[willow]

Hi

our ita has gone to london and we are nearing the point when we will have to tell our 11 and nearly 10 year old of our plans for their future.

we have held off telling them before we actually get the ok because we didn't want to freak them out and then find out we weren't going. i suppose we are protecting them from uneccessary worry and stress.

now, hopefully very soon we will have to bite the bullet and have that conversation...........any tips? stories of your childrens reactions would be good too.

willow

[YouMeAndThree]

At 5, 4 and almost 2 we didn't really need to do "that" talk. As far as my children were concerned we could have just been moving from one side of town to the other. We did lots of Google Earth with them, but as for sitting them down and telling them what we had planned, it never really happened.

Step children were a different matter. We mentioned very, very early on to MIL & FIL that we were thinking about possibly making a move to NZ, but that it was, at that time, just a passing idea and not to mention it to OH's 2 children as we didn't want to worry them about something that might never happen - within 10 minutes MIL said "so what do you think about your Dad wanting to move to NZ then?" :mad: To say we were a little cross would be an understatement! So the 15 and 18 year old were thrown in at the deep end. The 18 yo doesn't seem to have cared less tbh, but the 15yo has been quite upset but is looking forward to the possibilities it will offer her in terms of visiting another country. Of course whilst OH was in the RAF we could have been posted anywhere, so there was always the chance that 'Dad' could have moved away and maybe that's always been at the back of their mind.

I wish you well on broaching the subject - maybe your children are better off with the direct, this is what is happening approach or the softly, softly, drop sly hints approach - only you know your children well enough.

Best of luck
Lx

[JandM]

I'd be surprised if your children didn't know there was SOMETHING in the wind, as there's almost certainly been a change in your manner while all the planning and anxiety has been going on. They may even be quite relieved to know it's not about something they've done. (I'm talking as somebody who's worked for years with top junior age children.)

You aren't going to be able to dictate their reactions (and each one may feel differently about the plan). You need to give time and respect to their responses, even the ones that seem minor from your perspective, and even if they're negative. Let them express everything, without stopping them short with an 'oh, but...' They may come back over days and days, as more things occur to them. It's much healthier for them if they can bring out what they're thinking and feeling. This MAY be painful for you parents, but your children need to feel that you've listened, especially as you decided not to involve them at the planning stage. (That all sounds negative, but of course, you MAY be lucky and find they're happy and positive. Then you need to listen for their expectations and plans/hopes for the future, both to make sure they're not building on any misunderstandings, and to take them into account in what comes next when you get to NZ.)

Ahead of your revelation, think over what MAY present problems for your children, so that when they express these, you have some help to offer. Are there things they do which are very important to them? - playing on a team? riding lessons? learning an instrument? being part of a club? If there are, find out some details of how they'll be able to follow up these interests where they're going. Find out what schools they might be going to, so you can tell them details and show them pictures, and the future won't just be a blank (fear of the unknown is one of the worst things for a child to have to deal with). If your children are particularly close to certain friends/relatives/neighbours/teachers/club leaders, they're old enough to plan to keep in touch with these people. At this stage of their life, they have the capacity to keep their memories alive, and appreciate being in touch by letter, email and webcam. (You might want to talk to other adults involved at around the time you tell your children, so that they're backing up your line if one of them happens to air the matter when you're not around.) Maybe there are some other forumites in the area you're going to, with children you could put yours in touch with.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[NZ Hopeful]

As JandM said I would be surprised if they didn't have an idea that something was going on, or you have been very restrained in not talking about things within earshot!

We told ours fairly early on what our intentions were and they have asked a million questions along the way which we have answered as best we can, although my eldest who is 9 is going through a phase of absolutely not wanting to go at the moment which I am sure will work itself out in time.

From my experience kids don't really like surprises and need time to process information so I would say tell them sooner rather than later but at the end of the day they are your children and you know them better than anyone, good luck, hope it goes well :)

[TipTopAddicts]

Hi willow,

We have tried to be very open about our move, and we asked our 7 year old when we were out on our last trip, what he would think about living in NZ. There were lots of questions - what will we do?, what will happen to our house? can I bring my toys?, etc, etc followed by a lot of excitement. With the move (hopefully) only a few weeks away, its beginning to dawn on him that he wont be able to see his old friends all the time, go to the same school which he loves, see Nannan and Grandad everyday or Nannans dogs! and I have seen just a few small signs of him getting upset, which is understandable. But, after a little chat, some reassuring words and some explanation that we will be able to email friends with what we will be doing, using webcams to see the Grandparents and friends at school, oh and Nannans dogs, and that we will have friends and family out to visit, he seems fine again, especially when he realises that he will be able to see NZ stockcars nearly every week in real life rather than just on the old dvd's! (much better eh, Marcia!;))

For what its worth, and I know our lad is younger so possibly an easier task, my advice would be to tell your children of your plans and allow them to feel included in them and put their ideas forward, rather than the possibility of them feeling that they are just having to go along with the plans you have made for them. It will give them chance to get used to the idea before it happens, and a chance for you to reduce your stress of having to keep the move a secret.

