[leachio]

Hi all,

It's been 6mths in NZ now and things haven't improved since my 3mth post :uhoh How I wish it wasn't so!

So what's happened since the 3mth post????????.................. not a great deal I don't think. Dan still policing and Im still nursing, Ive made a few trips to my GP and tried various med's to alleviate my symptoms and control my 'mental epsiodes' as I call them. But the truth is everyday feels a bit like groundhog day and as each day ends I generally am or have been in tears and I physically ache to hold my family back home again.

Yes we have been doin things, going places, I have lots of friends both Uk and Kiwi, our rental is quite homeley, the back yard is a toddlers paradise and practically speaking all is acceptable. Emotionally however the strain is more and more evident, I pride myself on our strong marraige and couldnt imagine my life without Dan in it. But as supportive as he has been he is now feeling the strain of not knowing each day what my mental state will be and the poor guy must ring or tx half a dozen times a shift when he's at work. Our 3yr old even asks why mummy is cryin again now and puts his arms round me and says 'it will be ok mummy'!

I have never intentionally been a judgemental person but never again would I assume anythin about someone. You have got to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to even begin to understand, beleive me spending the best part of 6mths in tears is literally exhausting :wah So as I feel the forum sigh what are we gonna do? Go home is the quick answer, and as each day passess I can't wait. NZ just isn't enough for me or us as a family unit. At the mo Im just tryin to keep it together till Dans folks come at xmas for 6wks then we will be lookin at dates, although xmas isnt long some days literally feel like forever. We have both been in touch with our old employers and are just awaitin confirmations but fortunatley it looks promising.

I do hope if you are reading this before you depart the UK or wherever home is that I don't put you off, but you will know once you get here if you are gonna love it or hate it. Perhaps you will be one who can make do here for a while then move on but one things for sure you won't know till you try. I just know that I need to rescue me before I get lost in a psychiatric nightmare. May I take the opportunity to thank those on the forum who have been in touch and offer advice and support, u know who you are.

Regards Amanda

[peebles16]

Oh Amanda, thank you for just such an honest and brave posting. It's incredible that you feel able to share this with folks and I for one really appreciate your honesty and openess. I am in the UK and you haven't put me off and think it's very helpful to hear everyone's experiences not just the rose tinted ones. I hope you find all the support and help you need to get back on track whatever you do.
Take care
Karen x

[Mickstim]

Amanda - I really feel for you and know how hard it must be for you to make a decision. Thank you for such a brave and honest post.

Barbx

[Belmont Babes]

Amanda, really feeling for you and your family. It hasn't put me off either, but I do really wonder how I will cope without my Mum. We are really close and speak daily. I just feel that I have to try. I am sending loads of good wishes to you. Please feel free to rant on here. I for one really don't mind. E Hugs to you. X

[red]

Amanda
I'm so sorry you're finding it so hard. I'm sure once you're back in the UK things will improve with the support of family and at least you'll never say 'what if'. You're so brave and I really admire your honesty, I'm sure you've helped so many people who are going through a similar thing. Even in the future someone can read your posts and know that they are not alone.

Keep your chin up things will get better, when my parents died I thought life would never be happy again and I know it is so easy to go to those dark places. It will get better, it just takes time and to accept that it is OK to feel the way you do.

Good luck

[Mels]

Hi Amanda,

sending loads of 'hugs'.

Helen

[holland]

Amanda

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

J xx

[Carey]

Gosh, you are one brave soul to openly write it how it is for you. I have found in the past, it does help to write it down, to say what you feel right now. Hope it has helped you a tiny bit. At least you know what you need to do and I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

Very, very best of luck to you and your family. And you'll never be in the "what if " brigade.

[pinkpiggy]

You've been through such a lot in the 6 months you have been here. I know just how hard you've tried to make things work and I admire you hugely for battling on, and that's exactly what it is for you and Dan, a battle. Hopefully your battle scars will make you both stronger people. Sam and I are here for you as always. You know where we are. Take care and we'll see you soon.
LOTS OF HUGS COMING YOUR WAY

[Kim39]

Hey Amanda, we also know just how hard things have been for you and just like Paula has said you need those ears to listen, then we are only a 20 min drive away.


Kim

[M&J]

Hi Amanda

I can't believe how you have manged to cope over the last few months. I only live in Cambridge if you ever fancy some company and coffee.

Take care

Jo

[wilson182]

Hi Amanda
Just want to add my best wishes to those above. I hope that writing down your feelings is helping you to make sense of them. Your posts are heartbreaking honest and balanced. I guess that homesickness is one of the factors that you just can't allow for, its impossible to know how it will effect you until you are here.

I just want to say, you and your family have done something that some other people wouldn't have the courage to do. You went after your dream and tried to make it work, and you will be able to do the same again (allbeit a different dream). You should all be proud of yourselves for that. Maybe, just like Hollands thread of positive steps to NZ, you could start your own list of positive steps you are making to return home.

