[Ashby]

Let me start with... I am a worrier!!

My OH and I have a fabulous relationship. The best possible.

But, this process is VERY stressful. Even under the best of circumstances. And, when you factor in anything at all to do with traveling a long distance via air......

I am wondering about the effect on your relationships.
I know that it will depend entirely on your relationship and the people involved.
Just wanted to know your experiences.

Did moving around the world make you love and admire your partner more?

Or did the stress and culture shock add strain to your marriage?

Thanks.

[CjChris]

Well, I'm not there yet, but I know for a fact that I have wanted to bop Nathan on the head more than once during this process. :uhoh

And he's just a big ole kid at heart, so I feel reeeeeaaaaaallly guilty every time I have that urge:o

[CityBlue]

But, this process is VERY stressful. Even under the best of circumstances. And, when you factor in anything at all to do with traveling a long distance via air......

Did moving around the world make you love and admire your partner more?

Or did the stress and culture shock add strain to your marriage?

Thanks.

A bit of background first.
I am 28 and my partner 24. we have been together for 7 years.
No Kids. We did not use an agency. I had a job offer before I came out.

The whole process is both stressful and enjoyable (in a slightly sadistic :D way). We had 'words' with each other on a couple of occassions (like when I lost my medicals!!) but overall there is/was just a sense of us doing this great adventure together. Something we are both sharing and its almost us against the world!

I think our secret was to take everything in stages. By this I mean set yourself targets like "ok. this week I'm going to sort X, Y and Z" That way when you acheive them you feel good and you dont think of the other 3 million things still left to do!

My dad always said to me that whenever you are doing something difficult - just stop and think how many people have managed it before you. Then think that if they can do it so can you.

As for your original question "Did moving around the world make you love and admire your partner more?" I cant love my partner any more than I already do. I think it makes me admire her more though.

Having said this I can Truly understand why the whole process breaks some relationships.

Just my honest opinion and experience.

Good luck

[Beachcombers]

We arrived here on visitors visa's in 2004, with only $500 to our name. Mel manged to score a cash in hand job, whilst I jumped through then work visa hoops. It was really tough going the first few months, we manged to live on $60 a week for food and stayed in a backpackers for two months.

And it was good fun! We had faith in each other, with every small success, came a small celebration, every setback was met with "it's going to be ok".

It only made us stronger, much more confident and we definitely feel we are reaping the rewards now. We bought a house, both got jobs we love and are now expecting our first child!

Support each other, mistakes will be made, never lay the blame, always say sorry and remember you are in this together.

[Nick88]

I'm a big worrier too.

The big problems arise when there is a mismatch in the desire to move, level of homesickness and enjoyment of the new life. This can lead to a break up with one staying and other going home, if the marriage is not strong enough. I have seen it happen, though thankfully not often or too close to home.

I "worked" on my wife for years to get her round to the idea of leaving England and the only life she had ever known. Eventually she decided she had had enough too and we left. She felt the pull of her family much more than I have (mine all live here now!), and she has been back to the UK a couple of times to visit. She is always very very glad to be back, and claims she is now cured.....until the next time.

Don't worry. It's an adventure. If the worst happens you just go back to TX and pick up your lives where you left off.

[CjChris]

We had faith in each other, with every small success, came a small celebration, every setback was met with "it's going to be ok".

Support each other, mistakes will be made, never lay the blame, always say sorry and remember you are in this together.

Excellent post. Yes, every small celebration serves as reminder that you are in this together. Sometimes in the thick of things, it's easy to think the world revolves around whatever the problem is at the moment. Nathan and I are pretty good at reminding each other of the big picture when tunnel vision sets in!

There are days when I have been on edge with worry. There are days when he spends hours on the phone or computer trying to track down container info or cat shipment info and gets stressed out. At the end of the day, what matters is that it's not a contest to see who does more "work" toward the move but instead to remember that both of you are contributing toward your successful future, and it's all a valuable contribution.

Sometimes when I'm all serious and deliriously tired, Nathan hands me a glass of wine and we just sit and talk for a while. I sometimes have a hard time balancing the work/play thing, so I think it's necessary for both partners to watch after each other and not let the "overworked crazy mode" set in :D

[Nathan]

Well,... I .... bop Nathan on the head more than once during this process. :uhoh
:o

I'm so abused!!! :D

[CjChris]

Hey, watch your ellipses, buster!! :D

[nippa&pippa]

We had rough ride during emigration progress, arguements, just had young baby put stress on us etc. But once we arrived in NZ, our marriage had dramatic improvement :clap because he is not working long hours anymore, I am not working at night anymore...also I am not children's main carer anymore, we share the responsiblility on children once my OH get home early at 5pm whereas in UK can be up to 7pm mean OH see children for few mins before they are in bed. Now much easier on me mean less angry at my OH for lack of support with children even not his fault, it is his old job's faults. We talked to each other more etc....

