[clarabell]

Hi,
as mentioned in a previous thread, we have told one side of our family were thinking seriuosly about making the move, but weve put off telling the otherside beacuse they wont take the news so well.
We casually mentioned to to them we were thinking about it and that Jamie has a business contact over there who could get him a job no problem. The response was very negative, and this seemed to put Jamie off a bit. Obviously its going to be hard saying goodbye, but I just dont know how were going to cope when dearest mother in law starts to cry and say were taking her grandkids away and it will be the biggst mistake ever etc etc... :no

Just wondering if anyone else has gone through anything like this and how they coped :?

[foolsgold99]

Well it's not a fun experince frankly, this was our second time at it (were going to US in 2000) . We never went the first time, so we left it a lot later in the process this time.

My honest advice is not to try and sugar coat it any way, if you've made your mind up, that this is what you want to do, then just go for it and be blunt. People like parents are going to have conflicting emotions, if you're far down the process, and you tell them that (we waited until we have PR), they'll feel excluded and hurt. Too bad, you can't pander to them or make concessions, it's best to be honest.

There was a great thread on this subject a few months ago, Can't remeber what it was called, perhaps someone could post a link?

[Moorf]

Was it this one? :P

http://www.emigratenz.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2743&start=0

[veronica]

We had all this 30 years ago when we went to Oz with my mum in law. She was hurting because as far as she was concerned I was taking her boy away. she didn't speak to me for months but she accepted the ineveitable in the end. As hurtfull as the comments those in opposition make try and remember that its fear and hurt that is promoting them. But if you get any opportunity try and move past those feelings and get the relationship back on as normal footing as possible. lifes far too short for stuff like this but not everybody is openminded enough to see it.

Both times around 30 years ago and last year my mum and dad have been supportive although this time they have a real fear that they won't see us again (they're 81 and 76) and I really feel for them, but they both agree that Pete and I have to live our own lives and they know our reasons for doing what we are doing. but boy do I feel bad sometimes. At least we all know where we stand and we can all openly express our love for each other.

[Carol]

It was my own parents who gave us a hard time....

In fact I could honestly say that the whole move was tainted badly by their attitude - and that was an understatement.

THey are better now.........after 9 years.....but I am still struggling with it all.
It has caused me incredible pain and guilt that I constnatly try to come to terms with.
If I'd known.........I doubt I would have done it.

That said.......we did it for our kids.....and their grandma and grandad tell us all the time they are in the best place.

[foolsgold99]

Was it this one?

No, but it's much better than the one I was thinking about, I totally missed that thread the first time as it was while I was enroute to NZ.

I was thinking about the one with the nutter of a father in law, that had disowned the son, and would only speak to the one of the other kids. They had a farm. The D in L got blammed for everything.

Sorry If I've just insulted your family, but you know what I mean.

[Moorf]

Maybe this one?

http://www.emigratenz.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2148&start=0

[Anita & Marco]

Hello all,
I think there indeed is only one thing you could do : be honest.
We told parents at a very early stage - they do not really support, but are also not holding us from our plans. They more or less expected us to move one day - we have been away travelling 1,5 years at a time as well. If your parents do not understand you have a life of your own - what to think about those parents........?
I guess (i'm not a parent myself) that you want the best for your children and that you support them with their choices, although you do not need to agree with it?

Good luck everyone with the way you cope with this problem.
Regards,
Anita

[Hannah-NL]

Had typed it out and then it went *ZAPPP* was nice to use the Back button and find it again tho ;) :

Telling mother in law/grandma: We told her on a day we knew she was not alone and knew she would not be alone after we left, so with other family around. She's a widow, but has a lot of other kids/grandkids. Still, she was a bit flabbergasted and her first reaction was: "But I'll never fly out there, as long as you know that!" (she got sort of a travel fobia) So we started to talk with all the other family about it, she got very quiet. After some time we had to go again and she was still a bit dizzy I think. Next week she calls and tells us, just casually sort of, she'll be flying to the USA in october, cause she was invited over and her other son (stepbrother) would accompany her, that way she could practice for when she would possibly fly to NZ! Now WE were flabbergasted!
We thought she would be crying, she might have , but this was totally unexpected. She will even go on a plane for a shorter flight first!?
So I would say, tell them when they are not alone and certainly not when they will be alone with no one to talk with after you leave... But thats just our way of handling.

[clarabell]

Thanks for the links morf, and the replies from everyone too, its good to know were not alone!

