[Kerry and David]

Did any of you ever just feel like giving up on your dream of moving to NZ? Thats how I feel at the moment - it's all going wrong:(

Up until a few weeks ago we were making positive steps and progress with our plans - David has ongoing interview for a suitable job, I have lost 5 stone in weight so am in an ideal BMI range for medicals, flights booked for Reccie trip in a few weeks time etc etc.

Then my 18 year old stepson who I have been very close to since he moved in with us 6 years ago old us that he is not going to come to NZ with us, he has changed his mind and has said that it is his final decision and plans to move back with his Mum i'm gutted and so upset.
This in turn has now unsettled my 15 year old and 11 year old stepsons who now say they are not sure. So we have gone from 7 of us moving, to 4 definates and in my heart I know that we can't break up our family unit - it's really hard.

I have read some other posts on people thougts and feelings about being influenced by childrens decisions but mine is slightly different because the boys have the choice of staying with Mum.
I know that as a family our lifestyle would be improved greatly by living in NZ but I guess and remember when I was that age - parents don't know best.

I know I'm rambling but just thought I would share my experience with you..

K x

[dusk]

oh dear

no bright ideas from me I'm afraid, I can only imagine how complicated it gets when there are kids and other parents involved in the equation... but you have my sympathy, for what that is worth

[nickydwuk]

Kerry, I know how hard it is when kids have a mind of their own. I suppose I am lucky in that my boys haven't got another parent other than me or OH. But a short while ago my 16 year old decided he didn't want to go - he has been going steady with his girlfriend for 9 months. My in-laws where quietly encouraging him to stay etc... I felt like everything was going out of the window - OH had finally made up his mind after 12 months of 'thinking about it' and all seemed well. In the end we had a really good family heart to heart and explained to my son why we felt NZ would be better for him & us etc... and that when he had finished school/uni he would have the choice of moving back to the UK as he would be over 20. We compromised on our leaving date so he could spend his girlfriends 16th with her. Now he is all for the move. I know it is a different situation to yours but if you have a good serious talk with the children, find out why they don't want to leave, is it pressure from outside sources? Can you reach a compromise? Would it be possible for them to try it for 2 years and then return if they don't like it? You have come too far to let this ruin your plans. Could you delay your move?

Keep us updated on the ourcome. Sending positive vibes to you :)

[Mickstim]

So sorry to hear of the complications Kerry - and very difficult for you. Hope it all works out and you get the family sorted.

Barb x

[Kerry and David]

Thanks for your kind comments and thoughts, I will keep you posted. We fly to NZ on the 5th April (Just Hubbie and I) which will give us some time to reflect, look at area, schools etc and hopefully David's final interview.
We will then have further information for the boys when we return.

Barb - I like your signature showing almost there - good for you, I know it's been a long haul for you - really pleased for you!

K x

[James 1077]

Another option - which is much more expensive but could be worth it - is to take the kids along with you on the NZ trip as then they'll be able to see what it is really like!

And also remember to point out the NZ driving age is 15 as this could the thing that makes your 15 year old decide they definitely want to go to NZ (kids are odd like that!).

[JandM]

Sorry for how you must be feeling. I'm sure the suggestion to talk things through is the right one, and to put it to the boys that they should try things fairly (perhaps for two years, or till age 16?), with the reminder that they CAN go back if that's the way they want it at that later point. As for your eldest stepson - of course, at 18 he is legally a man, and entitled to decide for himself. So for him, the suggestion can be the other way round, that though he doesn't want to come now, the possibility will always be there, and of course he'll be welcome on visits. The less any of them is forced, the more likely they are to give a bit. And if the youngers know the eldest is going to be coming to see them (and presumably you'd have a webcam link), they might be happier about it.

No, parents don't always know best, but on the other hand, you've got the right to let them see that your plans matter to you, for their sakes as well as yours, and that you feel you're entitled to stick up for yourselves. Otherwise, if you just swallow your frustration at this setback, it's as if you're admitting it wasn't any big deal, or seriously meant in the first place.

[NZ Hopeful]

Kerry I know exactly how you feel, although my step kids don't live with us we are very close to them. Although they do have the option of coming with us they have decided to stay with their mum. But I do feel like I am breaking up the family in the process of trying to make a better life for the younger ones.