[Sam B]

Well it's been explosive at times, but we've never been one of those calm "we never argue" types (do they REALLY exist??) and there's no doubt we've had lots of stressful emigration-related arguments; but overall I think we're actually getting on about the same if not better. It feels like we've been through so much together.

[leachio]

Our relationship was pretty fantastic in the UK, I knew with Dan I had met my soulmate (ahhh!!)

Anyway since we arrived I have and still am finding it extremley difficult to settle whereas Dan has taken to it like a duck to water. We have never argued over it merley discussed it endlessly, and he is bein so supportive by simply saying if NZ isnt for all of us then we will simply go home and be all together there. I just cant help but luv him even more :yes

It has been a journey we wouldnt have wanted to make with anyone else!

[Kim39]

All i will say is that mine and OH's relationship has survived over the last 20 years, but we knew that this move would test some boundaries, and yes they have been well tested. Elaine has settled really well, whereas i myself have struggled, and when mentioned about returning home, i was met with the words solicitor, and divorce:yes With those words ringing in my ears i decided to knuckle down and push a little harder, and it has paid dividends especially since we are on the verge of building. So what i am trying to say, and others have said it is that it all depends on the relationships people have before they even make the first steps to secure emigration.

Kim

[marcia]

So what i am trying to say, and others have said it is that it all depends on the relationships people have before they even make the first steps to secure emigration.

Kim


Have to agree with you there Kim - if your marriage/partnership is shaky and showing a few cracks before you start on this process - don't expect it to last.

It isn't easy on any of your relationships, with family, friends, your kids, your partner, but one thing that you MUST do throughout (which is also what they say makes marriages work long term!) is to be open and talk about it, keep those lines of communication open, you may not agree on everything, but as throughout your life you have to agree to disagree.

We had a strong marriage before we came to NZ, having been through some pretty tough times when the kids were born and I had PND, it didn't actually seem as hard because we both agreed what we wanted to do, and worked together to achieve it.

So to me the key thing to remember is COMMUNICATION! :)

[jess]

We were happily married for 6 years before we moved. We're just as fine after the move, but we both enjoy NZ. Marriage advice articles in magazines are always saying to spice things up with a change of pace -- well we avoided the "seven year itch" with a BIG change of pace. :p

...But seriously I could see how it would cause stress on a marriage if one person was adamant about going back and one was determined to stay in NZ.

[lockstock]

Dunno. I'll tell Simon what to say on the subject when I let him out of the cupboard.

[MB]

It looks as though we are on the verge of returning to the US (we still love NZ and have achieved much of what we set out to do!) so you ask this at an interesting time!

Although we are both very tired at the moment, we are still communicating and having a few laughs.

From day one we found it very important:

- to see the funny and daft sides of moving and settling in NZ. This helps a lot. It can relieve pressure.

- carefully to examine the idea that fun (in any sense :laugh ) for the two of us always has to be spontaneous. What we mean by this is simple: settling in takes so much time and energy that it can be risky to work on the ducky assumption that fun will just happen. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it needs to tread on the toes of busy-busy stuff. To some this can sound counter-intuitive. It isn't, IMHO: it's just acknowledging something about the bustle and mixed timetables of emigrating. Nor does it mean that you have to get to the absurd state of self-consciously over-straining to provide yourselves with laughs and enjoyment. Just keep in mind that you're in NZ to have a great time.

- to say what's on our minds. Yes, from time to time it might be wise to bite one's lip for a short time -- e.g., if a serious talk would only jeopardize a partner's job-interview performance the next day -- but we think that bottling up concerns for much longer than that is asking for trouble.

- to remember that not every source of interest, socializing or leisure has to be novel. Here's what we're on about: coming to NZ has plenty of novelty to it without the migrant feeling as though every last scrap of their old life has to be banished. If the pair of you has always loved kicking back with old Scooby Doo cartoons, or a copy of Viz, or whatever, then do it. Seek it out if needs be: spend a couple of dollars on it. Especially if you're down in the dumps. You're not creeping back to your 'old' life, you're not huddling and isolating yourselves. You're just doing what you love. If you deny yourself, you're denying yourself.

