[nickydwuk]

I have read with interest a number of 3,6 & 12 month posts - in some, people settled very quickly and others it took some time. It is a big decision to make the move to the other side of the world and there are obviously many things to consider of which emotional security and financial security are probably the two most important ones. I was wondering how long on average it takes to settle in NZ? We hope to move next September with 2 of our 4 children and while I realise we are all different it would give us some comfort to know what sort of time frame it is likely to be before we begin to feel settled.

I have attached a poll to this thread but comments would be helpful too.

Thanks :)

[Silverwing86]

Hi,

I voted 3 months since I have felt more at home here in NZ than I ever have in the country where I was born (The Netherlands).

However, this may have something to do with the fact that I spent a large part of my youth in Asia (India and Indonesia) and have always felt out of place in Holland.

Also, my family has often lived apart from each other so that we are very used to it and somehow, strangely enough, the greater the distance, the closer we are. I believe, from what I have read on this (and other) forums, that missing family is often one of the strong factors when people have trouble settling in. Not being faced with this difficulty so much probably makes it a lot easier for us to feel settled here. This way we have both feet firmly planted on NZ soil, so to speak, rather than one foot in each country.

My partner is UK born, with a Dutch mother, and has lived for extended periods in both countries. He feels more at home here as well, as opposed to both Holland and the UK.

For us coming here was like a breath of fresh air after always feeling stifled where we came from. Consequently, we find we do not speak of 'back home', but rather 'in Holland', and to us Holland does not usually compare particularly favourably to NZ.

In fact, circumstances dictate that I may have to go there in a few months' time. Although I would love to see family and friends again, the thought of being back there makes me shudder and I will avoid it if I can ! Don't get me wrong, it's not that Holland is such a horrible country persé (because it's not), it's that I just don't fit in there and as such have never felt at home/settled, even after 20 odd years.

I know it's early days yet, we've been here for five months, but all it took for us to feel at home was our own place and the container with our own stuff. Not knowing where everything is and/or how everything is done here has not felt unsettling to us at all, more like a fun challenge full of new opportunities. I have to admit though, that having our own place definitely did make a big difference.

What also made it easier for us is that, although the road to PR was very long and hard before we came here (due to medical issues on my part), we have had it fairly easy since our arrival. We had a bit of money (nowhere near enough to live mortgage free, but enough for a small down payment) behind us and no immediate worries about income since OH brought his job with him. I think this is a big factor as I imagine financial worries would probably prevent one (me included !) from feeling settled quickly.

Another thing is that not having a social circle around us right off the bat doesn't tend to frighten or unsettle us. We realise making deep and meaningful connections with others will take time and thus feel no immediate urgency in this, all in good time. After eight years together we still love each others' company (helps that we don't tend to get on each others' nerves :D) and loneliness has never really been an issue for either of us. This probably makes the feeling settled quickly a lot easier as well.

There are ofcourse things that are vastly different here, which sometimes take time to get ones' head around (like banking ;)), but somehow we don't tend to think of these things as negatives (or worse than in Holland) and they would certainly not be an incentive to go back ! In fact if, for any reason (which we absolutely can't imagine at this time !), things might not work out for us here, I suspect we would probably not go back, but rather move on to someplace else.

To make a (very :o!) long story short, I think it is very personal and specific to the person concerned how quickly one feels settled and that it involves many different aspects...

[srivett]

I haven't arrived in NZ yet, so I can't answer the poll, but I want to say that I feel a kinship with everything you've said, Silverwing86. Much of my background experience and motivations are very much the same - a feeling of displacement in every country I've lived so far and a very loose relationship with my family - so I hope after 3 months in NZ I'll be able to say the same as you, with just as much peace and joy.

Thank you for sharing your story - it was a delight to read.

[johnrt]

I don't want to be a spoilsport but I think the poll is flawed.

Someone who has been in New Zealand for 1 month and who feels unsettled has no option but to vote for the final choice. Most people reading the poll will interpret the "unsettled" result to mean that the people who have voted that way have been in New Zealand for more than two years and are still unsettled. But they might only have been in New Zealand for a few weeks and are still feeling unsettled.

To be accurate the poll needs other options such as "three months and still unsettled" ... "six months and still unsettled" etc.

