[denisesykes]

Is it supposed to be this hard? My OH , Paul flew over 2 weeks ago to start work and is doing ok.
We are finding it hard to be without him at such as stressful time I unfortunately had a irate conversation with my brother last night which has only excerbated our problems.He said that I was a selfish fat cow and told me to ***k off to NZ as soon as possible .He said that he could never leave my mum and dad (bearing in mind that the furthest he has been on holiday is Brittany) and that I was 'lumbering' him with all the grief of our parents and that I never even asked was that ok .Was I supposed to?
He had also agreed to sell our car for us and all the arrangements were in place but he now has ( 7 days before I fly!) said that he doesn't want any more to do with us! Anyone want a R reg Peugeot 405 Estate fort £1000?
How can I sell a car in 7 days and still get to the airport?
My parents are thinking that I can't love them enough as they would never have done this to their parents cos they obvioulsly loved them alot more.We fly out on 2/11/05 , how on earth and am I going to cope until then?
Don't let anyone tell you its easy, it is an absolute nightmare , all I am getting from my family is negative comments ' how do you know it will be better?' You're always looking for a new challenge (That is not a compliment!)
Deep down I know that I am doing the right thing but god , what a broad back you need,thank god for Jacobs Creek Chardonney, otherwise I would go mad!
Thanks for reading
Just about keeping it together,
Denise

[Diny]

Denise ..... what a sad situation you find yourself in. I wish I could say something to make it better but I doubt anybody can.

The only explanation I can give is that maybe this negative, abusive attitude you are getting from family members is their way of expressing their sadness. Some people get weepy, some just sail through it, some crack up and others - like your brother - get abusive.

Seeing as that your departure is so close they may be trying every last ditch attempt to get you to change your mind. If only they could see that the effect it's having on you.

I remember on the run up to our departure I was having a very tearful conversation with my mum. I told her that I was afraid that her and dad would think I didn't love them enough, that my leaving was an indication that they didn't mean that much to me. This broke my mums heart. She told me that she fully understood our decision and that she was very proud of me for making a better future for my own family (I'm still undecided whether that has been the case though).

I know that Mum & Dad would have loved us to change our minds and stay. I'm sure your Mum & Dad feel the same. Folks have different ways of getting their points across, it seems like emotional blackmail is the route your family have taken.

Try not to feel too bad, inside they are hurting, they are lashing out. However as for your brother calling you a selfish fat cow - this is totally unacceptable. I feel you need to continue with your arrangements, let the dust settle. Make your family aware of how YOU feel and remember - you only get one shot at life. Your brother is content with his trips to the far distant shores of Northern France - you need more. That doesn't make you a bad, uncaring person. It just means you have different goals. Don't allow yourself to be beaten up about it.

Hard times lie ahead, but it's my bet that they'll all come around in the end. Maybe not before you leave but they will eventually.

Keep us posted.

Diny

[jubjub]

Crikey, sounds to me like you are having a rough time, they are probably being worse now, as its hit them, and you are by yourself, and they think you may cave in without your hubby there to back you up? What exactly do they expect you to do????? We had a similar issue with in laws, they have never been further than Majorca, and dont like driving more than 10 miles from their house! They obviously dont understand, stay strong, and get yourself over here!

Cant help with the car, I assume there is no-one else you can ask to sell it? Its probably even too late for the local paper, try ebay? Failing that in our local press there were numbers you could ring that would buy cars for cash, you wont get as much, but at least its done with.

good luck, sounds like you need it.....

[Smiler]

Hang on in there Girl!!!! Nightmare busters to the rescue..........

I've got my Practical head on here

1st, have you got a good friend (or their hubby) who can sort out selling the car for you and get you to the airport? or Try a 3 day sale on ebay and then cab it to the airport? Is the car worth the hassle or money and can you get someone just to take it off your hands?

2nd Call the Bro back and ask him (nicely) if he could still sort out the car. (This is only a suggestion) :mad: if this smilie is him he can say no again, then you can ignore him.

