[AmyTrQ]

We came to New Zealand just over a year ago. Hubby, me and 13 yr old boy. I think we’ll have to go back to the UK but neither hubby or I want to. We both love it here and know we’ll be miserable if we have to go back. But our son hasn’t been able to settle. He hasn’t really made any friends and is becoming more and more withdrawn. All he want to do is go back to the rest of his family in the UK and to be with his old friends again. He speaks to his old pals by phone and internet. We’ve tried to get him to join things here like sports clubs or boy scouts but he won’t. He just seems to close himself off in his room. For his sake we can’t see anything else to do but go back. I don’t know if anyone else has been in this position? Can you help me with some advise? We think its right to put our sons happiness first but we know that at our ages if we go now we’ll never be able to come back and that’s hard to bear.

[TheBigSaxon]

That's a tough one. A part of me wants to say wait it out, kids are resilient and he'll cope. But it can be tough till they get through it.

Another thought is this: If he does stay homesick for the UK, you have to think of the likelihood that he may move back to the UK when he turns 18 or 19 years old. Think about that and if him going back how that would make you feel.

TBS

[elleann]

Speaking as an RN, and without knowing you son at all, it sounds to me as if he might be suffering from an adjustment disorder and is becoming depressed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjustment_disorder

Perhaps he needs more support than just being with family and joining a few clubs is able to offer him? At thirteen, he's probably dealing with all sorts of other issues as well - onset of puberty, identity issues, needing to belong, which have been compounded by the loss of his old life and friends - ie loss of the place where he felt secure in himself. I would strongly suggest finding him some kind of therapeutic support where he can process all the issues he is struggling with - loss of old life, loss of old identity etc - and where he can develop some good coping skills to help him make the adjustment to life in a new country.

On a personal note: when I got divorced, my kids lives changed as radically as if I'd moved them to a foreign country and my pre-teen son responded with depression, anger, rage, loss of self-esteem etc etc. As much as I tried to help him adjust, what he needed was some therapy. Spending time processing (in play therapy) those issues in a place where he could be himself and express himself without fear of alienating and losing me as a parent (ie he developed a trust relationship with the therapist) helped him over a period of some months, and he gradually returned to normal.

Just a thought! (And a few months of therapy would be less expensive and life-shattering for all of you than packing up and moving back again!)

[willsken]

I really feel for you. My son also had a really hard time settling and we had to deal with a very angry young man for quite a while. He was also just 13 when we arrived. It was hell for quite a while.

I know you feel you must put him first but think very carefully before you give it all up and go back, especially as you are both happy here. There is more than just him in the family. I agree with the previous poster about the therapy idea. He needs help to adjust and put it all into perspective. Is he not making any friends at school? I know this is when things started turning around for my son. He's 15 now and very happy here. It just took him longer to come to terms with the move than it did us and my youngest son.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to.

[NikT]

think very carefully before you give it all up and go back, especially as you are both happy here. There is more than just him in the family.

I agree, stick it out.
Teenagers eh?? We were all one once!:wah

Also from us, please don't hesistate to PM us if you need anything.


Nick & Caron.:cheers

[willsken]

Amy, I've just had another thought. Does he know you are thinking of going back? Does he feel that by behaving in this way there is even a remote possibility he will get his way and you'll all head back? I've worked with teenagers for years and they can be very manipulative. I know Matt was when we first arrived. The one thing I always told him, no matter what way he behaved, is that the move was for good and we were never heading back. I told him I would do anything else to ease things for him but as his parents we decided to come to NZ because we believed he'd (we all) would have a better life here. For kids of his age a lot of it comes down to them accepting things and if he even has the slightest hint that you'll bow to pressure then they are amazing in how long they can remain stubborn on a point.

At the end of the day, you know your son better than anyone, the way I knew mine. He wasn't given a choice in coming to NZ in the first place and he wasn't given a choice in whether we were going to stay. :)

[kerrijeansmith]

I was 15 when our family moved to Canada and it was so hard. I really hated my parents for putting me through it. It's why we're doing this move now (4 kids, oldest is 9) before things get too tough as they're older. Good luck, and you've had great suggestions here. Talking to a school counsellor helped me.

Kerri

[Hippywench]

One more thing to think about - if you were to go back does your son realise that his friends' lives will have moved on without him? He wouldn't be going back to same 'life' he left and will quite possibly suffer 'reverse culture shock'.

Even if he were to fit straight back in to his old life without difficulty there will come a time when school will be over, at least some of his friends will likely move away and life will move on regardless of any sulks on his part!

I think you'd be doing him more of a favour in the long term by stayng put and forcing him to deal with the situation. Therapy/counselling of some sort is a vey good idea.

There is always the possibility that he will decide to move back to the UK when he is old enough. Only you know how you'd feel about that, but this would be his choice and he would be doing it without forcing you to live a lifestyle you don't like and reduce your own options in the process.

[seattle]

One more thing to think about - if you were to go back does your son realise that his friends' lives will have moved on without him? He wouldn't be going back to same 'life' he left and will quite possibly suffer 'reverse culture shock'.

Even if he were to fit straight back in to his old life without difficulty there will come a time when school will be over, at least some of his friends will likely move away and life will move on regardless of any sulks on his part!

I think you'd be doing him more of a favour in the long term by stayng put and forcing him to deal with the situation. Therapy/counselling of some sort is a vey good idea.

There is always the possibility that he will decide to move back to the UK when he is old enough. Only you know how you'd feel about that, but this would be his choice and he would be doing it without forcing you to live a lifestyle you don't like and reduce your own options in the process.

