[Artemis]

Hi,

Thought I ought to introduce myself since I've been lurking in the wings for some time now.

I have a job offer in Auckland, a work visa in my passport and flights booked for next week. Problem is that I am really having second thoughts.

Both myself and my OH want to go to NZ but my 18 year old daughter is adamant that she is not going to come with us. She has a place at uni here in the UK and nothing will persuade her to move. We thought at first when I accepted the job offer that she would be OK to look after herself providing we cared for her financially.

That said, I am really struggling now to believe that she will be able to manage. I suspect that I'm being a clingy parent but I worry that we will be so far away if she does need us.

I'm not asking for answers, I just wondered if there are any other parents on this forum who have been in the same situation as us and if so, how their teenagers have survived and managed!

[JandM]

Hello.:)

We're UK parents whose son married and moved to NZ. I can well appreciate your feelings at the idea of being on the other side of the world from your child.

HOWEVER, that child is legally an adult, and if parents want to keep comfortable friendly contact with their adult children, they have to give them room to live their lives. Let them go from your sight, then they'll heppily come back, from friendship or in case of need. (I'm saying 'you' not meaning to lecture you personally, just stating a principle as I see it.)

The principle is the same even when they're taking up a job or going to study only across the country from where you are. Think what message it would give the son/daughter preparing to take a first big step if the parent gives out vibes of doubt. We went through this when our son (the same one who's in NZ now) took a job in London straight out of school, and we had to bite down on all sorts of things we'd like to have said, telling ourselves we'd done our best to raise him right as a self-reliant human being and we mustn't be surprised that he wanted to act that way. He survived, he coped, and he's his own person.

Something that has been mentioned before on the threads is good advice - don't think of your loved ones as being a certain distance away, rather think of the time it takes to travel. Heathrow to Auckland is 26 hours. I'm a day away, that's all. It could well take me a day to travel to lots of places in the UK if my family were here in the same country with me. If there's some real emergency, the airlines have compassionate seats and fares (you can do a search on the site here for details), and people can be got on a plane very quickly.

Another thing that springs to mind is that your daughter will be at university. Universities are geared up for young people who are away from their families for the first time. They all have official bodies where a student can go for help from staff with anything that bothers them, and the student union also has structures in place, so anyone needing practical assistance or just reassurance has a whole range of choice for support. It isn't just a matter of lucky chance whether they have friends around - there is a network right there, available for everybody who wants it.

Good luck with everything.

Oh, by the way, I don't think parents ever stop feeling that pang of doubt when their children are in a challenging situation, even when said children are adults in responsible positions with children of their own. It's built in, but it's probably best not to tell them so!

[dusk]

Hey.

Given your circumstances I'm not surprised you;'re having a bit of a bout of cold feet.

It's impossible to say without knowing your daughter, but at 18 it is her decision and there's nothing stopping her changing m her mind if she wants to and coming to join you (or vice versa) - it's certainly possible, and you will only be 1 day away in an emergency and only a phone call away at all times...

as long as you're still on good terms with your dauughter and it's just that she wants to continue with her plans there's no reason why you shouldn't continue with yours and everyone will be okay in the long run :)

[StevieD]

Not in your circumstances - yet! Want to wish you good luck.

All I can say is, think back to when you were that age... wouldn't you have liked to have been able to go to uni, enjoy and discover life, like you will be doing if you move here?

And what could be cooler than saying to your mates in uni "my mum and dad live in NZ and I'm popping down there in the hols for a bit of skiing and/or sunbathing"??

Don't get me wrong, I can understand your worries, but you have to think of the wider picture sometimes, and as much as it hurts, we all grow up and move on. Doesn't make you a bad parent as long as your daughter is comfortable and looked after.

Good luck in which ever path you choose :)

Steve

[AndyR]

welcome to the forum!

I know quite a lot of this years 18 year old student at my university and I'm surprised how mature and self sufficient they can be! When you go to university your friends and flat mates become your family so she will have plenty of support if she needs it!

I'm sure she will also come and spend quality time with you during her holidays!

[Artemis]

Thanks guys, for your words of wisdom. Everything you've all said makes perfect sense.

I still have a few more days to dither and I know I shall, but whatever decision I finally make, your help, support and advice are greatly appreciated!

[dusk]

if worrying were a sport some of us here would be forming teams :D

best of luck with the next few days.

[slider]

Hello and welcome to the forum :)

[dilanium]

Hello and welcome. Good luck with whatever you decide. Just remember that if you do go, and you find you need to go back to the UK, you can. There are flights back to the UK.

[Kiwi-In-Texas]

Hello and welcome.

[homertonian]

My boys are 17 and 18. they have agreed to come to start with to see if they like it and to go to college there. my eldest is in a band who are releasing there first album this summer and have a further tour planned. I only hope that she would not change her mind on the day you leave.. I assume she has passed medicals etc if she was coming on a PR visa. Could she leave with you? Many people have said she is an adult and should be allowed to get on with her life and that you are only a day away. That day will be a long day if she needs help or to see you more than about once a year, let alone the cost. I would try and negotiate with her. I left home myself as a teenager to work but it helped knowing mum and dad were only an hour or so away. Don't forget the impact of the time difference too. Hope this is helpful.
Karen

[jackie m]

HI & welcome to the forum

Jackie

[Nick88]

When I went to university in the UK my family was in the Far East. As long as I had access to funds that would enable me to get out of trouble, or pay any unexpected bills I was fine. I also had plenty of relatives within an hour's drive should I need them (I never did). I had a couple of problems in that time, but I just had to cope with it, like any other adult. The confidence boost I got during those years was huge.

If you try and keep your daughter close (and safe) she will not thank you for it later. My inlaws did it, so I have first hand experience of the resentment that can build over this issue. You are off on an adventure, so why can't she?

[Ruta]

Hi, I might be wrong but I think that if a student leaves the UK for a number of years, 5?,after graduation, the student loan is cancelled. If I am correct this could be the incentive for your daughter to try thr life in NZ for a few years after uni.

[BaldyBeardyBloke]

Hello and welcome.

Our kids are younger, so can't offer any words of wisdom I'm afraid, but good luck with your adventure.