[LesleyS]

Moving the family 12,000 away is a BIG step, and without question an emotional wrench for most. After all, family are supposed to be the most important people in our lives....aren't they?

Why then do some of us have odd reactions from our 'nearest and dearest' when we sit them down and explain what we plan to do, re: emmigrating?

Sadly my own parents are no longer around, but the OH's mum and dad (in their 70's) have heard us discussing the possibility for the last couple of years now, and have seemed enthusiastic at our forthcoming plans (so we thought!)

OH went on his reccie earlier this year alone for a month, during which time his parents only called once to get an update on what he found, did etc.
Upon his return it was 6 weeks before they came round to see us, and amazingly they did not want to know anything about the trip (or look at brilliant photos/video footage)

Upon leaving, all they said was "Well are you going then?"
He said "Definitely, If they'll have us".:exit

Another month passes, and they call round.....OH gets photos out again....they hastily change the subject and NZ is not mentioned again.

Me personally.....I can deal with their indifference/rudeness, but I feel sorry for OH......

Strangely enough tho my brother has also gone a little 'cool' towards us?

What's wrong with people?:confused:

[brookied]

This past weekend we told our families of our intention to move to Wellington. On whole everybody was very supportive. families can change very quickly but maybe your OH needs to have them alone and ask them why they are so cool.

[the wilson's]

don't worry about it. I think they are pretending it is not going to happen as it is their way of dealing with it. My mum is abit like that and I don't think until we are at the airport that she will believe we are going.
Good Luck and don't be swayed

Karen

[Jon&Candy]

I don't think your OH's parents are indifferent. More than likely they don't want you to go and they're thinking that by ignoring the issue it will just go away.

I've been through the same kind of emotions with my Mum. For a few months, she didn't really want to talk about it, but gradually, she's starting to talk to us and starting to understand why we're so keen to make the move. She's also looking forward to the visits as she's never been to NZ.

Time's a great healer.

[movefromus]

It's probably pretty difficult for them....you guys got to make the decision but they just have to accept whatever you say. I'm not surprised at his parents reaction seeing as they are in their 70's....who knows how long they'll live? It's a long expensive trip which means they may only see you a few more times before they die. It'll be the same for my husband's Mom when we tell her our plans (she's 77 or 78)....I don't expect her to be too pleased either as she won't get to see her son or her grandchildren very often.

Carly

[holland]

Hi,

My mother in law is exactly the same, isn'tinterested in the house going up for sale, she doesn't know what parts of new zealand we like, hasn't shown an interest in any of the research we have been doing, she just chats about 'her' stuff, to avoid everything, my hubby puts it down to jealousy and disappointed...I just think its a real shame, but we cannot control the way others react, we can only be responsible for our own actions, so I just let her get on for it, but I think she'll be shocked when we're no longer here, and wish she'd maybe spent the time to chat to us!

[nickydwuk]

My mum was good about it - she said she would miss us but hope it works out for us. When we first mentioned to in-laws they were non-committal then FIL told OH not to mention it to his mum as it upset her too much. So we didn't. That made things difficult for us as we wanted to talk about it to them and discuss things but couldn't. In the meantime they were talking to the kids about it and trying to put doubts in their heads. I found out today that MIL was upset that OH had not spoken to her about the biggest decision of his life. When I told her that FIL had said not to she went mad. She had not said anything about not wanting to know - she wanted to be involved in the discussions about the move. Of course she would rather we were staying put as she will miss us if we go but she said if it is what we want then she is happy for us and will definitely NOT be hanging on OH's leg at the airport begging him to stay.

It seems if everyone is open and honest and talks about things life is a little easier. Well for some anyway:)

[benandclare]

We are having a really positive response from our family

EXCEPT for my one BIL
who has not discussed anything with us over the last few months, even when we spent a weekend with him and his wife! he sends emails to us with negative vibes and all the reasons why going to NZ would be a complete disaster:uhoh the other response from him is to moan about the move to OH's mother (his mother too) which i find upsetting as although she is elderly she is very positive about the move until he puts inaccurate rubbish into her head about how terrible it will be - she then worries and passes on the messages to us!

I understand that this reaction may be because BIL has no control over the situation and he has now missed the opportunity to talk sensibly to us given that we have jobs, have sold the house etc etc .....

When we speak on the phone NZ is a 'no go' area ... so how can we move him forward in to accepting that the decision is ours (not his) and that we would all feel a lot better with his blessing.

May be the crux of it is that we all have different values and the areas of life that matter most to him are not necesarily in the same priority order to us - BIL seems to think that we are destined to fail in our 'new' life despite us researching like mad, visiting NZ, and having family (my side) already living successful happy lives in NZ.

