[Kirst&Kev]

Hi there,

We live in the UK but are aiming to move to NZ in Nov 08. I have a (nearly) 3 year old and am looking for reassurance that I am preparing him enough for the changes ahead.

My parents are Kiwis and although they were here for his birth he obviously has no relationship with them except for the occasional phone call or looking at their photo with me. However they are coming over in August for his 3rd birthday which will be a great opportunity to get to know them before we arrive in Nov.

My son is very close to his other grandparents (my in-laws) and the rest of my husband's family. In fact, because we sold the house so quickly we are moving in with my in-laws in a few weeks until Nov! (First big change).

I'm concerned that after a few weeks in NZ, he will turn around to me and say "Mum I want to go home now."

I have been talking about NZ a lot more, and have mentioned that because it is so far away we won't be seeing Nanny and Grandad as often and that sometimes we might feel a bit sad about that. I am planning to keep his favourite toys and 'Thomas' bedding here so he has some familiarity, otherwise everything else is going on the ship.

I guess I am just wondering (for those of you out there that have done it) how you handled it? What did you tell your toddler? How did they react to the move?

Also, on another matter, we don't know yet where we will be living in NZ until OH gets a job...what should I do, if anything yet, about kindy's? I read somewhere on this forum someone had a 1 year waiting list! Does that mean Ben won't be able to get in anywhere until he's 4 unless we go private?

Kirstie

[shakyle2906]

Hi Kirstie

I know exactly what youre going through!

We were worried more about our sons' reaction to the move more than ours!
He had an extremely close relationship with inlaws, they had looked after him since he was 3mths when i had to go back to work. At that stage, my side of the family werent so close, i lost my mym 15yrs ago so obviously he never met them, and my dad and i have had a very on/off relationship all my life, sometime more off than on, as his family havent spoke to us in 5yrs!

Kyle was going on 5 when we made the move and he adapted fantastic! It was hard when i had to pack our stuff up ready to move, getting rid of toys i wasnt bringing was hard, we had a few tears but he was trold he would have new when he got here. I made sure that his favourite duvet and some favourite toys were packed in our cases so he had familiar surroundings as such when we got here.

We have been her 14mths and its like we have always been here. He has a fab group of friends, and a lovely little kiwi accent! He is doing brilliant at school and i remember when our PR came through over here, he asked what the blue stickers meant, and i said it meant that we could stay here as long as we wanted, his reply was ' thats ok then cos i dont want to go back to Neath '..........

Sure, the actual break from family and friends is very tough, but you do get over it. He does miss parents in law, but we speak on skype and webcam at least once a week. Its not the same as actually touching them, but he can see them and they finally agree he is doing really well (the break up from them was very bitter, which i wont go into now!).

As for kindy, i guess its where youre looking to move to. I was lucky to secure a place for him within a few weeks, he then went to a learning centre when i went back to work full time which was $145 a week, 8hrs day.

Good luck and if i can help further, please dont hesitate to contact me.

Sharon
xx

[victoria24]

can't answers the last parts of your post but my two (10 & 6) dont really remember being 3. if you are are confident and positive about the move when in the company of your little one then he will adopt that attitude. I spose a bit like parenting in general- a strong united front from the grown ups even when you're unsure yourselves will always inspire positive outcomes.

[JandM]

I'm the English Granny of Kiwi grandchildren aged 4 and 2. They've grown up with a webcam link to us as part of their lives. Our grandson at 14 months would ask to have us 'switched on' - Granny and Grandad on the screen?

You know, I think you are maybe expecting your little boy to look too far ahead. If you don't shadow him with the anxiety you as an adult naturally have, things will go more easily. Small children tend to absorb the attitudes of those around them, so if you can keep things positive, you will be doing the best for him. For instance, I notice you saying, 'We won't be seeing Nanny and Grandad as often and that sometimes we might feel a bit sad about that' - this is your adult thinking, which you could spare him. How about stressing that although you will be a long way away, it'll be fun to get on the webcams and talk to one another? He'll be able to show them his new toys, and clothes, and drawings, and then put the drawings in an envelope to send them. And it'll be great when Nanny and Grandad send things - he'll see the English stamps and know it's photos and letters from them. And what fun it will be when Nanny and Grandad come and visit you, and he'll be able to show them your new house that you'll have by then.

Is there something that he does particularly with each of them, that he could take a keepsake of? For instance, if he cooks with Nanny, he could take a spoon he's used there with her, and whenever he uses it he's to remember tasting the cake-mix. If he watches Grandad doing woodwork, Grandad could give him a screw that he'll hang something on in his new room. It'll make a connection with them to be in the new house with him.

