[kwisstan]

I'm tempting fate, but hopefully could be in the position to have a job offer by the end of this week.

Told my parents, who basically wanted me to jump on a plane tomorrow and then sort everything from NZ. Trouble is with in-laws. They are really applying the pressure to my wife (they know it will have no effect on me) They've started on with "never see them again", "miss grandkids growing up", etc. Now, although I'm able to sympathise with them, I'm at a loss of how to talk through things with my wife. (She was all up for it until she told her parents)

Has anyone else experienced similar problems with parents?

[eric_amanda]

Oh boy have I experienced it........ :wah

I am an only child, which IMO makes things about a billion times worse. :(

My parents were of the opinion that they could not stop us coming out here, but since we started by telling them that we were only coming for a few years to see what it was like, they just jumped on the 'can't wait till you get back' wagon!! :?

I have told my mum that currently we have no intention of returning to the UK, but she still does not listen. I have three young children (all preschool) so obviously they miss the children.

I just got off the phone this morning to my Mum and she was all upset because it was her Birthday last week, the anniversary of my Grandfathers death and Mothers Day all rolled in to one week, has become a bit much. :(

When we said we were coming here, they also had no intention of visiting. They are now planning a trip in October, but the conversation this morning made me feel that they are spending their life savings on that trip. She also listed all the things they want to do to their house which they can't afford to do, a. because they are coming here and b. because my Dad is retiring before they come out here! :?

Believe me, I know how your wife feels and it will be an emotional rollercoaster just like the one we have been on for the last year.

You could like us, just say that you are going to try it for a few years. Once you are here, in theory, it will be easier to say you are not planning to return??

It is difficult, and I am sure many others on the forum can fill you in on their troubles, but believe me you are not on your own, we have / are all going through this.

Where are you heading?

Best wishes

Amanda

[Carol]

ohhhhhhhhhyes - been there too - with my own parents.
I did have a "get out of jail free card" in my brother who went on to produce two grandchildren after we left - however I was told in no uncertain terms that

"those s saved my life"


hmmmm. :?

There is no answer - sorry.
Apart from the fact that once they have been out to see you - they will realise why you are here.
But it REALLY does hurt because you are constantly torn between doing the right thing for your kids and doing your "duty".

Still glad we came.
Definitely glad THEY came.
Am saving up now for next trip home - things are much easier when they know that is on the agenda.

Is there anyway you could help them out with their fares??

[veronica]

When we moved to Australia years ago Pete's mum refused to talk to me and I became the invisible person if we visited, She did get over it eventually (about 6 months) and things were ok after that.

I can't comment on anything else but my own feelings which are that you have to live your own lives.

I know from experience its hard on both sides of the fence, We have just left my mum and dad for the 2nd time and although its hard for them this time as they are late 70's and 81 they have been really supportive. I have also waved my kids off to other shores for the long term several times. At the moment we have one in the UK and one in Auckland. Thank goodness for the internet and messenger.

[Diny]

Mt heart goes out to you and your wife. This is one of the main stumbling blocks that alot/most of us have to get over. I'm in the lucky position where my parents are wishing us the best and supporting us all the way. But they are quietly having their hearts broken.

I come from a large family with brothers and sister who all have kids. We all live fairly close to each other too. The fact that mum & dad are still going to have 6 grandkids left in the UK on their doorstep doesn't really do too much to lessen thier hurt.

At the end of the day there's no easy answer. You have to decide whether you're going to live your life for yourselves and your kids or for your parents. That sounds abit hard I know, but it's a fact. I am so close to my parents that the thought of leaving them tears me to bits, but it's the future I'm focusing on - not the here and now.

I'm sorry if I haven't been much help, but like Amanada says, you are definately NOT alone with these worries. Our departure for NZ is imminent (we hope) and already my parents are planning a trip over next January.

My folks are 75 & 80 ..... believe me, the thoughts of them not being around much longer double my feelings of guilt and anxiety.

Be strong, and try to imagine yourselves in years to come, living somewhere where you don't really want to be with that constant feeling of 'if only we'd gone when we had the chance'.

All the best.

