[Alan]

Well we have now been here for nine months and generally really enjoy it. We have also done a lot of things that we would never have thought of doing before like so many other people on the forum, however I would like to see if anyone has any words of wisdom for us regarding our children.

We have two sons aged 9 and 12, who have generally adapted well. My older son however left primary school in the UK (Year 6) and then started here with one term left in Year 7 and of course is now half way through Year 8.

He has without doubt found the transition at school very very difficult as he has not only made the physical move but has moved to a higher level school, with new people, new friends, new methods of doing things and on top of that has jumped almost a year!

Our younger has had similar issues but has a little time on his side to find his bearings and get orientated unlike our older son who has High School looming, and I think he can see the avalanche coming. This I believe after speaking to him this morning has all contributed to a lack of feeling like he belongs.

Has anyone else been through this after coming to NZ and what ways have you found of helping relieve the pressure and making the transition easier?

[Arwen]

Hi there Alan. :)

First and foremost, I am very sorry to hear about the difficulties facing your son, and hope he starts to feel settled very soon.

My eldest son was in exactly the same position as your eldest son when we first arrived in NZ. He was fairly fresh out of his UK primary school and joined an NZ intermediate school at Year 7 in October.

At first he was like a fish out of water, and found it quite hard to settle, especially in light of the fact that my two youngest children were in primary school together, so had each other for company.

My eldest son is 'quite a character', and when faced with change, puts on a mask and acts like a clown!! Fantastic for making friends, not so good for impressing teachers. :roll

For him, the thing that made the transition smoother was having friends. As many as he could make. Luckily for him, the kids at this school were not 'clickey' and were quite prepared to let him into their circle. It's nice because they still call out to him when they see him in town, even though he is not at the same high school as them. :)

As soon as I got to know some of the more, shall we say, 'desireable' types of friends my son had made, we started to regularly invite them round to the house, so that they could become better bonded and thus help my son feel more like he 'belongs'.

It might be helpful if your son could seek out friends who will be going to the same high school as him. Then perhaps arrange to socialise with these friends out of school hours or during the holidays. Children can get through a lot if they feel they belong to a group of like-minded peers. Perhaps they could go to the odd after school club togther etc etc.

Essentially this is a problem faced by lots of children, whether changing schools in their own country or abroad. People are new, things are different and routines change. I reminded my son of this when he kept coming out with the "oh if I was in the UK it would be like this and that". I told him that he would still have been met with the challenge of making different friends in his new high school and that that would take time just as it does here.

My primary aim as a parent facing this with my son was to be as accomodating to his needs as possible. If he requested mates over for sleepovers, I would allow it and if he wanted x number of friends at his birthday party, then they would all be invited.

In the end only two of his mates from his intermediate school ended up in the same high school as him!!!! However, that was enough to make him feel settled and confident and the three of them faced all the new situations together. Now when we go to watch him play football or some other event at his school, "hiya" (and his name) is called out by so many different kids and teachers, that I lose count!!!!!!

He'll be ok Alan. Try not to worry. It's still only nine months - early days.

Hope this has helped. :nice1

[Kanga]

Nice post from Avalon there :)

I didn't have these problems but I wondered when reading your post whether your son has any strong interests outside of school? If he doesn't it might be a great way for him to adopt an interest where he can meet kids NOT from school and help him to settle.

I think school is tough for kids at the best of times Alan, because it's a high pressure (socially) environment that rarely brings out the best in kids, so it's no wonder kids can find it tough to feel they 'belong' when they change country. My older daughter has coped with school by balancing it with a continuous interest in Girl Guides and Suzuki violin, both of which involve camps, regular meets and a shared interest. She goes through phases with other clubs and interests too but those two I think have the most value for providing 'perpsective' and 'balance' to the pressure cooker of school society.

[Arwen]

Nice post from Avalon there :)

It's me Arwen, not Avalon Kanga. I guess they both begin with 'A'. :laugh:laugh

[Alan]

Thanks guys, and this shows why forums are so useful because now I don't feel that it is something so unusual.

He does a lot outside of school already, he plays football with a few friends from school and is looking to do some other things.

Arwen, you are spot on about socialising rather than perhaps working as well as he might, and this is causing some extra pressure to come on him from the teachers. I guess it is just a matter of time, it just worries you when you know there may be more pressure coming at high school.

Thank you so much, and feel free to add anything more.

[Kanga]

It's me Arwen, not Avalon Kanga. I guess they both begin with 'A'. :laugh:laugh


Oh jeepers- sorry! :o

Alan- my daughter also focuses on getting the social side of things sorted first and I guess that's to be expected, although not ideal from for all the reasons you and ARWEN (!) mention. She's moved school far more often than is ideal but the upshot is that we *know* it takes her about a year to get completely settled into a new school and I guess this is why teachers say the first year of high school for many kids is pretty much a right-off from an academic perspective. Hope he starts to feel more settled soon :)

[russetoak]

HI Alan,

firstly can I say my thoughts are with you on this one as we have experienced the same thing. Younger son 8 settled much quicker than older son.
My 11 year old had big difficulties settling in. We have been here 11 months and he is just starting to gain some confidence. This has come through Skateboarding, and also inviting friends back after school. This is sometimes at a moments notice but if it helps him we've let him do it. As he's not into Soccer or Rugby we had to find other things to involve him with.
I hope he settles soon and his transition to College next year goes smoothly.:)

[Arwen]

Hi Alan :)

It's also worth bearing in mind that attending intermediate school before college/high school here in NZ can really help children make a smoother transition to higher level education. In the UK once you're fresh out primary school the prospect of high school is incredibly daunting, because it is so different to what you have been used too.

