[Carey]

Bit of a sensitive subject but has anyone experienced one partner not being as keen as the other ? And how did you resolve it? We're off on a reccy trip soon and I'd hoped OH would be keen to make some contacts to help him decide if NZ was for us.( I already feel it is). Now he wants to wait til after the trip to be sure he's completely happy with the whole idea. Whereas I feel we should make some contacts while we're there as part of the research. If we get back to Uk and then decide we do want to go for it, we will have missed the chance to see the likelihood of actually getting a job. (One of us needs a job offer to get enough points; neither of us on SSL although have degrees etc. and I will be visiting a few Early Childhood Centres but primary teachers of which I am one, not qualifed to obtain jobs because of new legislation in NZ.)

Any thoughts anyone?
Carey

[Rizak]

I'm experiencing it right now! I'm in love with the idea of moving to NZ. Secondary to this is the possibility of moving back to New Brunswick to do other government work.

Both require moving, one quite a bit further. New Brunswick would mean that I'd be a lot closer to my family (not a good thing in my opinion), but I'd have to learn French (not something I'm looking forward to). I've taken French before and done fairly well. Combined with my natural mimicry, I tend to be able to convince people that I can speak the language.

The Dragonlady likes this option better, but is starting to come around to my way of thinking. Look, she'll be 50 this year. She wants all the change in her life to stop! She wants a comfortable life and a nice garden to putter around in. All of that would be pretty much resolved by either of the proposed moves. I just think that the climate change would be a lot better with the first plan and that her fears of a changing society in Canada would be put to rest or at least delayed by a considerable margin.

[zardell]

Just wanted to say that I was once given an invaluable piece of advice from a very elderly, clog wearing, Lancashire lady.........I think it may help you (and maybe some others) because you sound as though you are feeling as though you are hitting your head against a brick wall.

She said when it feels like you are getting nowhere and you don't know what to do or what else to say, do nowt and keep your gob shut.

It may not be that he doesn't want NZ as much as you do..........it may just be that he's not as convinced as you are - and that's something he'll have to see and work out for himself.

Hope you have a wonderful holiday/recce.

Julie

xx

[nippa&pippa]

She said when it feels like you are getting nowhere and you don't know what to do or what else to say, do nowt and keep your gob shut.



Agree :yes it was my husband was on my back about moving to NZ and wasn't till he shut up, that when i started research!

My advice is buy books about moving and living in New Zealand (see my thread 'New zealand books') and just leave on the table, don't mention it to him. He will pick it up when you are not looking :nice1. Did work for me! clever husband!!!

[Rizak]

HMMMmmmmm.

Time to start browsing used book stores to see if I can find any of those books. I'll try ABEbooks (http://www.abebooks.com/) first.

[Diny]

My two penneth, it won't hurt making some contacts while you're here, then if you both decide you want to come over then you've done some ground work towards getting jobs, if you decide to knock the idea on the head you simply send your contacts a polite e-mail saying thanks but no thanks, our plans have changed.

As for one partner wanting the move more than another - well, if it don't fit don't force it.

Diny

[veronica]

Compromise works sometimes. Pete wasn't as keen as me to give it a try but both of us know it can all be reversed if we want it to be. Its worth giving it a shot to see how you both like it but both keep an open mind for the future.

[Debbie P.]

Has anyone had to deal with a partner who keeps changing his mind? Mine is driving me mad. We were all set to go over in autumn 2008, to give us time to save money. Then, a few weeks ago, he said he was getting really fed up and was desperate to move to NZ and get started on a new life. Against my better judgement, I agreed that we should bring the move forward to this autumn (cue panic re house, finances and cat!).

Now he's saying that it might be a better idea to wait another year after all, and yet I know that in a few weeks time he'll be wanting to go sooner yet again - he's driving me mad :mad:

Anyone had to deal with this and if so, what did you do? Do nowt sounds tempting but not so practical if we DO need to get our house sold by October! I'm guessing he's just going through a wobbly patch, but I don't know what to do.

[Moorf]

How about beginning to do practical things towards the move such as getting the house valued, getting moving quotes, making lists of what to keep/leave/sell etc and seeing how that affects his view. Perhaps he's not sure about what YOU want to do and is hedging his bets and you need to make a date and stick to it by making some commitments in some way.... i.e get him to put his money where his mouth is! ;)

[Debbie P.]

Perhaps he's not sure about what YOU want to do and is hedging his bets and you need to make a date and stick to it by making some commitments in some way.... i.e get him to put his money where his mouth is! ;)

Yes, that could well be right... maybe I'm panicking too obviously about bringing things forward, making him feel guilty.