Diny

[Hannah-NL]

My family is all positive so far, they want to know all about it, and keep asking how things are and will (might) go, when we told them the general reaction was "Wow you're going to do this for real?!" And some of them seem VERY interested (maybe they want to come as well, eh?)
But on the other hand, my parents are 80 and 81 and last phone call I had with my dad, he just said: "I don't think we will ever be coming over you know, all the way on that plane." Thing is they live about 45 mins away by train and never come over either! Ok they are old and hate to travel unless they really have too, but I think us going away this far makes them (parents in general) realize their kids are really spreading their wings up to as far as they can go. And they might not like it, but it's our life, and we want to make life better for, for instance our kids. To put it bluntly: You can't wait till they have passed away to go your way, because you will be too old then! And in our case I know we will regret not going for ever, if we don't try now we won't ever go and will always be thinking "What if..."

[Moorf]

Spot on Diny and Hannah :nice1 I had grief from my mother-in-law as I was seen to be dragging her little boy away :? but now she knows just how much Woz loves it here she's backed off! :P

[Babette & Andy]

It's one of the toughest things in the whole process. Agree with all said above. With us it used to be my in-laws, who I've always found very difficult to understand. I do try, honest, but my parents and family are so different. So different in fact that they emigrated before us in Sept'03 to Nelson.

I came to the UK some 15yrs ago for a 2 week holiday and to see my then boyfriend (now hubby :P ) and never went back to Holland to live. When our eldest came along we seriously looked into moving back to Holland. My hubby tried learning the language, went over for a number of interviews etc But somehow for a number of reasons, it didn't feel right and we stayed put.

When we told my in-laws about our Holland plans, you wouldn't believe (or maybe some of you would) the arguments thrown back at us like:
'Why are you doing this to us?' and 'Moving to Holland why on earth would you want to do this, it's such a boring country with nothing going for it' :eek :eek As you can imagine, I took great offence to this as I'm (like most people) proud of my heritage and my in-laws had never actually been to the country. I must say that their attitude has not helped in my relationship with them over the years, I find it difficult to always put myself in their shoes. Thankfully my hubby has been very supportive.

We've been toying with the idea of NZ for a couple of years, and more seriously since our trip back in April last year. The one thing that really took the shine out of the exciting process was (again) telling the in-laws. Andy put off telling them until he went on his Christchurch factfinding mission back in October. And the biggest surprise was their supportive decision this time :nice1 .

Yes they are still very sad (with another son living in Perth since 1989), but they had a big wake up call 18months ago. Quite unexpectedly we lost my brother in law (their son in law) to bowl cancer, at the young age of 35, leaving my sister in law and nephew (then aged 18months). They were very close to him and have been virtually living with my sister in law since to support her and young son through this incredibly sad time.

I think it's made them realise how precious life is, that you need to try to live each day to the full, and seek to realise your full potential. This includes seeking the best place for you and yours whereever this may be in the world.

Whereas I truly can understand some parents shocked reactions, I find it a fairly selfish attitude (no offence intended, please don't shout for me saying this) to make things so hard for their children/in-law. It's almost like they're insinuating (spelling?) that we don't care for them.

Sorry to go on for so long, not sure even if any of the above is helpful to anyone. I hope all of you with parents / in-laws who's reactions are taking the shine out of your exciting, challenging and scary times in the process find a way to make them understand why you're doing it, and manage to get their blessing and support.

Good luck to all.

Luv
Babette

[kiwidollie]

I can relate to this one totally. I'm one of five sisters and we're all really close to each other and to our parents. The thought of leaving them was the hardest thing for me to get my head round but as lots of others have said, you have to do what's best for yourselves and your kids, and I believe that New Zealand is the best for us.

When we told my parents they were brilliant. Really supportive and excited for us they've even gone and got themselves their very first passports at 64 and 71!!! They also believe it will be really good for us and my sisters are all planning to come out and visit when we're settled.

Hubby's parents on the other hand were totally the opposite. His Mum in particular took the news very personally, as if we were doing it just to spite her, his Dad was a tad more interested but not that much! They've made the 'we won't be making that journey' noises and so far they pretty much refuse to talk about it.

Hubby was hurt at first, he's tried to tell them all the reasons why we are going, he's made it crystal clear that we'd love them to visit and see the country for themselves but at the end of the day it's up to them.

Live and let live I say!!! :yes

If my kids were planning to go off and try pastures new I know I'd miss them, but I'd want them to live the life they want and be happy.

[DrPhred]

The in-laws!:eek
Yikes, that's a tuff one around here. My wife made the mistake of telling her mother that I wanted to move to NZ when we where just fact finding and she hit the roof! She said that I was crazy and other things that I can't print here. Things have ben tense with her ever since. I can't talk about any of my ideas with her now, and my wife won't bring up the subject with her again.

[MB]

my parents are wishing us the best and supporting us all the way. But they are quietly having their hearts broken.

