[nickydwuk]

Having done a mountain of reading, internet browsing etc... my OH has told me today that he still has an open mind about the move but is erring on the side of staying in the UK. Part of the reason is he doesn't want to leave his parents but he is also apprehensive about the whole logistical nightmare of moving all our possessions. He panics if we have delivery men or workmen in the house - he has to go out and leave it to me. So the thought of moving so far away is horrendous for him. He is also concened and worried about selling the house at the right time. If anyone has got any positive stories and help with these worries I can pass on to him to help him change his mind I would be eternally greatful. Both my sons who will be coming with us are desparate to move as are my 2 older children who will join us later. He is the only sticking block.:(

[pinkpiggy]

Hi Nicky

Not sure how much help I can be but we are currently going through the process. We sold our house at the end of Jan and are moving out on 27 April. We are still awaiting the final nod from our case officer but in the meantime we are spending time getting all our paperwork etc. in order. I think you need to set things out in a military style fashion i.e. do as much preparation as you can before the event.

We have already cancelled as many direct debits as we can i.e. gas/electric/telephone and are paying these as they arrive so we don't have the hassle of any money being outstanding when we leave.

We have had a massive clearout so that when the shippers come in everything is ready for them - no last minute dashes to the tip. (We hope). :uhoh

There are other things you can do like sorting out what is needed in your suitcase, other than clothing (e.g. documents).

I think you need to be as organised as you possibly can be and just sit down and talk it through with him in a very calm and rational manner. Of course he will miss his parents but maybe they can visit/use webcam/skype etc.

I hope I have helped in some small way.

[Anita & Marco]

Part of the reason is he doesn't want to leave his parents but he is also apprehensive about the whole logistical nightmare of moving all our possessions. He panics if we have delivery men or workmen in the house - he has to go out and leave it to me. He is also concened and worried about selling the house at the right time. .:(

Hi,
Basically your OH has 3 main concerns:
- leaving parents behing (social / attachment)
- stress of moving/house sell (material / attachment)
- workmen in house (why doesn't he trust you?)

His worries are definitely not only in one area - to me he seems like a person who likes the stability of his life at the moment and is not very good at changing! We are all very different and this is something he needs to get his head around.
I can tell you stories, that everything will be easy and smoothly - but that's not what it is at all. You need to like the challenge and the adventure of moving when you want to make it a success I guess.

But the strangest thing of it is that he doesn't want you to be in the house with workmen - does he really think that he knows everything better than you?
Please talk through everything very careful before considering moving to another country. You both have to be more than 100% convinced that this is the right choice!!!

All the best - it is not easy,
Anita

[Trigirl]

you read that thing about the workmen very differently to me anita!

i read that her OH doesn't like workmen in the house. therefore he goes out and leaves it to nicky. nothing about not trusting her with workmen??? (not sure how you got that?)

by the way nicky i'm another one that doesn't like workmen in the house but i survived just fine with the moving guys there - its all a lot easier when its basically not your house any more!

[Belmont Babes]

Dear Nick...know where you are coming from a little. My OH wasn't too keen at first and it was all me doing the research. Have you done all the research so far? My OH has come around to the idea now and is upstairs reading a big book about NZ as I type. Has your OH done research too? If he has then I'm not sure he'll change but mine did once he read a little more for himself. Just remind him that all the things to do can only be done one step at a time and it wouldn't be nice to have any regrets. Nothing is set in stone. I'm sure you have said all of these things though. I do feel for you because I remember my sheer desolation when Hubby said "I don't think I want to do this". I did make a pact with myself though that we wouldn't do it unless we were both sure. I could just imagine the rows post emigration "It was your idea" etc. Wishing you all the best with it all. Have you sat down and wrote a list of pro/cons? See how many cons can't be answered with a solution

[Anita & Marco]

you read that thing about the workmen very differently to me anita!

i read that her OH doesn't like workmen in the house. therefore he goes out and leaves it to nicky. nothing about not trusting her with workmen??? (not sure how you got that?)!