Hippywench has a good point here. When we lived in Europe- my oldest daughter (13) constantly emailed, called her old friends etc. right up until the last week before we moved back. There was nothing in her conversations that would indicate her relationships had "changed". However, things got "weird" when we got back- her friends didn't welcome her back as she would have expected. Luckily she found another group of friends- but it was a tough time as they were kids that she had been friends with since she was 6 years old. Maybe this transition would have happened whether we had moved or not...its hard to say. But they had definitely moved on without her.

[JandM]

Hello, Amy.

I'm very sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through. I'm a former teacher, Mum and now Granny, and I think the same as all those people who have posted above.

Although, while you're going through it, your own or your children's childhood seems endless, it is actually a brief period of years. Your son is 13, and that means that he is nearing the end of his period of dependency on you. In less than five years, when he turns 18, he will be free to make all his own decisions, and in fact, he'll probably take up the reins of a lot of things before that. And you owe yourselves some consideration, too. So on the one hand, he hasn't long to wait to please himself, and on the other, it would be a great shame to throw over everything you have planned for and made come to pass, for the sake of such a short timespan. All adolescents have it in them to change enormously over the teenage years, and I feel that the best thing you can do is to get help for your son come to terms with all aspects of life (not just your emigration) - being able to compromise and plan ahead are important skills for adult life, after all.

[thewoodies]

when my DD1 (now 17) was 13 she played up and threatened all sorts because i was re marrying and moving away and this meant she would have to change schools - i made sure she moved to a really lovely school and blew my life savings sending her there - knowing that she would be in a caring environment - i nearly didnt marry my husband because she played up so much and i felt torn (i am a teacher) every day for months i went into the staff room in the morning and sobbed!:wah One of the older more experienced teachers (and a mu of older kids)sat me down when i said i didnt think i could do it to my daughter etc etc - she pointed out that i was giving her a brilliant opportunity and that she would thank me in the long run!

- NOW DD1 says she wouldn't want to live back there and it the best thing we did! etc etc aaargh

-she now wants to move to nz but has put us through hell!(see my 18 weeks to go thread!)

I personally would stick with nz as in my experience teenagers change their mind all the time and they push you to the limit to see where the limit is - my daughter has actually recently told me she likes it when i stand up to her because it shows i care !!!! I think they like rocks. Dont give up on your dream as someone else on this thread said teenagers are very manipulative - you could get back and he might decide he wants to be in nz afterall!!!:exit

[doowrehsij]

Wow, that sounds really tough and I think there has been some truley excellent advice here.

One thing that I would mention, is about the communcation over the internet to his old friends.

The internet is such a great invention, but also a bad one as it can make a lot of people become withdrawn from the world, as the communicate between people is only really one through people's head.... i.e. you are switching from talking, listening and interpreting people's body language to this vegative thinking state.

I personally believe that this absence of communication can take away some of the fruits of life and lead to withdrawn behaviour andyour son may not have opened his eyes to NZ.

Now, I'm not saying cut it... because that would probably be the worst thing to do! But perhaps progress with the clubs idea and try to reduce tinternet time.

I would also agree with other posts and remember at the age of 13 (as adult your son may seem), at that age he is still a child going into a yonug adult and you should make the decisions that you think are best for him.

Either way, good luck!

PS - I realise the irony communcating via this post ;)

[AmyTrQ]

Thank you all so much for caring and your advice. We took it onboard and had a long talk with our son. He's admited to us that he's been having a bit of hassle at school all year with people giving him the cold shoulder so although schools over now we've arranged to see a school managers to talk about what's been going on. I'll keep you up to date with what happens.

[JandM]

Thank goodness he's started talking about what's going on - a problem shared is a problem halved, two heads are better than one, etc.. All the best with sorting him out a coping strategy.

[AmyTrQ]

I'm glad he is talking about it. The trouble is if people are mistrating you you often blame yourself and feel ashamed to talk about it. That's what we're moving on from now.

[willsken]

Amy, that was part of the problem for Matt as well. We dealt with it and that was the starting point in him being able to settle. Speak to the school but also make sure you take the time every day to talk to your son about how school has gone. Be very insistent with the school, don't let them take too long to deal with the problem. I also think that trying to encourage your son to join clubs etc will help in the long run as that may help him to make friends. Once he makes even one friend you will see a huge difference in him.

[doowrehsij]

Thank goodness he's started talking about what's going on - a problem shared is a problem halved, two heads are better than one, etc.. All the best with sorting him out a coping strategy.

Too true.

I'm pleased you're moving forward with this! Clubs are probably a good idea - all the kids together will probably focus on an activity, whereas in the school yard they have free time and find their own social groups / hierarchy. School is tough.

...but I'm sure you'll see the product of these tests of character in years to come. Keep going!

[vimaino]

Amy,

I think people have shown great opinions and that they're all valid.

Moving and changing a life is already complicated for adults and many will eventually fell like needing some therapy at least! So I'd really recommend some, not just for him, but for family too.

If your son starts feeling comfortable talking about his adjustment issues with you and your husband, it'll make it easier for you all to suppress whatever he feels like he's lost while moving to NZ.

But as said before, don't let him know that moving back is an option, otherwise he'll continue acting this way till he wins. And, as far I as understand this is a family of 3 and decisions must be made for the good of all ... and if you decided (together) to leave behind UK and everything you've ever known, there's probably a very plausible reason for it.

My point o view: Try everything!

Try therapy, try joining clubs, try sports, try anything your son shows some interest. But try it all together. Right now, all the friends he needs is you and your husband!

I really hope it works out for you guys!!


Cheers!

Vi*