Good writing, Diny. Thanks... and to everyone else for this thread.

By the by, all: one thing I'd love to see, if possible, is for a (grand)parent to write a few paragraphs for the forum on what it's like from their position. This is so real and demanding a challenge for many of us and our families, and so arresting a paradox of feelings. It'd just be most interesting.

Cheers,
Matt.

[leslie]

funnily enough, i've just had an interesting few hours with my m-i-l. apparently noone told her to her face we were going (hub told dad over cigar who said would tell her). she's been hearing all these comments and never raised any q's. today i made a comment and she jumped.

i married into greek cypriot ancestory which wasn't too smart in a number of ways, one being that i was not forgiven my englishness/ non-greekness. all of this and any other non-greek unacceptable traits and their feeling on those was poured onto me the first time i had a quiet chat chat with my m-i-l. lets say it ended in shocked tears (me)... i had no idea what was coming!!! 3 years on the moronic greek d-i-l is 110% out of favour, as is son no.1, and i am queen (with limits, of course) so the knowledge we are leaving and taking her beloved grandson with came as rather a disappoinment. i do feel rather sorry for her, but if you bury your head in the sand at some point you'll have to come up for air.

she believes that if she won the lotttery tomorrow we'd stay.

[Glenda]

It is not smart marrying into an old-fashioned English farming family either. :roll: From the beginning I have been treated as an outsider. I was expected to cook everything from scratch - but was allowed to buy custard and gravy powder. Cakes and pastries were home-made, every dinner was a roast or remains of a roast. I was expected to wear check or tweed skirts with 'proper' shoes and look tidy, as well as be a workhorse. Even though I had a house before the marriage, I had to sign a pre-nuptual agreement to have no claim on 'family' property in the event of a divorce. In fact, I was to have no property or rights whatsoever. I only stayed in the marriage because of the kids and the hope that I could bring hubby to the 21st century. Although much of the farm has been sold off over the years, hubby is still expected to show his face and, most importantly, be expected to be there for family members and look after and provide for his father in his old age. (This is something male members of this family traditionally do, not daughters. Hubby has a sister who is basically ignored by FIL most of the time, despite her attempts to be civil.)

Fortunately, hubby and I managed to get away from most of that, but since the decision to go to New Zealand ... :eek I am the worst person on this earth, as if it is all MY decision. The problem is with father-in-law who has taken the news as a personal attack on him and his family. Instead of being upset, he has gone onto the offensive, and boy is it vicious! Hubby has been disinherited :roll: (big deal, I secretly say but hubby is rather upset) and father-in-law has been around telling everyone how awful I am, hubby is, with the most dreadful lies. We really feel everyone is talking about us. We have hardly said a few lines to him since October last year (he ignores us and looks the other way) and he will only talk to my eldest son (who would have be heir if the farm still existed). My no.2 son sat next to him in the doctor's surgery the other day and was completely ignored. Other relatives and his friends say how wicked we are putting ourselves before him. (!)

We have been hoping he will eventually come round - we've done the usual things like discussing trips for him to visit NZ, and promising trips back to the UK to see him - but the saga still continues. My parents are a bit sad, but pleased for us. Mother-in-law (who divorced him) is also sad but OK about it.

Can you wonder why I say "yippee" about our move? :laugh

[Nicola]

Go for it Glenda. :clap

I had that treatment from my ex hubbies dad, just because I was born on the English side of the border!


My almost/future Mother in Law was the one who sparked off the whole moving to NZ. Peter and I had vaguely discussed it, but had not done anything. Then she gave us a cutting from a news paper about an agency, and we have not looked back.

I think it has kind of shocked her, but everyone seems really keen for us to go. :eek Maybe we are just horrid people and they want to get rid of us. :eek Or maybe it is because both families almost made the move themselves in the 60s then pulled out at the last moment.

Nic

[Timbo]

Glenda. Your post made me sooo angry. How dare he try and dictate how you live your lives. You are better off without relis like that altogether.

[Hannah-NL]

On the other hand, I have to tell about my step-mother in law. (Hubby's mom and dad have both passed away).
When she heard of our plans, her first reaction was: "But I won't ever go that far on a plane!" Now she's very scared of travelling and she wont go by train or bus on her own, she was very afraid a few years ago to go by boat to the UK, she went by plane (an hour) so this is a real scarey thing for her, nothing to do with us moving. But about a week after, she called and told us about her going on a trip with her son to the USA first, a trip of about 8 hours by plane; sort of testing out if she can do that, then maybe she might be able to do the long trip to NZ one day> !!!
I NEVER expected that of her. Hubby told her she'd be halfway already when she gets there. ;)

[jan]

What a great thread.