O yes! You might be right there!
I read it very differently - LOL

Cheers,
Anita

[Tia Maria]

Nickydwuk - This is always a difficult one as you don't want to be in the position of being the one to persuade him and convince him to go, as later on if it doesn't go all to plan the blame will fall fully on your shoulders and that can be very stressfull.

I think first you have to admit that it is a logisitical nightmare and like others say it takes a large amount of planning. But maybe if you start the planning process now and get a large part of the organisation done, it won't seem so daunting to him. It will mean a lot of work for you to do this without his help, but at best he might see it is doable and start helping, at worst you will get your house decluttered.

I would break the jobs into 3 parts:

1) Mindless decluttering to be done when your tired

2) Organisational stuff, like getting moving quotes, investigating areas to live to do when you're feeling excited. Make a folder to show him at some point down the line to show you know which shipping company and which insurance etc and he might feel more confident about it all.

3) Doing the ITA to be done when you are feeling full of energy and in the mood to deal with paperwork.

Don't make a big deal about doing it, just surprise him in a few weeks/months with how far along you are.

I don't think it is a particularly a good idea to tell him success stories as this may not be your story. I'm not suggesting that it won't go well for you, but it is hard work and you both need to know there will be lots of annoying obstacles along the way. But you can show him the possibilities and the excitement and ask him if it isn't possibly worth a bit of hard work and stress?

That's the easy bit as if necessary you can do most of the hard work for him.

Now the harder bits:

The house, selling a house is difficult at anytime but trying to time it with emigrating is harder. A couple of ways you can ease this is to market at the right price in the first place, get 3 agents round if they don't all say the same price think about getting an independent valuation. Make it clear to them that if the property doesn't sell you will rent it out, hence removing the worry they are using the emigration issue to undervalue your house and get a quick sale.

Get the house spotless and in good condition if its not already, its a chore to declutter but you'll have to do it sometime might as well do it now as it could make your house sale go better.

Consider asking potential buyers for a quick exchange with a proper deposit, but longer completion. Having exchanged contracts means that you both have some security as a deposit will have been paid, but extending completion means you can then have time to book flights and hotels. We exchanged and then had 6 weeks till completion, we didn't let the agent know that we were planning this, but when we were given an acceptable below asking price offer, we said we would accept the offer on condition of a quick exchange and delayed completion. We were happy as we could book flights knowing the house was pretty much sold and the buyers were happy as they didn't have to pay full asking price.

Alternatively find a short term furnished rental in the UK or move in with family. Your goods will take about 6 weeks to arrive in NZ anyway. You can sell your house move into a rental for a couple of months and arrive when your furniture does. This just removes the stress of everything having to happen at once. If you move in with family, you might find those few weeks are more than enough to realise that its OK to see your family less often. :laugh

Or don't sell the house, but rent it out.

Now the hardest part of all:

Leaving family, this will be difficult no matter what and you really can't promise him otherwise.

You could maybe agree to give NZ 2 years and if he's not happy, even if you are, you will come back. Leving family for 2 years is not as big a deal as leaving them forever.

Or you could agree to have a fund sorted out before you go to allow him to travel back one year and for them to travel over to NZ one year.

Ultimately you can't make the decision for him by telling him lots of positive stories (although they will help), as it could go exactly the way he fears, all his fears are legitimate :yes . But you can show him that with planning and organisation a lot of the problems can be avoided and reassure him that if problems do come up you are sure that the two of you are more than capable enough to adapt and cope with them.

You can also gently point out how important it is to you and ask him to give you 2 years to try to aim for that lifestyle that could make you so happy.

Good Luck and I really hope he feels brave and opts for adventure!