Thanks for suggestion. :nice1

[CjChris]

Girl, put your hand on your hip, look him square in the eye, and say, "Now listen here. This is how it's going to be...."

Kidding....
:D :D ;) :D

[Tentun]

I think you need to tread carefully as if it's really what you want but not what he wants he may resent you if you get there and it doesn't work out and things go bad it'll be like 'oh it was YOUR choice to move out here'. But then it might be the opposite and you might have a fab new life in NZ and then he'll be eternally grateful.
Personally, I've told my hubby that we won't even consider it if he is not 100% happy doing it. Ok he has his reservations but generally he's happy about it but he is very much of the mindset that he will give it a go and if it all goes wrong we will just come back home. You'll never REALLY know what it's like to live in a place until you are actually there doing it. So I say, give him some space and let him decide and DEFINITELY make contacts in NZ whether you are sure of your move or not! Do it, you never know what he will decide once he's seen the country for himself.

[Hannah]

If he's anything like my other half he won't make any decision on the back of what you say. The advice of the old lady mentioned before to "keep you gob shut" worked for me in as much as it gave my other half the space to think things through. I'm a go for it person - voice the idea and then want to put it into action and learn through my mistakes, where as he likes to think about it, think again and think some more...we got there eventually, abeit 3 yrs later!!!!
Good luck, things will probably be different after the trip (he may be all for it and you may be put off!!! similar things happened to us on our first trip!)
hannah

[Carey]

yes Hannah, my husband sounds very similar to yours! And I have read and re-read your posts telling the process you went through to get there. So there is hope - goody!
We have already spent a year in NZ, albeit 18 years ago and without 3 kids, and we both loved it then so hoping we'll feel the same this time.
Runing out of time to make contacts before we go so maybe once actaully in the country, he'll feel more motivated?
Thanks everyone for advice,
Carey

[Hannah]

Hiya Carey
yes, there's certainly hope. I think what helped us what being in NZ for a while and then going back to the UK for a while. He was glad to be back among familiar things to begin with, and then he actually began to MISS New Zealand. I kept quiet during the whole six months we were back in the UK, i kind of felt he would come to the decision to return to NZ but just needed him to think it over and come to that decision himself. Also, i did not want to be back here in NZ with him moaning that his life was ruined and he'd only come to please me! We all agreed, at the beginning of this incredible journey, that we would only come to NZ if it was what we all wanted, otherwise we'd stick with the status quo because we were happy in the UK too. For us it worked out eventually. Although we nearly didn't come - for along time my other half couldn't see beyond that packing process, the shipping etc. He said many times if he could just click his fingers and our stuff was over in NZ then he'd leave the next day. For me, the moving stuff wasn't an issue - what's the big deal, just book removal firm and leave them to it. We all see different problems in different degrees - what is hassle for me is a breeze for him and vice versa.
If NZ is right for you all I think a trip there will leave you with what my other half calls a 'seed' - once planted it grows and grows until it's bursting out your eardrums and you can't ignore that call any longer!
Good luck, hannah

[Angelonthemove]

Oh how familiar this sounds. My OH has always wanted to got to NZ and I had never been so did not understand why. First we book a holiday not recce trip. 6 weeks in the north island and then we got married in Welly. I fell in love with New Zealand.

We then spent the next 12 months making list of fors and against and decided to stay put in Cyprus as it had more fors. Then I went to the Uk to see my daughter (19) and she was happy, settled and self sufficient, I made up my mind there and then (must have been the shock of the UK after 3 years:laugh ) . Rang OH and said we are going. 5 weeks later we were here. All that time he never once said its up to you honey or come on you'll love it. He just waited until I knew for sure.

I did all the research, joined this forum, EOI applicaiton etc etc.

Once here I found it hard to settle until we had our furniture here. Just take it nice and slow New Zealand is not going anywhere.

[Rizak]

sigh

Now I'm getting the subtle comments about how moving might be a young man's game and not really for her. I'm not even pushing it anymore! After the initial blush and excited searching of the net for information and answering of questions, things have fallen into their regular routines with only the occasional mention of the Land of the Long Cloud.

Suddenly she is armed with banking information and stats about interest rates and such and actively fighting against me. Oh, well. Maybe we'll start to see how things go if/when I actually get a job offer. I don't think we'd be moving without it as that was the major impetus toward this whole push to move.

[stu70]

I don't think we'd be moving without it as that was the major impetus toward this whole push to move.
A very sound strategy especially if you are not moving from a place that is like South Africa where your family's safety might be at stake if you don't move. It is better to be safe than sorry. If you have a job then atleast the "trip" will be self financed to a large extent. In IT atleast there are people who have done this(line up a job before the move). Good luck