[FlyingDutchman]

I was wondering how your friends and family reacted when you told them that you were planning to emigrate to NZ, because my experience is that the reactions were mostly negative with the family and mostly positive with the friends. There are some exceptions, but not many. The thing that surprised me, was that the family members we were not so close with, reacted really enthusiastic and the family members we were close with, reacted really selfish. They said "why are you doing this to me" and only thought about their own feelings.
Do you guys have the same experience or do I just have a cr*ppy family?

[Moorf]

Initially my parents thought I was being selfish - "how can you leave now when your neices love you being around so much, they will grow up and won't know you", "why NZ, isn't Scotland far enough?" "Your grandparents will be VERY upset, you better visit them as you might never see them again, they're getting on a bit you know..." They came round eventually but I wish they would have supported us more.. I'm not a parent myself but if I was I'd want my kids to be happy and not feel guilty for doing what they want in life.... Since we've been gone they've been great though.

Grandparents said "Go for it, wish we'd done it when we had the chance but your mum cried for days so we didn't go" !! :eek

Brother/Sis-in-Law - "Cool, cheap holidays in NZ"

Friends - "Excellent, wish we could do that!" "Hmmm, wonder if we could move there too".. etc

I guess for any family it is tough to accept that your nearest and dearest are off halfway around the world... it seems so far away - hence our decision to have a "flight fund" to fly those members of the family who might find it too expensive to come here to have the opportunity.

[Diny]

Hubby and I have always made it known that one day we would return to live in NZ. After 16 years of hearing "when we live in NZ we're going to ......." the actual news of our departure (pending) didn't come as a massive shock.

Everybody has been great. There's a huge amount of sadness, and at first my sister did kind of 'shut me out' abit, but I soon realised this was through hurt and not 'snottyness'. We are a VERY close family and I can't say that the move is going to be easy.

In fact ..... I only have 2 worries about moving to NZ.

First ........ missing my family. Dad is 80 and mum is 75 so this is making things just that extra little bit difficult for me. However, like Moorf, we have incorporated a 'flight fund' into our finances so that there won't be years on end between us seeing each other. Mum & Dad are in the process of booking their flights out to see us in January and there's endless other folks all lining up for a free holiday too. The world is a smaller place these days, cheap phone calls, web cams, e-mail etc ...... I'm hoping all these factors will make things 'easy' for me.

Second........ cold houses. Can't do with them. Won't do with them. If I spend half my life savings on heating then so be it. For all the 'hardy' folk who simply bleat .... put on another jumper....... Enjoy your extra jumpers, I'll enjoy my manufactured warmth thank you very much :nice1

Have only had one real negative response to our news. It was quite funny really. One of the parents at school. Standing in the yard waiting for the kids to come out. She sidles up to me and says 'I hear you're leaving'. Then she said. 'Don't you feel guilty". When I asked what I had to feel guilty about she said 'leaving'. When I said no her one word reply was ...... 'snob'.

Not much I could say to that was there?

Diny

[Jennie & Rob]

I agree with the comment that more immediate relatives are unanimously negative. My closest friend is devastated (and I cannot bear the idea of never seeing her again so we are already planning to meet up next year). People we hardly know are positive - mostly all saying they wish they were going.
Family is the hardest thing though; we are not close to any of them but I wish we were. The truth is though, if we were, we would not be emigrating. I was close to my father and I would never have gone if he were still alive. I am sad that my children won't have close relationships with family beyond us. I am thinking of advising for "grandparents" when we have settled in NZ.

[veronica]

My mum and dad were really supportive which makes me feel guilty as they are 77 and 81. they know the reasons we are doing it and will help us all they can but my mum still has a little weepy go every now and then, because of their age and health it is a very real possibility that they won't see us again but they have not uttered one negative comment. I love them lots and speak to them at least once a fortnight

[Moorf]

Hmm ok, perhaps my parents, at 56 and 60 aren't that old afterall.... :roll:

[Hannah-NL]

Must say we have not had any negative comments yet, no one even seemed surprised that we were planning this and my parents are 81 and 80. They wanted to emigrate to SA many years ago, but never went on with the plans, they and the rest of the family are pretty positive, is what we have experienced so far. Some of them even say "oh that might be nice to do too" but I don't really see any of them emigrate as well, they like the idea of a new holiday adress tho ;) Until we have no positive outcome yet from NZQA and EOI we are not telling any friends or neighbours yet.