You say, 'I'm concerned that after a few weeks in NZ, he will turn around to me and say, "Mum, I want to go home now."' Home, he has to learn from you, is where you make it. If you don't think about LEAVING home (back in England), then neither will he - concentrate on the home you're all going to make together. And if he were to say he wished he could see whatever it may be - his old bedroom, friends from playgroup, English family, then you cope with it as the moment dictates. You can have photos and film of familiar places, and you can arrange to keep contact with people who have meant a lot to him. It's all parents' job to decide things which involve changes for their children - they're the adults. It's normal that children fit in with parents' plans. Children don't get every wish gratified. The need to sort this out happens more as they pick up unsuitable or inconvenient ideas from beyond their parents (from kindergarten, and school, and TV for instance), so you won't have come across it much as yet while he's so young, but parents quite often have simply to say 'no'. He, at three, is going to be living far more in the present than you, with your memories of what you've left and your hopes and worries for the future. Concentrate on what IS, for him, and any looks back will only be passing ones.

The more happy and content you can be, the more he will be, too. Good luck with your trip.:)

[thewoodies]

we have a three year old we are going to disney LA on our way over to make it fun !!! This will hopefully take the sting out of the tail when she has to leave grandma behind.

[Carey]

Children are very adaptable. Home is where you are with your children.

[Kerry and David]

My son who is 4 this week doesn't really understand. We have spoken about it and told him that we will be living in a new house and some new people will live in ours and we will be going on a long flight etc.

He gets a bit confused - when we were going on holiday to Norfolk last week he was telling people we were off to NZ:p

I haven't tried to overload him with too much information as he will also be leaving behind two of his step brothers ( 1 will follow on later)

I will support him through each stage as it happens.

Good luck.

Kerry x

[Georgebulldog]

we have a three year old we are going to disney LA on our way over to make it fun !!! This will hopefully take the sting out of the tail when she has to leave grandma behind.

This word for us with our 2 1/2 year old.
I mentioned a few times where we were going but didn't say too much as otheres have said you don't want to overload & they are addaptable. My DD asked more about our dog that we had to leave behind (long story) & I was a bit worried with all the places we stayed, in laws, Disney, apartment before we got our house, she kept asking about Magnum's new home & when ever we went out she would say goodbye to our new home, you can never tell what goes through their heads.
Good idea to take a few belongings with you so there are some things that stay the same. My DD has settled down nicely now, still asks about the dog though but now she says he's with Dale & Lisa :nice1

[nippa&pippa]

My eldest son did had tearful moments...
http://www.emigratenz.org/forum/showthread.php?t=10298&highlight=thomas

So no matter what you did, it will happen (I done all the preparations for move to NZ). Just been there for him and plenty of hugs, get him involved in planning once you are there, like ask him if he like the house to buy......soon before you knew it, he will love it here!

My son LOVE it here very much that he doesn't want to go back to England few months after these posts any more and more settled when we move into our house :raebanana

Other days he shouted at me, correcting that he is Kiwi, not English because he can't remember England anymore... :p:exit

[marcia]

Our youngest is 4 now he was just coming up to his 3rd birthday when we moved, (we also have two older ones who are now 12 and 10.)

As others have said Kids are very adaptable, basically for them 'home' is wherever 'you' are. They will miss grandparents or freinds who they have had a lot to do with at first, but to be honest I think you'll find you miss them more than the kids do!

Just keep talking to him, so he knows whats happening, be guided by his needs, but I'm sure he will be fine.

Theres nothing really you can do about waiting lists for Kindy or childcare, but something else you may want to consider is Playcentre - unique to NZ, and for me brilliant for getting to know lots of people quickly, and integrating into the community!

Heres a link for you to have a nosy at!

http://www.playcentre.org.nz/

[Kirst&Kev]

You say, 'I'm concerned that after a few weeks in NZ, he will turn around to me and say, "Mum, I want to go home now."' Home, he has to learn from you, is where you make it. If you don't think about LEAVING home (back in England), then neither will he - concentrate on the home you're all going to make together.

Your words were very much along the mindset I have been in, but I had that little 'niggle' at the back of my mind...I just didn't want to brush his feelings aside I guess and just wanted him to know that whatever he felt was ok.

With regards to him saying "Mum, I want to go home now" he actually says that when we go away on holiday toward the end of the first week! :roll And that's why I was a bit concerned about how to handle that!

Everyone's responses are appreciated...you're all right of course. I particularly like the bit about living in the present. :yes That's where he is so I'll just give him enough info to give him the heads up about what is happening in a week or two week's time to prevent overload.

Thanks all you wise parents out there!

[tea drinker]

JandM
your response makes a lot of sense
I'm sure that this will help many families with young children
:yes