[jo b]

Well here we are getting everything ready to post the ITA off this week.

I thought my 9 year old was coming around to the idea until last night she broke her heart saying she doesn't want to leave her best friend.

They were born within a week of each other and have known and played with each other since they were 4. They send each other letters saying how they are best friends. Although they don't go to the same school now they have been planning on going to senior school together and then Univ and then even so far as getting a flat together when they are older.

I know most of this plan won't pan out even if we stayed. I won't base my decision on Beth's demands BUT it is breaking my heart seeing her so upset, any tips or advise would be helpful.

Jo

[Diny]

I know this has been worrying you Jo, and to have Beth break down and cry must be one hell of a situation.

I don't know of any easy answers for any of you. My only thought at this stage is to try and convince yourself that you really are doing this for the kids. I know they don't think so at the time, but in years to come they will thank you for it.

Something like 'being cruel to be kind'.

To put another adult slant on the situation (don't mention this to Beth as she will never believe you) - but how many of us are still best mates with our best mates at junior school.

I met one of my oldest friends at junior school, we're still close and see each other as and when we can, we've been through thick and thin, and still remained buddies. We've lived on opposite sides of the globe at times but have always stayed in touch. However, there's dozens of others that - at the age of 9 - I would have sacrificed my best barbie doll for - but a couple of years later we'd practically pass each other in the street without so much as a nod.

What I'm trying to say (and not managing too well)...... best friends will remain best friends no matter where you are and how often you see each other. If you don't keep in touch - then you were never best friends.

You'll be OK, Beth will be fine, she will no doubt give you hell for a while (it's a childs god given right :laugh ) ..... but she'll come round - just you wait and see. The winning formular here is .....TIME.

Diny

[Nicola]

Jo we are in the same boat with my middle son Robbie. Some of the time he is really excited about the move. But the rest of the time he throws large total wobblies, especially when he has been discussing the move with his friends who seem to wind him up.

My only tips are to try and see if you can get her any pen friends in the area they are moving to. Get her involved and busy. Make her feel secure with the move, no matter how wobbly you feel yourself.

I know it is hard, I remember losing one of my best friends when I was 6 and they moved away. But children are a lot more resiliant than we give them credit for. One minute they are breaking their hearts about something and the next they are running around again laughing and shouting.

Both my eldest kids want to come back to the UK to go to University, or so they say at the moment. Maybe this could be an option you suggest. I am hoping that by the time they are ready to move to Uni, they will be settled in NZ. But if they are not and it is time for them to fly the nest, then I will have to accept there decisions.

Nic

[Moorf]

What I'm trying to say (and not managing too well)...... best friends will remain best friends no matter where you are and how often you see each other. If you don't keep in touch - then you were never best friends.

Well said, spent the best part of an hour trying to put exactly that into words... :clap I left behind 5 best friends that I went through boarding school with from the age of 10 through to 18.. we're all 36 now and still v.v.v. close but we all lead v. different lives in various countries around the world.. but are still best friends. :nice1

Just think what amazing letters they can write to each other once you are here..

[markkellaway]

Jo,

We have the same issues with Andrew, who is 10. He doesn't seem bothered about anything else, it's just leaving his friends that plays on his mind. The only thing I can suggest is perseverance, Andrew is OK about the move "at the moment" but is particularly vulnerable when he is tired, so we try to talk about it with him when his state of mind is right. We are also trying to involve him more in the process, "this is what has happened today", "this is the next step" etc.

Kids are remarkably resilient, talk to Beth about the Internet, tell her you'll get a Web cam and that they'll be able to chat etc. etc. and I'm sure she will be OK. :nice1 The thing about not talking about it too much when she is tired is important I think, kids are very driven by their emotions, and when they are tired logic goes completely out of the window! :yes

Good luck!

Mark. :P

[jo b]

thanks everyone.

Mark I think you are right last night we had gone to the school valentine disco and she took her best friend with her.
When she got back it was at 8.45pm when the tears started. It was because she had spotted the meds and a valuation I had done on the house that day that started her off, and really I think she was knackered, she definately had sore disco feet.

Diny and Moorf so right about best friends. I tried to explain to her that my best friend through junior does no more than glance at me now in the stret (not that I see her anyway) but my best friend I knew all my life but only really got to know when I was 11.
I also forgot one of my best friends moved away to New Brighton when I was 6 ans I was gutted. I soon got over it though.

Thanks guys

Jo

[Diny]

Just to follow on from what Moorf said about her mates from boarding school. The amazing letters bit is right.

When Louise (oldest mate) and I meet up it's as though we saw each other the day before. So much to tell and hear - and the old chemistry that made us friends in the first placeis still there. This will continue. Other mates have been and gone ..... don't mean that to sound disrespectful ..... it's just the way it is.

The advice about picking the right time to discuss it is right ...... tired and sore footed after a valentines disco ......... I think I'd have a tantrum too.

Good luck little buddy :nice1

[mechidna]

I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter (11 years old) did the same thing. First she was tickled to be going to nz...now she says she'll never speak to me again.

But this week it's "well, I think a year would be okay".

I don't know where I keep getting these reseves of patience, but thank heavens I do!

mechidna

[A & M]

Absolutely right about getting the wobbles when they are tired - this is when we get the "I'm homesick, I miss my friends". But both our children (11 & 8) are keeping in touch with UK friends with emails and postcards, and most of the time they are just fine.

