[katiejay]

Me, me, me, me, me!! I've just realised that pretty much everything I've ever posted is about how I feel, and how it will affect me (and my OH). But what about the boys? How are my children going to react when we land in NZ and start, what will initially be, a very odd new life? I talk to my children alot about their feelings, but it's a fine line between checking they're ok, and making them feel like something is wrong because I keep asking them how they're feeling!! I know moving them to NZ is absolutely the best thing we can be doing for them (to my knowledge, they are not yet issuing stab vests in NZ schools yet, like they are in the lovely county of Essex!) but I would welcome any thoughts and ideas for making the (emotional) journey easier for them. They are 8 and 4, and I think they pretty much grasp what is happening and what is going to happen in the lead up to us leaving. Kids don't really like the unknown, though, and there's not a great deal I can tell them about what will happen when we touch down in Christchurch, because we have no idea how it will pan out! I'm pretty confident we'll be ok, but I have no certainties for them....:uhoh

[gil]

Katiejay, at 8 and 4 they will settle just fine. They won't have the long-established friendships to break that a 15 year old has, nor will they have to create new patterns of socialising, they'll do all that in harmony with their new NZ world. Yes, they might miss family, especially if you have a very close family and they might miss some familiar things or places, but the patterns that children create in their lives can be created here very readily. I hope that doesn't sound too wierd or dismissive of the move, it's certainly not intended to. I think they will be fine! A whole new world to discover!

Gil

[katiejay]

No, that's good, Gil, thanks. I know in my heart 'she'll be right', but I think most parents doubt themselves at least 20 times a day! I have a fairly relaxed attitude to the whole thing at the moment, although I can't promise to remain that way as November gets closer - I worry that I'll worry them!!! Blimey - being a parent is SUCH a responsibility!! :roll

[speckythecky]

Yes they will settle, at least initially. To start with its like a big holiday. I thing the biggest hurdle is the transistion from holiday to new life. We are trying to do this gradually, helped by the housing market in the UK. At the moment the boys are doing well but I still have concerns about the next few months. 1 things is that the have school hols in a weeks time, to help them readjust.

[StevieD]

Katie, kids are remarkable, and at that age will settle nicely. It is natural to have all these doubts and fears, but from our experience, there is a much better world out there than we had in UK.
Our kids have tried things that they never had the opportunity to do in UK, not because it wasn't unavailable in some cases, but purely that is was inaccessible for many. We are sure you will find yourselves doing all sorts of wonderful things as a family, don't worry.
They also love their school, and apart from one or two incidents (kids again eh) we haven't had one single episode of "I don't want to go" syndrome.

Good luck in your move and stop fretting, sure they'll be fine :nice1

Steve

[Lupin]

My kids (9 and 4) have settled incredibly well. Occasional wistful conversations about things they used to do with family members but other than that they both declare themselves Kiwi, have 'heaps' of friends and both tell me often that they love their life here :)

[stejude]

My perspective is different. I was raised in NZ and left when I was 15 to come to the UK. I had a brother of 13 and a sister of 11 at the time. For me it was so hard!! Wrong age for me. My sister on the other hand is British ( English). My brothr is a real mix. Me I'm a KIWI, always will be. Thats why Im going home!! Hurrayy....... I would ay this though get to normality ASAP, schools, home (your own), their own stuff and get out there and enjoy it. Kids are so adaptable, resilient and yes being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but being the 'new' kid aint easy. They will love NZ. As long as they have the mum and Dad she'll be right mate. Good luck. `

[marcia]

For most kids home is where ever mum and dad are!!

Ours aged 11, 9 and 2 when we moved have coped really well. They have taked occasionally about a few friends they miss back in the uk, but the main people they miss are grandparents, godparents and Aunties and uncles who we were very close to.

I too found myself checking all the time - do you like NZ, are you Ok, are you homesick, and they were usually fine till i started asking and we then began talking about people they miss - so be careful with the questions!!!

Overall they have settled soooooo well, even our eldest who we thought would struggle the most, but i think keeping him in a school that has the itermediate age incorporated has helped a lot.

They will be fine as long as you are - they do sense it when you are upset and it can have an effect on their feelings.

Good luck!

[Tia Maria]

Katiejay:

I'll bump this old thread for you incase you haven't seen it:

www.emigratenz.org/forum/showthread.php?t=11810

Living in an area with lots of expats I've spoken to many about settling children and a few themes come through on a regular basis:

1) Its tends to be a lot easier with the under 9s.

