[nickydwuk]

When we move next September we will be bringing our 2 younger boys with us but our eldest son and daughter will be too old to come with us (he will be 20 and she will be 19). My son moved out from the family home over 3 years ago and is quite independant and my daughter will be starting her second year at university. They have both said they will follow us out whne we can sponser them although my daughter is training to be a teacher so could probably come over inher own right.

The initial move and leaving them here is not a problem. But recently I have been thinking about the situation and my FIL out it into words yesterday. What if they decide to stay in the UK and get married and have a family? I will have grandchildren that I will only ever know from pictures, webcams and birthday & Christmas cards. Even if we get to visit occasionally it will not be the same.

Has anyone else had this dilemma and how have you coped with it? This seems to be the only stumbling block for both of us now.:(

[anna_c]

When we move next September we will be bringing our 2 younger boys with us but our eldest son and daughter will be too old to come with us (he will be 20 and she will be 19). My son moved out from the family home over 3 years ago and is quite independant and my daughter will be starting her second year at university. They have both said they will follow us out whne we can sponser them although my daughter is training to be a teacher so could probably come over inher own right.

The initial move and leaving them here is not a problem. But recently I have been thinking about the situation and my FIL out it into words yesterday. What if they decide to stay in the UK and get married and have a family? I will have grandchildren that I will only ever know from pictures, webcams and birthday & Christmas cards. Even if we get to visit occasionally it will not be the same.

Has anyone else had this dilemma and how have you coped with it? This seems to be the only stumbling block for both of us now.:(

I'm not in your position, although it might be worth noting that if you stayed, your children could themselves decide to emigrate overseas. Given that they've said they'll follow you out, even though they could change their minds, it does sound like you have a high chance of ending up in the same place anyway - and not emigrating by no means assures that.

However, I just thought I'd point out that your daughter likely could come with you if she is financially dependent on you, although that might not suit her given her studies etc. Here's the definition of a dependent child http://glossary.immigration.govt.nz/Dependentchildren.htm

[katandbob]

as a mum with her 2 eldest in the UK along with grandson - yes its hard, but its something I have to deal with - its a personal choice, a hard one but its individual.

Some days I'd jump on the first plane home, but others I can deal with the distance.

Good luck

Kat

[mossum]

Has anyone else had this dilemma and how have you coped with it? This seems to be the only stumbling block for both of us now.:(


Hi there ,

We agonised over when to leave the UK - my hubby had been married before and had a child to consider - there was no best time ! eventually we bit the bullet & moved last August . It's been hard , very hard at times - to tell you any different would be an outright lie . My step son is nearly 16 & is due to visit in 2 weeks , i don't know how we will be when he's gone again - he's all we have (we can't have kids) . Educationally we'd like to think he's in the best place by staying with mum in the UK .

My top tip is keep some money aside for trips either them to you or vice-a-versa , otherwise its a major challenge on NZ wages - it used to cost me 3 weeks UK wages to make a return trip to Christchurch from Manchester- the same trip for my step son has just cost me 6 weeks NZ wages.

The best thing you are doing for them is giving them a window of oppertunity - the chance to live here , a foot in the door . They may choose not to use the oppertunity... then again they just might & then all the stress & anguish would have been worth it .

sorry to have rambled on - hope it helps a little .

vic

[nickydwuk]

Thanks Mossum, it has helped. As you say by going at least we can give them a foot in the door. An opportunity that they would never have otherwise. I discussed this with my daughter yesterday and told her how I would feel if she settled here instead of coming with us. She told me that we would always be a major part of her life no matter where we were :) Such an old head on young shoulders :D She also said the only reason she would stay inthe UK after University would be if she was in a relationship and even then she said that if she settled down they may even decide to follow us to NZ. She is such a treasure I will miss her soooooo much.:(

[gil]

Hi nickydwuk,
Our eldest came out with us (less than graciously) in November and went back to UK on Jan 8th. She is here for a six week holiday and is going back in August. She's now 19 and determined to do it her way. If I could I would make her stay here, but I can't and so I live with it, and it's not easy. We speak 4-5 times a week most weeks, and she is coming out for Christmas. I just wish she'd find Mr Right here!

