[Myrkk]

I know this has to be our decision but just had to get this off my chest.
We're waiting on our NZQA result coming back and have a trip planned in September........ hopefully with interviews......... to NZ. We aren't telling our family until later on in the process.

A few years back my mother in law had to move due to health problems and we offered her to come stay with us but she chose to bow to pressure from her daughter and go live near her. Her daughter has categorically stated she will not look after her [she has organised social services to do everything her mum needs] and will put her into a home if she gets too ill, something my mother in law does not want and she has said she will probably just OD on her insulin if that happens.

As you can imagine this has caused us a few sleepless nights and a bit of a worry. We visited her this weekend and she brought the subject up again [she's mentioned it several times recently] and now she has said that she wants to stay where she is [she is too old to be gadding around the country moving house] unless her daughter tries to put her in a home at which point she has asked about coming to stay with us.

:wah what do we do? We're now torn between forgetting NZ and being selfish and carrying on regardless.:wah

[Croft]

It's a difficult situation to be in Myrkk, and one which seems to arise regularly on this forum. I don't know what I'd do in the same situation. Both our sets of parents are in the lates 50s/early 60s, still working and in reasonable health.

My inclination is to be rather hard nosed about it. You are talking about your happiness for the rest of your lives. Let's say, heaven forbid, your mother-in-law passes away in 5 or 10 years. Yes, you've had that extra time with her, but you still have the rest of your lives to live, and you may have missed out on a great opportunity, something you may regret?

Something similar happended to my wifes parents int he 1960s. They were all set to emigrate to Canada, passages booked, the whole lot. Then her Mum fell ill and they stayed to be with her. She recovered (funny that) and lived another 40 years! By then of course they'd missed their chance.

I can't help but feel there's a little emotional blackmail there with the threat of overdose.

The decision doesn't have to be made now anyway - you still have the recce trip and interviews to go!

[Helsandfamily]

Hi Myrk,

It is the one big thing I am dreading about this process leaving my parents, but I am trying to think about it from my kids perspective, and I want to do whats best for them.

I know that it will break my parents hearts, but if I could turn the clock forward say 40 years and my children were doing this would I want to stand in their way - no and I am sure that my parents would feel the same.

by trying to think about it from other angles and seeing it from different perspectives I have found this bearable.

I am not sure if this has been any help as it will be a very difficult decision for you, but your mum has made the decision in the past - would she want to stand in your way if she knew what you were planning ?

hope this helps anyway, and good luck

hels

[Debbie P.]

Is there any way you can help her to feel more positive about being in a home? I know it sounds a bit mean, but they may not be as bad as she thinks.

My gran moved too late into a nursing home - she insisted on staying independent for as long as possible, but ended up having to give up all her social activities as she became less mobile and getting more and more depressed about it.

My mum moved her to a nursing home for the last few weeks of her life, basically so she could die in some comfort, but the irony was that it was a great place - social events most evenings, plenty of common room areas, and monthly escorted trips. My gran would have loved it if she'd been well enough to get involved.

Or maybe sheltered housing is an option - with a modicum of independence?

[Ana&Steve]

I have no personal experience to offer, just wanted to say that you should trust what your heart tells you, you know what's best deep down, it's just clouded by the present turmoil. {hugs}
Ana

[NannyOgg]

Hey Myrrk,

I know none of us here are in your exact situation - with the MIL asking for a possible home. Just 2 points worth of note I think:

1) If your MIL got so ill that social services could no longer look after her and full time care was needed are you and your OH prepared to be that main carer 24/7. 7 days a week, 365 days a year? I know you would like to think you would but ask yourself honestly could you? And at what cost to your own family?

It is one thing offering a home to someone when they are looking after themselves but if she comes too live with you in the future it will be because she can no longer do that.

2) My folks are old and sick. One with dementia one with Parkinsons. Myself and my sister live here, my 2 brothers in the UK> One of my brothers wanted to put them into a home (actually 2 different homes given that they need two very different types of care). when he knew I was coming here. The rest of us fought tooth and nail against him - it would be so cruel to separate them after 55 years together and we made sure we got all that was on offer from social services to allow them to stay in their warden assisted bungalow. BUT, and this is the BIG BUT, we also found out that people only go into homes when it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and ONLY if they agree to do so. Otherwise it is actually kidnapping. So, despite what your SIL says SHE cannot decide if and when your MIL will go into a home. I felt like my heart was breaking into pieces when it came to telling my folks about our planned move and actually executing it but here we are six months later and the world has not stopped turning and problems are dealt with in the UK in our absence but with our input. To take the pressure off my brothers I order their shopping and do their banking and pay their bills over the internet from here - nothing is insurmountable.

Good luck x

Nanny x

[Moorf]

Just my two penneth worth.... this subject is something close to our hearts at the moment with Woz's Dad just being admitted to a psych ward and his grandmother has just been transferred from warden assisted flats to a home...

