[Shazanick]

This is my first visit to the forum, my husband 'has been here before', but for some reason I never did, could prove to have been a mistake!

To be honest as I see my fingers hitting the keys on the keyboard, I still don't know what I am going to say. I just needed to feel as if I wasn't alone, and that's exactly what I feel. Scared and alone. Why am I in NZ? beacause like so many people, I thought it offered us a better life. I have just spent the last 4 hours reading many of the past postings searching for signs of other people who may have felt as desperate as I do now. How can this be so? Afterall the sun is shining and the sea and the sky are blue.

I know I am lucky to have been able to do this. I know there are many people who would love to do this but for whatever reason can't. However these facts are not helping and the overwhelming feeling that what ever we decide to do, we will regret it, is so incredibly daunting and so incredibly painful I can't put it into words.

Our 'past life' was disassembled, house sold, jobs resigned from, TESCO and Sainsbury's loyalty cards cut up, NTL and AA memberships cancelled (eventually!!!!!). I realise these things can all be established once again, new house, new job, new loyalty cards (maybe not NTL!), but I can't stop feeling as if things will never be ok again. I am pleased that there are so many people who move here and find it is the answer, even with the occasional doubts, I am equally pleased and encouraged that there appears to be those who come only to find it is not for them and are happy to return 'home'. However, I am afraid that I will become one of those lost souls who don't know where they belong.

I know noone out there has 'the answer' as the answer for everyone is different. I just needed to feel less alone. I actually sat down in front of the computer to locate an International Shipping company to give me a quote on sending our belongings back. Maybe it is fate that I decided to look in on the site after all this time of avoidance.

[Moorf]

Hi Shaz, really sorry to hear you're feeling alone but know that there are heaps (sorry, the word of the day!) of people on here who can support you, in our different ways!

I was just reading your hubby's posts in the run up to you leaving the UK and your excitement is evident. Has something disappointed you about NZ because after all is said and done no amount of "sun is shining and the sea and the sky are blue. " will make you happy, richer or keep you company.

Maybe if you work through the reasons you left the UK and see whether any of your "wants" have been realised or if you've made what some call a "sideways move" where all you have done is distance yourself from your friends and family.

I know many who have come here for something different and adventure and to get away from routine/familiarity and then when they have got here found that familiarity is something they actually craved.

I'm rambling.. sorry...

Are you working? Are you getting out and meeting others? Are you accepting invites? Is your hubby fitting in just fine and you're feeling you can't (seen this happen a lot too).

Anyway, thought that would get the discussion going ;)

You're definitely not alone - welcome to the madhouse... sorry, forum :)

Moorf

[wilson182]

Hi Shaz

Quite a painfull post to read. Whereabouts are you in NZ, there may be someone from the forum close by who can give you some support with whatever you decide.

[Trigirl]

Hi – firstly welcome to the forum. You may not find answers here – but I promise you will find lots and lots of support. From looking at your husbands posts you’ve been here about 4 months? That’s only a few months to try and adapt to a huge change in your life. No wonder you are feeling a bit lost. I can promise you are not the first or only person to feel like this. This may not help right now – but what you are describing are classic signs of culture shock. It sounds stupid to get culture shock coming to another English speaking country that isn’t all that different to back home. But the whole process of finding the little day to day things difficult (shopping, driving, parking, even finding something to watch on TV!) takes a serious toll on your ability to cope with life in general. Google it. “culture shock” immigration. I bet you recognise some of the descriptions out there. This is a pretty good description from one of the unis (for their overseas students) with some ideas on things that might help. http://www.waikato.ac.nz/international/students/general/cultureShock.shtml

Sorry for the waffling on. Look after yourself.

