[migratory birds]

Seems that older (40+) immigrants on this list sound more settled after moving than younger immigrants (???) - not based on any interviews/research I've read but instead on reading posts for the past 1.5 yrs.

Perhaps it's because, for the most part, the children of older immigrants are grown, there's less pull back-n-forth between NZ and grandparents in home countries, careers/finances are more settled, etc and many who emigrate when older move to NZ with long term vision of retiring and are often quite happy with it.

What do others think? Are these your observations, too?

[nippa&pippa]

I think it is more of wise and experiences that older generation have over younger generation make them more settled?

[LesleyS]

I think the observation may be a little subjective, as a late 40 something immigrant myself, I have found the opposite to be true for me.
When I was in the UK researching and planning this move, I expected the transition and settling in period to be much quicker than it actually has been.
Can quite honestly say that Iam still not sure that this is the place that I want to be for the rest of my life.
The grass is definitely not always greener!

[Nettie 2]

I'm not sure either. As a 50+ immigrant I have found it reasonably easy to settle. I have one son here & one in the UK but I do find I miss my friends and social life. I had a very full life in the UK, working full time in a bank and lots of social time, darts, skittles, local village pub etc. As I am not working here I haven't met anyone who I want to pal up with yet, and my social life is zip zero nothing!! Since getting my pup I have met a few people on walks and I start dog training classes tomorrow so I'm hoping I may meet someone there.
I can't say I'm unhappy because I'm not, but so far life hasn't quite reached the standard I was hoping for. But I am forever optimistic! :yes

[Tia Maria]

I must confess I have no idea of anyones ages on the forum - you're all 21 to me, you are also all blonde, female and like chocolate! :)

But its an interesting question, perhaps you could post a poll, to see if there is a more settled age group, something simple like: 25-35 - settled, 25-35 - not settled etc.

My guess, 35-45 - most settled but I wouldn't bet money on it!

Cheers

Tia

[Moorf]

I personally think it's more to do with lifestage than age. I think one's age has little to do with it because there are parents aged mid-40's with young children and there are empty-nesters in their mid-40's too, plus childfree couples and couples in their late 30's who have yet to start a family.

Plus, there are folks on here who have huge families and large groups of friends back home, and those that have a few close friends and that's it and small families. All that will go towards your feeling of settled imho.

So I basically feel it's the stage of life you've achieved, not the age, that matters. :)

[Alive&Kicking]

I personally think it's more to do with lifestage than age. I think one's age has little to do with it because there are parents aged mid-40's with young children and there are empty-nesters in their mid-40's too, plus childfree couples and couples in their late 30's who have yet to start a family.

Plus, there are folks on here who have huge families and large groups of friends back home, and those that have a few close friends and that's it and small families. All that will go towards your feeling of settled imho.

So I basically feel it's the stage of life you've achieved, not the age, that matters. :)


Can't agree more with the above!!!

Anita

[beth&rich]

As a mid twenties member who hasn't quite arrived in NZ yet, I an honestly say that I don't ever expect to full on "settle" in NZ. Moorf is right about the lifestage bit.......there is a whole world out there for me to live in before I buy a house and have kids!

[lockstock]

We worked out that after 50 years in the northern hemisphere it was time to come and bother the southern one. We left a note for the kids though.

[peebles16]

We worked out that after 50 years in the northern hemisphere it was time to come and bother the southern one. We left a note for the kids though.

:laugh :D

Karenx

[migratory birds]

We worked out that after 50 years in the northern hemisphere it was time to come and bother the southern one. We left a note for the kids though.

And you can now rest assured that they found it because at least one is following you!

[migratory birds]

So I basically feel it's the stage of life you've achieved, not the age, that matters. :)

Can you say more about "the stage of life you've achieved" that matters? What do you think needs to have been achieved to feel most settled after a move to NZ?

[migratory birds]

(Tried to edit the previous message but time limit expired so here goes the amended message!)

Moorf,
Can you say more about "the stage of life you've achieved" that matters? If it's not that clarity and general peace of mind that comes as we get older, what do you think needs to have been achieved to feel most settled after a a tremendously long-distance move to NZ?

Perhaps I'm just thinking back to my 20s when my entire life was spread out in front of me, opportunity for adventure limitless and I could move every year with a few paper bags (!!)