[kiwidollie]

My parents and 4 sisters have been very supportive but sad at the same time. We are all really close and see each other often. They've all said they'd love to come over and visit us when we're settled and Mum and Dad have just started a Computer course so they can keep in touch via emails, web cam etc.

Hubby's parents are a different story all together. His Dad understands our reasons for going so tries to be supportive, but his Mum has taken it as a personal insult - we are leaving her, therefore we do not care about her and are horrible selfish people.
:no :no
You have to do what you think is right for you and your children - but it sure ain't easy at times. :yes

[Glenda]

My parents are supportive ... they have to be really as they emigrated to NZ themselves. My sister is looking forward to a visit.

My in-laws ... well that is another matter. My poor hubby's family has been split down the middle - those supportive and those not. And it is not just quiet disapproval, it is a civil war. How dare they think that just because we are related then we should do what they tell us? It is amazing how many family members think you have been put on this earth for their benefit.

Grrrrrr ... can't go into it any more. :( No FD, you are not the only one with a cr*p*y family.

[jocalla]

Mainly negative from my family. I am very close with my sister and her 4 kids....won't say much about them,miss them terribly, it will get me started :(
My cousins etc said I was really selfish leaving my sister but eventually they came round, well to my face anyway ;)
My friends were really happy for us and like others busy planning cheap holidays.

Joanne

[Moorf]

One thing that my entire family agrees on and that is that our weblog really helps them - they can log in and see what we are up to etc at any time - they are easy to do and it's actually nice to look back over the months sometimes and see how much you've done etc :)

We use Blogger.com (see my WWW link at bottom and then follow to main page - easy to set up :nice1 )

We use the webcam alot too (with Messenger) - although that does tend to make me quite sad when I see my little neices waving madly and then looking sad when I have to turn it off and go :( )

My grandmother invested in a PC specifically to keep in touch - that REALLY surprised everyone but she loves it now that she's got used to it :nice1

[FlyingDutchman]

Really recognisable stories. We aren't really close to our family but we still have those different reactions.

My mother's parents (I'm here with my parents, I'm only 15 (almost 16 YAY, 3rd of May)) were positive and were really happy for us. Her sisters though are really selfish and they said that "we were leaving them" and one even said it was our fault if her parents would die because of our decision :eek . Fortunately she has a brother who is really enthusiastic and we are e-mailing almost everyday and we hear more of him than we did back in Holland, when we lived in the same city.

With my father's family it's kind of the other way round. His father "collapsed" when we got our visas. He was the first one who knew about our plans and knew it from the beginning (half a year ago). When we told him we could actually go and that we already bought the tickets and everything, we suddenly got a letter with him saying he didn't want to see us anymore and that we hurt him with our decision etc. etc. He was blaming us for everything. He also said that if we did want to see him before we go, he would die of it :eek .
His sisters though are like, wow that's really brave and everything and really thought about how it was for us and everything.

And all our friends were really positive, my classmates too, although some of them were like kind of blaming me I was leaving them and they were talking about "they wouldn't do it" so they don't understand the reason why I left, and when I explained they didn't really understand.

And about the weblog, my dad is already making a site on which we can put photos and stories and everything so that the people we don't have a fight with can see how we are doing.

Anyway, I'm not really the only one with a cr*ppy family *doesn't know whether to be happy or not...*

[Diny]

I was at my parents place on Tuesday afternoon. Dad was reading out aloud from his newspaper about some other situation where the victim was getting the dirty end of the stick and the 16 year old offenders were being protected and molly coddled. I commented that it just about made me sick and that kind of thing is something I definately won't miss about the UK.