Theres seems to be a trend that the parents who are closest are more supportive, and the ones who arent so close, never bother coming to see the kids etc, are the ones to kick up the most fuss :(

I can honestly say i think I have the best parents in the world...of all the plans I have ever made in my life (some pretty wild ones in my youth :? ) they have stuck by me and supported me, they are really adventurous too, so I suppose that helps (they went backpacking around Canada last year) :mrgreen:

But the inlaws are so different, and see things so negatively I am afarid their fuss might put Jamie off :?

I really find this website so useful and supportive. Thanks :nice1

[wayne]

I just told em straight explained that I wasnt dying just moving overseas With their grandchildren and thats the way it is . of coures there was the grass is always greener speech , but they have got used to the idea and even asked for our old PC so they can email us
so all in all pretty unevent ful

[Jo and Andy]

Good thread, read most of the other one too.

I feel so guilty, my mother in law is widowed and Rhiannon is her only grandchild, She has visited and stayed about 1 night a week since Rhiannon was born, having her out of Nursery for 2 days, doing fun stuff, and keeping my ironing up to date, taking her swimming from school etc.

She is taking it bad, she keeps saying it might not happen and now we have PR, she asked Rhiannon why she is so happy about it, she is always pointing out people she knows who have visited but decided not to go, thought there was nothing there, or moved and come back.

How can we take her grandchild etc. But now she knows we are going (told her yesterday), she says oh Margret will be happy, a friend in her village as her kids and grandkids are moving out there and she wants someone to travel out on hols with. (Had not heard this positive reaction before). She doesn't want us to go and says she is selfish about it, but will help us in every way I am sure (she's like that), and travel to see us, she knows that although not good for her it's the best move for Rhiannon. When she told us there were floods in NZ last week, we tried to explain the distances involved so she had some perspective of where things were.

My parents think we are mad, Happy for us but sad for them, was their response. I see them about every couple of months, Brother in law from NZ brother in law has not moved back, and I think they take this as an idea that it is not soo good. He thinks go for it, even if we don't like it in the end, as it is a different lifestyle he says the move will be so positive for our lives. My sister his wife, is very negative, oh you'll never get to have a holiday etc it's too expensive, the houses are cold, you have to pay for schools.

Other family, ooh good hols, but will miss being able to pop and see you in 2 hours (not that they do that often).

Guilt is horrible and I have avoided talking to them about it a lot, but can't avoid it now. Hope my parents will be able to get over (65 and 70), but will have to come back soon as my brother got engaged the other week and awaiting the enagement of my sister. (hope they get together and make it one holiday).

Hope webcams help the phone calls but it is the best move for us, all becoming real now not a dream.

Feel this thread links to the stresses one

[Wiggy]

I can so relate to this thread. To finally get a job and be able to move over to new Zealand with PR in sight was the best news I could ever had. But that soon turned to a feeling of guilt when I thought about what I was about to do to my parents.

Don't get me wrong, we're really close and all they want is for their daughter to be happy, but they're also really really sad that I'm going. I put off telling them about what I was doing until I actually had the offer. My mum suspected what I was up to but it's been her that's been the most upset, getting tearey eyed and depressed whenever something is mentioned even vaguely associated with the move.

I just try now to avoid talking about it as the overwhelming feeling I feel is guilt. I don't want to hurt them, but I also know I have to do is just to see. Regret would be terrible. What I'm really hoping is that they get used to the idea.

Dad has been a star and I think is being more realistic. But when my mum says things like 'we'll be losing you forever' the guilt always returns. Hope I feel better about it soon as it's becoming a real dampner to what we've achieved and the exciting future ahead of me.

Sorry if I've rambled on....it's good to hear that other people have gone through the same but have come out of it OK.

[jubjub]

Al, I think this is the one you meant

http://www.emigratenz.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2148&highlight=farming

[jo b]

I feel guilt although my parents have been brilliant.

I just feel guilty that I win;t be there for them in the way I am now.

But they have said that I am doing the best thing for their grnadchildren I ever could :nice1

That really helped.

Plus they will come out on some nice long hols.

Good luck for everyone going throguh the turmoil.


My M-I-L hasn't spoken about it at all to us yet, we keep her updated but she still doesn;t say much. In fact I think she is thinking it might not happen although she has one son in NZ already.