Now, approaching my late 40s, I don't want to move every few years anymore and am in a 'stage' where I want to continue to put roots down. Perhaps because I'm looking to settle in for the next few decades (and I'm in my late 40s) that that feeling of being settled might come for easily for mid-aged folks...but perhaps not from the sound of it!

[Moorf]

Good question - my thinking was that you could be 40 and have 20-yr olds who are in the UK, or you could be 40 with 3 under-5's, or you could be 40 with no children. I believe, rightly or wrongly, that there could be more issues for one setup over another to settle - taking into account children's emotions/education, grandparents/extended family, future planning, etc. - and yet they're all the same age.

[thewoodies]

Thanks moorf wasnt sure where i fit in im 40 + with a baby 3 year old and teenager!!!! Perhaps midlife crisis settle better!!!!!:laugh

I hope so!!!!:laugh

Will let you know :laugh:laugh

[YouMeAndThree]

I'm just going to agree with everything Moorf said :), although in all fairness I've not made the move yet, so don't know how well I'll settle.

I fit into the 40+ bracket, but have 3 young children aged 5 1/2, 4 1/2 and 21 months. I think they will have a lot of bearing on how quickly we, as a family, get settled. It may take me, personally, a longer period of time. I'm hoping that having a younger family will make it slightly easier for me to meet other people.

Lx

[Parsley]

I agree with most of what Moorf said. I also think that it will depend on how accustomed you are to dealing with major change. I've lived all over the UK and in other countries. My other half has never lived more than about 100 miles in either direction from the middle of the M4, so I have no idea how he may cope. I've changed jobs dozens of times; he's had the same job since he graduated. Knowing my luck, he'll cope with it all better than me (I'm a bit of a stress bunny) but I'm not sure that our ages have anything to do with it.

:)

[wilson182]

I think it also comes down to how well people can deal with being out of their comfort zone, and I dont think that age has any bearing on that. We may think that we are ready to do it, it's not til we have actually done it that we know how we can deal with it IMHO.

[nippa&pippa]

I'm just going to agree with everything Moorf said :), although in all fairness I've not made the move yet, so don't know how well I'll settle.

I fit into the 40+ bracket, but have 3 young children aged 5 1/2, 4 1/2 and 21 months. I think they will have a lot of bearing on how quickly we, as a family, get settled. It may take me, personally, a longer period of time. I'm hoping that having a younger family will make it slightly easier for me to meet other people.

Lx

I am the "40s with 3 young children under 5" brackets as mentioned by Moorf...(hang on I am not 40s yet for another 6 years! but OH is 43).
You will find lots easier to settled if you feel that your children is happier, you done the better life for them than in UK and you will meet other parents who will become friends with you, kiwi or expat (not found expat in my son's school yet).
Yes we, women, take longer to settled because it is our role to ensure our children is happy, to ensure our house is fit to live in, to ensure that we still communicate with family in UK and to ensure we got enough money in our accounts.

[mgbridges]

Yes we, women, take longer to settled because it is our role to ensure our children is happy, to ensure our house is fit to live in, to ensure that we still communicate with family in UK and to ensure we got enough money in our accounts.

Sophia I think you've hit the nail on the head for us (late 30's, 1 x 5.5yr old when we moved). When OH was here on his own, working, finding his way around, sorting out a car, looking for a rental, getting furniture, phone & internet set up etc. he seemed very stressed and unsettled. Once I'd arrived and could take over house hunting, shopping, getting DS settled he seemed to chill a bit and could move on to 'settling down'. I on the other hand still feel like I'm settling down almost 12mths later.

Anneliese

[willsken]

I have settled quite quickly here. My reasoning is that I like what is here in NZ (where I am) far more than what I had back in the UK. I just wasn't happy there (with the life I had) and here I really like the life I have. :D

[ourquest]

Yes we, women, take longer to settled because it is our role to ensure our children is happy, to ensure our house is fit to live in, to ensure that we still communicate with family in UK and to ensure we got enough money in our accounts.

Ok, this might be the more common scenario. In our case it is OH who is earning money and it is me (one of us men) who is making sure the home works as it should and getting the children safely to and from school. We all feel settled, but I think that is largely helped by many little things we have done to make us feel at home. And these don't have nearly as much to do with the actual house or school and much more to do with our attitude, positive thinking and mutual support, and awareness of what we have here as well as accepting what we have had to give up. We happen to be early forties too, but I can only comment about our own experience and if we support the theory that it is our age that has helped us settle then we're happy to become a statistic...