My mum then told me that if they had not got all the rest of the family here in the UK they'd be coming with us. Then the usual 'confession' about how they wish they'd had the chance when they were our age etc etc.

Having a supportive family is wonderful, I don't think I'd have got this far if they were 'anti'. However, it doesn't mean that they're not sad, we will miss each other terribly and I know it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Onward and upward !!!

Diny

[Moorf]

Well, first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR THE 3RD (mine's the 15th May and even though I'm over twice your age :wah I'm excited too!!).

And wow, what great posts and sensibilities from someone so young. You don't have a crappy family, but I must say some of their comments were extreme and a insensitive. :no

Be happy with your family here - as long as you are happy and your parents are too then, in my eyes, that's what is most important. :nice1

So, you are able to drive here! What do you make of that??

[FlyingDutchman]

Thanks Moorf! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you too for the 15th!! :cheers

Some comments are extreme indeed, but I'm not worrying about it, since I'm happy here, correction: very happy here! And about the great posts, well, I gotta do something in my holidays ;)

I'm going to get my drivers license asap, well, if I don't make an accident by driving on the wrong side of the road, or not giving way to the the cars that make a long turn, or... etc. etc. :mrgreen:

[Moorf]

Hey, just a thought, but I know there are lots of people on here who are coming over to NZ and have kids - perhaps you could start a thread for them in the Lounge where you can share you experiences of moving and what you think of NZ, the schools, etc etc?? :nice1

[Bubbles]

Nice idea Moorf. I've already suggested to the kids they should put a post up on the forum and see if they can make contact with people of their own age who have already gone through the big move. I'll try and persuade them again. :nice1

John

[Bubbles]

sorry, messed up and posted twice.

[Simon & Emily]

I am thinking of advising for "grandparents" when we have settled in NZ.

We too have thought of this, as we know it's something that's quite common in the US. As they are both so young it would be great to give them the opportunity to grow close to people from the older generation - I would be interested to hear if you are able to get anywhere with this Jennie.

Regarding our family, I have to say they were generally happy for us, apart from my mother in law. She has been in tears many times, and has said she will not know what to do if we ever take them (our children) away from her. That said, she only lives an hour's drive away but never comes to see us apart from Christmas - we have to do all the travelling and its getting harder all the time now Aaron's started primary school. My father (who comes to see us at least once a week, and always has) was sad to hear the news, but told us to make the most of each and every opportunity we get - he travelled the world in the navy and immediately said he would come for many holidays. Our brothers and sisters again said 'great - cheap holidays!'.

Simon's father, who lives only 3 minutes away from us, has tried to talk him out of it, but I get the feeling that he thinks we won't really move, for whatever reason I'm not sure. Again, he never really makes any effort to see the children (or us, for that matter), and it's always us to goes to see them. ( I could see the step mil's eyes light up at the thought of cheap holidays to exotic places to impress her friends with - not that we don't get on, of course :laugh )

I can see that the family will be sad to see us move so far away, but why do they have to make us feel so guilty for wanting a better life? We have given them plenty of time to get used to it, as we told them as soon as we were selected from the pool, but neither of Simon's parents have made any effort to see more of us since then. Why try to make us feel so bad if they don't make any effort to see them (they are both retired and financially OK, so I can't see the problem).

Emily

[kiwidollie]

I know what you mean Emily.

My in-laws are both retired, they are both fit and well and have a car.

My husband works permanent nights and I work full time, yet it is always up to us to make the 20 minute journey to see them. They never come to see us or the kids, but don't think twice about making comments along the lines of "of you've remembered where we live then" if they feel it's been too long between visits!!

It really gets on my nerves. My parents come to see us regularly, as they are also both retired and do actually appreciate that it is easier for them to find time to visit etc.

When my husband first told his parents we were planning on moving to New Zealand she actually said "Oh well, I haven't had a family since you got married anyway". She then went on to say "We won't see you again then if you move to New Zealand, I shan't be making that journey".