Apologies if I'm taking things too seriously. It's a habit of mine. :o

[nippa&pippa]

Johnt there are different type of unsettle. In my case, I couldn't settle till I know my children is settle and happier, and now at 7months (2 weeks ago), we finally moved into our own house, out of rental house and noticeable straight away, everyone become settle and happier then I can relax. Children love their new house with big land to play on, my OH now got new toys, ride-on mower, tractors etc to "play" on it!!:roll also it is much better than living in christchurch city as we have always brought up in country....so till you get what you want, you will finally settle.

[marcia]

I went for the six months.

I never felt properly settled even though I was quite happy for the first few months, and the main reason was not being in our own home. Once we found the house we wanted to buy, and moved in with our own stuff around us, I felt much more settled. But i still have 'unsettled' days, like today for instance, missing my central heating in the UK and being able to walk around the house from room to room without freezing if you moved away from the heater. (it is very cold outside today here, 2 degrees this morning when we went on the school run, ice on the windscreen)
I have bad days when I really just want to see my family and friends and pop in for a cuppa with my mum and dad, and its hard when our youngest says can we go to grandpa's to play!!!! I don't know when or even if those feelings will ever go away, but for 7 months in - I'm feeling pretty settled really!:)

[Sam B]

I went for still unsettled, because although I'm feeling miles better and actually largely settled, there are still some days...

Little things happen every day that remind me that I'm a bit of an alien, especially whenever I use a colloquial expression at work and everyone stares at me in complete incomprehension, or when they all suddenly stand up and start singing in Te Reo Maori and everyone knows the words and tune and I feel like John Redwood singing the Welsh National anthem.

I'm 5 months in. I think it will take 6 months!

[nickydwuk]

Thanks for all your comments. It seems that most don't feel settled until you have your own home and possessions. I can identify with that. The emotional upheaval can't be measured and I would imagine that this would continue for many months or even years. :yes

[migratory birds]

It'd be interesting to also know average age of those voting in this poll. I know that the older I've gotten the longer it can take to feel settled. In our 20s, many are still wandering but by our 40s many are settled into their nuclear families/jobs/social circles and less open to welcoming newcomers into their mix. When it used to take a year to feel deeply-connected in my 20's took about 18 mos with my last cross-country move in my 40s.

[Carol]

Age 45.......
Arrived 11 years ago.......

Still unsettled.
Sad but true.

I was so close to my family (mum dad brother etc) before I came - and still am. Nothing at all has changed - other than they (my parents) have become "elderly" in that time - and I struggle with how much I could help if I was there.
That said - my own family (3 kids) and my hubby are very happy here.

It's a huge dilemma for me - with no easy answer.

[MB]

Interesting thread, nickydwuk. It has me thinking.

A difficult one. In a way it's sensible and valuable to have a ballpark idea in one's head as to how long it might take to feel settled... based maybe on others' experiences, or case officers' observations of previous families, or whatever.

On the other hand, having any such figures in one's head can start to feel like pressure to live up to them in one's own case. This can be quite hard to resist.

However, if someone does succumb to that 'ticking countdown' feeling once they get here, a salvation is that they might well come to a point at which they start to say "Hang on, it's not a race. I guess I'm just me, and it'll take as long as it takes."

We've been here almost exactly two years, and are still finding things really quite challenging. But I think that's mainly because of what we are trying to put together here. NZ may not be a perfect 'ration pack', but it gives you quite enough to get by on if you really want to stay. There is a significant sense in which -- a little like what many folks say about the jungle -- NZ isn't good or bad: it's just there, it's just neutral. If someone really wants to be here and stay here, they'll get on with things.

So coming to that "It'll take as long as it takes" stage -- if you think in terms of stages like this -- can feel quite liberating. It's as though you start to look yourself and NZ in the face.

Finally: I'm not saying anything as harsh or disspiriting as that everyone who moves to NZ and then leaves didn't really 'want' to be here enough. I know there might be other factors and circumstances; that -- for example -- there are probably tipping points at which it just feels better to try somewhere or something else. That isn't my point here.

Again, nickydwuk, thanks for this thread. :clap It has made me examine a few feelings.

[barryp]

I had a moment of feeling settled this morning - opened my wallet and as of yesterday there is nothing NOT from NZ inside it.

These little things matter a great deal more than I had thought they would.

[zardell]

We have been here 8 months.

The words acceptance and comfortable came to my mind when I considered what made up the different components of my 'settling' here in NZ.

Accepting NZ for what NZ is and feeling comfortable with that.