No real words of comfort, I realise, but it's OK, honest.

Gil

[kanatakiwi]

As someone with a daughter in Canada, I can also say its very hard. But my husband has sons here in NZ and when we were in Canada, he had to be apart from them, so no matter where we are, we budget a fair amount of money for travel back and forth to see family. It a price we just accept. Also recommend you get skype and use it regularly, it really is different from a phone call when you feel no pressure to"get off the phone " because of the cost. We talk for hours sometimes. Good luck

[nickydwuk]

Hi nickydwuk,
Our eldest came out with us (less than graciously) in November and went back to UK on Jan 8th. She is here for a six week holiday and is going back in August. She's now 19 and determined to do it her way. If I could I would make her stay here, but I can't and so I live with it, and it's not easy. We speak 4-5 times a week most weeks, and she is coming out for Christmas. I just wish she'd find Mr Right here!

No real words of comfort, I realise, but it's OK, honest.

Gil

Thanks Gil.

I have thought about putting my daughter on our EOI anyway as she will be 18 and theoretically still living with us. I understand she would have to activate her PR within 12 months so hopefully she may be able to visit at Christmas. I don't know if this would count as activating her PR.

As for my son - well he no longer lives at home but will only be 20 when we move. NZIS class dependant children as ones who do not nessecarily live with you but are either wholly or partially financially dependant on you. How can you prove or disprove this? I pay his phone bills and we buy some of his food each week although he works as well as bail him out when he hasn't paid his rent. :roll

[CjChris]

At first my 18 yr old daughter said she didn't want to go to NZ, so I left her off the EOI. By the time we got the ITA, she had been denied admission to her first uni of choice in the states, so then she wanted to be added to our visa application! Thankfully, the ITA allows for this, so we put her on the form.

My 22 year old daughter was already on the form. She lives away from home and is a senior at university. Even though both girls are totally financially dependent on me, I really didn't have much proof of that to show immigration. The only things I sent to show dependency regarding both daugthers were...
--my bank statements showing a few checks written to the oldest (50 dollars here and there)
--my credit card bill showing a payment to her university
--my credit card bill showing a few air fare tickets I'd purchased in their names
--print out of email confirming said flights in both girls' names (from airline)
--oldest daugther's wage slip showing her part-time income
--an letter of further explanation included in my ITA packet detailing other things I do to support both daughters (even though I had no "proof")

Really, I thought I had not provided much info. Most things I do are in cash or the girls are along with me and I buy them clothes during the same purchase as my clothes, etc.

So, I thought, how can I prove anything, really? And how can immigration disprove anything?

Everything turned out OK in the end....we were granted PR with no questions asked about the girls. It might have helped that I also sent pics of the girls doing things with me--cuddled up on the couch watching TV, on vacation together, dolled up to go to a show, etc.

So, good luck to you...and yes, your daugther coming to visit at Christmas should count just fine to activate her PR! Go for it! I was sick thinking one child one not be on the application...after I added her I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders!

[KD17]

I've definately been where you are :confused:.

My daughter was 17 when we first applied and although she said she would come with us, she swiftly changed her mind, but none the less she was included with our application and has PR.

I found it exceedingly difficult to get excited about moving here - although I knew I was looking forward to it enormously - but my thoughts were constantly about leaving her behind and I tortured myself with the thought that I was abandoning her - until I came to the realisation that I was actually giving her a golden oppportunity and opening doors for her that she would not have the chance to go through otherwise.

She is 20 now and has been out for a 2 week visit, and although she likes it she wants to stay on the Isle of Man. We are continually in contact in one way or another, text, phone, e-mail, MSN etc., and, so far, I've not been too bad over it. I've had my moments but try to look back at how I felt at that age (if my memory stretches that far :) )

The distance is only in miles - the heart is always close.