My in-laws..... Well we can't mention ANYTHING about NZ at all!! I mean anything.
My F-I-L has refused to speak about it. The problem he has aswell is they live in a pub and soooo many people are coming in and saying ' When are they off?' My M-I-L is stood at the back of him miming NOOOOOO don't ask him.
It was explained to me that it is not necesarily us they are going to miss but the kids (12 & 7 ). We won't have changed when they see us again but they will have missed the kids growing up.
As much as I sympathise with him I must say the pressure my M-I-L is under is immense.
We had all the family over for x-mas day, he got all sullen and chose to be quiet all the duration of the day, while the rest of us partied. A mistake I would suggest.
My parents on the other hand want the best for us, but boy can I see the pain in their faces when I speak about our plans. Its THE only reason I could pull the plug on all of this. I won't but it hurts so much.

Jan xx

[Diny]

My parents on the other hand want the best for us, but boy can I see the pain in their faces when I speak about our plans. Its THE only reason I could pull the plug on all of this. I won't but it hurts so much.


I know EXACTLY what you mean by this Jan.

Diny

[foolsgold99]

Christ, reading this has really made me be thankful for what I have, some of this things in here are shocking. At the begining I was "that" scottish boy. But they realise that the most important thing is their daughters happiness, and I'm part of that deal. They are very supportitive of us in our move. My parents took it less well at the start, because they fealt they'd been cut out the process, but they've come round now as well.

Parents speaking about their childrens "duty" to them are wrong. We have a prime duty to ourselfs, and to our own children. We need to provide the best for them.

Glenda, If I may be so bold, your father-in-law is an arse, and you are much better off without him, to ignore your son would put him beyond all hope if I was in your position.

[Diny]

Trust me to get things completely cock-eyed compared to everybody else.

My inlaws are already in NZ. Reading Leslie's earlier post I can relate to alot she says.

I'm not about to go 'bad-mouthing' my inlaws, they are old and set in their ways, I'm not going to say they're right, I'm wrong or the other way round but .........

They have never accepted my 'Englishness', their number 3 son - who has outshone his siblings every step of the way, they have always been very proud of his work achievements, failed at the last post by marrying a 'bl***y Pom' ...... they will never forgive him for that. I sometimes have to smile when I read comments on this forum about how friendly and welcoming the Kiwis are ........... my inlaws blow that theory right out of the water :laugh

Folks make the natural assumption that we're moving back to NZ to be near them. Well I guess 8 hours away is alot nearer than 26+ hours so there could be some truth in that.

What I'm trying to say is that there's 2 kinds of inlaws. Those that embrace you into the family and treat you as one of thier own, or the ones who refuse to see anything good in you or what you do.

I think that the problem with some of the older inlaws is that they grew up in a time when the opportunities we have today simply weren't available to the average man in the street. They tend to view our actions as frivolous, brash and irresponsible. Maybe it's more of a 'generation gap' problem.

Diny

[Glenda]

Not meaning to hijack the thread ... just like to say thanks to those who made supportive comments re my posting. I really didn't want to write it as the whole subject leaves me feeling drained.

There is also a lot of other problems going on with FIL since we told him we were emigrating which I have not mentioned as I doubt anyone would really believe me. He is talking a lot of **** and we know it, but it is still very stressful and scary. I very nearly took the kids to NZ last month just to get away, but hubby needs my support with his business and the house has to be sold etc.

I think the situation is slowly getting better and he is coming to terms with it. However, we will all really be soooooooo glad when June comes.

:cheers

[kwisstan]

just want to say thanks to eveyone for replying.

I'm getting my wife to sit down and read them, but thankfully her parents have taken their fingers off the pressure points for now.

[Hayden1002]

God, I feel so lucky. My mum lives in Canada and Sarah's mum lives in Portugal. Neither off them can give us grief as they have both done what we are hoping to do. My mum has been gone 3 years, Sarah's has been gone over 20!!!
I think my sister will be the one giving me hell, but such is life....she'll get over it. :hopeso

[Diny]

Yesterday we went to lunch at mum & dads. I'd printed off some properties from the Realenz site to show them the kind of thing we'll be looking for.

Mum then told me that she really wished that they were emigrating too. Said that if they had the same chance when they were our age they would have done it. If they didn't still have 3 kids, several grand kids and other family members, plus friends in this country, they would sell up and come too.