Believe me, we have had our ups and downs since we arrived here - a variety of negativities varying from the important things like finding jobs and finding somewhere to live, not to mention missing family and friends, through to the little (but still important) things like which shops sells what goods and how the heck do we get there? - wheres the map ?? !!!!! :laugh

OH settled much more quickly than I did. I think that's because he soon found a job that he really likes in a town he loves living in and so it didn't take long for him to get consistency in his life.

I wasn't that lucky and it's taken a little longer for me, although having said that, if you asked me would I go back to my old life in the UK, I would have to say a resounding - no. Ask me if I would I like to go and regularly visit - yes please !!

Julie

xx

[Debbie]

We arrived the beginning of Sept and I was never going to settle before I had got my first Xmas out of the way. Also those first few months we didn't have our own home or belonging, my MIL was taken very ill and I had death in the family non of which helped NZ fell like a place I wanted to stay.

However, 10 mths in and as I wrote to someone recently I feel less like a tempory resident but I like the way Zardell puts it better.



The words acceptance and comfortable came to my mind when I considered what made up the different components of my 'settling' here in NZ.

Accepting NZ for what NZ is and feeling comfortable with that.



xx

NZ is home now but whether it is where I belong is a different matter. For the time being I'm loving it, I have a little book and I jot down great things that I do in a day that wouldn't have happened in the UK. It's supprisingly full.

Debbie

[zardell]

NZ is home now but whether it is where I belong is a different matter. For the time being I'm loving it, I have a little book and I jot down great things that I do in a day that wouldn't have happened in the UK. It's supprisingly full.

Debbie



Well Debbie, it must be the day for compliments, because my heart totally understands your comment about NZ being home, but being enveloped in that sense of belonging is quite another matter - I think for me that's going to take a bit longer yet. Another meaning to the word 'acceptance' maybe ?

A 'Great Things I Did in NZ Today' book is a marvellous idea. Would I be right in thinking that re-reading it will act as a great reminder as to why you decided to be in NZ in the first place?

I think another part of feeling settled is maybe to remember how unsettled we may have felt in our countries of origin and that maybe that's one reason why some of us are here in the first place.

Julie

xx

PS
It wouldn't let me rep you- said I had to spread it around a bit first (LOL) so have one of these instead........:clap

[martinp]

It is interesting to read of others feelings on being about as far away from family and friends in the UK it is possible to get.

We extensively use Skype to contact the UK, and with a webcam at each end it is like having your contact sat in front of you. This is much, much, better than a basic phone call, and seeing the person you are talking to adds greatly to the closeness of the call.

One of our daughters was complaining about us being so far away, but since she installed Skype, we never hear that complaint any more.

I have absolutely nothing to do with Skype, but it is free to call anywhere in the World Skype to Skype, and all you need is a webcam at each end and preferably broadband.

Martin
Kerikeri

[katandbob]

1)
We arrived the beginning of Sept and I was never going to settle before I had got my first Xmas out of the way.

2)
NZ is home now but whether it is where I belong is a different matter. For the time being I'm loving it, I have a little book and I jot down great things that I do in a day that wouldn't have happened in the UK. It's supprisingly full.

Debbie

Debbie, I have had one christmas here, and I doubt it will ever really feel like christmas - its too hot and light! But I know what you mean! and to your second comment - WHAT a GOOD idea:clap I think I will get a book and put it in my bag, I tend to fluctuate from happy to lost depending on who I am thinking about - ie watching a dv video that Rachel :D sent me in the post of Cole, wow hes grown, a groovy dancer, and such a sweet child - I feel so low, because its not me hes running to in the video!


my heart totally understands your comment about NZ being home, but being enveloped in that sense of belonging is quite another matter - I think for me that's going to take a bit longer yet. Another meaning to the word 'acceptance' maybe ?

A 'Great Things I Did in NZ Today' book is a marvellous idea. Would I be right in thinking that re-reading it will act as a great reminder as to why you decided to be in NZ in the first place?

I think another part of feeling settled is maybe to remember how unsettled we may have felt in our countries of origin and that maybe that's one reason why some of us are here in the first place.

Julie

xx


Julie, lets hope we feel that acceptance soon hey:nice1

And yes when I feel low I try to think of why we came out here in the first place.

I look out the window and take a good look at the views, and look at the horses.... then I feel a bit better:)

Kat