Emotional head on (and I know where you are coming from here as my parents have done the same)

When you feel a bit calm and not necessarily before you leave, speak to your Ma & Pa. Re-iterate the reasons you are doing this and tell them you love them enough to leave them in your brother's capable hands :D .

Do not accept the emotional blackmail you are getting from any of them. This is you and Pauls life and you are doing what you feel is best for you. You know it will be better because you have researched this and it's what you want to do. Tell them Paul is doing good and it will be even better when you are back together in NZ.

Tell your bro that he is different to you. You want challenges and new experiences in life. You don't want to stay if the UK and say 'what if 'in 20 years. You are going to NZ whether he likes it or not and he is welome to visit. It will be another world away from Brittany for him, tell him it's a longer plane ride. You appreciate his comments but you are not him and neither are you a selfish fat cow. (That's just nasty)

Denise, these are thoughts off the top of my head. DO NOT give in. You'll be on that plane if you have to get the bus to the airport. Think of drinking 'Jacobs creek' for real, stuff that has been produced here and not travelled. :cheers Most of all, keep going strong, you are so close with one week to go. A lot of us here had the same problems and we have survived, we are here, it's up to us what we do now. This will not stop the horrid homesickness believe me, but it will get better.

Have another glass but don't phone bro if you are tipsy otherwise you'll be a lush too (in his eyes, sad)

Chin up, shoulders back, 1 week to go.


Big cyber hugs

Deborah x x x x x x

[pleccy2000]

your brother is the selfish one, not you. Dont live your life for other people.

[chips]

I have no idea what is like to be the one left behind?
Your brother sounds like he's partly envious, and *issed off with the fact he ,now, has to leep an eye on your folks. I mean isn't that the "girls job".

My only advice ,for what it's worth, phone yor brother ,invite him to NZ, sayhow much you are looking forward to seeing him outthere. He will probably tell you F off again ,but at least your last words were nice ,and reconsillory. Try the same with your folks. All i am saying is try and leave on good words. Words for thought will sink in ,and maybe they might visit.
All the best . Nz awaits you!
Chips

[David with a dream]

Sorry to hear that the folks feel that way, I bet you will never do the gilt thing on your kids. Be strong have a few glasses of wine and you will soon be in NZ far away from all the hastle. Good luck and good luck with the car also! David.................. ;)

[Avalon]

Denise,

I really wish there was something I could say that would make this better, but im not sure there is anything.

My OH had a big bust up with his mother - but that was because he was marrying me - I dont even want to think about the things she said about us when she discovered we were emigrating! In our case - she is out of our life - so its not a problem for us. We could and did just walk away - and though it was painful for him, our lives are much better for it.

I hope you can find another way. Is your brother always that nasty to you or is this just because hes angry at the move? If its anger - then he will come round eventully. I do have to say I agree 100% with Smiler - you do not have to accept this behavior. What she would say to your Brother is a lot nicer and calmer than what I would say!

Even if you cant do it before you go, you can always try once you are here and with Paul, who at least is there to cry on if your family still dont support your choice.

Its your life - they have had thier chance to live thiers. You cannot live your life for them, however hard that may be.

{{{hugs}}}

[StevieD]

Denise, good luck. Can't say any more than has been said already. I get the impression that your brother is doing the same to you as mine is to me. We not spoken properly for 10 months, and I suspect it is because he feels he is being "lumbered" with mum. I feel for you, but stick in there, all will come good. Discuss it with your parents and brother if it is an option. There has to be some common ground and you will probably come out of it wondering what all the fuss was about.

Steve

[denisesykes]

Thanks folks, your words mean alot when you are stuck here by yourself and all you wanna be is in NZ.
One of he things keeping me focused is how I felt when I left NZ last January ,Undescribable, I knew what I was leaving behind.
Why can't people be more positive ? There are so many reasons why we wish our kids to be brought up there and noT here but you do tend to get a bit weighed down by all the negativity.
I am holding on in there, we complete on Friday, in laws saturday , my parents Sunday , Monday , then Pauls sister Tuesday as she lives close to the airport.We fly 10 pm Wednesday.

