[Croft]

Following on from the childrens thread (http://www.emigratenz.org/forum/showthread.php?t=16075), I've seen a lot of discussion regarding difficulties in telling parents. I've now watched several episodes of "Wanted Down Under" on the BBC, both the NZ and Oz episodes. One thing they do is have videos played to them of messages from family in the UK, to give them an idea of how it will feel to leave them behind. One thing I've noted consistently is that the majority of parents almost seem to play the emotional blackmail card to stop them emigrating - it's horrifying to watch and so transparent.

I don't think we'll have the same problem with either of our parents - the wifes emigrated to Spain, and my parents have lived and worked abroad since 1970. Have others on the forum been decided not to emigrate because of pressure from their parents? I suspect they have, and I wonder if the parents are being selfish?

[nickydwuk]

We always fast forward through those bits. We have had first hand experience of the emotional blackmail - but it has been said to our children out of our ear shot. The kids have got quite upset but they say they still want to go. It is selfish & childish to ouse our children this way but as they are my in-laws I don't feel able to say too much at the moment as they are stillupset that we are going. I don't want to fall out with them but I may have to be cruel to be kind. OH feels the same - we have been treading on eggshells with them cos we don't want to rub their noses in it but they may force our hand. Why is life never easy??

[Red Devil]

My wife's parents have been fine about matters... "you get on your way and enjoy yourselves, this country has gone to the dogs"... whereas my parents have used the emotional blackmail card of "when will we see our grandson".

Having said that, my parents are slowly warming to the idea but would much rather have us move back to France rather than New Zealand... for obvious reasons why.

At the end of the day you have to go where your instinct tells you and not let your heart and emotions dictate... although at times it's not easy!!!

[JandM]

We always fast forward through those bits. Us, too.

Unfortunately, we've made the decision to go at the time when our mothers are both very old (88 and 91), and we don't feel that we CAN leave them. Mine, though the younger, is more frail, and depends on me for some practical care as well as emotional support. There isn't anybody else. There's no question of emotional blackmail: it's our consciences. If this had all come up even ten years ago, I'm pretty sure she would've been up for going, too - but that's an 'if only'.

Looking at the situation from the other side, we were left behind when our son and his wife decided to go and live in NZ. I can't tell you how much at the time I wished it wasn't happening, but nevertheless, I knew darn well it was THEIR business, THEIR decision. We got into the instant messaging, and then graduated to webcams, and THAT's the good answer to, 'When am I going to see my grandchildren?' You miss out on the cuddles, but you can see and talk to them - it's fantastic. When we got to AKL last August, to have a 3 1/2-year-old and an 18-month-old calling us Granny and Grandad straight away and holding out their arms to us just showed that even very small children CAN make the connection between the pictures on the screen and real live people. They bring things to the computer to show us - new clothes, drawings, whatever - and they'll have a real conversation, despite the few seconds' satellite delay.

[Croft]

We got into the instant messaging, and then graduated to webcams, and THAT's the good answer to, 'When am I going to see my grandchildren?' You miss out on the cuddles, but you can see and talk to them - it's fantastic. When we got to AKL last August, to have a 3 1/2-year-old and an 18-month-old calling us Granny and Grandad straight away and holding out their arms to us just showed that even very small children CAN make the connection between the pictures on the screen and real live people. They bring things to the computer to show us - new clothes, drawings, whatever - and they'll have a real conversation, despite the few seconds' satellite delay.

Exactly - it's never been so easy or cheap to fly to NZ and the internet has enable instantaneous, low cost contact between families a world away from each other.

[Brian]

My mom has made her disapproval clear. She seems to believe that I'm doing this to be further away from her. She can't handle long flights, so she won't be able to visit me there.

My dad is excited because it will give him an excuse to go to New Zealand!

[wilson182]

When we first discussed moving to NZ in 2000 - we were open and honest about it. My mum refused to speak to me and MIL went into a depression. As it turned out, we couldn't make the move at that time - so it all just went away.

A couple of years later, when we re-looked at moving, it happened that if OH got a job we would be able to do it. So we came over for a month "holiday", and thats exactly what we told people - we were coming on holiday to get it out of our system (we obviously were not completly sure at that time whether it would work out or not).

Well, it did work out - OH got a job and we got a work permit and eventually PR.

Both mums are fine with it. I think they accepted that it was something we had to do. In fact, my mum and dad are visiting for a month in March - something my mum told me she would never have the money to do if we moved (along with - "the next time I see my grandaughter she will be getting married" and other such pearls of wisdom). My mum will even joke about it now - about the fact that we couldn't have moved further away if we tried. She can see that we are happy with our life here, and I think that makes it bearable for her.