Made me feel a whole lot better ... especially when they said that they were planning on coming to see us in January until end of March. I'll be seeing more of them than I do now :nice1

Diny

[Glenda]

FIL actually spoke to us for a few minutes last night. :eek

A few weeks ago he lost his front door keys. Last night he threw stones at our window to wake us up ... he had lost his other keys. We have a spare set and gave that to him. Then ensued an argument about having to change his locks ... he just wants to put his key under a flowerpot by his door. :uhoh

Anyone else with a aged clingy parent who is aggressive and becoming unreliable? One begins to wonder whether we are cruel to leave him.
:uhoh

[kiwidollie]

Not cruel Glenda.

Your first responsibility is to yourself and your husband and children.

You have nothing to feel guilty about as far as I can see. In fact, you sound to me like a very fair and caring person. Shame your FIL did not appreciate you before!

His loss.

Keep ya chin up :yes

[sarahw]

Gosh - this thread has made us realise how lucky we are!

We don't have kids so that makes things 100 times easier! But, Ian's Dad has been really good about us moving and has said if he was our age he'd be doing the same thing (so did his wife) - we thought this was terribly good of him seeing as his only daughter left the UK to move to Australia in November, and we announced at her leaving do in October that we'd be leaving just after Xmas. You can see that he was sad but he never said anything to be selfish. What a lovely Dad!

My parents, well, they were recording Billy Connolly on the TV when he was in NZ and have indicated that when my Dad retires they'll come out & spend the UK winter in NZ! They couldn't wait for us to get over here really!!! They always knew I'd leave the UK after I went travelling around Aussie on my own at the age of 19 & have spent the last few years working for American companies that indicated I would have been required me to move to USA or Switzerland on many occassions. They have said that we've opened up more opportunitites for them in their old age and that although they won't ever move away from my brother & his kids, they may buy a house & spend some months every year in NZ.

I am very thankful that our parents have been so great - I have heard some horror stories and I think that sometimes parents think that the decision to leave the country is personal to them and I can understand how hard it must be to say goodbye not only to their kids but their grandkids which are probably what their world revolves around! When they actually see what opportunities it can give to their kids & grandkids I hope that'll help.

Good luck to all of you in a difficult situation :hopeso

[kiwidollie]

What a lovely post SarahW. :clap

[Moorf]

It's funny how parents and grandparents can change their tune once you have been here a while and they see how happy you are and what a beautiful place we live in. :yes

My grandparents are now looking for properties out here after saying they'd never make the trip and my parents and I are already looking at the sponsorship option after they both agreed they too would love to retire here :nice1

[Babette & Andy]

Hope this will make you all laugh - as that's how it's intended :yes don't read it if you've got a 'serious head on' ;)

With my final day at work approaching, a senior director sent me an article in the internal mail. Very touched I read the headline:
""Relive the moment they went away forever with: Mum, I'm moving to New Zealand" - from the Heartbreak Mint's 'Special Moments' series""

Gosh, how nice of him I thought, little did I know until I read the article. I will copy some of the content to give you a general idea:

Commemorate the unforgettable feelings that swelled in your heart as your son or daughter announced that they were moving to the other side of the world and never coming back with this elegantly crafted collector's plate.

A wave from the baby, now just a distant memory separated by an ocean of tears. (please read on, don't cry :laugh )

Every time you look at the plate (with a photograph of your family leaving) you'll be filled with thoughts of your only child and their family, growing up, barely remembering you.

Price: £499 or just £4.99 in 100 hard-to-remember installments.

... the plate is a magical 5 feet in diameter, and is guaranteed to dominate any room. Handcrafted by the Great Stromboli once fitted, it will be practically impossible to ignore, and even harder to move.

It goes on and on, but hopefully you've got the gist - it's a severe piss take found in the latest issue of Viz magazine (I've tried to find a link, but you have to be a member). It has had Andy in tears, laughing that is :laugh :laugh I will bring it along to the 2nd April NW meet.

Please don't take it to heart too much, but also definately don't show it to parents / in-laws who are giving you a hard time :mrgreen:

I'll go now . . .

Babette

[Diny]

BRILLIANT

[kiwidollie]

Excellent!

I'd love to get my Mother in Law one.


Ooh that's not nice - I take it back (not really whispered very quietly). :mrgreen:

[Moorf]

:laugh I've got the visual/scan of that - I can email it to anyone who wants it - my brother emailed it to me a while back and threatened to send it to our parents!! :?