[Miffy]

Just a bit of a rant about my mother in law http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-030.gif
When we left she and the father in law promised that they they would come out for a visit in Jan / Feb time. which we were really please about.

On the phone the other night we asked if she had some dates in mind and this was her reply
"Oh I haven't booked anything yet, and I won't for a while as I thought you might have come to your senses and want to come home by then"

!!!!!!! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-030.gif http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sauer/angry-smiley-030.gif words failed me.

I politly told her were were home and thought you might like to come and visit us! (She was never really that supportive if us going in the first place)

ARRRRRRRRRHHHHH It didn't help that we have been feeling a little bit homesick but can't now mention this as she will see this as a sign of weakness and expect us to go back ! Ca

thanks for listening / reading .... glad I could get that off my chest as couldn't really rant about it to Ian as its his mum, would just cause arguements http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/ernaehrung/food-smiley-005.gif

[Diny]

Mothers in law ....... I guess the only cure is never to get married !!!!!!!

Ignore her, you have enough to contend with without her comments. I guess we all need to understand that when family members emmigrate it's going to cause alot of heartache, different people react in different ways. Perhaps she's hoping above everything else that you do go home because she misses you so much. Or perhaps she's just a dried up old crow with as much tact as a charging rhino ????

I don't have a brilliant relationship with my inlaws, and I've left my wonderful parents on the other side of the world to come and live a 40 minute drive from them. How stupid am I?

Chin up ......... keep us posted.

Diny

[driver]

She might even be jealous.

Don't worry it'll be her who misses out.

[Avalon]

Miffy,

{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Thats awful! Why do people have to be so mean? I feel truly blessed that no one has said that to me. Everyone we know has been supportive - even if they would rather we had stayed close. I dont think I could have stayed calm if I had recieved such a message.

I really dont know what else to say !

[Smiler]

Miffy

Good for you and keeping it polite, I'm sure there are many of us that couldn't have :no

Find something else to do at that time, explore another part of NZ, take a short break, go away with friends. That will show her how much you are bothered whether they come over or not.

Chin up and hugs.

Deborah

[mechidna]

Although it's my mother and not my MIL, I do truly understand. Hang in there. I'm hoping my mum will either come to her senses or quit calling. At this point, the later is preferred.

Mums and MIL's are strange creatures. I should know, my daughter says I'm strange all the time. :)

Michele

[Jo and Andy]

My parents keep asking are we still going, wanting to have a heart to heart before I go, I really want to go but don't want to leave so it is really hard.

Andy sees moving away from my parents as being a benefit and keeps telling me, which does not really help, so I understand that you don't fell you can tell your husband.

Eveyone is right, they may just be hoping that you don't like it so that you come home. Prove them wrong enjoy the summer when they are supposed to be coming, or see if someone else wants to come out.

My Mum told me how she didn't think she would ever be able to come over as she is scared of flying long distances, so doesn't look like I will have this problem.

Hope you are feeling less homesick, as you say you are now HOME.

Big hugs.

Jo

[Debbie P.]

I know it must be really hurtful, but it seems to be particularly difficult for mums. My MIL hasn't said anything to us, other than "well, I won't be travelling all that distance to see you" (nice, eh?), but she's told other members of the family "oh, they'll get it out of their system soon", so she's obviously not expecting us to go.

It's as if some parents can't let go of that baby/toddler/child they had - doesn't matter how old you get, you're still a child going through 'phases' to them. But I do have sympathy, even though I'm not a mother. There's so much hurt on both sides...

You did the right thing, keeping your cool on that occasion, but maybe your OH needs to phone his mum and have a calm conversation along the lines of "look, you have to accept that I've made my decision and am here to stay, we will miss you terribly if you don't visit, but it won't change our minds, etc etc". It might have more impact if it came from him.

As for my mum... I don't even want to go there...! You have my deepest sympathy.

Debbie

[Debbie]

OMG Miffy that my worst nightmare,
Good on you for keeping it together.
My heart goes out to you, it was not what you needed when you are feeling home sick. I also feel for Ian, I know from experience with my mum that it's realy hard when your mum, who you love is also causing so much pain to your OH, who you love.
It's my mum that is going to be the problem, think of me this weekend, we are going to tell her of our plans. I chickened out over the bank holiday but I have to tell them now or the next time they see us the FOR SALE sign will give it away.

