[migratory birds]

For the parents out there...

What are your thoughts/experiences with moving to NZ from far afield...only to have your kids grow up to say they're moving thousands and thousands of miles away (for university/love/job/family of partner/etc)?

I worry that my child, now 9, will grow up to want to get out of NZ for good at some point in early adulthood :wah I think I will follow her anywhere!

[gil]

Good question, and I think when my eldest was 9, I felt the same way. She is now 20 and in the UK, with our 17 year old talking about varsity in Aus. Our 12 and 10 year olds also talk about travelling overseas....

What I didn't realise 11 years ago, is that nature has the most amazing way of making you feel differently about your kids as they grow up, all in readiness, I suppose, for when they do fly the nest, whether locally or internationally. Teenage years are great preparation for this, and I wouldn't mind betting that some of us hope they WILL go and live overseas as they pass through what can be quite turbulent teenage times :laugh

Gil
x

[migratory birds]

Yes, a friend whose teen daughter was going thru some very turbulent times being tossed about in the sea of hormones, said that those teen years have a way of preparing kids to fledge and their parents to be ready to let them go...

[dharder]

You have to wait till the teenage years to see the appeal of a child moving away? You all must be much more patient than I am. I found myself googling 'primary boarding school nz' the other day, and then wonder why restrict myself to NZ...

IF we are still here then, I fully expect my children to want to move somewhere else. I'm convinced they'll be mad at us for selling up and leaving London when they want to do their OE there.

Since I don't plan to retire here, I'd be more than happy to move back to Europe then as well. But no pressure from me at all on them... :)

Daniela

[JandM]

It's probably not far different from bringing up a child in a home country you haven't actually (either of you) thought of leaving, then having them meet and marry someone from the other side of the world - ! (Our experience.)

Your child is still a child, Migratory Birds, so it's probably hard to envisage the time when she will want and need, for her proper development, to make decisions of her own and carry them out for herself. This will happen more and more as she moves on from this point, and you will probably bite your lip and eat your words many times as you try and let her learn by experience, which we all have to do.

There are no guarantees that any of our children, however much loved and loving, are actually going to want to do what we would most like them to do. Those who try and force their will on their children are going to scare them away the soonest. All we can do is advise, then step back, so that gradually, we hand over management of their lives to themselves. When the process works right, you end up with them as extra friends who want to share with you, so they keep in close contact. If this turns out to be by emails and webcams from the other side of the world, and your grandchildren ask to have you 'turned on' - 'Granny and Grandad on the screen, please?' - well, it's a darn sight better than nothing.

And/but it's important for the parents to remember to have their own lives as people, not to be entirely wrapped up in parenting. Being a parent doesn't stop, ever - we'll always care - but the hands-on job is only for a short while, so being an interesting friend is a better option than appearing needy.

((((((())))))) everybody...

[Tia Maria]

What I didn't realise 11 years ago, is that nature has the most amazing way of making you feel differently about your kids as they grow up, all in readiness, I suppose, for when they do fly the nest, whether locally or internationally. Teenage years are great preparation for this, and I wouldn't mind betting that some of us hope they WILL go and live overseas as they pass through what can be quite turbulent teenage times :laugh

Gil
x

Gil, I really hope that is the case!

My son told me the other day, after being told he couldn't marry me, that he would build a house in the backgarden, (true kiwi style), and live there with his future family.

My main thought on hearing this, was 'yay'! :o

I love the idea, intellectually, that they will travel and make a great life for themselves but I am a long way off from really feeling that. But then my oldest is 6 and still needs me to tie his laces. :)

Cheers

Tia

[BaldyBeardyBloke]

Giving our kids the opportunity, minus a lot of the hassle we had when emigrating, to go work/live abroad when they are older was one of the reasons for deciding to emigrate in the first place for us.

It was something that crossed my mind many times as a teen but I never did anything about it as it was always in the 'too hard' basket or there was nobody i knew to ask about it.