2) Don't stay in holiday mode too long - although you might want to overcompensate by taking them to a new attraction every week, children really do benefit from routine. Nothing too fancy, just knowing Friday night is always fish and chip night, or Sunday mornings is a DVD with Mum and a biscuit, or a trip to the park on Saturday afternoon with Dad. Their own room with a couple of familiar toys and bedclothes also helps.

3) Resist the urge to get them too involved in the big decision making. This can be very hard if you are driving round possible new areas or doing a lot of open homes. For some this is just boring for others it is actually stressful being asked 'which room they like', then not getting the house. But once you get the house involve them in the little things - 'what colour do you want your bedroom walls?'

4) Hide as much of your stress and worry as possible - very hard if you are all living in a motel. It may not surface at the time but it can be very unnerving for a child, particualrly older ones, to hear constant comments like, 'What if you don't get a job?', 'I just hate living in a rental, I never feel settled' and 'I am so homesick and feel so bad about leaving granny she's so old'. It sounds obvious but when you arrive there is a lot of this, plus a bit of bickering :p and it can all have a drip drip effect on how secure they feel.

I have to say though 98% of the families I have met their children have been fine and many have blossomed beyond belief.

Be warned - I have met some families where the parents want to go back but feel obliged to stay as its such a great improvement in lifestyle for their children!

Cheers

Tia

[stejude]

see its the kids that adapt and the parents that change it for them......lol. Do whats right for the family. Im going home after 25 years

[Jo Jo]

I know moving them to NZ is absolutely the best thing we can be doing for them (to my knowledge, they are not yet issuing stab vests in NZ schools yet, like they are in the lovely county of Essex!)

Sorry, no advice to offer, being child-free myself. but I just wanted to know which schools are giving out stab vests? (I'm asking out of sheer nosiness - I'm Essex born and raised.)

[katiejay]

This is some really good advice - thanks everyone. I shall just have to calm down about it and if I go with the flow, they will, I think!! It's good to hear about your experiences - really puts my mind at rest...
Sorry, no advice to offer, being child-free myself. but I just wanted to know which schools are giving out stab vests? (I'm asking out of sheer nosiness - I'm Essex born and raised.)
Hi Jojo, it's not the schools handing them out (yet!), but on Look East last week they profiled a local company who are lining school uniforms with Kevlar to make them stab-proof, and the take-up has been phenomenal. The high school at Frinton has people on the gates to search pupils for knives as they go in each morning after there was an 'incident' with a knife there. Frinton!!!It does feel like the violence is getting closer, and the 'perps' are getting younger! :exit

[Sam B]

Both my kids (10 and 6) are happy and settled and generally loving it. However, we have had some behavioural stuff with our 6 year old. Firstly she became very defiant and had a lot of extremely noisy tantrums whilst we were living in our rental (I'm sure the neighbours thought we were abusing her) and then she became obsessed with the idea that we would be burgled and couldn't sleep at night. She is still finding it hard to sleep through the night 8 months on, and this is not at all how she was before.

I think she is slightly freaked out by the 1 storey houses with doors leading out from every bedroom to the outside, she feels less secure, but also I think she has found the whole move traumatic and unsettling. Her behaviour is gradually settling and improving but she is still pretty high-maintenance at times.

I also think what Tia said is true - we did bicker a lot when we arrived, and I was very unhappy living in the rental house, and I'm sure this made things worse.

The 10 year old has been fine, very happy here, no wistful longing for friends back home, it's like they never existed.

[katiejay]

I think all kids are pretty much the same, when they don't know how to express themselves, and at 6 years of age who does?? They just become these whirling dervishes! You're so right about what you say rubbing off onto the children - your ideas become their ideas, without you realising, and there's a real danger of brainwashing them! We've lived in my sister's house since January, and I've hated every minute of it! I often hear the children say "I hate this house!", and I think they are just voicing what I'm thinking. Makes me realise that there must be many times I've said things or acted a certain way without realising it (did I say that out loud, kind of thing). The question is, do we hide our true feelings to spare the children, or is that unhealthy for all concerned. Personally I think the latter, and that it's right to air our views, but severely tempered to suit the audience. Instead of muttering "I hate this house", I should have said, "oooh, won't it be lovely when we've got a home to ourselves again!". I'm trying to make a conscious effort to do this, rather than be negative. :o

[LesleyS]

Katiejay, at 8 and 4 they will settle just fine. They won't have the long-established friendships to break that a 15 year old has, nor will they have to create new patterns of socialising, they'll do all that in harmony with their new NZ world. Yes, they might miss family, especially if you have a very close family and they might miss some familiar things or places, but the patterns that children create in their lives can be created here very readily. I hope that doesn't sound too wierd or dismissive of the move, it's certainly not intended to. I think they will be fine! A whole new world to discover!