Mandy

[stu70]

Very sorry to read about the situation you find yourself in. I know (from reading this forum for a while now) that you are NOT alone. That should give you some comfort (perhaps not much help). You have taken constructive steps without losing your reasoning; that also shows you are dealing with the situation wisely. Life does not guarantee the cards we get but it is totally up to us how we play those cards. One thing I know, good folks on this forum will provide a lot of good advice, suggestions, information, that you can process and hopefully that will help you do what is best for you. At the very least you have the best wishes from all those who read this forum. I wish you success. Regards

[Mexican in NZ]

As All the others said b4...U r not alone!
I had all those feelings and on top of that many things started to happened that i asked myself why&why i had accepted to come with my hubby to a country so far from my family and friends...I was outcasted as i got an injury just when i arrived and not socializing really makes you feel even more like it. I come from a mix family (mexican-american) so i am bilingual and i still felt the cultual shock enormous.However, if we start thinking deeply inside you will realized you made a huge step in not only just writing your feelings here, but also in moving to a country where safety is huge in comparation with almost all in the world, goverment really takes care of the people here and people are friendly and what about those estonishing scenaries NZ has?? You just really need to give it a chance... Many people here had pass thru all u r feeling, put your chin up and have faith as always when things look very very dark and u feel like in a tunnel without an exit there is always a little light waiting for you to find it and once you find it u follow it and u will find the big exit and a bright bright place:nice1
Take care of yourself and do not hesitate in asking questons or just putting your feelings here, believe it or not here are people that i even consider my family they have been there for me without hesitation and a great group of support during my hardest days, i am sure we all can help one way or another, and hey if u plan to come to wellington pm me and we can meet and do something together, ok?
xx,
Adriana:raebanana

[Ana&Steve]

Hi, sorry things are so lonely right now. I don't yet know what you are going through, but I found this link to help when our time comes. http://edweb.sdsu.edu/people/CGuanipa/cultshok.htm
Take care of yourself and make sure to find someone to talk to, don't keep this bottled up! {hugs}
Ana

[nippa&pippa]

Welcome to forum and thank you for share your experiences.
It is diffcult to adjust to new areas and new country without your family nearby. I had up and down for last few months but lucky i have two small children keep me going and hopefully our new house will help us settle quickly.
Just keep in touch with this forum will help you through during the darkest days and try meet other forum members like go to one of the 'meet' or PM who live near you and meet up :nice1 (just done meet other member today for first time, it was great to share the experiences)

[Kim39]

Hey Shaz meet your pal. You are feeling exactly like me and one or two others here. I think the medication that some of us actually need is to get back on that plane and travel the roads that took you to the airport for that flight out here. I say this because i feel a basic need to just fly into Manchester, jump into a car and travel back down the M56 and into Runcorn, but i think by the time i get to J10 i would want to exit and get back on and head back for the return flight to here.

We both left a very comfy life back in the UK to come and bust our guts-well me at least, as the wife has been really fortunate in her quest for a better life. Me on the other hand use to get paid a fare wack for a 42hr week, and here a crap wage for a 70hr week. I know that we didin't have that disposable income some folk had as debts that had been built up over 15 years of marriage were hanging around our necks, and with this move we were able to be debt free. But does this help the feelings, in short-no. At times i wish i could be back in my lovely 3 bed detached on the banks of the canal with a few grand of debt around my neck and be living one day to the next. This move to a degree has/hasn't been an adventure, and i am at a loss when i think when will i feel that i have settled and this move was right for me, as the rest of the family are quite happy with how things are progressing.

I know that really we couldn't hitch everything up and move back to what we had as its not financially viable. We lost on the exchange coming in and both of us were out of work and not earning for 4 months,by that time we had eaten into quite a bit of our savings. I realise i have to give it a good go and probably more than i really want to.

You mention about being lucky to have been able to do this and i agree. I didn't want to be one of those who threw away the chance cos i didn't have the bottle and regret the chance, but i still wonder whether it would have been easier to say, woah hang on there, can i make this work as easy as i think i can. If i did have time to think over those last few weeks then maybe i would be still back there instead of sitting here replying to you in 28c of heat.