[benandclare]

We've both settled really well I think, late 40's, children and grandchildren plus 2 aged Mothers left back in UK :p

We moved here because we wanted to live here and not because we wanted to get away from UK and so far it's living up to and beyond our expectations, sure there have been times that it's not all been rosy in the gardens, like the cold house, but were working on it :)

We are on reduced income til the garden biz kicks in full time but even that has not unnsettled us, you just get on with it. Perhaps it helps that we're both doers :nice1

[Tomsk]

Interesting thread, thanks. I'm not sure yet whether I have any real opinions on how much of an issue age is, although I'm inclined to think that attitude and personal circumstances are likely to be bigger factors than age.

OH and I are both 46, and brought 2 teenagers with us (15 & 16), and so far all is brilliant. I think, quite honestly if the children were unhappy, or OH then I'd be struggling too, but fortunately both teens so far are taking to it like the proverbial ducks to water, we are so lucky to have a great (warm) rental, and I'm still waiting for the homesickness to kick in......not a hint of it so far!

[tigerlily]

The research that I've done points to older immigrants having a harder time feeling settled. Children adapt and "become Kiwis" very quickly. Whereas I will probably never think of myself as a New Zealander, since my identity was formed during the 35 years I lived in America. That doesn't mean that I don't love it here, but it will never feel as completely at home as my kids will. Then again, America isn't static either, and if I went back I would be surprised at it's changes.

[craig1234564]

As im am still in the UK for now then I cant be sure but im hoping its this :

If you moved to NZ in your 20's as a single person you would be bored.

Moving as an older person 50+ you would feel guilty for leaving family and probably miss the things you were used to.

Most people think of moving just after they have kids which is the stage we are at now.
I believe you have to move at that point otherwise it would be too disruptive on the family life.

[JandM]

Oh, come on Craig! Of course we all hope we're going to be fine ourselves, but please don't knock back the other age-groups to boost your own.

I agree with Tomsk. I'm inclined to think that attitude and personal circumstances are likely to be bigger factors than age.

[smitjo]

Hmmm not sure about that Craig!
I'm in my 20's (be it late 20's) although married and not single but even if I was....I very much doubt that I would be bored!!! I honestly don't think we can pigeon hole people - it's more about where you come from, your likes/dislikes etc rather than age. Just repeating what Moorf said!

[PeteS]

We found that we became settled when:-

We both had jobs as we were forced to mix with local people.

We stopped looking back at the UK as home.

It's much easier to become settled if you look outside groups of ex-pats. You need to "go native".

[Carol]

We came in our mid 30s.
Nothing at al to do with age that I have found it so hard to settle.

The main reasons have been:
1) Missing my family....sooooooo much (which has got worse as time has gone on)
2) Trying to learn to love things that are totally foreign to me eg the quality of housing, lack of choice etc.
3) Being an "immigrant" in itself was very hard for me.... I still feel like my roots have been pulled out dramatically and are STILL dangling out of my current plantpot.
4) Having to re-learn to teach in a very different way....

That said - we came at the very best time for our kids..... who were 7 and 4.
but having a baby here with no family was also extremely difficult for me. Because I so desperately wanted to share her with them more than I could....


So age?
Not really a factor.

[Derv]

I don't think it's anything to do with age, it's to do with attitude. I felt settled very quickly when we arrived in NZ because I joined lots of groups and clubs so I was meeting locals not ex-pats, and because we didn't keep looking backwards. When we moved to the Mainland, I again joined several groups and clubs (I got a list of them at the library). Even though I didn't stay a member of all of these, I've now got lots of friends here in our small town and we have made good friends with our neighbours and at work as well.

NZ became "home" very quickly to us and it didn't take long for us to refer to the UK as "The UK" rather than "back home", even though we both have left family members back in the UK.

[ourquest]

It's much easier to become settled if you look outside groups of ex-pats. You need to "go native".

In the same way I believe that this forum and similar forums can hinder settling. They certainly have their place (and here I am!:roll) and can be invaluable in sharing similar goals and solutions with like-minded people, but continuous (addictive?) use of it well beyond one's move might be a constant reminder of your expat status.

In the same way that those wanting to be rich are advised to surround themselves by rich people, those who want to settle are advised to surround themselves with settled people.