Cheers

Tia

[nickydwuk]

Thanks for all the support, encouragement and advice. My OH likes his home comforts and does not like disruption. I have been doing all the research but have left books for him to read and he has spent time on google earth looking at locations and we have looked at property on the real estate sites. Some he is really enthusiastic about. It is the planning and executing the move that he is uncomfortable with. We are going to the NZ Expo in London on Sunday so I hope to be able to talk to removal companies there who can set his mind at ease. We have already started to plan to declutter - regardless of whether we move or not - as we have 20 years of clutter built up in the house. Fingers crossed he changes his mind after Sunday:)

[Sam B]

My partner J is just the same, and hates any kind of change and disruption. He was really scared about our move to Cornwall 6 years ago, and ended up leaving me to organise everything, and just ignoring the whole process until we arrived. By the time we got there, I was emotionally and physically exhausted, and after 1 day he announced he loved it. I felt like killing him, although it was a relief too.

He was a little bit more pro NZ, but I was a bit sneaky, starting with, "let's try it for a year, as a little adventure" and then gradually building on that. Of course, I knew from previous experience that he would want to stay once he got here. I did do most of the work towards getting us here, as it was my idea. Predictably, he loves it here, whilst I'm still adjusting. Grrr.

Anyway - my sympathy. My partner sounds v similar, and I have just ended up being a bit sneaky really. Judging from this forum, men seem to settle quicker than women mainly. Do people agree??

[Trigirl]

Judging from this forum, men seem to settle quicker than women mainly. Do people agree??
very much so!

[andreamatt]

Hi Nicky

Any chance you could get to NZ for a reccie?

Andrea

[StevieD]

Hi Jani d here,
your OH sounds at a place i was at about 3 years ago. I would sit at the NW meets (the early ones) and feel like the cuckoo in the nest.

It is hard to leave family and friends (which was my main fear) behind and the packing bit was a real nightmare to me, i have flashbacks about what we have left behind because the container was full. I will repeat what others told us, but we didnt listen too well - to prepare in plenty of time especially if you are hoarders like us:roll .

As for the selling of the house is there ever a 'best time' and that's still a thorn in our sides at the mo

BUT this place is amazing (i aint saying awesome but it is;) ) granted we havent been able to venture too far (till the house sells) but i like what i see already. To watch your 9 year old spend her 9th Birthday on the beach body boarding in the hot sun in AUTUMN, when its normally freezin and even snowing and to see her face and know its not a holiday but hey we live here,well to me its well worth it.

All i can say is goodluck and Stevie never pressured me - which helped me come round to it. And as a good friend once said to me "Auckland airport has a departure lounge aswell".

[StevieD]

Hi Nicky, just been shown this thread by my OH. I noticed you are from Luton, and only today, I was speaking with an ex-pat from your home town. He came here in 1973 as an 11 year old, and has been back to the UK once to visit his uncle. To say he doesn't ever want to go back will give you an idea of what he thought about that visit, especially as he was asked on a bus what he was doing in the UK by an old guy who recognised the accent. As he said, NZ isn't perfect, but it is a damn site better than the UK. It is cleaner, the air is cleaner (except in Auckland :laugh ) and it is refreshing to be here. There are places of jaw dropping beauty,followed by some shanty town that makes you shake your head at the contrasts provided by the changing vistas.
I'm not wanting to be a "UK basher", we all have our gripes, but for me personally, as Jan said in her post, to see our daughter body boarding in a crystal clear sea, on clean, unlittered beaches, is one that will live with me forever. And we only have more experiences to come. There is so much you can do for free, or very little money here, it is a kids paradise.

It is perfectly natural for us all to have these worries, hell, I still have enough worries on my mind to keep me awake sometimes, but I know they are going away soon.

Yes, leaving family behind is difficult, but the advent of the internet helps in some way, when you can watch people's faces on the screen, telling you how well you look. I know you can't replace physical contact, but many often feel "closer" to their families relationship wise on making the move than they did when they lived close by in the comfort zone.

Good luck to you both. I just hope my tuppence halfpenny worth help you and others in some small way. It is a huge thing to move your life to the other end of the world, but up to now, we aren't disappointed.

Steve

[nickydwuk]

Can't afford to go for a reccie 'cos if we decide to go we would need the money to help with the move. That would be the ideal.