Lovely eh? :no

[ISan]

I find it amazing how some people can react to such a personal decision in such a selfish way. I believe we should strive to do with our lives what we feel is best. And in case of emigration it will mean leaving loved ones behind, unfortunately.

I told my relatives and close friends as soon as I made the decision to start investigating emigration to NZ more seriously. And I must say all of them have been supportive so far. I know my parents don't really jump up and down with the idea of me living on the other side of the world, but they know they have raised me to make independent decisions. Amd therefore they stand by me. Friends are all positive. They see a cheap vacation address for the future. Who could blame them!

Even if it turns out in the end that NZ is not for me I at least have had the support of my family. Because face it, this is an emotional roller coaster we're all on right now.

[Simon & Emily]

It's unbelievable, isn't it. I know we try to make allowances, as life for them will carry on as normal while we start our new adventure, but even though NZ is the other side of the world, it won't be the end of the world.

With modern technology and communications, they will still be able to keep in contact with us all, even if 'its not the same as hugging them in person or sitting them on my knee'.

Our immediate family are all in good health, so, God willing, should all be able to look forward to many visits to come (as I couldn't possibly fly all that way on my own ...) from grandchildren keen to fly to England.

Still, it's never going to get any easier for any of us in reality is it? There will always be problems with uprooting your whole family to the other side of the world.

Emily

[Bubbles]

I know my parents don't really jump up and down with the idea of me living on the other side of the world, but they know they have raised me to make independent decisions. And therefore they stand by me..

You've hit the nail squarely on the head with that statement. :nice1

John

[Diny]

You've hit the nail squarely on the head with that statement

You got in before me John.

Exactly right ISan .......... that's how it is with my folks too.

Diny

[jubjub]

We have got both approaches, the "how could you leave me, we wont come and see you all that way" side of things, and the other side who are more supportive, even though they are not over the moon, they realise it is our decision, and we have not rushed into it impulsively, although they have said they are unlikely to make the "trek", but I have a feeling they may just do it.

The situation is not at all helped by the fact we have recently found out I am pregnant, and we have also had the "I will never see my grandchild"

Its very hard on everyone concerned, but when it comes down to it, you can't live your life for other people, as harsh as it sounds those people won't be around forever and you are then left with nothing, but the "what if feeling"

[kiwidebs]

We've been really lucky. I'm moving 'home' so my family of course are thrilled that we are moving closer (and they were really supportive when I packed up and headed to the other side of the world eight years ago - of course, they (and I) thought I was only going for a two year working holiday!).
Hubby's family have been brilliant even though we know they are going to miss the kids. MIL is already planning her six month sojourn to NZ (I think she's kidding?). It helps that we live five hours drive away so they only see us a few times a year - I think if we lived around the corner it would be a different matter.

Debs

[MB]

Both sides of the family are being supportive, but they are very sad that we -- especially their little grandson -- will be a long way from them. My own parents are 'used' to us being thousands of miles away, yet now we're moving even further from them. On the other hand my wife's parents here in the US are accustomed to having their only grandchild nearby. So it is rather hard for all of us.

Personally, and almost certainly because I now have a little boy of my own, it sometimes feels uncomfortable for me to be the child of my parents right now because I am making a choice that is directly causing them to be upset or at least ambivalent... upset or ambivalent in a way that, as a dad, I now begin to understand.
Being a parent and an agent of change, rather than a 'subject' of it, is a role that feels noble but also responsible.

It would be plain charming, if it were not also a pretty astonishing piece of human architecture, that even as little Winston moves away from being a vulnerable wee baby I love him if anything more intensely every day. So I feel that my own parents (his grandparents) are being deeply loving in their struggle to be happy for us while at the same time being very sad...'cos though neither I nor he are babies any more, we're still their (grand)babies.

I hope that a side effect of the above is not that some other forum members think "I only wish it were such an essentially kind-hearted struggle for my family..."
I hope this because what we're all talking about here is families' love, not families' likes, and it's usually the brute power of that love that is behind unkind or impatient reactions. Most, if not all, such behaviours will be reconciled or squared away in time.