[Carol]

I have to say though - I too was very pro-active in getting out there and making friends. I've got many many more friends here than I had in England....
I too was out there in the community - especially as I worked in a semi-rural school.
But my closest friends here are all Brits. Its just the way it is.
I gave up long ago trying to work out why its happened. Its certainly not down to my attitude - I love meeting new people. I was open and friendly with as many "natives" as I could get to know.... but I was let down many many times. I got to the stage where I said "**** it" and I now hang out with people I like. No matter where they are from.

My own struggles lie with the fact that I have "left" elderly family members to cope on their own. I've had a lot of problems coping with the guilt that has caused....again - just the way I am.
I know ALL the reasons why I shouldn't feel this way - I've even had hypnotherapy to help me come to terms with it. But I can't.
Like I say - just the way it is..... there is no answer.

[Carol]

continuous use of it well beyond one's move might be a constant reminder of your expat status.

In the same way that those wanting to be rich are advised to surround themselves by rich people, those who want to settle are advised to surround themselves with settled people.


hmmmmm
And there I was just trying to be helpful to people on one of the more positive discussion forums on the internet (generally speaking)

Oh well.

[dusk]

you are, you and everyone else who are already there are invaluable to people who haven't made it yet... this virtual community should not be limited to the settled/not settled... we are people who have something in common - whatever stage we are at.

[ourquest]

And there I was just trying to be helpful to people on one of the more positive discussion forums on the internet (generally speaking)


You are (helpful) and it is (generally speaking positive). But I believe (I, not necessarily you, or anyone else) that there is an element of unsettledness in contributing or reading regularly where the discussions are all about people who are not New Zealanders, and who are obviously learning and pointing out differences between their countries and New Zealand.

It could be that when these "differences" become one's normality (whether the differences are good or bad) that one's integration has occurred, and being reminded of the differences could slow down this integration. This thread is all about integration so my point is valid, at least for me. The forum doesn't need defending, because it isn't being attacked. It is what it is, and its members have a tremendous amount to give and so the potential benefits are huge. That is not to say that it is not without select pitfalls for individuals though, of which I am one. If I am the only one, then at least I am aware of it. We each have our own things we need to do in order to settle.

[Carol]

I know....
Maybe you are right.

One thing for sure..... 12 years in - its still a big learning curve!
eeeek!
(in terms of learning about myself that is...)

:nice1
Yes...it even happens when you are over 40!
lol

[mcacmartin]

Here's my perspective on the whole thing...as someone who has lived in NZ once already, left and is now planning on coming back.

I first moved to NZ when I was 18 when my parents decided to emigrate from the UK. We arrived in November 1997 and for the next three years or so, my parents and little sister (she was 7) started to make a life for themselves. I got a job and moved into my own flat, but never really "settled" like they did.

In February 2001, I decided it wasn't for me, and I came home to Canada.

In the 7 1/2 years since then, I've met my husband and had two children and achieved more in life. I have a diploma now and a good job. OH has a good job. The kids are great. But....there's always been something missing for me and recently I realised it was NZ. And OH feels it too.

I think it's all about getting to that point in your life where the only BIG thing missing is a place to call "home". Maybe you don't feel at home where you live now, or you feel like NZ could offer something more.

I dont think it has as much to do with your age as what you have already done in your life and what you are looking for in the future.

It also has a lot do with how much effort you put in. I didn't put ANY effort in the first time around. This time, when we get there we'll be putting in a lot of effort.

Mind you, having said all that....there are some people that will always have a hard time settling...and I haven't figured that out yet.

[migratory birds]

...this forum and similar forums can hinder settling... continuous (addictive?) use of it well beyond one's move might be a constant reminder of your expat status.

But what would this list be if it were only applicants and those who haven't yet moved?? :eek:

I'm truly grateful for those who HAVE decided to post regularily and continue to respond to our endless questions about banks, housing, neighbourhoods, pet transport, culture, restaurants, etc (the questions remain the same, only the posters names change!).

It seems not to be a forlorn looking back from those well-settled in NZ who continue to post here but an extension of hand of assistance to those yet to come. :cheers

[ourquest]

It seems not to be a forlorn looking back from those well-settled in NZ who continue to post here but an extension of hand of assistance to those yet to come. :cheers

Yes, I agree. However, you using the words "forlorn looking back" rather suggests that that you think I was implying that is what it is. Actually I was referring to a possible psychological influence the forum could have on a member which might be subtle enough that even they might not be aware of it, let alone it turning the whole mood of the forum.