I have been trying not to push but keep dropping little bits of info into the conversation. It does seem to be working at the moment. He wants a place with a little bit of land so I have been looking at lifestyle plots and found some decent ones at reasonable prices. He is now quite keen and is talking about getting a small mortgage - which was not part of the initial idea - and getting a job himself. What also helped today was that we saw someone moving and all their belongings were being packed into a container. He saw how it was all packed and shipped and seemed a little less perturbed by the whole process.

I have convinced him to come to the expo on Sunday so hope that this will help him to get things into perspective and make that final decision. He is already talking about 'when' we move and not 'if' we move, he will come back to visit his parents every other year. I need to tell him that only he will be able to make such frequent journies as we could not afford for all 4 of us to visit that often. Fingers crossed for Sunday.

Thanks for all your suggestions and support - this forum is great:D

[sarahw]

Nicky,

I can understand thoroughly your concerns - I am the organiser in our house & can't pretend our move was easy or stress free, but the actual container packing was great - we just left the guys at our house & we went out - they packed everything for 2 days & drove off with the container - leaving us with an empty house.

The house sale is not something you can control (which is probably why OH a bit worried about it) so you just have to make your decision based on what you want out of life as a big picture & not worry about the few months of organising & little details - they get sorted and become ancient history - we had to leave our house 2 years ago during a terrible slump in the market - we lived in NZ for 6 months before our house sale finally went through... but hey we got through it & it was a bit stressful for a few months but we're here & wouldn't swap what we did for the world.

Re. the frequent journeys back - some manage this, but many people who said they'd go back frequently don't often due to cost. My Sis-in-Law moved to Aus the same time we moved to NZ & she said she'd visit UK every year... we tried to explain to her how expensive it was & she wouldn't listen, so we decided to let her find out on her own... 2 years after she moved she went on her first trip back (a business trip otherwise it would have been nearly 3 years since she left) - we think this will be her last trip back for a few years due to house renovations, wedding plans, etc.

I think you're being very sensitive to OH (I have a brother with a very similar aversion to change) - everyone handles things differently & some people make their decision straight away but others take their time a bit more - if he makes a positive decision you can be sure he's thought it through carefully.

[Tia Maria]

Like others have said and you obviously understand it is very expensive to fly back. Its just like saying I'm going to have a holiday in Australia every year when you live in the UK.

You also need to take into consideration being allowed time off work and whether he's happy for all his holiday for that year will go on returning to the UK.

If it is really important to him, I still suggest you save for it now, rather than trying to find the money when you're in NZ. Obviously if he doesn't go back as often you can always spend it on a trip to Fiji instead :D

Check out this thread for some prices:

www.emigratenz.org/forum/showthread.php?t=9422

Cheers

Tia

[Debbie]

Sorry I don't think I can say anything to change OH mind but what OH and I did on the numerious occasions we had wobbles was this. (Having concerns is normal and overcomming these concerns is all part of making change).

I would suggest that you all sit down and lay your cards on the table, say who wants to move and why and what concerns you have. Understand he and others have concerns. (You wouldn't be normal or taking the move seriously if you didn't).
Ask him to write down what his concerns are and what he can see as advantages of making such a great move. You should do the same and that way you can identify these things and hopefully share them.
Then ask him to activly think / consider moving to NZ and what would make him less concerned and give him space and time to do that. Say that by all means if he wants to talk about these concerns or wants your help you would love to give it but accept that these are his concerns and you are not trying to purswade him they can be easily solved or are not important.
We always set a time to get back together and discuss our update but we never stuck to this. We would always end up discussing NZ on long car journeys or when we needed to check out with the other about an issue we wanted support on.
As keen as you are to move, IMHO this is such a big deal that both parties have to be willing participants because when your here and the stress hits you need each other and the unity that comes from knowing you are both willing participants in this adventure.