Clare:raebanana

[Desi & Amber]

Amber and I wanted to tour North America by motorbike for a year back in the early 90's. My inlaws didn't acknowledge us selling our house and shipping the bike out. The day we left, they just said goodbye as if we were going shopping. We now understand the only way they could cope with us going on our trip was to hope the issue would go away. I think, like my inlaws, they feel if they don't talk about it then it's not really happening. Unfortunately we were in LA for the Rodney King riots but all went well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now we've decided to emigrate to NZ sold the house again, the inlaws are really encouraging and that worries me. I think it's a ploy to make me do the reccie by myself so they can talk their daughter into divorcing me!!!!!!!!

ATB

[liamnrach]

What's wrong with people?:confused:

LesleyS

We really do feel for your OH...how has OH taken it? How does he feel about it? Rach has got a friend who moved to America about 2 years ago now. Since her arrival in America, she has not spoken with her mother. Her mother has completely disowned her own daughter for following her dream..... as far as she is concerned, she does not have a daughter: Rach's friend is heartbroken, but steadfast in her desire to make a go of it in America (she has met a lovely fella and recently got engaged - her mum didn't even want to know - so sad:( )

Ignorance by the OH parents could mean a number of things: Their way of dealing with it; A touch of jealousy; An attempt to make you guys feel guilty, thus applying pressure for you to change your minds; Or it could be that they would just miss you both dearly and do not want you to go - and do not know how to express these feelings?

In any case, it is important to get them round to the idea as soon as possible as it may create unnecessary complications later on...and there will be enough stress for you to deal with by then.

Whatever happens, we hope that they appreciate that you are doing it for 'you' and send you on your way with best wishes.

Good Luck:nice1

Liam n Rach

[BaldyBeardyBloke]

I suspect it's an avoidance tactic to sidetrack having to have difficult heavy emotional conversations which might involve letting out feelings that his parents find difficult to express.

They are british after all. We're renound for our 'stiff upper lip' and 'bottle it up' style aren't we, and it does tend to be prevalent in the older generation.

[veronica]

Baldy beardy bloke I think you have hit the nail on the head, its not indifference, not jealousy, its just that to give voice to these things makes them real. by ignoring the issue they don't have to confront it and say they dont want you to go, because they realise they cant stop it, and to confront you with their feelings and lay on a guilt trip is unfair. doesnt mean they dont feel things probably feel them very strongly, nor that they aren't interested, just finding it difficult to cope with the thought of their kid(regardless of age) is going to be so far away. By distancing themselves a bit now they may be hoping to lessen the blow when you go.

[Lupin]

Moving the family 12,000 away is a BIG step, and without question an emotional wrench for most. After all, family are supposed to be the most important people in our lives....aren't they?

Why then do some of us have odd reactions from our 'nearest and dearest' when we sit them down and explain what we plan to do, re: emmigrating?

Sadly my own parents are no longer around, but the OH's mum and dad (in their 70's) have heard us discussing the possibility for the last couple of years now, and have seemed enthusiastic at our forthcoming plans (so we thought!)

OH went on his reccie earlier this year alone for a month, during which time his parents only called once to get an update on what he found, did etc.
Upon his return it was 6 weeks before they came round to see us, and amazingly they did not want to know anything about the trip (or look at brilliant photos/video footage)

Upon leaving, all they said was "Well are you going then?"
He said "Definitely, If they'll have us".:exit

Another month passes, and they call round.....OH gets photos out again....they hastily change the subject and NZ is not mentioned again.

Me personally.....I can deal with their indifference/rudeness, but I feel sorry for OH......

Strangely enough tho my brother has also gone a little 'cool' towards us?

What's wrong with people?:confused:

They sound hurt and scared, not indifferent. It's hard for the family left at home not to feel rejected.

[jubjub]

Whats wrong with people? I am thinking that they just dont want you to go, but dont actually want to say it outloud, a) because they dont want to alienate you and b) some people find it hard to articulate feelings properly when they are upset, so stay silent and slightly moody instead (like me :o !)

We had my parents like this too, they did not really talk about it much, so we did not push the topic with them, if they wanted to talk about it great. On the other hand OH parents wanted to talk about it all the time and moan that we were going! To be honest I think I preferred the silent treatment! :roll

Try and accept that this is their way of dealing with it, its hard, but the alternative of pushing the topic into conversation a lot may just cause a big row/rift, which means you leave on a sour note.