Should our kids want to go to UK when older (or anywhere else) at least we can offer some 'been there done that' advice and they will have to chance to do so with little hindrance (to the UK at least).

The ability to have our kids able to choose more readily from a greater array of opportunities when the get older is a big plus for me.

The current kiwi trend appears to be move to UK for singleton/early working life experiences then when older and wanting to settle down, have kids etc move back to NZ. Having the freedom to do that without time or political limitations is a definite advantage.

[SharpBlade]

Hi there,
I left Belgium for Ireland 10 years ago. Got married, had kids, then we moved to NZ. Had another baby. Now, although they are sort of bilingual, our kids' main language is english. My husband and I speak french to them etc..
The thing is, the children find it hard to communicate with the rest of the family in Belgium (write email, phone calls ). I feel sad sometimes that my kids don't know the same stories, songs etc.. that I knew growing up. If they end up living in China, Peru or anywhere , they will teach another language to their kids . I think that as long as you can communicate, you are fine. I would obviously travel the world to see them but I hope I won't have to learn Mandarin.
There is an old saying that goes like "if you love your child, you give him/her the world".
So, yeah, I am quite prepared to the idea of them living abroad..Still have a long way to go anyway before they leave , that's why I am rather philosophical abour it..
Sorry, bit of rambling
Laura

[dharder]

The thing is, the children find it hard to communicate with the rest of the family in Belgium (write email, phone calls ). I feel sad sometimes that my kids don't know the same stories, songs etc.. that I knew growing up.

Is that because of the language, you think, or rather the distance? Our children are bilingual German/English, and they have no problems communication.

But to let them grow up somewhat bicultural as well as bilingual has been much more involved that I had originally anticipated! More conscious decisions to do some things and not others, and, to tie this in with another thread, the decision to spend our long annual holidays in Germany with my family rather than going somewhere new and exciting. It's been more difficult than I had thought at times.

Daniela

[SharpBlade]

I have always kept very good relations with our families back in Belgium. We used to go back twice evry year when we used to live in Ireland. We would send pictures, presents, photos, etc etc.. Phone calls too obviously. Like you, I am trying hard to maintain some sort of "belgian" culture (if there is any) , french cooking, belgian cartoons, french DVD etc.. I sing songs in French, I read them books, we have belgian boardgames, belgian posters etc etc. I even keep some traditions well alive and my mum regularly sends us parcels of food , chocolate etc.
I find that the distance makes it hard. We haven't been back for 3 years now and people change, children grow up and their interests change. I think that our children are getting more attached to NZ, they feel part of it, they might want to claim NZ nationality, this will be their country after all.
I would very much like to spend some holidays back home although I know that means compromising on another destination that is probably more appealing to my children, something like Fiji, Australia, etc..
Laura

[StevieD]

That's why I went to sea!! Escape and see a bit of the world, and I couldn't blame kids if they wanted to try their hand elsewhere. We all have to settle in our own way, it is just difficult to accept that your kids will grow up one day and maybe not want the same as you do..... either for yourself or their own lives.

[hball]

migratory birds - ours did!

Our 18 year old son returned to the UK after only 6 months in NZ having decided that while the surfing was great there was just too much he missed in the UK. Our daughter lasted a year before returning - and she was only 16!

We felt dreadful! (I should own shares in Kleenex I went through that many tissues!!) Emigrating was supposed to be for the benefit of the whole family but that was not how they saw it. Guess the reality was that it hadn't been their choice in the first place - it had been ours.

Well, our daughter returned some six months later, a lot more settled and ready to give it a go, but it took our son four years to try NZ again. Now both are happy here, have married and have kids of their own.

In passing though, BOTH have recently dropped hints about moving to Australia but at least that will be a lot closer than the UK!:yes

[wiki]

So many Kiwis head off on their OE when they're young, that there's a good chance your child will be influenced to do it to. It's an important part of growing up when you're from a country that's pretty remote geographically.

I went off on my OE when I was 22. Secretly, I was hoping my folks would beg me to stay as it was pretty scary idea... except they knew how good it would be for me.

