[Kalla]

hi everyone

sorry, i just have to get this off my chest and have a bit of a rant.

everyone we've told about our move to nz has been so positive and supportive. Not one person has said a negative thing to us - and about 90% of people have said they wished they were doing it too!

I am really excited about the move and really need the support of my friends however, my best friend is really being negative and horrible about our move. She keeps telling me about people she's known who moved to South Island who hated it and how I'll miss the sunshine and how cold it will be in winter and how terrible it will be to start all over again and have no friends and how aweful my husband is for making me move to the other side of the world. (Totally irrational as it was actually MY idea to try to move to New Zealand.)
Whatever I say she has a negative comment to counterbalance it!

I know this is coming from a place of sadness because she will miss me (as I will miss her) and maybe part of it is jealousy or hurt that I'm leaving her - I know she doesn't mean it but the horrible part is that it is making me not want to spend the next few weeks around her because I can't take another negative comment. This is sad because I only have 5 weeks left and I know I'll regret having these feelings when I'm gone and missing her, but I feel like I can't even bring up our move now with her for fear of her droning off into a monologue about how aweful New Zealand is. URGH!!!

thanks - got it off my chest. Has anyone else had any negative friends or relatives? Did they come around after a while? i don't want to break the friendship and hope to stay in touch with her while in New Zealand but at this rate - I might not be able to.

[Duncan74]

I kind of wish we'd got a bit of that, so far everyone seems too keen to get rid of us, although they've all invited themselves to stay!

For now then assume it's a mix of jealousy / genuine care and worry for you / sadness at you not being handy for a weekly coffee, and just use her as the friend who you DON'T talk to about NZ. In fairness than already I'm getting so used to every conversation being NZ based at home and with friends that having a few people (my parents, work colleagues) that I can't talk to about NZ is actually good for me!

[nickiware]

We went to NZ 4yrs ago, back after 2yrs, in UK for 2yrs now going back permanently. So I will be doing in to my BF twice. She is being just like you describe, just very hurt I think. Also she never has any adventurous holiday and is extremely happy in her routine and doesnt see why I shouldnt be like happy like her and not move. She is also blaming my hubby, especially after a few drinks. Things have definitely cooled between us but I have decided to remember her as the very close and good friend that she usually is. I went out of my way to keep in touch and will do so again. She has been a great support recently when my mother died. So my advice is remember the good times, dont hold it against her - be the grown up!!!

[lindreth]

ugh, that blows, I really feel for you. I had a similar problem with my mom.

Is it possible that your friend does not realize that she's being the way she's being? I think that was what happened with my mom. I got so fed up with all of her negativity that I finally said to her that she needed to stop it. I pointed out what she was doing and asked for her support. She reacted as if she had no idea she'd been negative. Whether her surprise was real or feigned, I'll never know, but it didn't matter because she changed her attitude after that. The negative comments all but stopped and she seemed to make a real effort to be happy for us - she is certainly not NZ's biggest fan, but it's world's better than it was.

If you haven't spoken to her about this, you might try it. I would imagine that a good friend would want to shape up and start being a friend again. good luck!
lindsay

[globetrecker]

We had this same response from several family members. A few friends were a little "cool" towards hearing the news due to possible jealousy because New Zealand does conjure up visions of LOTR, Narnia and stunning scenery. Many were excited and couldn't believe we were actually doing something that most people only dream about. I think you explained it well in saying: "I know this is coming from a place of sadness because she will miss me (as I will miss her) and maybe part of it is jealousy or hurt that I'm leaving her." I think it is just that way with some people who protect themselves because they are feeling sad, hurt or even abandoned by a loved one who is moving on to something exciting. They might feel would become too busy with the adventure that they'll forget their friends or family. So to come across as negative or challenge your decision is their way of dealing with loss or perhaps jealosy.