[Tia Maria]

Lupin 77 wrote:

They sound hurt and scared, not indifferent. It's hard for the family left at home not to feel rejected.

I think this is very true and often the case. Before leaving and since we've left, I have always been the one to put in the effort with family & friends. Sometimes it really annoys me when friends don't make any effort at all but I genuinely feel as I was the one to leave I have a lot of 'making up' to do.

I'd like to think that when my children grow up and want to see the world or, heaven forbid, go and live on the otherside of it, that I will be happy for them. However, I know deep down I would be heartbroken, so in the same respects I know I have done this to other people which is one of the hardest things I personally have to deal with.

Talk to them, ask them what you can do to make it better - there may be nothing, but at least at some point in the future they will know that inbetween the excitement of emigrating, you were thinking of them.

Right I'm off to send out lots of emails to my freinds and to hide the kids passports ......:exit

Cheers

Tia

[StevieD]

Judging by the amount of responses you are not alone in this respect!

My wife's parents were exactly the same, you could have written the script for them. I expect it is their way of hoping that it is a bad dream and that the fad will pass by. But you have to be strong, explain your reasons behind it all, and if they are reasonable people, which I do not doubt at all, they will come round to the idea.
Saying this, it is not easy, and makes for some very awkward situations and uncomfortable times. Good look, be strong, at the end of the day, it is your life now. As cruel as it sounds, they have done their job in bringing you up to be responsible adults in the world, and it is up to you, in being responsible adults, to do what you feel is right and best for YOUR family.

Steve

[Chiba]

IMHO you can't just not talk about it. You need to get everyone's feelings out into the open before you get on the plane. Don't let people just clam up and change the subject, even it it causes fireworks! Believe me, if you leave anything unsaid it'll only fester, and Skype just isn't the same as face-to-face...

[marcia]

Firstly lesley have some

{{{{{big cyber hugs}}}}}

Secondly, this is just one of the hurdles you will be challenged with along the way, so get those legs in shape, there will be more to come!

Thirdly, as others have shown, you are not alone in the reaction you have. My parents were sad, but interested, happy for us to talk to them and try and explain what was happening along the way, they eventually took power of attorney for us and sorted out the house sale, my dad is also dealing with our tax affairs too bless him.

However kev's mum, who had been with us on our reccy trip, so knew what we were coming to, (and getting away from), was very negative, if the subject came up, (but we tried to avoid it with her after a while) she always seemed to find something negative to say about New Zealand, and kept pulling it down. At first we wondered if she was just trying to make us aware of the negatives, but after a while it got really draining, and I dreaded her coming around. Eventually Kev actually talked to her about her reactions, and brought it all out in the open, she hadn't realised she was been negative, and admitted that she didn't really want to face the fact we were going because it upset her too much.

What you have to remember is nobody can live your life for you, and you shouldn't stop yourself from doing something for fear of upsetting other people. You and your family unit are the important ones, this may sound really hard, but it helped me to come to terms with leaving my own wider family memebrs, with whom I am very close - in fact I've just spent the morning blubbling on skype with my sister because my parents won't be here till after christmas because of the huge cost of the flights till the end of December - how pathetic can I be, so long as they get here sometime it doesn't matter, but these little things sometimes set you off!

So I would just give your parents in law the time to accept you will be coming. Do they have a computer or digital camera? Perhaps try and encourage them to get one and show them how to go on skype and MSN using a web cam. I know it helped my parents knowing how easy it was to keep in touch this way.

Anyway - hope you are feeling a bit better about it soon. :o

[Sam B]

I agree with most people - they are hurting, and in denial.

[willowshouse]

Have experienced very similar reactions from various people - friends and some family .. it is not them being difficult just for the sake of it (which is also how I first felt about it). Play the whole situation by ear .. there is no right or wrong way .. some people don't want to talk about it, and some do .. just try to see it from their point of view and be gentle with their feelings, without losing sight of the fact that this IS what you are going to do and it is is your family's best interests.

Best of luck,
Dawn

[red]

Hi Lesleys,
I agree with most people here, seems to me that your in laws are just trying to deal with it in there own way. Both my parents passed away recently too, but we are fortunate that my OH parents are being supportive ( they are a fair bit younger than your in laws though). My parents were in their 80's and most elderly people find any change difficult to cope with, let alone their family moving to the other side of the world. Does your OH have any siblings? If you are their only family it must be especially difficult for them. My OH used to be in the Navy and spent months away at sea at a time, it was always hard to be the one left behind so to speak. You are moving forward, you have the excitement of living in a new country, you are in control. They don't have this to offset the sadness of not seeing you as much. All you can do is try to give them a little time, be patient and hopefully they will come around. Are there any Aunts or Uncles who could chat to them about it? They might respond better and open up to a brother or sister without the fear of worrying your OH. In the end though they will understand that you are doing this for you and your family, they will adjust.