NZers who don't travel are accused of being pretty insular - you may have struck such people yourself *wink - so taking the chance to get out into the world can be hugely healthy.

I ended up in the UK for 10 years, but came home. My older brother had 17 years in Perth, Australia but came home. One of my older sisters did 14 years in Sydney, but is now home... and the oldest only went as far as Auckland for 10 years, but that's kinda far from Invercargill, and, you guessed it, is now home.

The youngest of our family got as far as Alexandra and stayed put lol.

But what I'm trying to say is: home is where the heart is, and sometimes heartstrings do have to learn to stretch around the globe... but having your heart broken is part of growing up: as is learning how to have your heart mended.

best of luck

[wilson182]

Firstly, my dd is only 8 so whatever I post now may change in a few years lol. I love the idea of opening up the world for her, we will almost certainly get citizenship for her when the time comes. That way she will have Europe and Australia/NZ to choose from. My feeling at the moment is that I can hardly move her to the other side of the world, away from her roots and then complain if she wants to do the same thing. I think when/if the time comes I will just have to deal with it.:(

[migratory birds]

Thanks for all the deeply thoughtful and heartfelt responses. I appreciate the perspectives offered so far.

[victoria24]

they say that the main objective of good parenting is to equip your children with the skills to separate from you as easily as possible.
our 2 have been brought up to embrace travel and other cultures and are pretty cosmopolitan for 10 and 6. As long as they have happy lives, the geography is just a plane ride away :-)

[Carey]

We have had family members tell us that if we go to NZ our kids will return to the Uk to which we answer, well if we stay in Uk they will probably go to NZ as they've already been there and they would hear us rabbit on about our travels there. You do not know what your kids will do in their later years but if you love them, you have to let them go.
We also feel that giving them the choice of UK, NZ, OZ or Europe is a pretty amazing gift to give your kids.

[thewoodies]

hi im moving to nz with a 17 yr old and 2 small ones(big gap!)

My 17 yr does not want us to move, but is thinking of becoming an air hostess to travel the world!!!! So we hold our dream and then she bu**ers off! It doesnt matter where you live they will make their own choices - the hard part - is letting them (trying to be better at that). At least in NZ the little ones will have an excellent education and safe environment in which to play with more opportunities than the uk - if they travel ? they travel! nothing you can do will stop them - I have lived away as a young person and travelled thats the best education you can have - books and tv have nothing on the real thing! I will encourage mine to travel and see the world. You do grow with your child and believe me the thought in their teens that they might leave sometimes becomes appealing:laugh - you have no idea what you have to come with the teen years!!!!! :wah:exit

[shakyle2906]

I guess this is in the back of most peoples minds, those who have moved over.

Our son is nearly 6 and its something i have already thought of..........

A friend at work's son has just gone back to the Uk after being out here for 15ysrs and she has said how difficult it is, he is about 20 now i think.

I suppose, as we have tried it, moving over here to give not just ourselves, but our child/ren a better life, we have to support their decision (if it ever arrises) to go back to the UK, its only fair i guess, however heartbroken you feel at the time.

I guess i have a few years yet before our little one will be thinking those thoughts, but yes i have already thought of this too!! I would be totally heartbroken inside but would have to support his decision.

Sharon
x

[hball]

The hardest part - and I wonder if this is maybe the point of the thread - is not that anyone wants to hold back their children's desire to travel or return to a place they were happy, but what happens to you when left here without any family or ties to NZ.

Especially if your kids have returned to their country of origin and show little sign of wanting to come back! Or worse, have married and started a family wherever they may be.

Would you stay here?

[NZ Hopeful]

My kids would have to figure out how to remove their cotton wool straight jackets before they could go anywhere, wherever we may be! :( :D

They are only 8 & 6 though so don't really have to consider it at the moment! :exit

[JandM]

what happens to you when left here without any family or ties to NZ. Surely nobody can live somewhere without forming links in that place? If any family has emigrated while the children were still children, then been there long enough for them to finish their schooling and be of an age where an OE or migration of their own is possible, the parents will necessarily have made friends, taken up spare-time activities, developed their careers, etc.. This is what I was saying in an earlier post - parents need to remember to be not ONLY parents, but human beings as well, doing things for themselves.