I'm expecting my mum to be a similar burden. My bet is that she wont speak to me unless she is in tears, (time scale for this period could be months) .Then we will have the denial period when we will have the undermining digs, as perfectly demonstrated by your MIL. I hope finally she will accept our decision but I don't expect she will ever like it unless she moves to NZ as well.

The social worker part of me says "It's a natural mourning process that is to be expected" the rest of me, the bit that is actually having to deal with it says "OMG, parents can be a right pain in the...and I thought my 2 yr old had perfected the tantrum"

Chin up love, a box of choc is much better shared between 2 than 4 anyway.
Debbie

[Paul and Linda]

It's not just MILs it's mum also. My mum keeps saying, "just tell me that you'll come stright home if you don't like it, or find it difficult." Which is fair enough, only she keeps saying it, every other sentence....!

I know she doesn't want us to go, even though she only wants the best for us, she can't shtand the thought of us not being there.

Everyone else in the family is now shocked off their feet because they never thought that we would go. It's annoying because we have been 100% commited from day one and didn't feel like we had much support off them (not all of them, some have been brilliant). But now, job offer in hand, flights booked, leaving a week on maonday they are all acting like we've just told them out of the blue!

Families! Can't they just cry once we've gone! I know that's what I'll be doing!

Leaving do is getting booked for a week on saturday....should bring up a few interesting conversations, lots of beer and emotion, recipe for someone to put their foot in it!

Hope it's not me!

The most support I have had over the last year or so has been from this forum, families have their own feelings and motivations, and sometimes just can't bring themselves to wish you well and support you fully.

Don't put them down for it, they'll have a lot to cope with once we've all gone........Just ignore them!!!!(big smiley grin!)

All the very best

Paul

[Do B Brief]

I used to be based in Germany and my mother came out there from the UK.

Hmmmmm so that's why my missus wanted us to move to NZ? - I mean how far away can you get from your MIL's?

From the UK, that's the limit! Until filghts to the moon start up!!!

[Simon & Emily]

The most support I have had over the last year or so has been from this forum, families have their own feelings and motivations, and sometimes just can't bring themselves to wish you well and support you fully.

I've got to second that. The only thing my inlaws say - both sets - is 'any more news on New Zealand?' Which in itself is not to bad, I agree, but given that we have PR and are just trying to get the house into a sellable state to put on the market is just a little bit irritating. They are both acting as though we are telling them we're changing the colour of the lounge carpet rather than moving to the other side of the world. They know that we are doing lots of leg work looking into housing, jobs, schools, geography and so on, but they are not the slightest bit interested. They glaze over completely and start talking about next christmas get togethers, or 'are you planning to go away on holiday next year, as you didn't go anywhere this year?'. Hello .... is anyone listening to us?

Emily

[KD17]

It's so hard on everyone when a close family member decides to leave for a new life (I've done it myself a few times before, ..)

I don't think it's that your family are not being supportive, I think they are trying to be protective.

Usually when someone acts in, what seems to be, "out of character" there is usually a very valid reason. Mothers take it particularly hard when a daughter leaves (I know...!!) I'm sure they all want the very best for you, but they are hurting too and react to their own feelings, which isn't necessarily the best for you. :uhoh

It's not that they don't want to come & see you, for their own seemingly selfish reasons they would prefer that you stay and secretly wish for you all to come back, because they will miss you, and it would ease their hurt for you to be near them.

In a way I think it's also about you reassuring them that you are "just moving" - albeit an awful long way away - but the world gets smaller with ease of travel, which older people don't always realise, especially if they haven't travelled much.

You can be sure of the tears, heartache, missing and longing, but with reassurance from all sides that you are still there for each other I'm sure you will have lots of visitors once they get over their hurt.

Patience, it's not just for the emmigration process, it's to help ease us into our new lives also.

Good Luck

:yes

Keith & Debby

[Dreamer]

Well so far the father in law has come out with the following (all to Mrs Dreamer while I wasn't in the room):

"I'll do everything in my power to stop you leaving the UK"
"I'll cut you out of the will"
"We won't come and visit you - *ever*, so you'll never see us again"

.... so by all accounts I think your in-laws reaction to the situation is almost positive!

