[Sam B]

When I left the UK 9 months ago, I may have been a bit emotional, but the thing I thought was really quite sorted was not feeling responsible for family members. I have a small family - I was brought up by my Dad and there was no-one else I really feel any responsibility for (who wasn't getting on the plane with me). My Dad was in good health and seemed happily married to a much younger woman (I won't tell you how much younger because you'd probably faint!). He had a toddler and a baby on the way. I hadn't even spent Christmas with him for 4 years because his new wife didn't like me (the feeling was mutual). So, discharged of all responsibility, I hopped on the plane to start my new life.

NOW, he has suspected prostate cancer, his heart rate is too fast, he says he's lost 1 and a 1/2 stone and has a persistent cough, sometimes with blood. He has smoked on and off through his life. He has just announced his wife is leaving him and taking the 2 kids and is obviously in the process of draining him dry financially.

I would never have left England in these circumstances, but now I am here, it is hard to envisage going back. We are all so happy and settled, the kids especially. I can't really even get time off work until the end of term 4. And he's still quite well but for how long? And is he telling me everything? Argghh. Anyone else left parents behind who were well, but then weren't? Advice please ....

[zardell]

Yes, we did.

Will PM you.

Julie

xx

[CjChris]

Sending you a superduper cyber hug. I'm so sorry for this stressful and painful situation in your life. I'll PM you.

Christine

[KerryS]

Big hugs for you Sam. I know how stressful it is having an ill parent when you're so far away.

[leachio]

Ahh Sam, tell him to move to york and I can nurse him for u!!

Ur in my thoughts hun, xx

[Marie P]

Sam ..........what an awful thing to happen .

Dont know what to say that could help you .

Big Cyber Hug is all I can send.

Marie x

[M&J]

Wow Sam, a big dilemma!!!

I don't really know what to say but if there is anything I can do this end if you do end up going back just let me know.

I'm sure you will make the right decision.

Take care

Jo

[Smiler]

Sam

Things sound really difficult for you right now, so a BIG hug from me too. :yes

[holland]

Sending e-hugs Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[willsken]

Sam, I'm so sorry this has happened.:no It's the thing I really dread happening. Thinking of you...

[wcape]

I'm so sorry to hear that! i've got no advice, only sympathy, i think it must be a terrible strain on you...

[thezorbster]

Oh Sam, so, so sorry to hear. No advice at all I'm afraid but it's the situation we all dread and all I can send are my thoughts and best wishes.
xx

[Helsandfamily]

Hi Sam,

What a horrible time for you (And him!) - Is there any chance that he could visit you in NZ? It would give him some time away from everything or is it just unrealistic?

Big hugs from us any way

Hels
x

[gil]

Lots and lots of love to you Sam,

Gil
xx

[victoria]

Thoughts are with you Sam
xx

[Familyofmonkeys]

Sorry to hear of your turmoil....probably not what you want to hear, but just a though:
Pretty much any of us who have left parents behind in other countries and plan never to return, will at some point in the future be faced with situation of declining health of parents. I think whilst you need to do everything you can to help your family, you still have a responsibility to yourself and especially your children to live your own lives. Everyone else needs to be a 'best fit' within your life, not change it.
I hope you can figure this one out, without too much anxiety and heartache. We are also in a similar situation with OH parents.

[Sam B]

Thanks for all your lovely thoughts. It may turn out to be a minor health setback and I'm worrying unnecessarily (she thinks hopefully). He is planning to visit next Easter, so hopefully that will all go ahead. However, nothing changes the fact that he is now alone, and I actually wouldn't have emigrated if my Dad was on his own. Grrr hate horrid wife.

[Debbie P.]

So sorry to hear your news - thinking of you at this difficult time. Only thing I would say is DON'T feel guilty about moving - you weren't to know this would happen. As far as you knew, he was happy, in good health and had got on with his life.

Would he want you to turn your life upside down because his circumstances have changed? It may be that it would make him feel worse if he thought he had ruined your move - maybe knowing that you are settling into a happy new life is one of the things that's keeping him going? I don't know the circumstances, but it's just a thought...

[red]

I'm so sorry Sam to hear of your sad news. There isn't a right or wrong decision but having been in a similar position I would recommend talking to your father. My Mum was in frail health when we first starting thinking of emigrating and she wanted me to go, because she wanted me to be happy and to give my kids a better life. Your father may very well feel the same. If your daughter was in your position what would you want her to do? Get all the facts before you make any decisions, things may very well work themselves out.
I really do sympathise, take care.

Helen.x

[Moorf]

I definitely echo what others have said about talking to your father before making any decisions. OH's father and grandmother had terrible trouble with health and age-related problems about a year ago and the initial thought was guilt for not being there for them (and, perhaps worse, leaving my SIL to deal with it all).