I think we have been lucky though, I have an english friend who is unable to talk to her mum about her life here because her mum still can't come to terms with the fact that they have moved.

To get back to the original point - our way of thinking was - Our parents have lived their lives and now it is time for us to live ours in the way we think is best. If my mums attitude had not changed it would have been unbearably hard, but I don't think it would have prevented us from moving.

[PeteS]

The attitude of our parents was "we'll miss you, but go".

The general feeling was that you shouldn't get to the end of your life and wonder "what if....?", it's too late by that stage, you should do it now, so here we are. And they've all found out about E Mail, Skype, and cheap rate phone calls to the UK.

And some of them followed us out here.........

[Nick88]

It took me years to bring my wife round to the idea, and convince her that emigrating was a good idea. It turned out to be my Mum that put the phone in her hand and told her to call the embassy for the forms.

MIL was a whole different kettle of fish. She got really nasty about it, and even threatened self-harm if we left. Fortunately by this time my wife was mostly immune to her blackmail, it upset her but we left regardless. It seems MIL didn't get any sympathy from her circle of friends (many of them were positive about us moving) and her objections fizzled out.

My Mum's motto is 'This is not a rehearsal'.

[LesleyS]

My own parents passed away a few year ago, but my OH's mum and dad more or less decided to wash their hands of us when we told them our plans to live in NZ.......Been here 5 months and despite our best efforts at reconcilliation, they have steadfastedly refused to make any kind of contact!!!! :mad:
Not bothered for me.....but our 15 year old daughter now has no Grandparents to call her own .....very sad indeed :(

[shakyle2906]

We had the emotional blackmail bigtime too, and on top of this, my dad in law was back and forth hospital for the last few weeks, which was added pressure.

We only really had 6wks when we told them and they went berserk! Told us it was the biggest mistake of our lives, told me this on my own - why didnt i leave hubby go alone! - you name it, we had it.

The day after we told them, they packed everything up of our sons and had it on doorstep when we went to pick him up (they used to have him daily for us to work). It was awful!

They asked no questions, shot us down when people asked us questions about what/where we would be going, it was a very emotional time already without this!

The night before we flew, we left our house to stay at a Motel, they didnt even ask us to stay the last night. We said our goodbyes at the Hospital, as dad in law was back in, I had mum in law ignoring me and caused a scene at the Hospital. Even at the airport she was screaming abuse about me to my hubby on the phone, it was so upsetting.

It took time, we kept in contact by phone, but always ended in tears or they cried through each call. They always asked us when we were coming back, never wanted to know our news. Refused to learn the computer we left them.

Then after 9mths at christmas, they finally got the computer sorted and we were able to see each other on skype/webcam.

Things have calmed down slightly, they ask questions now. Even through the difficult times, i kept sending pics home of us doing things, keeping them uptodate, purely to show we wouldnt let our son forget them.

Things are getting slightly better now. They have talked about perhaps cming out one day, which is something they would never have dared do.

My family on the other hand, and sister in law have been 100% supportive. They realised we were making a huge decision and were behind us even though they were hurting too. My sister is coming out in April and i cant wait to see her!

Sharon

[benandclare]

Heck that was rough for you guys but good to hear they are slowly coming round, long may it continue.

[JandM]

Do so feel for those of you whose people aren't finding it possible to accept yet.

[Woolfie]

Wow, SHAKYLE2906, that was pretty tough going, but you stuck to your guns and it looks like the future is improving. It is difficult with parents and the unknown responses they will give to the news of a new life without them. In some cases imo the granchildren are perceived as a last grasp at parenthood. Enjoying young life in all its glory and remembering the last time young children were involved in their lives. With a descision to emigrate they then look to the future and think, its a bit lonely, how can you do this to us...... So they have a tantrum and in some cases behave like children themselves. As a general rule, our parents expect to see our children grow up, start their own family and in the back of their mind anticipate being part of that. Baby sitting, being visited at weekends and vice versa, summer bbq's etc.. But when the news is of emigration, in some cases its pretty final, and thats the crux of the problem. To some extent their perceived future has been taken away from them. Obviously this applies to all parents , but its in how they deal with it that keeps the boat from sinking. Selfless parents will always wish the best for their children and take pride in their sucesses and be their to help when things don't quite go according to plan. Unfortunatley all parents arn't like this, its how i hope to be with my own children if they decide something along similar lines. Our parents now are telling folk that we arn't going at all now, just because we can't sell the house. Time will tell, then it'll start again i'm sure.

Kind regards

Woolfie