They have been back at school for 3 weeks and already Kathryn (8) is visiting new friends for tea on Thursday and Friday. We went to the swimming pool last week and there were kids in the pool yelling hello to them. They still talk about their special friends in England, but they have adapted remarkably well, and I'm sure Beth will do the same, Jo. This is the first move that they have made, and the 11 year old is very shy, and I'm amazed how well they have coped.

Perhaps Beth would like to email kathryn and ask her about school and so on? pm me for email address.

Good luck! Mandy

[Kim39]

Jo,

Was going to PM you after us meeting up last friday. Hope i can help. Does Beth have MSN? because the girl's were asking it would be great if they could talk to her everyday, so if she has, PM me with the address and maybe the girl's could help chill her out.
Now remember you said she would like to live next to the girl's, well tell her there is a chance obviously depending where we end up. I know you are aware of our intentions so throw that angle to her and see what comes up.
I know Hayley can't wait for this to happen, and Nic ain't to keen but they do understand the reason's why we are doing it.

Kim

[A & M]

Jo

We have msn too, so they could chat on that, probably easier than email as they can have a conversation.

Mandy

[Diny]

There's only a few months difference in the ages of Beth & Fergie - we're on MSN too, maybe we could start up some kind of 'NZ kids support thingy'.

It's worth a try.

Diny

[jo b]

That is a great idea.

I am not set up on MSn yet let me get it set up at the weekend then I will let you all know and the kids can have a chat. Obviously with the watchful eye of parents.

Thanks

Jo

[veronica]

MSN is only available to those people you put on your msn list. so the kids should be safe enough on it.

[susanlin]

Hi Jo

I can so relate to what you are going through as my 11 year daughter felt exactly as Beth does. We had a pretty rough time for the first 6 months - lots of tears from my daughter as she missed her best friend so much. Her unhappiness really got me down which was a large part of my homesickness I think. But, things have improved - the tears have stopped and she can talk about her best friend now without getting emotional and yearning to go back to UK to see her. They talk on MSN regularly, text each other, talk on the phone, email and send cards.

I have told my daughter that what she has experienced is a normal part of life. It happens. Life is all about change. I have given her space to mourn the loss of her friend from her day to day life. I have encouraged her to talk about her feelings, cry and laugh about her happy times with her friend. We have had lots of cuddles and cosy chats and I have reassured her continually that it will get better - the dreadful feeling of missing someone so desperately will fade as her new life develops here, she meets more people and becomes involved in interests/activities.

Her friend will always be special - always - and one day, they will meet up again.

Keep talking to your daughter, Jo. Communication and loving support will help her through.

Sue

[annaerb]

Hi I'm a Kiwi and have two girls 10 & 14.
If your children want to email and ask any questions about school, way of life or just want a penfriend etc please email.

We lived overseas for many years with my eldest daughter going to a International school with about 12 kids her class. We came back to NZ when she was 7. She missed her friends and couldn't cope for awhile with a huge class, different school system etc ,but after awhile she made more friends and settled down. Another 7 years have passed and she still talks about her old friends and she hasn't seen them for 7 years and they wouldn't even recognise her now.
Tell your daughter that she can ring her friend from NZ every once in awhile as it costs $4.00 for 2 hours, she can also email and send letters.

carol

[MB]

That's a nice offer, Carol. Thanks. We have a two year old little boy, so we may be in touch. :nice1

Cheers,
Matt and family.

[Diny]

$4 for 2 hours ???????????????

Jeeeze - I'll never be of the phone.

Diny

[Moorf]

Yikes.. it's $6 for two hours at weekends here :?

[chrissie]

We have actually moved around quite a lot and one thing I found really helpful if my boys were feeling sad about leaving their friends was to emphasise the fact that their friends could come and stay whenever they wanted to for a holiday (they don't need to be told about the expense issue etc. and the fact that it might not happen) That seemed to cheer them up and within a few weeks of being in their new environment they had made so many new friends that, although they still remembered their old ones, life just moved on without any real dramas.

Kids are remarkably adaptable and providing they think that they will still be able to see their old friends, even occasionally, they soon move on.

I am having the opposite problem at the moment!! My 17 year old doesn't want to go back to UK as he loves it here so much....and we've only been here since August last year!!

You ARE doing the right thing and your daughter WILL thank you for it before very long.

[chrissie]

We have actually moved around quite a lot and one thing I found really helpful if my boys were feeling sad about leaving their friends was to emphasise the fact that their friends could come and stay whenever they wanted to for a holiday (they don't need to be told about the expense issue etc. and the fact that it might not happen) That seemed to cheer them up and within a few weeks of being in their new environment they had made so many new friends that, although they still remembered their old ones, life just moved on without any real dramas.

Kids are remarkably adaptable and providing they think that they will still be able to see their old friends, even occasionally, they soon move on.

I am having the opposite problem at the moment!! My 17 year old doesn't want to go back to UK as he loves it here so much....and we've only been here since August last year!!

You ARE doing the right thing and your daughter WILL thank you for it before very long.

[wilson182]

Yikes.. it's $6 for two hours at weekends here :?

Not forgetting, of course, thats its $6 whether you spend two minutes or two hours :wah

[markkellaway]

I haven't tried the quality to long distance PSTN but have you guys thought of using Skype?

Skype Rates (http://www.skype.com/products/skypeout/rates/)

It's worth investing in a headset for Internet telephony but Skype is supposed to be pretty usable (I've only used it computer to computer).

Mark. :P

[Moorf]

OMG Debs!! I didn't know that :wah :wah