However, when we spoke to them we were told on no account were we to rush back or uplift our life. They'd have been most upset if we had and they told us in no uncertain terms. In fact, it transpired they themselves felt guilty for having caused us worry :confused: strange I know - so definitely chat first, act later.

Huge cyber hugs,
Moorf
xx

[katandbob]

big hugs from me too,

We had a call from the UK last month regarding FIL health, it does make you feel totally confused to what you should do, but we were lucky that it was just a cyst.

take care

Kat

[Carey]

Echoing what others have said; you didn't know this would happen but now it has you have to find the best way to deal with it. Someone on here once wisely said " deal with it so you can live with your decisions in the years to come".

Sending sympathetic thoughts to you SamB; it's a tough one.

[Sam B]

Thanks everyone. You are very thoughtful. My Dad is a complex old b****er, not at all averse to laying on the odd guilt trip, and very difficult to talk to on the phone. It's even more difficult to get an accurate picture of what is going on with his health or his marraige. I think I might send another family member round for a more objective viewpoint and then play it by ear, possibly a trip home before Christmas if his health doesn't improve .... and then, who knows?

[victoria]

Sam
It's just an observation but all was well before you left. You say you're happy & settled uhmmm .... does it mean you will rush back to the UK everytime something crops up? Sorry but we are talking about consenting adults right?

[Debbie P.]

Sam
It's just an observation but all was well before you left. You say you're happy & settled uhmmm .... does it mean you will rush back to the UK everytime something crops up? Sorry but we are talking about consenting adults right?

TBH, I was thinking along the same lines! Sorry, I know that sounds really uncaring, and with a terminally ill mother, I know how emotionally tough it can be... but one thing struck me about your original message. You say that you didn't spend much time with your dad before you left, because you didn't get on with his wife. Did your dad actually do very much to sort that situation out? Did he show any particular loyalty to you at that time? TBH, it sounds like he got on with his life without giving your feelings much thought (although I'm sure you were happy for him to be settled with another family).

Having said that, you sound as if you're under no illusions, mentioning his tendency to lay on the guilt trip, so I'm sure you're not going to uproot your family unnecessarily. Good luck with whatever happens.

[JoanneG]

This is such a tough position to be in - exactly what so many of us dread about our emigrating but I've followed your posts for over a year now - you are happy in NZ. Don't even think of coming back on a permanent basis or you will end up resenting your Dad.

My mum had a terrible road accident just after my second child was born and I was unable to go to her. It was awful but my step-sister-in-law kept me up to date and I visited as soon as I could.

If you only had yourself to consider, of course you would go to him but you have a family too and I am sure he will understand that you will do as much as you can for him.

It is difficult but whatever happens you will get through this.

Hang in there and see what happens.

[veronica]

your dad has chosen his life and you have the right to chose yours, If things are as dire as your dad is suggesting then go back and see him at some stage but right now your prime responsibility is your own family. When I was a child I lived in Australia and one of my grandparents was ill and as a result we went back to the UK to live, the long term result was that mum and dad couldn't afford to go back to Australia and have ended up in the UK for the rest of their lives, my nan only lived a few months after we got back, but they had the best part of their life in front of them.

[Sam B]

Thanks for all your advice, it is really helpful to have objective opinions. I am under no illusions about my Dad - he has made some crazy decisions in the last 10 years, and there's no doubt that I have been hurt in recent years by feeling sidelined by his new family (although somewhat relieved to be off the hook too!) However, there are no sisters in law, no other caring family members who I can rely on, so he is now effectively alone. I have thought about it over the past few days and I am definitely not dragging us all back to the UK, but I may well have to make a few trips and also live with a lot of guilt. It's rubbish being a grown-up sometimes, isn't it?

[Hibiscus]

This obviously depends on the medical situation and travel insurance, but, why not throw the decision and onus back onto him and offer to fund him coming over to NZ once to visit you and your family rather than you going over there twice? I know it is a long way but surely he should be pleased to see you and your family happy in your new life. There are a number of things you can do to make the trip easier from checking what seat is assigned to paying the extra for economy plus (still less than 2 round trips for you). I've also found that when worrying about my parents travelling calling the airline in fussing daughter mode can help.

[andreamatt]

Hi Sam

"It's rubbish being a grown-up sometimes, isn't it?"

Yes it absolutely is. Please don't beat yourself up too much. Have a good weekend with your lovely-sounding daughters and maybe you'll have a clearer picture of the way ahead come next week. (Could your father bring his planned trip here forward?)

Best wishes,

Andrea

[Lupin]

Missed this post Sam and went hunting for it after reading your land-buying news. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you x