[Belmont Babes]

Oh no. Just had my 10yr old Son crying again not wanting to leave friends etc. it breaks my heart but it is difficult trying to help them understand the reasons. Has anyone been through this? Any wisdom to impart? All would be welcome. :(

[CjChris]

I feel your pain!! Even though my kids are older, the youngest (18) wouldn't even hear of NZ when we first started making our plans. She could not imagine leaving the states. She was firm that she would not be going, and she tried her darndest to extricate herself from all plans and discussions.

As time went on, she started warming up to the idea. I didn't nag her or try to talk her into it. Instead, we just did our research, talked about NZ things at dinner, watched Whale Rider, bought a NZ tourism DVD and watched this...next thing you know, she starts asking questions...starts making plans...then asked to be put on the ITA (huge relief to me!). I think she felt a little left out of the excitement (love that reverse psychology!)

Now, I realize your child is 10 and presents a much different situation. It all must seem pretty final to him.

Has he looked at any pics online of NZ? Youtube has some great videos of the All Blacks doing the Haka--he might get a kick out of their team/national spirit. And maybe you could ease his fears of not seeing his friends except on holiday by getting a webcam (pretty cheap nowadays) so that he can try it out now and see how easy it is to use? I'm getting my sister one and my OH is getting his mom one so that they can see us online (we are paying for these since we are the ones moving away!)

Just a few rambling thoughts...maybe none of use but I wanted to try. Poor lad..hope he soon gets adjusted to the idea.

[benandclare]

so sorry to learn that your having a struggle especially having now met your two lovely lads. having been to NZ its is such an outdoor fun time nation for kids which once settled am sure they will love.

Come on you forum guys how about some of the forum kids sending some messages of encouragement to Joe and Fraser :yes
Perhaps they could share some of the cool stuff they have done in NZ :yes All the lovely beaches and sports etc etc.

TTFN
Clare :) :)

[marcia]

We have 3 boys , aged 11, 9 and 3. The two older ones came on our reccy trip with us, so had a good idea what we were coming to. The littleset one is happy as long as he is with mum and dad and his big brothers, but still he does come out with the heartwrenching 'I miss grandma and grandpa' when he sees photos they send via email.

We were most worried about our eldest , he is quite sensitive and doesn't make friends as easily as our middle son. We had lots of tears and only the other day when 'Granny' was mentioned, he had tears in his eyes.

All you can do is explain your reasons for making the move, be open with him, tell him how much you are going to miss your friends and family too, I said to mine the other day, 'how sad would you be if you didn't get to see me for a whole year', it kind of puts it into perspective for them. Help him to understand that you are all going to miss family and friends, but you will have each other.

I have to say our boys have done fantasically, they went to one school for only 3 weeks, then it was the xmas holidays, they started at a new school in February and have settled in really well, they are both popular members of their classes, both have 'girlfriends', have had sleepovers, party invitations, been to the school disco, are doing great in their soccer (football to us) team, just been moved up to the first division. They love school here.

They have very little contact with their old school mates - their choice, the computer is there for them to make contact, we got everyones email addresses, but at this age they do move on and make friends again.

If your boys want to have a chat or pm ours let me know, we can always try and set up a skype date!

I know how scary it all is, you are worried yourself about leaving friends, so know what your kids feel too, but it will be ok, you just have make more of an effort to get out there and mingle than you do in your 'comfort zone' back home.

How this helps a bit.

[Belmont Babes]

Lovely msgs of support, thank you. I am sure they will love it but when they are sobbing and asking how we can leave behind all we know, I find myself saying loads of positive things but in my head I'm still trying to get around these thoughts myself.

It would be great for the kids to have a forum of their own. What about it Douglas? (man in charge) . Chris, yes we have been looking at Youtube and it's been great. Could do with a dvd though.

[Belmont Babes]

Marcia, thank you. Will be in touch when I manage to set up my Skype.

[Joanne100]

I had an awful time with my (at the time) 8 year old daughter, she made up her mind she was going to hate NZ right from the very start, she made it quite clear England was always going to be better in everyway possible, we have been in NZ for nearly two years now, although she still talks about England and her friends and talks about wanting to go back, she has no contact with anyone from the Uk (her choice) she has made friends here loves school and has settled well.
I believe if u (the parents) are happy and settled the kids follow suit, we talked and talked to her about emigrating, how life was going to be so much better and how she would never forget England but she would learn to love NZ the same, to no avail, she had to see for herself and slowly get used to a new life, it was slow but it happened.
I think it all depends on ur child my two boys were fine, my eldest was 11 at time of moving and he was about to go to secondary school in the uk and said "i have to change schools anyway so it might as well be in New Zealand" my youngest really didnt care as long as he was with Mummy.
All you can do is be there for him answer his questions and tell him everything will be ok, i know how far away being settled feels for you at the moment but it will happen and he will be happy here.
Good luck with everything

[Belmont Babes]

Thank you Joanne. What lovely messages of support, I'll start crying in a minute. The messages have given me hope and encouragement to be positive and we'll get there.