Gil

Speaking as the mum of a 15 year old, I heartily agree with Gil.
My daughter has made significant friendships with a small group of girls at her current school that began in Year 7 and have remained strong up to Year 11 (now).

Taking her away from this environment at such a 'Hormonally Challenging' time has not been easy for either of us, and not all teenage girls are open to heart to heart talks about their feelings with mum at 15 - to make matters worse.

We are just handling the situation with as much TLC and support as we can, and hoping that the school we have chosen in New Zealand for her will also be constructive in making the transistion a bit easier. Time will tell.

Watch this space.....

[mgbridges]

Just to echo what everyone else has said really... kids are amazing and do adjust. Well our 5 3/4 yr old has done pretty well so far (been her for 6 wks). For him what has really helped is getting back into a routine. We were really tempted to keep him out of school until the beginning of next term (early Oct) but when the school we wanted offered us a place to start straight away we jumped at it. The timing actually worked really well as he started school here the week he would have returned to school in the UK after the summer hols.

He was clearly craving interaction with other kids (he is an only child) and although I've always known it, I've never realised quite how much more settled he is behaviourally when he knows what the routine is going to be. He has got much better at turning the TV off when we tell him to now he knows the day has structure and we're not just drifting and making it up as we go along ;) I'm almost sad that he breaks up today for a two week holiday!

Other things that helped were having his bedding (duvet cover etc), favourite bedtime & bathtime toys, favourite book and also a few of his day-to-day toys. We were fortunate as OH arrived in NZ before us so I boxed-up a load of stuff and couriered it out to him (much faster and cheaper than the quote we got for air freight). Its definitely also helped that I haven't had to look for work as it means I'm the one certain thing in our sons life... i.e. I'm always here in the morning, I always take him to school, I'm always there to pick him up.

I agree that if the children are quite young it puts a lot of pressure on them if you start asking them to be very involved in big decisions, like which rental or house to rent/buy. The only question we asked our son was if he thought they'd be enough room for his wooden railway as he can't wait to get his hands on it again!

Right I'm now waffling so I'll shut up... good luck with your move!
Anneliese

[katiejay]

Well! This is what actually happened...
The older one (8), who was desperately sad in the lead up to us leaving the UK, is now as happy as Larry. He has made friends and has chosen his school, mainly based on meeting friends in the local park who go there! Luckily I approve his choice!!
The younger one (5 on Boxing Day) has been a nightmare!! He has been having outrageous temper tantrums every day. I agree with Anneliese, that it's lack of routine that's done it. I'm gradually teaching him to control his temper - count to 10 etc, but it's been quite tough at times, and leaves his older brother frankly bewildered!! I have also cried, because I blame myself of course for putting him through this. However, the tantrums are gradually getting fewer and further between (although I'm still reluctant to take him into supermarkets - I think New World in Dunedin won't be too happy to see us again anytime soon!!), and he is now looking forward to starting school in February. I have resorted to bribery, since Christmas is approaching - each 'good' day without a single tantrum gets him a chocolate coin!! We'll get there.............
Katie x

[shakyle2906]

Hi

We moved over in April and our main concern was our then 4yr old (5 in June).
My inlaws had looked after him since he was 3mths old for me to go back to work as money was tight!

Since moving over he has 'had a ball'. He loves it here.........

After a few weeks, evern though i wasnt working, he went to Kindy 5 mornings a week - just so he had little ones his own age to play with (also cos i found we were getting 'fed up' - in the nicest way - of each other. Then when i started work, he went to an ABC learning centre, before starting school in July full time. Kindy was great, but didnt 'tax' his brain as much and after being in school full time since 3, he couldnt get his head around finishing at 12 noon.

He has just had his first school report, and i am not bragging cos he is mine, but it was a glowing report. He has done extremely well and we are so proud of him.