I just wanna fast forward the next week and be on the plane!
Thanks again 4 the support

Denise

[ruthyroo]

Denise, the only thing I can add to the above is to let you know that Jacobs Creek is currently on special in Countdown for a bargain $6.99 a bottle - so you are doing the right thing coming out here!! It will be cheap again next year when they are clearing the shelves for the 2006 vintage!!

[T-R3xx]

Denise - Sell the car on E-bay. It'll go, guaranteed!

Gotta' love the family stuff! My sister STILL has not forgiven me for leaving her in California with my off-her-rocker mother and moving to Minnesota - and that was 8 years ago! Boy wait 'til she finds out about NZ!! Our kids don't even know her - too bad for her. I don't think she's ever been east of Texas or west of Hawaii. The OH and I decided not to tell anyone about this until right before we go. And maybe not until afterwards...we'll decide when it gets closer. For us, things seem to go a little smoother with a few miles (kilometers) between the family members. We only see them once every couple of years anyway, and I am sure we can swing that from NZ. Some people just get upset when they see others doing what they do not have the gonads to do themselves.

[stephen p]

Hi Denise,
its really sad your family are being so negative, Family is important, but just remember this is your life they are talking about, everyone has a right to be happy ,its very difficult at the moment, but just stick to your plans, you are doing this for you, not for them. I know that sounds a bit hard but focus on why you are coming back to NZ, and I really hope it all goes well, the day you get on that plane you will feel a lot better.

steve.

[veronica]

It doesn't excuse it but perhaps they are now realising how inevietible the move is and feeling the grief. Perhaps they have been giving your brother a hard time about it and as he is the last one left in UK he feels his options have been shut down.
A lot of people can be positive and just think of the person going away and the better life they are hoping for but some people are just negative.
Best thing to do is say very little at the moment and keep your own council. sometimes a few words at the wrong time from both parties can totally wreck a family....and if that can be avoided its worth keeping quiet.

I really feel for you but can only say the normal, keep your chin up it will all work out in the end. take care

[jewelsvani]

Is it supposed to be this hard? My OH , Paul flew over 2 weeks ago to start work and is doing ok.
We are finding it hard to be without him at such as stressful time I unfortunately had a irate conversation with my brother last night which has only excerbated our problems.He said that I was a selfish fat cow and told me to ***k off to NZ as soon as possible .He said that he could never leave my mum and dad (bearing in mind that the furthest he has been on holiday is Brittany) and that I was 'lumbering' him with all the grief of our parents and that I never even asked was that ok .Was I supposed to?
He had also agreed to sell our car for us and all the arrangements were in place but he now has ( 7 days before I fly!) said that he doesn't want any more to do with us! Anyone want a R reg Peugeot 405 Estate fort £1000?
How can I sell a car in 7 days and still get to the airport?
My parents are thinking that I can't love them enough as they would never have done this to their parents cos they obvioulsly loved them alot more.We fly out on 2/11/05 , how on earth and am I going to cope until then?
Don't let anyone tell you its easy, it is an absolute nightmare , all I am getting from my family is negative comments ' how do you know it will be better?' You're always looking for a new challenge (That is not a compliment!)
Deep down I know that I am doing the right thing but god , what a broad back you need,thank god for Jacobs Creek Chardonney, otherwise I would go mad!
Thanks for reading
Just about keeping it together,
Denise

Denise you have to live your own life, it is them that are being selfish expeting you to sacrafice your dreams for them. What would happen if you stayed, you would always think what if and resent them for making you stay.

In time they will get over it and if they don't then maybe that just shows that your not losing much and are justified in leaving. I hope everything gets sorted out and your family will accept your plans, good luck.