Hang in there girl. We have been here 16 months and never does a day go by when i think of trying to make a move back, but i do know that if that time came i would be doing it for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't be making one person happy, but 3 others unhappy. We moved heaven and earth to get here, and even when we arrived the crap was still being thrown in our direction so our new life was still on a bumpy ride. We have rode through it all and got to this point. I don't have the answer at all, but just wanted you to know your not on your own.

Have you tried to mix in as Moorf has pointed out. Where in NZ are, becasue as soon as you divulge that info folk will be knocking on your door for a good old chinwag over a flat white or whatever takes your fancy.

Good luck with it all lass and do your best to stick with it.


Kim

[tigerlily]

I just wanted to put in this from the page that Ana linked to:
Symptoms:
Culture Shock Symptoms-
* Sadness, loneliness, melancholy
* Preoccupation with health
* Aches, pains, and allergies
* Insomnia, desire to sleep too much or too little
* Changes in temperament, depression, feeling vulnerable, feeling powerless
* Anger, irritability, resentment, unwillingness to interact with others
* Identifying with the old culture or idealizing the old country
* Loss of identity
* Trying too hard to absorb everything in the new culture or country
* Unable to solve simple problems
* Lack of confidence
* Feelings of inadequacy or insecurity
* Developing stereotypes about the new culture
* Developing obsessions such as over-cleanliness
* Longing for family
* Feelings of being lost, overlooked, exploited or abused

And to also say that pretty much everyone who moves to a new culture feels the way that you are feeling at some point. Some folks head home, others stick it out. Some people feel very little of this, others feel it greatly.

Please do share your feelings here, because I think many here can relate (or will soon) and would like to offer support.

[robberger]

Hi: I don't know what the psychobabble is called, but we've experienced some of that at least. In August 2002 we moved from the U.S. city of Tulsa where we'd lived for eleven years, to Cheltenham UK. My boss in the UK who had done quite a bit of travelling in his life was quite worried that once in England we'd regret the decision and return to the US. Naw, we thought...we know what we're doing.

Three months after arrival we hated everything about the UK...but gradually got used to things. We took a trip back to the US in December to bring our car to the port for shipment to the UK, and all of a sudden realized we weren't comfortable in the US anymore...and missed being in the UK! So we went back to the UK much happier and content.

In 2005 we moved back to the US again for reasons I won't go into here, but we are looking forward to getting to NZ. From our experiences of moving around, there is usually a major shock at some point, usually building until about four or five months. For us, it definitely helped coming back to the US for that visit. And we expect when we get to NZ we won't be 'in the clear' regarding the shock until after six months there...so we are hopefully more prepared for all the negative emotions and comparisons.

Someone else described a hypothetical trip back to the UK and I think they hit the nail on the head. If you can see that they are likely right without taking the trip, fine...if not, take a trip and find out. Maybe NZ isn't for you, but maybe you're experiencing what most other people do at one point or another.

[gil]

Hi Shaz,
I have sent you a PM,
Gil
x

[jaycee]

Hi Shaz, you're not alone. I've now been here a month and I've much of it feeling as you are. I decided I would wait for the container to arrive and then send it straight back without even unpacking. I wanted to go home, not because I missed anything in particular about the UK, or because I didn't like anything about NZ, it was simply a feeling that I couldn't possibly cope with it all.

My craving for security was such that I actually wanted to stay in the motel rather than move into my house. Why? Because I knew how to get to and from the motel, I knew how everything worked and if it didn't there was someone to call on. The house meant yet more stuff to organise, more to learn, another episode of chaos.

I can only think that it's all down to what is undeniably a huge upheaval for anyone. You are literally and metaphorically pulling the rug out from under your own feet. There is nothing left that is familiar, and that is incredibly daunting. This emigration lark messes up your head, and our heads have a way of protecting us mentally, so I think it's probably quite natural to want to run away. I know I did, and there are times when I still do.

I think it helps, as others have said, if you have somewhere to go and meet people, or do something 'normal', even it's just going shopping or for a coffee. The more you do it, the sooner it will become familiar and, in that sense at least, feel more like 'home'.