I had several people be very critical and even outrightly questioned my love for my family (why would we move to NZ if we loved our family, didn't we like them, won't you miss them, you are doing such an odd thing, what if you fail). The worse critisism came from the people who haven't traveled much and really enjoy just living in the same town they grew up in and never leaving or getting out of their comfort zone. I also had a blow up with my sister a week before moving here and we never had problems previously. In discussing this with a dear friend, she suggested that subconsciously people tend to start being negative or hurtful in order to make the upcoming seperation easier. Makes sense, looking back at the scenario.

Best of luck, let us know how things progress!:)

[dusk]

I know this is coming from a place of sadness because she will miss me (as I will miss her) and maybe part of it is jealousy or hurt that I'm leaving her - I know she doesn't mean it but the horrible part is that it is making me not want to spend the next few weeks around her because I can't take another negative comment. This is sad because I only have 5 weeks left and I know I'll regret having these feelings when I'm gone and missing her, but I feel like I can't even bring up our move now with her for fear of her droning off into a monologue about how aweful New Zealand is.

My advise would be either to sit her down and tell her that, or possibly sent her a note in a card or an email... get it out in the open with her before you both feel it is too late!

[napiers]

I know it was years ago, but when I first met my OH and had been in NZ for the best part of a year my best friend behaved in a similar way. In fact, one of the first things she said to him when he came to the UK was that he should stay and not take me away - what a welcome. She was also constantly making snide little remarks about NZ, she had never been there but travelled in Australia. She was like it because she'd miss me - she was being selfish and was probably abit jealous too. She is very different now, her life has changed alot since then, she was a trainee lawyer and very career minded. She is now married, has 4 children under 6 (1 set of twins) and hasn't worked since having her twins. I suspect that her life at the time had alot to do with how she felt too. Now, she's a useful sounding board as she is quite logical and practical.

[Kalla]

Thanks guys for all your supportive comments!

I think the only way forward is to have a talk with her and if she is as good a friend as I think she is, hopefully she will understand.

:)

[Kitten Witten]

Hello,

I feel for you, too. All the negativity is not helpful when you just want to look and move forward with lots of excitement, hope and even a bit of trepidation yourself. Had problem with my best friend here when I told her as afterwards she didn't see me, just the two of us, for about 2 months and when I did finally manage to see her on my own she told me she was "so very angry with me she couldn't even speak to me about it" :(

I think lots of the other people posting are right in that it's often coming from a place of feeling abandoned.

I think you're right (and brave) to decide to try to talk to her. It's never an easy thing to do. I am still struggling with my best friend although things will get better I think so am hoping we can get there - probably would help if I was any good at sticking up for myself :roll but am trying to understand her reaction. Although I feel if it was the other way round I would be more like one of my other close friends has been and be excited for me but also able to express a lot of sadness about missing me lots. I have that myself for people and places in the UK obviously.

Finally, if you try your best to talk to her and she doesn't change at all then don't feel guilty about just seeing if things improve when you're in NZ and if it's too much to cope with then call it a day on keeping in touch with her and at least did your best :)

[nickiware]

I just got a call saying the visas were in the passport and we can collect at anytime, my friend who I mentioned in previous post is coming around for a drink tonight and I will have to contain my excitement when I all I want to do it shout from the treetops! She was invited before the phone call ; )

[Kalla]

ah congrats! :cheers

hmmm, put the drinks on ice until you can really celebrate!

[nickiware]

Planning to fly out on 29th Aug, just need to get the house sale going through (third time lucky) and we are off, seems a bit unreal now, good luck for Invercargill, We went there for a day a couple of years ago, I don't think you could get much further away from the UK

[M-Squared]

JK&A, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having left the UK when I was 24, my mates are used to be moving around, and I never really made any truly close friends in the US, they were all pretty much my hubby's friends. god that's sad! But I digress. Yes, do talk to your friend, she's going through a sort of advance mourning of your absence, and sadness can show itself in so many different ways, a very common way being anger. Good luck sitting her down. Make a fuss over her, then go out and do something together, just the two of you, and try not to talk about NZ. I know it's difficult, though, it does get to be all-consuming! ;)