NZ Hopeful is right - they are your children, and you are the best ones to decide when the time is right to tell them.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
H.

[willow]

thank you everyone for your comments and ideas.

as you all comment, how and when children are included/told about the plans is very much based upon individual families and as we all know every family is very different. age of the children equally plays a huge role in how they will react and i think that is the worry for us.

if the children were younger then they can easily be involved from the start as they live very much in the moment and don't look into things too deeply. with older ones they need to be involved as young adults. we feel a bit in the twilight zone! ours are 11 and almost 10. the 11 year old is at the stage were friends and school life is everything, and also she can see problems ahead and has developed the capacity to fret about things over the past few months. as an individual she will be better finding out when we know that we have been accepted and then we will have the facts and can support her through something that will definately happen. she is at that stage were her comfort zone is everything and feels very worried if that is upset. our son will be easier, he is still at that up for anything stage of life and is a different character.

when we tell them (fingers crossed we will get to that stage) it won't be a surprise i am sure (it will be like the santa claus thing, they know really at that age but don't say anything to keep us happy!). i work with children/families and see so many children exposed to adult situations/conversations that they end up worrying about, especially at the age mine are. this experience has obviously influenced our decision to go through the process without them being told until we have the ok.

what we do know is that they will thrive in new zealand and moving out of their comfort zone will open their eyes and make them realise change is not always a bad thing and good things happen because of it and life is out there!

I would love to hear from anyone with 10/11 year olds about their experiences, not just telling them, but how they found the move.

[migratory birds]

They're 10 and 11? I would say just leave the paperwork laying around or the NZIS website open on the computer and wait till they ask what it's all about :laugh

That's how my kid found out at 7 yrs old while I was on-line submitting my ITA (3 yrs ago!! Yikes and we're still not there!). Not what I intended. I thought I'd wait till we'd been approved but having found out at that time saved me from having "the big talk" so in hindsight, I'm grateful.

My kid is now trying to sell flower bulbs for a fundraiser and starts the salespitch with "Do you like tulips?" Of course the answer is usually yes and the pitch launches in. How can they then say "No"?

You could ask your kids if they like plane trips? Or doing adventurous things? Or if they've ever considered pulling up from all they've ever known and starting new somewhere :wah :laugh ?

Good luck!

[CJ22]

Don't tell 'em. Just go while they're at school. It's the kindest way.

[victoria24]

interesting comment from my 10 year old daughter last weekend. i asked her how she feels about possibly leaving behind family and friends as she hasnt mentioned that aspect of a move. she replied that she would still be able to keep in touch via tinternet and phone and that she would make new friends in NZ so she sees it as a doubling of people she knows!
i guess my point is that children tend to be eternal optimists by nature (remember having no fear when you were younger?) and may surprise you with their response.
our children have grown up always knowing that we would emigrate. i spose in the same way that my adopted friends say that they just always knew they were adopted, for our kids theyve always had their eyes wide open when we travel and embrace other cultures and ways of life.

[Flutterby]

My 2 & 1/2 year old is sold on, "going on a ride on an aeroplane" and "going to live near grandma and grandad" If only all kids were this easy to please!
While i anticipate that convincing a 11 is a much more difficult task, like you say about knowing how your children will react/worry, you will probably know what aspects are likely to appeal to each of your children (in order to present it in the best light) and what are the most likely concerns (so that you can be armed to deal with these concerns)
Helping your children find contacts and friends in NZ ahead of the move (the area, possibly the school you intend to send them to) and showing them the many ways that they can maintain contact with friends in the UK may help with some of the anxieties concerned with moving.

[NZ Hopeful]

Don't tell 'em. Just go while they're at school. It's the kindest way.

:laugh:laugh

[shakyle2906]

Our son was 4.5 and we had to tell him to keep quiet as MIL and FIL werent going to be happy!

Poor thing did until one day they were sitting there the 3 of them and a plane came on - he said 'i wonder if that will be the one that me, mum and dad are going on'...........nothing was said at time - but when we did break the news -they remembered that day!

You can only do your best - tell them in a way they will understand!

Sharon
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