He does from time to time mention his friends, but not that rarely. He always talks about his nanna and bampa (inlaws) and does ask when we will see them again and that he misses them. The first few months here have been difficult in that my inlaws would never accept us coming over here, so every call to them (SKype - so you could hear the conversation) was very upsetting as he could hear them getting distressed. Things have got slightly better now but we're not fully there with the inlaws!

He always says he loves being over here and never says he wants to go back to Neath where we are originally from, although he still says he wants to play rugby for Wales..........

It is funny to hear his accent change slightly and he now says a lot of kiwi phrases such as 'cool as', 'sweet as' and 'awesome'.

I have no regrets in bringing him over here but dread that one day he may want to go back when he is older, just like a friend at work had recently experienced - but i guess you have to see it from their point of view too, but i will deal with that should it ever happen..........

Sharon
x

[LesleyS]

My 15 year old seems to be a 'closed book' at the mo when revealing to mum and dad how the move has affected her.
Silently I think she is totally distraught right now, as she is very quiet and withdrawn. When we asked what she'd like for Xmas she said "nothing".

I'm not sure she will ever forgive me for tearing her away from he friends and happy go lucky routine in familiar surroundings.
I know it's early days yet - but she keeps asking if her return ticket is still valid!

Mind you it doesn't help when she sees mum welling up with tears everytime an e mail arrives from the UK! Must pull myself together....for her sake and mine! :(

[Sam B]

Katiejay - my kids were the same - the older one coped much better than the 6 year old who like yours had loads of angry screaming fits, very out of character. After nearly a year, we are just about returning to normal with careful use of reward charts and reinstating routines.

Lesley - hang on in there, I'm sure you'll turn a corner soon.

[nippa&pippa]

http://www.emigratenz.org/forum/showthread.php?t=10298&highlight=back+england

Been there and done it...just hang there!
He now LOVE it here and tell me he DOESN'T want to go to back to England anymore!!!:clap

[katiejay]

[QUOTE=Sam B;169973]After nearly a year, we are just about returning to normal with careful use of reward charts and reinstating routines./QUOTE]

a YEAR???? OK, now I'm worried!

Oh Lesley - crikey teenagers are hard to communicate with at the best of times. I do feel for you. Time, as everyone says, is a great healer, and teenagers are very 'in the moment', I think, judging by my sister's children. They tend to react extremely to events, particularly if they affect them personally, and they hate not being in control of their own destiny. If only we could show them a picture of the better future we are certain we are building for them, and could make them understand that we do things because we want them to be happy, even if it takes a while to get to 'happy'. They always assume we just want to force them into unhappy situations for the sake of it.:no

[katiejay]

Hi Pippa - I've just read your link, and it's amazing how similar our experiences are!
For my wee ones, you are right - it's a question of patience, and the fervent hope that our container of old toys arrives soon! I'm glad we've timed the move around Christmas, though. At the moment, they are like poor little waifs - sleeping on a mattress on the floor (albeit with cool new duvet sets!) and with hardly any toys - small tupperware tubs of lego, which were light enough to fit in our luggage, and Age of Empires on my laptop! - but after next week, Santa will bring them new toys/games/DVD's to take their minds off all the serious life-changes they've had to go through this year.
On top of that, after Christmas we move into a 12-month rental (the owners have gone to live in Australia!!) so they'll have something like 'home' again (we sold our home that they'd lived in all their lives in January, rented my sister's house until September, stayed in a holiday home until November, lived in 3 motels for the first week and a half in NZ, and this short-term rental house for the last month).
Really I shouldn't be at all surprised that the little fella has turned into Attilla the Hun!
My brother in law was brought to the UK when he was 14, and had a really hard time, which he's never forgotten - it makes him sad remembering his experience even now. But he's truly happy with his life, and wouldn't change it for the world - married with 7 children, and completely glad that his parents made the move. If like me, then, you've sobbed your heart out at how much your babies are hurting, believe that one day, our children (be they little or big) will understand why we've done this momentous thing to them, and will know that they have gained from it.
:yes

[tigerlily]

I think the maxum is the younger the better for a move like this one. Teenagers are just forming their identity, and coming to a new place requires yet more challanges to your idenity. That being said, while I was in high school I really really wanted my parents to move somewhere cool and overseas, but maybe I'm just that sort of person!