I wish you all well, take care

The Wilsons

[Mels]

I just want to say, you and your family have done something that some other people wouldn't have the courage to do. You went after your dream and tried to make it work, and you will be able to do the same again (allbeit a different dream). You should all be proud of yourselves for that. I wish you all well, take care

The Wilsons[/QUOTE]


I couldn't agree more, don't ever put yourself down, you are very brave and don't forget to reward yourself and stand tall for that.
:clap :clap and more hugs

[Mels]

sorry the quotey bit didn't come out clearly. I was trying to quote the
Wilson182 post and then agree.
I'll work out how to do it one day!!!!!!!!!

[jubjub]

amanda, I do feel for you, you have had a rough time since you got here, and I hope the time to Xmas passes quickly for you, you can have a lovely time with your visiting family, then sort out a return for yourselves.

Hugs

PS, hows Dans arm now?

[zardell]

You know where we are - always ready to listen.

Loads of love and big hugs,

Julie

xx

[jackie m]

Bless you Amanda, New Zealand isn't for everyone. Like others have said I have read some of your posts & so really feel for you. I just wish you & your family all the best. You tried so at least you know.
A big hug aswell.
Jackie x

[leachio]

Thanx guys, its really daunting puttin on one of these posts cos it's just not what folk wanna hear. U r all right in saying at least we tried it and we can tell our great grandkids all the good things and share the photos!

Sal, Dans arm on the mend certainley looks better than it did :eek: and im glad u noticed that we have had one minor mishap after another since arrival, least its not just me thinkin it :laugh

Sharin in here really does help and when u get overwhelming responses like mine its worth pourin ur heart out.

:cheers :cheers to the ENZ possee!!!

[Tia Maria]

I read your post last night and found it heartbreaking and I've been thinking about it ever since!

My kids go through a tough time when I'm pregnant, they see lots of crying, hear me being sick and I'm unavailable for carrying and cuddles etc. The worst moment was when I was throwing up in the toilet and I could hear my son outside the door crying "What's wrong Mummy?" :( I then not only felt bad, but had the guilt that I was scarring my child for life.

Here are a few things that were said to me, if any can help you then great!

1) Give your child words to express their feelings. I'd say "Mummy's being sick and although it sounds awful it doesn't hurt"
2) Give them a way to help, but not feel responsible for your wellbeing. I'd say "Oh dear Mummy is crying again it really cheers me up to cuddle you though, oh and I think a chocolate biscuit would be just the thing!" (It wasn't as it made me feel sick but boy did his face light up at the idea of a chocolate biscuit)
3) If neccessary remove yourself - "Mummy's off to do the ironing while you do some drawing", go off and have a big cry, then come back again.
4) It is through difficult times that children learn empathy - its true! It was great when I was feeling low to have my 3 year old say "What you need Mummy is to sit in the garden and have a chocolate biscuit" whereas before it was always I want this, I want that! :)
5) Young children forget! Despite the fact I was convinced that I had damaged them forever, a year on neither of them remember a thing!
6) To be a Mum is to feel guilty, you feel guilty if you eat the wrong things when they are pregnant, you feel guilty if you can't breastfeed, you feel guilty when they learn you are human etc etc. This doesn't help as such, but I just think is very true.

I also worried about the strain I put on my OH. How about a 'Dan day' (or morning if a day is too long) every fortnight? He gets to choose what he want to do whether it be a lie in, followed by the house to himself so he can sit in his underpants drinking beer and watching football, or a BBQ on the beach with his family where you cook. Its a great to give him some rest, but also great for you to know you can show how appreciative you are of all his support.

Lastly, start to try to rejuvinate yourself so that you are on the way to feeling better before you get back to the UK. This will make seeing your family all the better. Just little things like sitting out in the sunshine reading the paper, long, luxurious bubblebath, get your favourite take-away and have it by candlelight, watch something funny (Flight of the Conchords is great!), or maybe go for a walk with all your favourite songs on the MP3 player. They are small things that just give you a chance to have a break from feeling crap all the time.

Also find a non stressful topic to talk about or occupy your mind so you don't keep going over the same negative thoughts. Maybe its Rugby, maybe its a soap opera, maybe its imagining you are a superhero who saves famous and handsome film stars - whatever it takes to give your mind a break from the "What ifs" and "How can I's? and general "OMGs".

I know you are a nurse and are probably more than aware of the side effects of mood drugs, but if it the first time you have taken them it can be difficult to distinguish them from your general depression. Just keep in mind they can make you feel very tired and very disinterested in life. This is far superior than the rollercoaster of emotions you have been going through but it is still another thing you wil have to find a way to cope with.

Look after yourself, treat yourself and your family on a regular basis. Being 100% better will take time but in the meantime you will find a way to cope!

Cheers

Tia

[veronica]

Tia that is one good post. I have been on both sides of the fence that Amanda is struggling with and the more you can find things to be positive with the better, just being a mum is hard enough, without working and being on the opposite side of the world. Self indulgence is allowed so stop and make sure that you find time for it.

[thezorbster]

Amanda, you're so brave posting your feelings like you have. You have been open and honest from the start and I really feel for you. You have done what many others haven't though, at least you have tried, so whatever happens you will never have that 'what if' niggling at you in years to come. There are lots of us on here sending huge hugs and positive thoughts in your direction and I really hope you all manage to have some fun and see some fantastic things during your remaining time here. Best wishes.