:D

Dreamer

[Smiler]

Dreamer


:eek: :eek: :eek:

Smiler

[Simon & Emily]

Dreamer - I can't beleive he said that to his own daughter. :no And also whilst you were not there, to give her support. Probably not the best way to build a close family bond .....

As others have said, it's because they do not want you to go. However, you're big enough to stand on your own two feet now, and I'm sure will make up your own minds with or without their blessing. It's just a shame that parents don't seem to realise it at the time.

All the best,

Emily

[Dreamer]

Yeah to be honest I think most of it is "bluff" - i.e. though he says it now I don't realistically think he would do the things he threatens (other than the first point).

Still, it's a shame he feels the need to resort to emotional & financial blackmail rather than looking at things objectively. As I'm sure you can tell he's quite controlling. In all honesty though I'm not sure Mrs D has the willpower to stand up to him - we'll see.

I should add, if we stay in the UK we also aren't allowed to move more than 30 minutes away in case he dies and we need to take care of his wife - apparently Mrs D has "responsibilities" because she is currently the closest in terms of location. Nice to know our needs, and the relationship with my own parents/ relatives is of importance ;)

D

[Smiler]

Was he in the Army?

Is he used to having everyone running at his beck and call.

Did he care for his dying parents too because he obviously didn't get a life.

Crikey, I'd be on the first plane out:exit

D

rant over

[Debbie]

Was he in the Army?

r

Not likly to be a military man.
My dad ex navy and having spent 21 yrs jotting all over the globe Im farly sure he is going to be cool about this move. He has said he regretted the fact that they were never allowed to sail into NZ. Of cause with my mum there he will have to say that he hates the idea but...
As someones tag line goes, Never have a wish bone were your back bone should be.
At my age Im just going to have to stand up to my mum and hope she doesn't pull a sickie on me. Never has my mum's angina(sp) seemed so threatening.

[jan]

My parents were very supportive, in-laws just avoided the conversation at all costs.I did ring my mum the other day only to get my dad on the phone , which is quite rare cos he leaves telephone conversations to my mum and just shouts out to me in the background, we spoke for over an hour while he asked me this and that, and at the end he said `he didn't like to speak on the phone` , spluttered and splattered a bit, then said `since I have been away, (4mnths) he has buried his head in the sand, so to speak, when there has been any form of talk about my move`. It was his only way of describing how he felt, and he wasn't happy with that one. Said he would get back to me when he can describe how it is!!

I do believe there is an element of grieving involved here. Absolutely not comparing it with the loss of a loved one, but the feelings that you have are comparible in some ways. Take that as a very marginal comment.

Miffy it sounds to me like you are better off if she didn't come over. She might pour a lot of negativity over your new found life. Then again she could `approve` of what she sees. ???????

My in-laws are on their way in November I believe, I can handle them. They are pining for us and I do take that on board though. But still cant wait ti BIG it up when they get here.

Good luck!!

[SharpBlade]

When we first moved to Ireland (from Belgium) 8 years ago, everybody thought we were having a bit of a laugh . I wasn't sure myself, and I only managed the first few months thanks to Ryanair (soooo cheap..) and the thought that our move wasn't for good. I am very much a family person (whereas my husband isn't) and it took our families and myself a while to get used to the idea. They come and visit us, and I go back every summer with our 4 kids who despite the distance have developed a real strong relationship with both families. My dad still doesn't like goodbyes and we all cry, but that's ok.
Now, Nz.... As my husband said (especially when I was a bit low..) "it is a one way ticket" !!
But then again, with the Email, cheap phone lines, Skype, webcams, NZ shouldn't feel too far away. That's what I hope (is it realistic??).
My IL will definitely come and visit, my mum will come too (all by herself ! My dad hates travelling...too much noise, people, discomfort, etc..) and they haven't taken our news too badly. There is still plenty of other children around for them, but they will miss the grandchildren, and that's one of the only guilts I have. Children need their grandparents, in my opinion. They need somebody else than their mum/dad to confess to, to play or just hang around with, and although they spend most of their time with me, I sometimes wonder if my only love and interest in them will be enough. Am I/are we loving enough for all their needs? But I am drifting now..
Laura

[Debbie]

Well I got my back bone and told my parents yesterday of our plans and as expected my mum has compleatly blanked the whole thing. Her comments were.."New Zealand?" to which I said yes,
"Have you got a job?" to which I said not yet, its a bit early, we plan to go over in the new year and have to sell the house first,
to which she asked my dad to turn the TV up as she couldn't hear her program. AAHHHHHHHH
Good job I can't find them icons still or I would wear out that Mr angery.
Denial is always the first line of defence with my mum and now the silent treatment begins. My sons birthday is in 2 weeks, we planned it so she should pull herself together enough to at least talk a bit to me by then.
Parents, don't you just love them. (Yep we do, that's the problem)
Debbie

[Smiler]

Hi Debbie

I thought I could here screaming from the kent direction today.