Hope you can both work it out.
Debbie

[ninny1970]

yer i Know what the other half is going through, im having this inner feeling of dread i'm doing the wrong thing, the main reason is my family, we are very close mum and dad both of ill health, have a lovely nice and nephew who i love dearly. i know moving is the best thing me and my husband can do and i really want to go over to nz and have the new life i dream off and 99.9% is fine with it, but .1% is making me sick to my tummy. will that feeling ever go and how do u cope being away from the ones u love. any advise will do i dreading the day i tell them i have a date to leave. PLEASE HELP

[nickydwuk]

yer i Know what the other half is going through, im having this inner feeling of dread i'm doing the wrong thing, the main reason is my family, we are very close mum and dad both of ill health, have a lovely nice and nephew who i love dearly. i know moving is the best thing me and my husband can do and i really want to go over to nz and have the new life i dream off and 99.9% is fine with it, but .1% is making me sick to my tummy. will that feeling ever go and how do u cope being away from the ones u love. any advise will do i dreading the day i tell them i have a date to leave. PLEASE HELP

What is their reaction to you leaving? My in-laws will not even discuss it as it makes them upset. I don't think there is an easy solution to this one and this seems to be the big sticking point for all those who 'know it is the right decision but ........' camp. My OH is one of these. I think we all need to keep reminding ourselves of the reasons we ARE going or thinking of going and not of the reasons to stay. I know once my OH has it all clear in his mind we will be able to start the process then between us we will work on his parents. I just need him to make up his mind - as long as it is to go:yes

[ninny1970]

What is their reaction to you leaving? My in-laws will not even discuss it as it makes them upset. I don't think there is an easy solution to this one and this seems to be the big sticking point for all those who 'know it is the right decision but ........' camp. My OH is one of these. I think we all need to keep reminding ourselves of the reasons we ARE going or thinking of going and not of the reasons to stay. I know once my OH has it all clear in his mind we will be able to start the process then between us we will work on his parents. I just need him to make up his mind - as long as it is to go:yes

mum and dad are really pleased, dad can't wait planning three month stays but i can see it in my mums eyes she is upset and i'm worried she will be unable to fly due to her ill health even though she said she will be fine and could do three stop overs, my nana went off on one and said we was wasting our time and money and we would be back in two years. was really
shocked and really upset by what she said. i know this is a really good move and will support my husband in every way and just can't wait to get over there but my god the family thing is a killer :)

[Jo_b]

Hello,

Just a couple of things that might help, most of which have already been covered:

-If you are happy doing all the logistical stuff, then take it all on, it will ease things for your partner.

- There are plenty of firms that will pack, load and transport all your goods for you, making it no harder than moving in the UK

- The 'try it for a year' idea is great (and worked on me - I was the less keen party, but also ended up doing all the logistics! Sucker for punishment that I am!)

- Have you been here for a holiday of at least a month? If not you should really come for a recce to see if you can really picture yourself here.

- Try and make sure you have a fund to cover flights home perhaps once a year - psychologically knowing you can get home if you need to see friends and family can really help.

- If you are unsure, rent out your house rather than selling, travel over here light, and put your stuff in storage in the UK (but sort it so that if you get here and know you want to stay you could get someone to collect and ship your belongings without you having to come back home.

I know this won't help convince him, but the process of making such a big move can really build you as a person. I couldn't imagine making such a huge move beforehand, but inside I'm dead pleased with myself for getting 'outside my comfort zone' (excuse the cheesiness of that last phrase).

Good luck!

Jo

[nickydwuk]

My OH has finally said he wants to move. However he still has some reservations about leaving our older two children - as do I. I think overall he wants to move. He has not said for definite - he is always cautious- but we are going through the whole process so at the end of it he can either say yes (which he will by then) or no. He is a little concerned about the dogs as they will probably be in kennels either here or NZ for about 4 weeks. That is a minor hiccup.

All those days and weeks of patience have paid off. I never pressured him but kept him up to date on everything I found out and showed him it all. So look out NZ - here we come :D

[Silverwing86]

Congratulations nickydwuk !

Good to read that your OH is feeling more confident about the move, it must be a huge relief ! Well done on your patience :nice1 ! IMO you made the right choice not to pressure him. It's such a big thing, he really needed to get there by himself without feeling pressured.

Good luck with your preparations, hope it all moves quickly for you from here on in...

Silver