[Sam B]

I think posts like this are really helpful, and one of the best things about this forum is the range of posts from one end of the spectrum to the other. Emigrating is the most mind-blowing thing I've ever done, and no-one can predict before they do it how they are going to cope with it. Posts like this help people who are also struggling to know that they are not alone.

I spent the first few months here feeling incredibly numb, and I didn't have to cope with half the things you have had thrown at you (Dan being away, very small children, illnesses). I only recently felt like I was coming out of the numb period and starting to feel normal again. I have little family left behind that I really miss, whereas I know you have left an important support network behind.

I think the return to the UK will bring you instant relief from these feelings. I hope you manage to get by until then. We are here anytime you want a diversion. We'd love to see you again.

Thanks for your honest and helpful post.

[Lupin]

I feel for you Amanda :(

Can I ask why you're not just booking your flights and shippers now though because you may find you enjoy the spring and summer in NZ much more if you know your ticket home is all organised. Good luck :)

[leachio]

Wow Tia, how deep was that post?????? Very heartwarming tho so thanx!

Lupin, why havent we booked shippers and flights? I ask myself every day! Dan is great but when Im havin a meltdown he gets his 'panicy, lets fix it NOW' male head on so he says 'right we are ringin the shippers tmrw' but it hasn't happened as yet. I think the main reason is prob cos his parents are comin for 6wks at xmas and they leave 4th feb, so we may leave then but if we hang on till mid may we are then eligible to apply for IRRV from the UK in March09. So Dan kinda looks at it like if I can survive till feb when his mum's been then could I stay till may/june. I can see the sense in it and although I have no intention of returnin to NZ at the moment the IRRV's would almost be something worth having since we have sold everythin to come here (hope that makes sense). I do think tho that I will get a few quotes from shippers just to get an idea, although I think approx $10k is about the goin rate.

Now somethin that has just happened today is that I am actually flyin home on 14th oct for 10days to attend my best girlfriends wedding, somethin I mentioned on my 3mth post and couldnt justify the cost. But I was distraught last wk when I bought her weddin pressie and it hit home that I could have been bridesmaid for my best mate of 30yrs! Dan ended up sayin for 2 days that I was just to go and he'd stay with the kids, so sod it Ive just pd $2,500 for return flights. Im gonna have a big family fix and hug the life out of my daughter, not too sure I'l wnna get back on plane but my babies here will be here waitin. I hope it helps me decide whether I am expectedly homesick or if I really miss our old life the way I think I do now.

I will of course post on return!!!

[Sam B]

Can't wait to hear how you get on. Hope it helps to go back for a bit.

[zardell]

Oh Amanda - how exciting for you.

I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time and I look forward to hearing all about it when you get back to NZ.

Lets hope it puts things into perspective for you - I'm sure it will.

Julie

xx

[jubjub]

I think that is a very good idea, you get to go to a lovely day that you want to be part of, and get to see your family and friends, have a look with fresh eyes on the UK, and then also get to look at NZ in comparison when you get back.

Have a good time!

[pinkpiggy]

Now somethin that has just happened today is that I am actually flyin home on 14th oct for 10days to attend my best girlfriends wedding, ...

..... Im gonna have a big family fix and hug the life out of my daughter, not too sure I'l wnna get back on plane but my babies here will be here waitin. I hope it helps me decide whether I am expectedly homesick or if I really miss our old life the way I think I do now.

I will of course post on return!!!

Wow, that's not far away. I'll see you before then but have a fantastic time. Not only will you have your babies to come home to (all 3 of them) ;) but you've also got Justin Timberlake to look forward to! :p

[Lupin]

That's great :) Hopefully that'll make the time between now and when you leave for the wedding much pleasanter!

If you feel like this then the likelihood of you ever using the IRRV* is so unlikely I'd book and be done with it :)

*also, do you have to be intending to remain in NZ to get them?

[marcia]

Soooo sorry to read your post. In a way I can empathise with the 'every days a bad day' feeling, I had had PND which wasn't diagnosed for 2 years and it was awful, you feel like you're at the bottom of a hole with people continually throwing more rubbish at you, every time you climb up a bit someone knocks you back down. Its very hard to move on from there, and it no good people saying get a grip sort yourself out, you just can't.

Anyway i hope that the wedding trip back to the Uk, helps you make the decison thats right for you and your family, be it moving back or staying here.

In the meantime, its something positive for you to look to when you are having a bad day.

Another suggestion to help you pass the time, and a positive thing which is all about 'family' - is start researching your family tree, you can do a lot of it online even getting documents if you want, and it will be something to then show your family at a later date.

Anyway big hugs to you!

xx

[jubjub]

When I went for IRRV, they just checked how long we had been here, checked our form over, and never asked any questions about our intent to stay or future plans, we met the criteria at the time of application, that was enough for them

[Bruckner]

Amanda I just wanted to thank you for your honest post and send big cyber hugs your way. Have a wonderful trip back home and when you're on the flight back to NZ just remind yourself that the next time you're on a long haul flight it'll be back home to the UK for good.

Emily