[StevieD]

Natalie, do a search for the DVD Coast to Coast, or see if someone nearby on the forum has a copy to lend you. Bit old but it gives you the views etc.

Have you been to the expo yet? That is a good source of stuff..... usually.

The kids will always feel this way because their safety net is being removed. All that is familiar is going to be wrenched away in their minds, and it is difficult trying to navigate through the minefield. But, they come good, and as you know, friends are friends for life at that age! If only that were true.
Get them used to a webcam, believe me, we have had the kids set up for ages and can only recall a handful of conversations with their "friends" back in UK. To be honest, the kids have stopped looking backwards and are on their way forward with a large base of friends already, always busy, always doing something. That is not to say they don't still remember their friends, they can phone them up and send them emails, but it is not the be all and end all with them now.

We are sure they will be fine, will post some pictures to them tonight on the pm. :nice1

Steve & co.

[Hannah]

One thing for sure - he's not alone. there's lots of kids lurking behind the adults on this forum who've all had to make that break and who have a story to tell (love the idea about the kids section of the forum - would be great to have just kids only...posting to other kids. Adults can read, but say nothing!! Would be good place for kids to tell their friends to look them up after they've emigrated too!)

We lived in NZ Nov 05-May 06 and then went back to the UK, sold our house etc. and moved back to NZ in Jan 07. When we first in NZ my son said often that he wanted to go 'home' (he never really settled as we knew we were staying in NZ just for the 6 mths - in fact you could probably look up my old "help my 10 yr old wants to go home" posts ... he's 12 now!!!). Anyway, when we said we were coming back to NZ to live he cried, didn't want to leave his best mate etc. We arrived back in NZ and walked down the old street we lived in when we were there before and he said to me "i can't believe i ever said i didn't want to come back here" and he's never mentioned England or his mates again - not once. He'd never go back to England. If we went, i reckon we'd have a harder time dragging him away than we had getting him here.

but you only know that once you've done it - and i guess your son isn't going to really understand until he gets here too. Keep talking, and if you can involve him in some of the stories on this forum, show him pictures of where you are headed, get onto local school websites etc. he may have a better idea of what's coming up and it won't seem so unknown... If you're already doing that, stick with it. There's lots of past posts on just this very subject so have a search and find some other experiences there that can help you.

Good luck, but he'll be fine (she says with experience!). Hey, who on the forum can remember telling me just the same thing so long ago eh!!!!

cheers, hannah

[Tia Maria]

Ahhh, that must be so difficult, I was lucky in that my children were young so no wisdom to impart but just to wish you all the best with it.

Hmmm a children's thread now there's an idea ........

Cheers

Tia

[StevieD]

http://www.cambridge.co.nz/viewSubCat.php?sid=60

This link has a few things from the vicinity if you want to have a look at this with the kids....

[StevieD]

Children's area is used on one of my wife's forums she goes on. It is good because the kids feel as if they are taking part themselves.

Pop a pm to Douglas to see if he'll set it up, great idea.

[Sam B]

My 10 year was all for the move and very excited, but when we got here, she went pale and anxious looking at the thought of starting a new school. She had bad dreams and couldn't sleep. All the photos taken in our first week are noticeable for this white, cross, anxious-looking face. I was SO worried about her. It took her AGES to make friends in England and I was worried she'd never make friends here (she's a bit nerdy). I cried when I took her to school on the first day, seeing her sat at the table with all these strangers with this brave look on her by now Chalk-white face. I cried all morning. Great big gulping sobs. I snivelled all afternoon. Then I went to pick her up - watched her happy rosy face as she ran over the fields from the game she was playing. A girl came flying up and hugged her and said "see you tomorrow Poppy", I nearly started blubbing again. She's gone from strength to strength. She's MILES happier in NZ than she was in England, everything about it suits her. Her face looks different. She has loads of friends. It was worth moving here just for that alone.

[vixxann]

Oh Sam that one has bought tears to my eyes - how wonderful:)

We have three kids 13, 11 and 5. They are all looking forward to moving to NZ but every now and then we'll get a comment about missing friends, grandma & grandad etc. I hope that we can just get through it by being ultra positive towards NZ and reminding them about webcams and people possibly being able to visit us and stay for holidays (they like the sound of this!)