Seriously well done you for coming out with it. Don't worry about the silent treatment, she will either get over it and come round to the fact OR not.

At least that's the first hurdle over for you, maybe the next move is up to her?

Here are some icons for you :laugh :p :exit

You can choose the appropriate place in the post for them.

Chin up

Deborah

[foolsgold99]

In a way this thread reminds me of another one here, on a different subject (advice about containers ??).

Here's my wisdom for the day (such as it is)

Just because something isn't right for you, doesn't make it wrong for other people.

Your parents have lived their life in their home country (uk or whatever), and when you leave and tell them about NZ, it's very easy for some people to hear (wrongly) "you were wrong to live here". or "My relationship to you isn't central to my life any more"

I went through this, pretty much the same as some of the folks above.

I guess what I'm saying is, everyone should walk a mile in another persons shoes, before condeming them

[Miffy]

WOW ! Thanks guys for your support and replies :cheers

this place is great - not only do you get support and sympathy from "vertual" strangers but no matter your problem is someone here has either already gone through it or is going through it and posts their experiences which is great to know that you are not the only one!

Anyway I'm over it now and feeling much better. we had a nice chat together last night so all is good. I think the MiL caught me at a bad time, as I really don't like my current job and that is making be feel a bit low and touchy
Also she has a always been the type of person that says what she means without any thought of how the person listening will feel about it , hubby is exactly the same!

[veronica]

Most times the reaction is just because they love you., and don't want to be without contact with you.

Its harder for people where nobody in the family has done the living overseas thing. But from both sides, the homesickness for those away and the missing you from the people at home, its hard, and there is no set formula for the way each of us react. We all just have to deal with it in our own way, whether that is perceived by others as the 'right' way or not.

[Debbie]

Credit where it's due, my mum phoned me on wednesday night and we had a chat about everything except NZ, but thats cool.
I've had 18months to get my head around what we are doing and I never expected them to jump on board with the idea straight away. From here on we will tell them of major changes / advances in our plans and be there to talk to them when they decide they want to talk about it. This is miles better than I ever expected her to be. (When I mentioned the possibility of oz to her a couple of yrs ago it was 2 weeks for her to speak to me and when she did it was full of tears and putting the phone down)

So for all of you out there still pondering how to tell your nearest and dearest, there is hope.

Im just so glad that we can make the best of the time we have together in this country. My mum might be a pain in the a... at times but she's my pain and I love her.

Debbie

[Smiler]

Great news Debbie. Good old Mum :nice1 You're 18 months ahead of her, so expect those visiting plans to start soon.

We've all got pains we can live with :) (meant in the nicest way poss)


Nice post

Deborah

[katandbob]

Hi Miffy,

Keep your chin up, at least your where you wanted to end up! she'll come round in the end, and if not then you have enough things in NZ to cheer you up(just think of the dreary cold rain thats in the UK at the min) :D

My MIL is ace, we have just informed her that the 4 of us will be movin in with them as soon as the house sale goes through and since we have now found out that the eldests last official day of his first yr apprenticeship ends in Sept 06 we will be there a while :wah

Oh well - can start mega saving plan :clap

and if not I can always resort to some :cheers to keep us sane!!

Chin Up

Kat

[Dreamer]

Quick update ...

I've received an exceptionally good job offer based in Auckland (:D), so I had the enviable task of telling the FIL that it was "highly likely" we would be accepting the offer. To say he's peeved would be putting it mildly (let's just say I'm not expecting a christmas present this year!)

Ahh well - maybe over time he'll be able to see past his own emotions and think rationally and objectively about things. It really would be great to see them over in NZ, though he was still spouting the "never going to come and visit you" line over the w/e so I guess we'll have to suck it and see on that one.