[migratory birds]

The hardest part - and I wonder if this is maybe the point of the thread - is not that anyone wants to hold back their children's desire to travel or return to a place they were happy, but what happens to you when left here without any family or ties to NZ.

...Would you stay here?

For me the problem wouldn't be then having no "family" in NZ...but being so darn FAR from my baby.

If I were in Ireland and she were a hop, skip and a jump away in France or Canada...no problem...but if she were at the furthest point away on her raising her kids/my grandkids, would I really want to be SO far away as to only see the little ones for a few days/weeks every few years??

If we move to NZ, am I setting myself up for an incredibly long distance between us a couple decades down the path?

[migratory birds]

Rereading that post, I am reminded to stay in the present...

...and not look ahead 20 years.

She may be one of those kids who LOVED where she grew up and will return if/when she's ready to start family.

[JandM]

It's the only way! Life doesn't offer guarantees, though I suspect most of us would sometimes like it to.

And/But, if you find yourself so far away you can't go further without starting to come back... when the heart-strings are strong, you can still feel SO-O-O-O close. That webcam link is wonderful - seeing the little ones grow week by week, and having them bring their new drawings to show us on the camera; having my son keep me company through the time till I could phone when M had been rushed to hospital. if you make the relationship as the person grows, nothing will break it.

[peebles16]

Funny I've been reading this post with interest as something both me and OH have discussed at great length. We actually met overseas in Africa and set this whole mad rollercoaster in motion :yes

I had to chuckle today though at my eldest who is going to be an inventor when he grows up - don't you know?? We spend a lot of time discussing inventions and indeed have 'blue-prints' designed and saved in his 'special, top secret computer thingies with the passwords' :p Anyhow today's inventions is a special self -cleaning house (nothing to do with me!!) that can travel through dimensions - BUT ONLY TO SCOTLAND!!

Very specific about the SCOTLAND thing and only for a visit - phew says me will start worrying about how to pay for OE etc later :D

Karenx

[thewoodies]

in reply to your kids moving away- it would depend on individual circumstances, how many children you have etc - i like to see myself out there with my kiwi grandchildren (something like the Waltons!!:laugh)

we have just got to get there 1st!

Perhaps thats the answer have lots of children - hm wonder if im too old to have another one!!!:exit:exit

[nippa&pippa]

It will be very hard for me (they are my babies!!) but I have to let them go if they want to move to overseas, after all our parents did let us go as well!
Our children is following my footstep that I was born in Jamaica and move to UK at 9months, same ages as my middle child when we moved from UK to NZ. So there is likely they might want to move on to next countries, but I would like them to try OE if they can because it will give them more confidence and hopefully to be open-mind.

[Genie]

I have one of those awfully twee fridge magnets with a message that for me sums up the job description of being a parent.

"The two things to give a child is roots, to know where home is, and wings"

My daughter is 10 and I hope she will go out into the world and live her life for herself. Experience is the best educator I feel. I left home at 16 to live in London and it was a healthy, maturing experience for me. I wouldn't try to deny her that choice when we face it. Seperation is a natural part of our lives, it's just painful when it happens. :(

[thewoodies]

genie - you are so right:wah

[irishliz]

I am the oldest of 8 children and my mother actively discouraged any of us to travel. The first time any of us left Ireland was once we were financially independent young adults. 3 of us live abroad, two others lived in America before settling back in Ireland, one never left and two younger ones (21 and 19) will get their wings as well. I think we have all done well to do some exploring and I can only hope that my children do the same and more that their dad and I did. And I hope we have the health and wealth when we retire to go and visit them where ever they might be.

[NZ Hopeful]

Irishliz your family sound like they would fit right into a Marian Keyes novel! What a well travelled family! :D