Have you tried to pin down what it is that you're scared of? Specific things? Or that you've made a mistake? I find it helps to break it down, stops it all from spiralling into a state of panic. BTW, if you're frightened of failing, try thinking of it like this: you wanted to go and live in NZ. You did it. That's a success, not a failure. Changing your mind is allowed ;)

I think that's part of the problem actually, I know I thought that making the decision to go would be the hardest bit. It's not the end of it though - then you have to decide if you want to stay! I guess the only thing to do is to give yourself time, you need to recover.

Looking at that list of culture shock symptoms, it occurred to me that they are probably the reason for the existence of the whole expat community thing - if everyone who emigrated immediately felt at home in their chosen country, why would places like this be so necessary? ;)

[zardell]

Hi Shaz.

Your post rang so many bells with me. Trust me - you are not alone.

Have PM'd you.

Julie

xx

[Sam B]

It's official - I have culture shock! I can tick every symptom. That's it, I'm off to the doctors tomorrow - oops, maybe that's my "preoccupation with illness" talking. (Tearful now) - I love all you guys on here, you really understand - sob - the "tearfulness" setting in now.

Seriously Shaz - you are NOT alone, I posted only recently how I was feeling pretty similar "Been here a month" thread. It's a relief to hear from others in the same boat, it's a confusing maelstrom of feelings, which I mainly try to keep choked down, but they keep rearing their ugly little heads.

Where are you? I'd be happy (nay - joyous) to meet up. But chances are you're nowhere near me, as no-one seems to live in the Waikato.

Hang on in there. I have good days sometimes, and they're getting more frequent too!!

[spudulike]

Hi Shaz and welcome to the forum.

So sorry to hear you are feeling low - I remember those feelings vividly. I have been here for just over a year and felt similar to you for about the first 5or 6 months. I think we forget it is going to be a huge culture shock because it is an English speaking country, but nothing can prepare you for being in a foreign land where every shop has a different name and even the supermarkets don't 'feel' the same as at home. I remember seeing a Body Shop in Wellington and just mooching around it feeling relaxed because it was the only place that smelt and felt familiar :laugh

I am returning to the UK in May for numerous reasons but to be honest I don't feel quite ready yet! I would have liked to stay for another year but finances dictate for us :roll All I can say is that after a year (which I know feels along way away when you're low - but it flies by) I have made a few friends and have a routine of sorts. It still doesn't feel like home but I don't feel empty when I think of what I've left behind anymore.

I would just say give it a bit more time and figure out whether this move has made you appreciate what you've left behind or just left you in no man's land (ie; not sure whether you want to be here or there). I say give it more time as you really need to have a clearer head to fully understand where is best for you rather than making a knee jerk reaction.

Sorry for the ineloquent ramble and hope you feel more settled soon.

L :)

[K&CS]

Hi there

So sorry you're feeling bad. Just to say that I totally agree with what Louise above has just told you. It's tempting to say you should just go back, but a knee jerk reaction isn't necessarily the best one to go with. Make sure you keep talking about your feelings and don't bottle it all up. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you. Hope you start to feel a little better soon.

Kate x

[thepiesleys]

o.k it's time to 'fess up' , i too have been avoiding the forum and did not realise it till i ready your thread shaz. Everyone seemed so happy with their lot in NZ that i did not want to. Call it homesickness, call it culture shock - i am definitely suffering from it. I am unsettled and am in fear of becoming negative about the whole experience.

We have had rather a lot of mishaps since arriving here ,mainly the children being ill or getting hurt, and i have competely over reacted to them and almost stifle myself with worry over them (the children) i can liken it to being pregnant or suffering major pmt when your hormones are having a party (and before you start it is neither!)

shaz, when you spoke about your loyalty cards i did't know wheather to laugh or cry, i still have my Boots advantage card in my purse! how sad is that !

I know going homeis not the answer, we can aspire to much more here in this beautiful country - all of us but i also do not know how much longer can deal with this limbo feeling.

Dan and the kids are coping much better than me and that makes it worse!