Best of luck, hope all goes well.

[LesleyS]

Thanks guys

Everything you say makes sense, it is difficult for family to accept sometimes, and like you say there are probably alternative ways of including them in the process to make the transition smoother for all.

I do agree agree wholeheartedly tho that we have to put ourselves first, this is the path we have chosen for our own family - to work at providing the best future for us all.

Hopefully they will see this and embrace the move as best they can. It isn't a closed door, on the contrary we would welcome as much contact as possible from anyone we leave behind.

I'll keep you updated on how things progress good or bad.

Needed to get it off my chest though as I'm sure you can all understand.

Lesleys xxx

[hball]

Such a sad topic. Perhaps another concern for those left behind is the feeling they have lost an 'identity' as the role they have filled for so long has gone.

When I first left home on my big life adventure I didn't really consider my parents emotional well-being - hey life was ahead of me and I was going out to grab it!! As you do at 18!!! Well, when my son was the same age he returned to the UK. Each birthday and Xmas I cried my heart out - how could it be that he was growing and experiencing life and I, the woman who gave birth to him, the one who held him while he made his first steps etc, was not there to see the boy become a man?

Two friends are in the same position; both with only daughters, one is in the UK, the other in the Shetland Isles, neither intending to return to NZ in the near future. Both now have children who only know their grandparents as a signature on a card, a photograph or a voice on the telephone.

Five years after leaving my son returned to NZ and has now settled. I also have a daughter and three grand-children, and I live in fear that they will decide to leave NZ for better opportunities abroad.

Sorry - didn't mean to bring the topic down - pass me a glass of wine to cheer me up!!!!!

[marcia]

Such a sad topic. Perhaps another concern for those left behind is the feeling they have lost an 'identity' as the role they have filled for so long has gone.

When I first left home on my big life adventure I didn't really consider my parents emotional well-being - hey life was ahead of me and I was going out to grab it!! As you do at 18!!! Well, when my son was the same age he returned to the UK. Each birthday and Xmas I cried my heart out - how could it be that he was growing and experiencing life and I, the woman who gave birth to him, the one who held him while he made his first steps etc, was not there to see the boy become a man?

Two friends are in the same position; both with only daughters, one is in the UK, the other in the Shetland Isles, neither intending to return to NZ in the near future. Both now have children who only know their grandparents as a signature on a card, a photograph or a voice on the telephone.

Five years after leaving my son returned to NZ and has now settled. I also have a daughter and three grand-children, and I live in fear that they will decide to leave NZ for better opportunities abroad.

Sorry - didn't mean to bring the topic down - pass me a glass of wine to cheer me up!!!!!


Don't apologise - you've seen the situation from both points of view so can give a much more balanced answer. Your family will be with you in your heart and mind no matter where in the world you or they are! :nice1

[StevieD]

Good luck Lesley over in "that Huddersfield" :) At the end of the day, it is not an easy decision for anyone to go through. Be strong, you will need to be, but you will be surprised by many things on this path. Things you may not have expected to happen will and vice versa. Your OH will not be finding it easy as Jan my wife didn't. She is an only child and had to go through similar emotions. But she realises when she sees how our kids are enjoying LIFE and being kids again, is worth all the heartache.

Good luck - and to you hball (but alcohol is a depressant so won't make you feel any better LOL)

[nickydwuk]

Good luck - and to you hball (but alcohol is a depressant so won't make you feel any better LOL)

But chocolate will :D

[hball]

Don't you know its mandatory here to guzzle the local wine - it's called supporting the economy! Hmmmm now what excuse can I give for the chocolate?????

[Patricia]

I feel so sorry that some families are so unsupportive I would like to quote a text I had yesterday fom our son who will be staying in the UK

Wow, it's starting to sink in that your going and it's unlikely that I will be able to pop round for a cup of coffee and a nap in front of sky tv. But on the other hand I couldn'tbehappier 4 you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Can any one wish for more than that.:clap

Patricia

[nick w]

I shouldn't worry about it......we are about to start the whole process off soon and I know wife's family are going to be hideous about it. I even figure they'll make her feel guilty about even considering it. I certainly wouldn't worry about what other people think. If you lived your life to other peoples expectations nobody would ever get anything done. Be single minded, direct but firm in your dealings with family and on no account let them 'control' your lives. No-one should stand in the way of others, it is selfish and unnecessary.
nw