They are similar ages to your eldest step children and I try and rationalise it and say they are almost grown up now and will be going their own way soon enough. But kids are kids no matter how old they are :(

I really do hope everything works out for you. ((((hugs))))

[BkyMonster]

I know how you feel--about the giving up, not the child issues. Some good advice in this thread on that I think.
Things are on the verge of falling apart in my latest plan. Have a week or so before I know for sure. Then back to the planning board...again.
I keep trying to come up with alternate plans to make it all work. One of them will stick. :)

I'd say outline some options for them should they come with you. Visiting schedules for going to visit their mum and so on. Urge them to give it a try and if after a certain amount of time they really feel NZ isn't working for them that things can be re-evaluated then.

[JandM]

I keep trying to come up with alternate plans to make it all work. One of them will stick.Good luck.

[holland]

Hang on in there, I won't pretend to say I know how you feel because I dont have children/step children but try and stay strong and 'go with the flow'....its difficult to do I know, you must be going over and over things in your mind all the time.

Don't give up, remember we are here!

J xx

[Kerry and David]

Thanks again for the further thoughts on this matter.
As much as we would love to take the boys out with us when we visit soon we are a family of 7 and just can't afford the flights for all of us.
Also our youngest son is 3 and although he is a good traveller we didn't think that it would be an enjoyable experience for all concerned to put him through a long flight and then a reccie trip of driving around looking at schools, colleges areas etc as we only have 10 days.

We have suggested to our eldest that as he will have finished college by the time we move in September he could come on an extended holiday to see what it's like but that hasn't worked.
We have also said to the 11 and 15 year old that we would really like them to try and if it doesn't work they could then come back to the U.K.

To be honest I think we are just going to play it down a bit because I'm sure they must think that all we ever talk about is N.Z. Then once we have been out in April and David hopefully has a job offer we can start the ball rolling again.

It's tough!

Thanks again

Kerry x

[holland]

Thinking of you xxx

[Kerry and David]

Thanks Jade x

[nickydwuk]

And also remember to point out the NZ driving age is 15 as this could the thing that makes your 15 year old decide they definitely want to go to NZ (kids are odd like that!).

That helped with my son :D

[Kerry and David]

Just thought I would update you! A better weekend with the teenage species!!

11 year old had the map out of NZ looking at areas and told me that his birthday in a few weeks time will his last in the UK and he looks forward to having a warmer one in NZ next year!

And the 18 year old had a big fall out with his Mum over the weekend and she has told him that he can't move back in with her. (bad news for her but could work in our favour - without wanting to sound horrid:o ),

So at the moment the numbers have increased again...

I'm sure that it will all have changed again by next week!!

On a positive note after my 3 year old heard his big brother talking about the long flight to NZ he went and got his little Thomas The Tank Engine suitcase and packed his essential items - teddy and car and told me he was ready to go to the airport - bless:D

Will keep you posted - thanks for your support

K x

[Caroline and Dave]

Just thought I would update you! A better weekend with the teenage species!!

11 year old had the map out of NZ looking at areas and told me that his birthday in a few weeks time will his last in the UK and he looks forward to having a warmer one in NZ next year!

And the 18 year old had a big fall out with his Mum over the weekend and she has told him that he can't move back in with her. (bad news for her but could work in our favour - without wanting to sound horrid:o ),

So at the moment the numbers have increased again...

I'm sure that it will all have changed again by next week!!


On a positive note after my 3 year old heard his big brother talking about the long flight to NZ he went and got his little Thomas The Tank Engine suitcase and packed his essential items - teddy and car and told me he was ready to go to the airport - bless:D

Will keep you posted - thanks for your support

K x

This is great news.
I am a firm supporter of the fact that if things are meant to be, they have a habit of sorting themselves out. We had all sorts of problems but one by one they magically disappeared.
We wish you all the success in your future plans.

Dave and caroline

[Kerry and David]

Thank you!

[JandM]

:nice1

[nickydwuk]

Sound positive. I have found that byletting them think about it without talking ab out themove all the time they do eventually come round. Hope all works out well in the end:yes

[Lara Croft]

Hi Kerry.
I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, just wanted to say I hope it all turns out ok for you. Like another poster, I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason, so have faith!

Jane

[dusk]

glad things are looking up, long may it continue :D