I am lucky i have such a loving caring immediate family circle who try to understand and support me when i feel 'lost'.

I do work, in a demanding but fullfiling job and i have met a lot of genuinely nice people but still i have an unfathomable yearning inside, i guess some of us are just too sentimental and find letting go hard.

I can not understand my reaction at all it is very uncharacteristic of me and so even more confusing!

Sorry for this tirade of hard to follow ramblings - it has been somewhat cathartic - and thank you to shaz for being honest and open enough to initiate this thread.



Sue

[veronica]

ok you guys, try listing all the reasons that you wanted to leave home and have a good hard look at them without any rose tinted specs on, put down all the things you didn't like there, really go for the negatives. see if that helps. the post that jaycee has written is a very good one, and is a good analasys of the way most of us have felt at some stage of the game. albeit some of us its just a momentary thing and others are swamped by it. chin up it will feel more like 'home' as you go on.

[pleccy2000]

I felt like that Shaz, and I jumped on a plane and came back to UK (isn't homesickness just awful.)

A week after being in the uk, we wanted (and still do) to go back to NZ. I was only there 3 months :(

Luckily I had lovely people like Veronica to help me through the hard time i had there. She even let me phone her to have someone to speak to (that really helped).

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

[vixxann]

just wanted to add something I read in one of my move to NZ books - it basically said that the culture shock thing is mainly going to hit the lady of the house, especially if a stay at home mum, but pretty much down to the female anyway I'm afraid :roll

The fella tends to be the one who goes out to work, even if you both work in the early days the priority is normally on getting job for chap. So he is busy at work, possibly socialising as well (which of course he should do!). If there are kids involved they are busy settling into new schools etc, loads of friends and social activities for them. Meanwhile wifey gets left to sort out new house, making it homely for everyone, making sure rest of family are comforted and settled. She also has to be the main person (again just working on average situations) that maintains contact with UK and folks back home, reassuring letters, phone calls, emails etc but constantly getting reminded of what she left behind...
ring any bells anyone?

I haven't been through it yet obviously but am trying to prepare myself beforehand!

[zardell]

I haven't been through it yet obviously but am trying to prepare myself beforehand!



Sounds like that's a good book you're reading.

This 'displaced' feeling doesn't hit everyone, but boy if it strikes you, its strikes hard.

I'm sorry to say that no amount of preparation (and believe me, I really thought I was well prepared to tackle anything....:roll ) gave me an insight to how it truly felt. I was shocked at my own feelings of depression - it was like there was no logic in my life anymore and until I turned the corner, so to speak, no amount of encouragement from my hubby/friends helped, because to me, they just didn't understand........and to be honest, I don't think a lot of them did. Only one good friend here in NZ who admitted to me that she had suffered depression in the past, had an inkling of what I was going through. All my long-time friends were back in the UK, all happy in the knowledge (or so they thought) of how we had 'done the right thing' and emigrated.

I initially felt as though I had been through all this immigration c**p, got PR, spent a fortune coming to the other side of the world and for what??

The only way I can explain it is to compare it to how a person can feel when they go on a 2 week holiday. When you get to day 13 you've had a good time, but now you're ready to go home............and I hadn't got a home to go to !!!

It was only when I finally got to the stage of realising that I was craving for the past and that my old familiar life in the UK wasn't there anymore that I could get on with my new life here in NZ.

My feelings were quite comparable in many ways to a bereavement, because that is exactly what it was all about - loss.

If I could, I would wave a magic wand and make sure that nobody ever has to go through that.

Take care,

Julie

xx

[StevieD]

I feel for you all who are suffering - we not there yet and we suffering too. It is such a hard thing to do, the most stressful thing I can ever imagine.
But you owe it to yourself to stick with it, give it a good go, because what can seem like a huge trough now, can turn into the crest of a wave quite soon. A lot of it is down to perception of your situation, but don't feel like a failure just for feeling like this - I reckon EVERYBODY will feel like that on many occasions.