NZ is what we really want to do and what we think is right for us. Travel and keeping in touch are cheaper, cleverer and faster than they have ever been. Focusing on these factors is a real and tremendous strength. :nice1

[Hannah-NL]

Good idea Moorf, about posting a "kids" thread in the Lounge.
Our oldest is also 15 years old, and will be allowed to drive a car in NZ already,
after we get there and he gets a drivers license of course :eek
Right now he uses a bike to get to his school everyday (15 km's away)

[jan]

I have what I think is a sensible 12yr old.
But perish the thought of a 15 yr old behind the wheel of a carhttp://tcwozere.co.uk/smileys/seeingstars.gif

I'm hoping he might forget his 15th birthday! :laugh Not likely

jan xx

[Carol]

Very similar reactions.
My own mum and dad were devastated.
We had their only grandchildren who were then 7 and 4 and we took them away.
To be honest - the year before we cam and the year afterwards were the two worst years of my life.
I wouldnt go through it again for anything.

On top of that - mum had had a collapsed lung - had never flown ever - and was therefore SERIOUSLY worried about doing so.
So when we left it was literally........"Goodbye - we'll never see you again"

But.....


She amazed me and DID come - 3 years ago.
with dad - and my brother and family.
And they do now know why we are here and (quite funny really) wont have a single word said against New Zealand.

She did however admit to me while we were home in January that my brother having his two s "saved her life" as she would have died from a broken heart.
Talk about a guilt trip!

Flying Dutchman...........I LIKE your style.
Would love toput you in touch with my son Scott who is also almost 16 (in June). He doesnt come on here but gets on MSN quite a bit.......

Carol

[xanctus]

For us..there are two reactions from families and friends.
Some of my siblings here in the states kind of negative about it, because they think that it will be "square one" kind of thing again for us. Meaning, that we will have to adjust the new life, new friends, and many more aspects. Whereas here we are actually quite settle down actually. Also they were questioning us, if we end up don't like it in NZ??

Other family in backhome, very happy and excited. Because the fact it is so much closer (so that they can visit and we can come home more often) the last time I went home was quite nearly 3 yrs straight.

Friends, some of them are very supportive and some of them are very negative. Saying such as, why NZ? are you trying to be a shepperd?? and in response of that kind of question usually I say, "As long as make me rich, I don't care!" :laugh

so yeah, it's quite 50-50...

[FlyingDutchman]

Hey, just a thought, but I know there are lots of people on here who are coming over to NZ and have kids - perhaps you could start a thread for them in the Lounge where you can share you experiences of moving and what you think of NZ, the schools, etc etc?? :nice1
I just started a kids thread in the Lounge, called the Youth Only Zone, so check it out :nice1.

[Moorf]

Yep, saw that F/Dutchman.. :nice1 :nice1

Let's hope some of the forum members' kids use it and start posting (but obviously with the time difference they won't find it for a few hours yet!)

Moorf

[FlyingDutchman]

So it's waiting till it's night here... hopefully there some replies when I wake up. :smile

[Moorf]

Or perhaps the weekend :nice1 It's 10.15pm in the UK at the moment so I assume most of them are in bed (wish I was, it's freezing here today and my duvet is beckoning me!). :?

[FlyingDutchman]

We'll see when the first message will arrive. Fortunately it's weekend :nice1
Here in Auckland the weather is okay, but in Christchurch it's colder most of the time... Last night was cold though...

[Bubbles]

FlyingDutchman

I'll do some work on my kids at the weekend and see if I can persuade them to join your thread in the lounge. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking ? I have two daughters, one almost 17 and one just 15. I also have a son who is 12.

John

[FlyingDutchman]

Bubbles

That would be great! I myself am 15, almost 16 (next Tuesday ^_^), so we're in the same age category.

Nick

[Bubbles]

Ok,
I'll see if I can work my magic on them. :nice1

[FlyingDutchman]

Good luck! :nice1