[matt]

Hi all
Its been quite a while since Ive wrote on the forum page but I still follow the letters that are posted.
We have now been in NZ for 2 1/2 years for us this is home, we may go back to the UK to visit but I think thats all it would be. We have recently had friends come to visit and then had family out over Christmas and the New year. After they left. Im left with this feeling that somethings not right. Its really quiet around the house but for the last 10 days its like a big grey cloud is sat over me.
Have others expeirenced this feeling after friends and family have stayed and :exitgone back to their homes? Does it last long?
Any advise to shake the cloud would be welcomed :cheers

[JandM]

I don't think there's anything abnormal in what has happened to you. The grey cloud is that you miss them now they've gone again. You probably didn't think as deeply about their absence when you first got to NZ, in all the demands of getting settled, but now you've been reminded how much you like their company. It's not that you're not strong and perfectly able to manage - it's just that you're human, one of the basic pleasures of life has just been pulled away from you, and it hurts.

I don't think it ever stops hurting (8 years and counting). It lifts, and then comes back, and lifts again. It sneaks up on you when you're not expecting it. But there are things that you can do about it, e.g. webcam sessions, phone calls, emails, sharing photos, all help you to feel not cut off from their life going on, and sharing your life with them. Never mind if you or they haven't been much of one for this before - people can learn. (Being in touch can hurt, too - just to warn you. They've been doing something that you would have been in the middle of, and that 'absent friends' thing suddenly stabs, just when you're laughing at all the smiling faces in the pictures. I keep telling myself it's a good hurt.)

Next thing - feeling depressed when you're not used to it is unpleasant, but it's not an illness when there's a reason for it. You need to accept that the hurt is there, but then look past it. There are good, ordinary life things happening around you all the time, but you mustn't be tricked into ignoring them. Look for the good stuff and take time to be pleased about it, with the people who are with you - it's not their fault that they're not the ones you're missing.

And - don't let the grey cloud stop you from doing things. Push yourself. Arrange to do whatever is your normal thing, AND some extra treats, and when you're doing them, concentrate on the moment, and make sure you get the absolute most out of the experience. No drifting off into gloom, and also, there will be that much more to share when you next are in touch.

[dusk]

somne good advice there, well posted :)