Oh and maybe not everyones cup of tea but we also use good old fashion bribery - they are going to get pets in NZ :roll We've told them once we settle in our own house we'll be able to get a dog or cat or something - they are now planning a zoo! Oldest wants a chicken (!) middle one wants a kiwi but failing that he'll settle for a parrot and little girl wants a dog and a cat and a parrot and a ..... :p

I must say that although there has been no kids thread (but please make one) the forum has been the most excellent source of info for us all so far, over books, videos anything. I often quote things off here to my kids and together we'll look at any photos that have been posted. So PLEASE keep going all you folks already in NZ - we LOVE seeing your photos and hearing the fab things about the place.

BelmontB - have you tried looking through some of the blogs people have going (theres a link to them somewhere) find some with kids your age and let them look through it and see all the fab things people get up to.
Good luck

[Belmont Babes]

Sam I really did have a tear in my eye about your Daughter. I am going to PM Douglas about the possibility of a child section. Vixann thanks for your help. I am none to good at research and need to make more of an effort. StevieD thanks for the link, I have saved that one. I will look out for that DVD.
Off to make choc muffins with Joe and his girlfriend who is one of the reasons for the tears. They have been best friends since Reception. Aint it sweet :)

[nickydwuk]

I can understand where you are coming from BB. I have just had my 13 year old tell me he doesn't want to leave the UK. When we first broached the subject of moving to NZ he did not want to go as he would miss his friends and nanny & grandad. His older brother (who is coming with us) and sister (who will be staying to go to Uni) were really eager for the move. I made the mistake of telling him that if he didn't want to go we would not go. He changed his mind after a few days and seemed all for the move. This week he has just told me he doesn't want to go - for the same reasons as before. His sister and brother said that he has mentioned not wanting to go sometimes but that he is always changing his mind and not pay much attention to him. I did not make an issue of it. Today we were talking about NZ again and he said that he thought we weren't going now as he did not want to go. I said we were still thinking about it. He obviusly remembers my earlier comment about not ging if he doesn't want to go - I don't want to force him but if everyone else wants to make the move what can I do? I just hope if and when we move he will change his mind again or at least find that once we are there things are not so bad.:(

[Belmont Babes]

Hi there

I feel your pain now. Also are you still waiting for OH to decide like it says at bottom of your link. Maybe you could tell your 13yr old that it has progressed too far to turn around the decision. My Son is fine today and quite positive. Given the choice both of my boys would stay in UK but they really can't understand the big picture at such a young age can they? OOh eck I hope we both get through this. I feel that I will arrive in NZ an absolute gibbering wreck after running on adrenalin for months. :wah

[Hannah]

We tried to involve our kids in the decision making as much as we could, in terms of listening to their views about why and why not they didn't want to go. However, at the end of the day, we sat them down and said the final decsion would have to be ours. 8 yr old was happy to go as long as we could move to a house with stairs (?) and 11 yr old didn't want to go. We said we would seriously take his views on board in our decision, and i believe the bulk of our discussions and deliberations really considered how it would affect him, and then we said that the final decision to go was based on what we, as adults with a life's experience behind us, thought was the best for him AND for us. And he just accepted that (he had no choice i guess). And he's never looked back since. It's one thing letting your kids choose their own wallpaper and quilt covers, quite another letting them decide whether you move or not. We gave him as much choice as we could though - what school he went to when we got here, what sports hobbies he took up, what bedroom he and his sister wanted (fortunately they didn't chose the same one). I think though, looking back, that when we stopped trying to involve him in the actual decision making process about moving he settled down. The weight of the decision making was out of his hands and he could just moan to his friends about how we were taking him away etc. The decision was too huge for any 11 year old (we found it hard enough). Sometimes you can involve your children too much.

I remember reading on here about 3 yrs ago about a guy who had lived in NZ since he was 10. He said his parents had decided to emigrate from the UK to NZ despite him being as negative as you could be. And now 20 years later he still felt grateful to them for taking that step and making what was, for him, the best decision of his life. I hope my 11 yr old still says the same in 20 yrs time! I have no doubt that for him, and my daughter, (and us) we did the right thing.

[nickydwuk]

As both my other children are happy for the move it does make it easier as the pressure is not quite so intense. I discuss with them about the move, show them properties that we like so they can see what kind of house we may live in and discuss what activities they can do etc... However I can't help my 13 year old out with the thought that he will miss his grandparents and friends. It doesn't help that one set of grandparents are against the idea and won't even discuss it with us but they are happy to try and put doubts in the kids heads by saying things like " if you go this will be the last birthday/christmas etc you will see us". As they are my OH's parents I can't say much to them yet as OH has still not made a firm decision. One day he is ready to go - the next he wants to stay - especially as the weather is getting better here and he can get out in his garden and plan what he will do next year. He is just very wary about change and boy you can't get a bigger change than moving to the other side of the world.

I have started the ball rolling with applying for passports, then I wil apply for registrtaion with the NZ Nursong Council and then i will start job hunting - at that point OH will have to make a decision and my son will hopefully have come around - if not he will have accept our decison.

Thanks for all the support.