[mswatkins]

Have just told my family of decision to get moving and most ok except for my mother, who has pretty much disowned me. She is struggling (understatement) with not seeing her grandaughters ever again (her words) and has decided to cut off all contact to ease the pain (????). Feeling really emotionally blackmailed (it was sorted of expected), pretty fed up:( and cross :mad:

I think she is trying to change my mind by making me feel guilty, even though still have immigration to get through. I am so sure this is right and going to happen;) please tell me it gets better - this is worse than I thought it would be.

[Mels]

Yes I'm afraid so.

My Mother used emotional blackmail, said that they would never live to see grandchildren again.....

We didn't take the job in the end, complicated reasons and probably just not enough courage on our part but I'm still cross with her response.

next time, and I hope we will have another chance, I will tell her once we've booked the flights!!!!!!!!!!!

[gil]

I think you've done the right thing by broaching the subject early enough to give your mum plenty of time to get used to this idea. My sister couldn't speak about it at first, she was so annoyed. And whilst that's not the same as parents, I know, the process is parallel. She got used to it eventually and is coming out to visit very soon.
If I recall right from previous threads on this subject, palying the "It's for the kids' futures" card seemed to have a reasonably good effect. Have you searched the forum for this yet? Sorry not to be able to say it'll be OK, but just keep acknowledging your own feelings and mum's, and keep the dialogue open. This is probably the toughest part,

Lots of love,

Gil
xx

[holland]

Hi,

Our families have been really good and supportive, but I think it is hitting home the closer it gets, I am so upset tonight as my mum has been crying and telling me how much she is going to miss us, and she doesn't know how she is going to cope. Its such a difficult time. My mum wants whats best for us, and wants us to do what we want to do, but this is the first time she has actually cried about it to me, Im sure she has been hiding it this last few months and crying to my step dad.

Hubby's mum is just avoiding talking about it!

Stay strong everyone xxxxxxx

J xx

[mgbridges]

Oh boy mswatkins do I know that feeling!

We told my in-laws pretty early on about our decision and they couldn't have been more supportive. However, we didn't tell my folks about our plans until we'd made the decision that OH should come out to NZ for a week for interviews. We promtly got accused of being secretive and only telling because we had to. We had in fact decided we wanted to tell so we could share the process with them even though it might have been easier to stay quiet. Even now after being here for close to 2 mths I still have mum in tears on the phone, I have to be sooooo careful about what I tell her. e.g. nothing about our son saying he misses people.

I really sympathise with you as the whole process is hard enough as it is without getting guilt piled onto you about making a decision for your family that is right for you. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to yell at my mum "if you can't saying something positive don't say anything at all" or "if you love somebody let them go" ! However I didn't as I knew it would only make the situation worse but I did rant and rave at my OH about it which helped me let of steam.

Anyway, just wanted to say several of us have been there and understand. Its not easy but focus on all the positive reasons for making the decision and you'll get through it.

Feel free to PM me if you need some moral support or somebody to let off steam at.

Anneliese

[mswatkins]

Thanks so much for all the support, really going to need it !!!! By the way what is PM and how do i do it????:exit

[gil]

Thanks so much for all the support, really going to need it !!!! By the way what is PM and how do i do it????:exit
Private message. Look at the top right hand corner of the page and under where it says "welcome" there's a link to private messages. I'll send you one so you can start....
x

[BaldyBeardyBloke]

We had it pretty easy family-wise as we had already made a relatively significant move away from them in the UK (although we had some of these issues at that point), so we all knew we could do it even if the physical distances were a lot further.

I think you have to remember that you're doing this for the long term benefit of yourself and your offspring. These are the people you live your life for.

If you make decisions based on what others outside this group of people (no matter how close) think or want then you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of regret. That can't be good.

Does that sound selfish? Probably, but decisions and moves of this type need to have a strong element of selfishness in my opinion.

Obviously I wouldn't explain it this way to friends and family, but I would remember the basic reasons for making this move in the first place. I would just concentrate on reiterating all the positive reasons for you making the move.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but if you lose focus on the reasons for making the move in the first place it will get harder to deal with IMHO.

[Chiba]

Approximately 30 years ago my parents were going to emigrate to NZ (I was a wee boy). They didn't go. I'm not going into the details, but there's a reason why I'm commenting on this thread, yes? When I decided to move to Japan about 10 years ago, I was of course a little nervous. My parents basically told me to stop being a wimp, get on the plane, and go and live my own life. I was single at the time. A while back, wife and two kids in tow, I was planning to leave Japan and move back to the UK. My folks told me that the UK wasn't the same place, and that I'd be better off in Canada/NZ/Oz. They basically told me to take their grandchildren and live our lives, not theirs. Respect is due - deep respect. I hope I can be as supportive of my own sons if they ever choose emigration, and that I can live up to my parent's example, because that, in my opinion, is what being a parent is all about.

[Sam B]

I had the big fall-out when I told my Dad I was moving to Cornwall from Nottingham 7 years ago - massive argument, didn't talk to me for 8 weeks, it was hell, but he came round eventually. I was slightly sneaky with the NZ thing and said we were just going for a year to try it out, and then it gradually dawned on everyone that we probably wouldn't come back. We confirmed this once we got here, and then sold the house, shipped stuff etc. It was a long-winded way to do it, but it avoided too much fall-out in the planning stages.

There's still plenty of guilt to be had on family phone calls though. E.g. my aunt 2 nights ago - "Your father's wept tears for those girls you know" (referring to the grand-daughters that he'll 'never see again'.)