- to be prepared for one's partner to act and react in predictable and/or unpredictable ways. (S)he might deal with each challenge in the way the other would expect, but maybe not. Just be prepared.

- to think hard before taking on clearly big commitments. By this we mean, e.g., pets, scarily binding contracts, unrealistic promises, and so on. There's enough pressure to this whole thing as it is, so take care.:nice1

[srivett]

There are days when he spends hours on the phone or computer trying to track down container info or cat shipment info and gets stressed out. At the end of the day, what matters is that it's not a contest to see who does more "work" toward the move but instead to remember that both of you are contributing toward your successful future, and it's all a valuable contribution.

That's me right now - stressed out with what seems like casual work - all the tracking down of information online and keeping in contact with shippers and the like. OH and I have a great relationship, and we've been through much more stress than this - including a previous int'l move - but I have to admit there are times lately when I feel a bit of resentment at the unbalance of all the organisational work. So it really helps right now to read this thread, to see that other people are going through the same feelings and to be reminded of the big picture. Thanks everyone :) Here's to everyone's relationships strengthening as a result of the great adventure. :cheers

[CjChris]

Dunno. I'll tell Simon what to say on the subject when I let him out of the cupboard.

:cheers :D

[Nathan]

:cheers

Hear, hear!! More beer for everyone!! :cheers :cheers :cheers

[slw]

- to remember that not every source of interest, socializing or leisure has to be novel. Here's what we're on about: coming to NZ has plenty of novelty to it without the migrant feeling as though every last scrap of their old life has to be banished. If the pair of you has always loved kicking back with old Scooby Doo cartoons, or a copy of Viz, or whatever, then do it. Seek it out if needs be: spend a couple of dollars on it. Especially if you're down in the dumps. You're not creeping back to your 'old' life, you're not huddling and isolating yourselves. You're just doing what you love. If you deny yourself, you're denying yourself.

You hit the nail on the head with that one. Just today, I was lamenting to my parents about the lack of good Mexican food or decent sushi and my father's response was something along the lines of, "You're in another country now, you're going to have to change your habits". And while I see his point and agree to an extent, sometimes the changing of habits gets too be too much and only something familiar can shake the blues.

As for the original question...Moving is stressful. There are no two ways about it. OH and I have been together 7 happy years, but we both agreed we needed a change, so I think the move will do us good.

OH has still been in the US finishing up house and car sales while I've getting things established over here. I think trying to get things done + being apart has created a lot more stress for both of us, but thank god for Skype and Twitter. In our case, it's quite possible that we have gotten along well by being apart during this time. :laugh OH is pretty easy going. I'm the one that lets it all get to me.

[peebles16]

Good to hear other folks worried about this too. we are in the process of move and I feel like a total nag cos all the pressure has been on hubby to find a job - and clever boy has gone and found two! i do feel a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing though and am really worried about the stress of the next couple of months but hope the end result will be worth it! What has been a real help though is this forum and the honesty of all involved.

[CjChris]

The thing I have disliked about this whole process is that during all the paper chasing, form filling, internet research, stress and worry, my OH and I have not had as much time nor energy to do things together like we used to. We're just too tired, stressed, or busy trying to get our ducks in a row to run play like we want!! :p

Has anyone successfully gotten past this hump once you moved to NZ? :uhoh

I'm hoping like mad that once the container is gone and we are ready to hop on our flights, the weight of it all will be lifted and we can go about having fun with this adventure.:cheers

[txbarb]

Ashby - we are in TX also (Houston) and are planning to go over in the next 6 mos or so. We're going for a look round NZ in September - this was the most recent spot where we had the need for a little "creative compromise."

DH was pretty set on the s. island and I started reading about the weather and thinking we ought to also have a look around the n. - hawke's bay area in particular.

Problem is we only have 11 days. I know - ridiculous - but it is so. So I found that Air NZ will let you do multiple stops. You can fly on to 3 cities, so we were going to go Auck - Napier - Nelson - Chch. Then back. DH wanted to drive it instead and "see the country."

To cut down the story in the end we're going to fly into Auck, drive down, stopping along the way, hop the ferry over and at the end fly out of Chch. Still a lot of ground to cover in that time, but a lot better than having to make a mad dash in the car all the way back up to Auck to fly out. We're both happy with the plan - and it wasn't quite the plan either one of us had going in.

Good luck on your adventure. Txbarb

[Familyofmonkeys]

For us, it is like a big adventure together....the nitty gritty paperwork side of things is far more of a hassle to us, than the actual 'doing stuff' part is.