How do I feel? Guilty. Guilty because my sis-in-law has to deal with it all on her own. There's very little we can do here except talk and give her our support and advice. She is travelling to Wales every weekend and spending her time there sorting things out and not with her family.

However, re homes, my gt-grandmother went in to a home after her hubby died and she fought it all the way, but after a month or two she was often "too busy" to see her family and was soon playing on the darts team and had a "boyfriend". And now, Woz's grandmother, who has been in a home for a few weeks now, is quite happy to stay there "a bit longer" while things are sorted with her son etc....

You DO have to be a bit hard-nosed - my first instinct was to buy flights and head back. But if I had done that each time there was a family health scare / prob we'd be financially crushed by now. It's hard because you do have to think of "number one" and your partner/family.

There's no outright solution - each family is so different - hope our experience helps a little....

[nippa&pippa]

My FIL died suddenly without warning soon after we returned back from reccie trip last april, died two weeks later. We all was clearly shocked and didn't have chance to tell him about NZ trip as we were so jet lag (Gary's parents looked after our animals and house for us). They left us to have sleep and supposed to see them next time. We weren't prepared for that phone call. Our main concern was MIL, we didn't know what to do about her. After the funeral, MIL took us aside and told us, just go, don't worry about me, just go. So we respected her decision and did go because it is our lives and we are moving for children's sake too. I am very lucky to have very nice MIL that let us do what we want to do. She asked us not to come home for her funeral as it will be too expensive for flight home with four of us etc, just think about her in NZ. I am really looking forward having her coming for 5/6months stay in October...
Every family is different..you need to make own decision. Maybe your MIL is like my MIL, telling you to go!

[Myrkk]

Thanks Guys. Esp. Nanny and Moorf, your posts resonate a lot.

No-one knows we have started the application process for NZ. There had been bereavements in the family and my Mum isn't strong enough at the moment to deal with it but will be by the time the process is done and dusted.

Nanny, point 2 is something I have thought about. When we initially said about her coming to live with us she was in reasonable health i.e. several serious ailments but none that stop her from living comfortably. Considering coming to live with us once she is no longer able to look after herself; I'm being horrible but I think that is selfish.

On the other hand I can see why she is fed up....... her daughter sees her once a week for a couple of hours, doesn't ever take her out, she doesn't get to the shops 'cause she can't walk very far........ her day consists of tv, radio and books and the four little walls of her flat. She isn't cooking properly either but won't have meals on wheels. It's frustrating because we live so far away and can't just pop round but there is no way we are moving to a big city.

At the moment we are continuing with the process and thinking of chatting to her about it when we see her in a couple of weeks.

[Debbie P.]

No-one knows we have started the application process for NZ. There had been bereavements in the family and my Mum isn't strong enough at the moment to deal with it but will be by the time the process is done and dusted.

Considering coming to live with us once she is no longer able to look after herself; I'm being horrible but I think that is selfish.

Myrkk, you are NOT selfish, and you mustn't think that you are! It's very hard, and my heart goes out to you. We are in a similar boat - starting the application without my mother knowing.

But look at it this way - horrible though this sounds, our mothers didn't give birth to us purely so that we could look after them later in life. We do so out of love - if it becomes a responsibility and we develop resentment as a result, who really benefits? At the end of the day, parents will be upset but they love us and they want us to get fulfillment out of life - if that means travelling across the world then so be it.

[NannyOgg]

She isn't cooking properly either but won't have meals on wheels.

Myrrk,

My Mum and dad flatly refused meals on wheels. They were eating like sparrows and losing weight until they were barely there! I jacked up a visit with their social worker to explain that their situation was changing now I was going to NZ. She came round and re-assesed my folks - myself and my bro who wanted to put them in a home were also present. Their care package did not really change but they were made aware of what was on offer. After she had gone I told them that she had insisted they have meals on wheels (she didn't). they weren;t too keen but I told them she had said it was necessary to make sure they had a good diet and tried to stay healthy to unsure that they could carry on living in their present arrangement for as long as possible. As I handle their finances I order and pay for their meals that are delivered weekly - and guess what? they are the best thing since sliced bread apparently. They are now getting a balanced diet and there is no cooking involved - just re-heating - which also takes away the danger of leaving the gas on, spilling scalding hot water etc.

I know it was a little devious but it is a bit of a role reversal now and I along with (most!) of my siblings know we are looking out for them and doing what is best for them. They just hate change thats all - he was the same with a telephone amd central heating!

I also know that even if I lived in the UK I don't think I could have them live with us when one of them goes. If it were my dad he needs 24 attanetion with his parkinsons and I have 2 kids that need to live too. And my Mums dementia would mean pretty much the same. It is this that grieves me the most - even if I were there would I have them I would like to think so but also know I couldn't without my family suffering.

Its tough call thats for sure.

Really wishing you the best

Nanny x

[Myrkk]

Thanks Nanny. Your posts have been really helpful.

We've decided we are still going for NZ and we will talk to her about it in the summer when she is down for hols.