[dragonfly]

just thought i'd let you know that you are not the only one! my MIL threw total wobbler when we said we were thinking of moving - despite fact that she lived abroad for years & her kids had to board in UK! we still haven't told her our EOI selected.... my parents on other hand have said 'go for it' as we were going to emigrate to oz when i was a kid, didn't, and they still think 'what if we'd gone?' . rough times ahead for all of us - but hey, nothing ventured nothing gained , so GOOD LUCK! & you are not alone

Sue

[Silverwing86]

Approximately 30 years ago my parents were going to emigrate to NZ (I was a wee boy). They didn't go. I'm not going into the details, but there's a reason why I'm commenting on this thread, yes? When I decided to move to Japan about 10 years ago, I was of course a little nervous. My parents basically told me to stop being a wimp, get on the plane, and go and live my own life. I was single at the time. A while back, wife and two kids in tow, I was planning to leave Japan and move back to the UK. My folks told me that the UK wasn't the same place, and that I'd be better off in Canada/NZ/Oz. They basically told me to take their grandchildren and live our lives, not theirs. Respect is due - deep respect. I hope I can be as supportive of my own sons if they ever choose emigration, and that I can live up to my parent's example, because that, in my opinion, is what being a parent is all about.

Having had our own major problems with, and emotional blackmail of the worst kind from, MIL, your post filled my heart with warmth and gave me goosebumps. I cannot express in words how much I agree with your last sentence ! For this very reason I have the same immense and deep respect for my mother !

Silver

[LesleyS]

Have just told my family of decision to get moving and most ok except for my mother, who has pretty much disowned me. She is struggling (understatement) with not seeing her grandaughters ever again (her words) and has decided to cut off all contact to ease the pain (????). Feeling really emotionally blackmailed (it was sorted of expected), pretty fed up:( and cross :mad:

I think she is trying to change my mind by making me feel guilty, even though still have immigration to get through. I am so sure this is right and going to happen;) please tell me it gets better - this is worse than I thought it would be.

Sorry to hear this, but 'Done that, been there, and still wearing the T shirt' - not a nice feeling...... :(

We're leaving the UK in 11 days time xx

[kzn2nz]

It was hard for us as well, and my inlaws were really awful for about 6 months. They also told everyone they met about our plans, despite us asking them three times not to!

My parents were much more stoci and accepted our decision. They have decided to have the best time they possibly can, especially with our kids, before we leave. They also immediately started saving money to come and visit us once we get to NZ! I absolutely admire their attitude.

[Lara Croft]

We have been talking about migrating to NZ for oh, donkey's years... without ever doing anything about it, but now we're knee deep in the ITA paperwork, asking for testimonials. photos and such like, our friends are acting all surprised. Some are being really supportive, which is good.

One of the reasons we delayed so long, is that we couldn't bear to leave our aging parents. They are all gone now, so it is just us - if we don't go now, we never will!

Hubby is an only child, his remaining relatives are not close and we rarely see them. I have a sister & brother, but see little of them, so thankfully we don't have much family pressure to worry about.

Jane

[Familyofmonkeys]

When we first told my dad, he immediately said 'don't go there, all the houses are made of wood and get termite problems'. He never said 'don't go' but kept coming up with little negative points about NZ e.g. stronger UV etc. Then one of his friends who had spent 6 months on job swop here put his straight on alot of these misconceptions, and he finally agreed we were doing best thing for our family.
My mum on other hand was really supportive, but had grown up abroad only to return to UK as teenager. She says she copes by visiting asap to see us in our new environment.
In-laws would never dare say don't go, and have also been very supportive, even though they are in poor health and will never be able to visit us here.

[Alison&Stephen]

Hi there.

We have already made a couple of moves away from family - from West to North Yorkshire and then up to Scotland. We got loads of negatives from close family just moving counties....coming to Scotland was easier.

When NZ became a real possibility, we told our parents as soon as OH had job offer. Very shocked and not many words spoken (it was harder as we spoke over the phone as a trip down to Yorkshire was impossible), but as time has gone on and more of our wider family know of our plans, the messages we are receiving are more positive and encouraging ie, do it while you're young enough. If we are finally successful in being granted PR, the hardest thing (emotionally) is going to be the Yorkshire trip, en-route to Heathrow - one uncle actually phoned me in the early stages to say "I thought I'd better ring you as I won't see you again"........

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

Best wishes.

Alison X

[Debbie]

I'm not going to go into the details of how my mum reacted when we told her we were going as I covered that part of my life 18mths ago, but needless to say it was Very Bad.
But that was 18 months ago, we have lived here a yr now and things have moved so far forward that it's almost unbelievable. The trouble we had initially was because of the conflict caused by their love for us and their worry about our ability to settle and make a good life here. They still miss us and we miss them, Skype is good but not the same, but now we have been here a yr. That time has allowed everyone time to settle and be happy that it was a good move for us. My mum is coming over for Xmas and talking about us sponsoring them as soon as possible.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is give it time; don't expect it to come right before you move because you may have to come here without their approval and prove you can make it work first. Remember you've been thinking about this for some time so you have a head start on your family. It will probably take them as long to get used to the idea. For me it worked out best not telling family to soon, I needed time to be sure this was something I was going to do with or with out their blessing. If my experience is anything to go on, a lot of hurt can and will be caused on both side whilst everyone is getting used to the idea, if you can make an effort not to hold onto that and let things said and feeling hurt go then I'm sure it will come right in time.
Debbie

[mswatkins]

Thanks all so much for the support and stories of how it was for you. It has helped so much in the last few days to know that it wasn't just me:wah . Things have shifted slightly in that mum has come round a bit (i.e she is talking to me a bit) but my sister has been just the most amazing person, she has been so supportive (I hadn't expected it from her as much) so even if this all falls apart at the seams (the move I mean) I have become so much closer to my sister - it has all been worth it :nice1