I think that the intermediate years 7 to 8 are the equivalent of the first two years of a UK high school anyway. Similarities include diversity of subjects, different teachers for different subjects and the general basic introduction to the secondary curriculum.

When my eldest (now 14) started his high school, he found that many aspects of high school life were pretty similar to his intermediate school. Expectations are going to be higher, but they are not tested to death here in NZ and on the whole, seem less stressed as a result.

Alan I'm glad your son is busy building up his social network, and yes in these early days when children are trying to fit in, it will be at the expense of really 'knuckling down' to schoolwork. When he does eventually go to high school he will be on a level footing with all his mates. They will all be learning the same thing and starting at the beginning. I found as my son matures, his emphasis is much more on getting the best results he can as he feels comfortable within his group of friends and no longer has the need to 'prove himself'. I bet this will happen for your son too.

Best of luck. ;)

[Arwen]

Oh jeepers- sorry! :o

No problem. ;):nice1

[Tia Maria]

I think the fact that you recognise what a big change this is for him is half the battle. I can suggest a few ideas to try which some of my friends have found helpful with older children, which you may or may not, already be doing:

1) Find something he is good at and let him do it often, it doesn't matter if its drawing or soccer, its a pure self esteem builder. Even better if he can do it with his peers and be in a situation where he feels like he measures up well.

2) Ask him if there is something he wants to help him feel more settled. I know that it sounds a bit like you're buying him but it could be that a trampoline, or new skateboard or camera etc could give him a boost. Just like an adult might go for a massage or buy a gadget.

3) Kanga's idea of doing an activity with non-school people is a good one. One, it increases his chances of meeting someone he really clicks with and two it allows him to try out being someone else if he wants. Also its always good for children to have friends not connected to school in case they have a falling out with their school friends.

4) If he's shy then consider joining something together. Maybe both learn how to sail, or join the local tennis club etc.

5) If he's feeling under pressure at school try computer learning at places like Kip McGrath or get a tutor who can help him transition from the UK way of doing things to the NZ way of doing things. I have several freinds who emigrated here and regretted where their child ended up academically and all chose for their children to drop down a level and its worked really well for them. However, you'd have to check he'd still have friends and isn't mortified at the idea.

In the end I'd say the most important things you are trying to achieve are a couple of close friends and for him to feel like he is coping with school work, the rest should follow after that. Of course then you'll just have the normal growing up process to deal with.

Cheers

Tia

[Alan]

Of course then you'll just have the normal growing up process to deal with.

Cheers

Tia

It was all going so well until that point, but isn't that the truth!! :D :D

Seriously though thanks for all that there are some things there for me to think about.

I have already said that at the weekend we are going to Bunnings and getting him all the bits he needs to make one of the shipping crates into a go kart next weekend, and he can invite a mate or mates around.

[Arwen]

Good on ya Alan. You sound like a truely wonderful father. :nice1

I wish I had a father who cared so much. Your kids are very lucky. ;)

[JandM]

Of course then you'll just have the normal growing up process to deal with.Exactly right, and like other posters have said, there's no guarantee that he wouldn't be feeling more or less the same if he was back in the UK. It's something worth repeating to children, which often they don't realize from their limited experience, that EVERYBODY keeps having to make new starts throughout their lives - new school, new job, new club, new house, new boss, new interest. Everybody feels unsettled about changes and has to cope, even if they cover up well and you can't tell their feelings from the outside - adults get more used to this so they don't make such a big thing of it, but they still have to get through the process each time.

[Alan]

Just a quick update. After having a chat with said young man and pointing out that we if he truly unhappy we'd look at changing, even going back to the UK, he said he wanted to give it more time.

Now he feels far more settled, he said the other day that he can ask people for help and they help him no probs. He's off to the area cross country tomorrow, and in October he's going with the school to Melbourne.

The next year he has high school and he is about to start playing tennis too, so all in he seems like a happy bunny, and I would just like to thank you guys for the reassuring words of wisdom!!!

PS
He never did do the go kart he was too busy playing football!!

[JandM]

This is good news - glad it's all working out.

[Helsandfamily]

Thanks for the update - Really good to hear!!!

[Arwen]

That's fantastic news Alan. So pleased to hear that your son is starting to feel much more settled. :nice1

Brilliant, I'm really pleased for you all!!! :clap

[nickiware]

My son took ages to settle 4yrs ago, crying, holding on to me being dragged off by teachers, so 4 yrs on and I am doing it again! this time he will only have 1 term of yr 6 left in NZ before starting intermediate, preparing for the longhaul.