Jo

[ruthyroo]

For us both sets of PIL have been really supportive. We don't have kids yet - one of the reasons that we chose to make this big break now - and I am really witholding judgement on how I will feel about being so far from them if we do have weans, never mind how the PIL will feel! It's a real toss up between telling them early and getting them involved, or getting it all sorted then announcing that the decision is made, the tickets bought, and you're off - no discussion. The latter is my natural way of doing things, but we probably went half way. It was important to have made up our own minds that we were doing the right thing - so that we could be united in our decision - but we also kept them up to date on progress. However, we did come over on 3yr WP, and this was a big comfort to MIL... we haven't told her we've now applied for PR (and pretty likely to get it) as we are thinking of staying longer... think I'll let Mr Rr deal with that one!!

At the end of the day, you have to live your life for yourself, not for others - even your parents. But be kind to them - it's big news for them, and they're the ones that are being left behind, rather than having an exciting new life to plan.

[stevieboy]

We were expecting the worst. To make matters more difficult, my OH's Grandparents lost two of their sons to the call of the outback 30 years ago and they didn’t talk to them for several years so we thought they’d be the worst.

We chose to be as honest as possible and give everyone as much notice as possible (we did wait until we’d been selected from the pool first though), that way we hoped if there was going to be any adverse reaction, everyone would have enough time to get things in perspective and let off steam before we left the country and hopefully not part on a sour note.
At the end of the day we knew why we wanted to go and had it set in our minds that no matter what anyone else thought, we were doing this for us, not them! Mentally we prepared ourselves for the worse, so we couldn’t be disappointed and went for it.

The result: Because we took the time to explain our reasons why we were doing what we were doing, and why we didn’t say anything sooner etc. they have all in fact been exceptionally supportive. A bit too much really, I think we’re likely to see some of them more than we see them in this country !!! Damn – will have to rethink that one…
In their words – it’s very sad to be going, particularly with the grandchildren so young (3 & 5), but they wouldn’t want to hold us back from a great opportunity. They wish they had the chance that we’ve got….etc.etc.

My advice, for what it’s worth. Be honest open, and if they love you (as I’m sure they do), they’ll see it’s for the best…eventually….you may just have to give them some time to realise it. Don’t EVER forget why you’re doing this in the first place….

[veronica]

The other thing its important to do is to imagine how you are going to feel/react when your own kids decide they want to go and live overseas. There is a more than fair likelyhood they will if they have experienced overseas travel or migration in their childhood. Then its easier to be sypathetic to the feelings of those left behind.

[Jo and Andy]

Feeling mega guilty today, just told my sister by email, as not had a chance to tell her, or have put it off, and she is so shocked that we will be gone in the Autumn (oct, hopefully). Suddenly made me think of how much I will miss everyone.

But chaning my mind and forever wondering what if, would be much worse to deal with.

I must try and talk to them more, it has been such a whirlwind, although talked about it for about 2 years, the turnaround from putting on EOI and getting PR is 3.5months.

Tomorrow willbe better.

[Mike & Nicola]

My folks were cool when we told them (always knew my dad would be fine, but was worried about mum). Anyhow, as time rolls on, every time NZ is mentioned my mum seems to break out in tears! I dont want to stop talking about it, because I think that'll make her worse. But it always seems to come up around the dinner table when we go over for sunday lunch, and its now beginning to put me off my roasties :laugh

Nic's mum lives in Spain, and can understand our decision completely. Although I'm sure being in a different country makes it less real for her. We have only just told her nan the news. Although we slightly bent the truth by saying we were thinking of travelling around NZ for a year. We'll slowly feed her updated news, without mentioning the "E" word.

[marcia]

We have been honest with everyone that we are looking at the possibility of moving to NZ. I feel the worst about kev's mum, his dad died only last july really suddenly only 59 and luckily we only live around the corner and I've seen Pat almost every day. She says the thing that has really got her through most of the upset is our youngest Emerson - she has spent loads of time with him.

Kev has a brother who is wrapped up in his own life, he has two children but has split from their mum and there is a lot of bad feeling there, Pat does still get to see the girls though, but Al doesn't see or speak to his mum as much as i think he should and that is what worries me about leaving her.

My own parents have each other still and my sister will be here but we will be taking away their 3 grand children. Sometimes I could cry thinking about it but at the end of the day you have to look forwards not back and we have to think of what the future holds for our children and give them the best opportunites we can.

The boys have said 'but we'll be leaving all or friends and we have explained that so will we, and we'll all have to make new ones.

It is a huge upheaval for everyone but I'm sure in the long run it will be worth all the tears and pain.

Just remember that through this forum you'll have loads of new friends to get to know better in NZ!!! :clap