Good luck

Steve and Jan

[Ana&Steve]

The only way I can explain it is to compare it to how a person can feel when they go on a 2 week holiday. When you get to day 13 you've had a good time, but now you're ready to go home............and I hadn't got a home to go to !!!
Just for a second when I read this I felt anxiety! Well, I now know .0000001% of what I'm in for:uhoh Thanks for the powerful analogy!
Ana
PS, still can't give you rep, Zardell, but how 'bout a toast!:cheers

[zardell]

PS, still can't give you rep, Zardell, but how 'bout a toast!:cheers


No worries Ana...the thought was there.....:cheers

Julie

xx

[katandbob]

Hi Ana,

we have been here 8mths now, and yes I can relate to a lot of what you are saying - only now am I getting the odd call - I still get suprised when the phone rings and its not from the UK!

I am slowly making acquaintences that hopefully will turn into friendships -

I had the chance of going on a cattle muster (on one of the horses) - its tomorrow on a neighbours deer farm - but I have to work:mad: - it will be rescheduled for friday if it rains:nice1 (guess who is sat her with a smile because its chuckin it down - and praying it lasts all of tomorrow!!!!:laf )

I saw this as a great opportunity to get to know my neighbours and hopefully on the first step of making some friends - I had got to know some kiwis but they all live the other side of Invercargill - Wiki will know about being the wrong side of the tracks - it seems that if your on the South side - the North arn't interested!:confused: - the West plains etc are all flat and boring! and since moving near to Bluff I haven't heard from them since! (or maybe its cause I had the boys arrive:la) well as I like the views this side its their loss!

Any way - this Forum is my sanity, and I wanted you to know that if you focus on the good things that you find each day - it does help, and there are plenty of likeminded buddies here to boost your spirits when you are low:nice1

(bet I have to delete half these smilies to get it to post - YUP had to delete 2 )

and then I also have these moments that make it worth while..... this was Tuesday morning at dawn when I was doing the morning feed before work.


Any way, feel free to PM etc, and I hope you and the rest of us sad'nz feel happier soon!

Kat

[spudulike]

Wow, what a stunning photo! The colours are so rich - I don't think I have ever seen a sunrise quite like that.....

L

[wiki]

Gorgeous photo Kat - and yes, you're right about Invercargill: south of Tweed Street is considered very undesirable and the closer you get to Bluff... but I always liked when we went out Omaui way - for one thing, you're a lot closer to the beaches! I found West Plains very boring. But then again I was 13 when we left :)

[wanderingoregonian]

Just want to add another voice of support.... and thanks for the reminder to check in on my OH to see how's he's doing. We've only been here a short while, but he's doing the stay at home thing and has seemed off the last few days.

And although I'm one the folks who's happy here so far... I have had moves in other parts of my life where I was gutted; sometimes time healed and some places were just not for me. Do take care of youself and remember that you don't have to make any final decisions, not today or tomorrow or even for a many many months from now. If this turns out to be a bad place for you and your family, you already have the skills to move and if this turns into heaven, so be it. I for one give you complete permission to just say "hey I don't have to even decide whether I like it here let alone decide whether it was a good choice to come here... at least not until__(pick your time frame)___" and then go do something that brings you joy, even if that's just getting ice cream or running away into a good book or movie or a long drive. if you are a people person find some people, if you aren't get away from 'em for a bit:) you are definetely not alone!

[speckythecky]

Its so sad to read about so many people struggling in the early days / months of their new life but this forum gives you hope and such a strong sense of community. The number of positive messages is so reassuring and knowing that some one has 'been there, done that, come out the other side' is a tremendous help.
It is important that users fill out their profile so that, when they are troubled, someone in their area can contact them and meet and talk if this is what they want / need.

[Sam B]

I suppose the scariest possible outcome of emigrating is that you might become one of those people who isn't happy anywhere any more. You can't settle in your new country, but when you go back to the old one, you remember all the reasons you left in the first place. I reckon you have to give a new place at least 2 years before you make any big decisions. It takes a long time to build up really good friendship networks and become really settled somewhere.