My parents/ brother are all totally cool with the idea (mother quoted as saying "if it were me I'd jump at the chance"), and all have said they would look forward to visiting, so at least one side of the equation is OK. In all honesty I wouldn't be surprised to see one or all of them join us after a couple of years :)

D

[K&CS]

Dreamer

I've just read through this thread for the first time and I'm totally shocked by your ILs' reaction to your plans - it's just plain evil - your poor wife!! Talk about putting on loads of pressure.... When she gets the inevitable homesickness when she gets there, she won't be able to talk to them, and it just isn't fair. We don't have kids so that we can pile on guilt and responsibility for us and to stop them leading the lives they want to (must remember this in 30 years time...).

On a brighter note, congratulations on your job. Are you taking it? (I presume that's a 'yes'). When do you go?

Hope the ILs come round in the end.

Kate x

[Dreamer]

Well the wife is still struggling with her FIL being so upset, and also a degree of nervousness about going to a new place. The emotional distress for him really is on a par with bereavement, but I do hope he recognises we are simply trying to achieve a better long term quality of life for ourselves. At the moment he can't see past his own emotions to the potential long term benefits for his daughter/ grandaughter.

Ironically the MIL view is "it's your life and you need to do what you want" - but her view tends to get somewhat trampled by the FIL's emotions.

It really would be a criminal shame if we didn't go though (I'm pretty sure we will - just sad the wife has to go through such distress). Not wishing to make you all green with envy (:D), they are offering:

1. Flexible start date (mid-Jan to allow us to spend time touring round NZ :D)
2. 110k+ salary
3. Full relocation assistance (flights for all family members, shipping and first two weeks accommodation)

We're currently a family of three, and should have a comfortable lifestyle in NZ on that salary. If we decide after having lived there for a while that it's not the right place for us, or we miss rellies too much, the financial implications of emigrating then moving back to the UK are about as low one could possibly hope for.

Isn't there a phrase with "gift horse" and "mouth" out there somewhere?

:D

[Alex]

Wow, that's sounds like a great job package! You'll have to buy some ear plugs so you can't hear the IL's :D

What job are you going to do?

[Singel]

Wow, Dreamer, congratulations on that great job offer :nice1

It really made us green with envy :wah

[Dreamer]

I work in IT, which certainly seems to be one of the better paid career choices in NZ.

(Consultancy in ERP systems/ technical architecture for those wishing for a bit more detail)

Also helped that I happened to stumble across a really great & informative recruitment consultant that wasn't put off by the fact we weren't physically in NZ. Couldn't recommend him highly enough if you have good skills (need to check with him if he's happy for me to place a recommendation & his details on the forum before he gets inundated with calls!)

By the way - did anyone see "Get a New Life" a year or so ago where the couple moved to Paraparauma (sp?). The FIL's reaction reminds me a lot of the mothers reaction in that show - I do hope they managed to sort out their differences as well.

D

[Jo and Andy]

Having a weekend with my mother this weekend, she is not happy about us going, think it is going to be a sad weekend. Worries about us surviving on an NZ salary. Not having money to travel home often. They travel a a lot short flights but my mum at 70 is very worried about DVT as a friend of her died of it (she traveled a lot to Chile to see her daughter to moved there).

Must look at boats out to NZ.

I can't get my head around the fact that I won't be able to see my family very often. I know it but can't imagine how I am going to feel. Worries me really, but want to give it a go.

My mother moved from Sweden to England when she married my father, my swedish grandfather died when I was about 2 so I was brought up without verymuch grandparent contact. Saw my swedish grandmother every year for about 3 weeks, I can remember virtually every story she told us and loved that time. Don't know if it would have been as good if I saw her every week.

English grandparents, Granny died just after I can remember, and Grandfather although alive until I was in 30, was a B****** and once stood in front of me saying he knew I was one of his grandkids but did not know which one (even got the wrong family when asked).

So in some ways I think Rhiannon will be OK, but she has had my MIL over everyweek for a couple of days since she was born, they have great relationship it is going to be very hard for her, but I know MIL will travel over, and sadly family history does not have longevity on Andy's side of the family. So thats life.

We had family friends that took the place of grandparents, so anyone over there who wants to be surrogate Granny, let me know Christchurch if poss.

Glad I have found this site, and know I will be needing all your support at times, so thanks to all for future problems.

turned out not to be such a quick relply