I accept, now, that she has her life to lead and I can't do that for her, just be there to support and keep an open door at all times.

Good Luck

Debby

[mossum]

The distance is only in miles - the heart is always close.

I accept, now, that she has her life to lead and I can't do that for her, just be there to support and keep an open door at all times.



Debby


Debby - that is lovely - i've a little tear in my eye now ....

vic x

[Angelonthemove]

I too am in the same position as my daughter of 19 is still inthe UK. They woudl not accept her on our PR as she has a job i the UK. She came over for 2 weeks with her new boyfriend me hoping that he would love it here and they would join us but no. I miss her everyday but understand that she is independant and has her own life. She may have decided to emigrate to the USA or Europe and I would have been left thinking why did I not go to NZ, so that was what made up my mind to make the move without her.

the good thing is she does not see me as an interfeering mother and we never have those fights that families do so its always a lovely relationship. But I still ask myself constantly if it is all worth it being here without my only daughter. Life is short and nothing is ever for ever. So who knows what or where we will all be tomorrow.

I have booked my trip back and we will as all ways have 10 days of mummy & daughter time which is more than I woudl get if we lived near each other.

Best of luck.

[KD17]

She may have decided to emigrate to the USA or Europe and I would have been left thinking why did I not go to NZ, so that was what made up my mind to make the move without her.


Absolutely spot on. That's was my thinking exactly and with age not totally being on my side, if we'd didn't do it when we did, we possibly never would have been able to.

I echo all your thoughts there.


Debby

[nickydwuk]

I agree with angelonthemove & KD17. Although I am worried that I will be missing out on a large part of their lives I realise that they may not stay local for ever. As you have said - if we don't make the move they could still move away themselves and then where would we be? Wishing we had moved. :uhoh

My daughter has said that I will always be part of her life and I hope she means it. My one regret will be if she marries & has a family I will always be the long distance nanny who sees the grandchildren once every 5 years. Can I cope with that? I don't know. Is it worth giving up a dream or is there a way I can have both? :confused:

Sorry I am getting maudling and seeing things that might not be there. I am in limbo at the moment - waiting for OH to finally give the green light to the move and dying to get the ball rolling then all these emotional issues keep creeping up on me. :wah

I need a stiff drink and a holiday.:cheers

[culpepper]

we are intending to go out in about a year- My daughter is living away from home with her boyfriend /fiance but is still dependent on us for a lot of things (even tho she is 241) my son is on a gap year and will start university in southampton next september-

I really don't know what to do for the best- apply to have them on with us- or at least my son- and then sponsor my daighter? - she is a graffic artist and also will be taking a PGCE next year so she could get over herself only she cannot afford to :(

[Mickstim]

Culpepper - if you have a daughter of 241 you must be really ancient!!:laugh

Maybe you should do a survey to see if you are the oldest member of the forum. And welcome !!

Bx

[AlexUK]

I wish my parents would move to NZ, im about to start my 2nd year of uni and id move in a heartbeat.

Jesus dependant till 241, at what age did she move out? 200? I know people are staying at home longer due to increasing house prices but thats a bit much!

[veronica]

we have two natural and one foster daughters, one in Auckland and two in the Uk. we are in contact with them all via phone, texts, msn and emails. It is hard but it was our choice to come here and the girls all know they are welcome anytime. Our eldest has an australian passport so there is no probs for her to be here (auckland one) the youngest would qualify on her uni degree and the foster daughter ( who has a family) is a nurse so she too would be welcomed here. They have to have the same choices that we had, they may for all we know decide that they like the look of Canada, they all know that we love them and it takes no longer to email there than the UK, Oz or whereever they are.
We too keep the fare set aside in case we are needed, thats our security blanket.

For those of you with children who are young enough to still be included on the immigration forms I'd put them on there whether they want to come at present or not. And keep in mind that for those under 31 that they can apply for the Young persons working holiday visa and have two years out here on that.