[wayne]

Hi Denise, We're so pleased that you have your date for coming over to NZ. Don't worry it'll be fine once you're at the airport, luggage sorted and then you're off. Are you still going to Christchurch? Remember you were so positive and desparate to move when we were all at the 'Punch'. We all love it here, we're all working and the sun is shining and we own our home here NO MORTGAGE. All our luggage arrived perfect, not even a scratch on the Harley motorbike. Hang in there girl. Love Trudy & Wayne

[PaulandHelen]

Hi Denise, what your going through is a terrible thing and for your your brother to be like that towards you means he is very upset your leaving or he is blinkered and doesn't understand you need different things out of life.
I hope you manage to talk to your family before you leave and find even a small bit of common ground.
I wish you the best of luck with the next step of your adventure, and just imagine what you could be doing this time next year!!

[jo b]

Denise,

can't really add to what everyone else has said, as they all have given you good counsel.

Keep focused DO NOT feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Best wishes

Jo

[katandbob]

Just a quick note to say " hold in there" next week will be here sooner than you think, and yes - there are companys out there that will buy cars - try Yell.com in your area?

and as the others said - smile, try to be calm when talking to them but at the end of the day, dont let them drag you down.

all my good thoughts to you.....Kat

[Babette & Andy]

Oohhh Denise - this was the last thing you needed!! :no Agree with Jo B, agree with all that has been said above. Hang in there, call me if you want a friendly ear. I've been feeling really sorry for myself since Andy left last Friday, but your post has reminded me that I'm not the only one, and that at least my In-laws ARE talking to us (they threw a similar wobbler about us being selfish etc when we were looking into moving back to Holland some 5 years ago - this time they're sad but support our decision).

Hang in there Denise, not long to go before you'll be joining Paul (and Andy!) in Auckland ready to start living YOUR dream :clap I'm sure your family will miss you lots and will regret their current actions and words.

Hugs
Babette

[K&CS]

There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already. Things can be said in the heat of the moment that aren't really meant and let's hope your brother has time to reflect on what he has said and how he has acted. Why did he have to get 'fat' into the equation?? - that's irrelevant and just plain nasty.

You know you're doing the right thing, and hopefully in time, they'll come round. You can't live your life for them.

Good luck with the move!

Kate

[Cardiff Irons]

Wise words indeed by fellow forumites. Nothing much I can add, except.....

We understand your sadness and your frustration, we understand you're at an all-time low. But we're thinking of you, we're rooting for you and we're praying for you.

Take care


Steve

[louron]

Hi all (especially Denise)
Cant't really add much to the advice that you have already received except to say that I have seen this family emigration thing from both sides now. About 6 years ago my brother and his family emigrated to the US and although I never ever said anything negative to him about it I am very ashamed to say that one of my first thoughts on hearing his news was that I would be left to deal with the parents when/if anything happened to either or both of them. To be honest I felt kind of lumbered and I also remember thinking that no one had asked me if it was Ok with me (like I say I am now ashamed).I was also the one who had to listen to the parents moaning and wailing about the fact that he he was emigrating (not easy or pleasant). Now that we are looking to get to NZ I know that I will have to put up with far worse from the parents than my brother ever did, in fact its already started, I told them that we were going to the Expo in Manchester only for Mum to say "you're not serious about this surely" when I said that we were seriously considering it she immediately said "you can't take my grandchildren away from me" and has been 'off' with me ever since!
So you are not alone and I am sure that your brother at least will come round in time (although no excuse for his remarks to you).
Keep focused, you will get through the next week and it will be sooooo worth it!!
Sian

[veronica]

I wouldn't be ashamed of those feelings, they seem perfectly natural to me. Having been on both sides does mean you have a greater understanding, and while most of us can imagine the feelings you know them first hand.
I think the other thing for anyone to do is to try and put put yourselves in your parents place. They are getting older, perhaps not having the energy they had and getting more set in their ways, scared of the unknown, worried how far the pension is going to go and then BANG the centre of their universe is thinking of leaving them. While they could be thinking it may be a better life for you they aren't necessarily going to admit this as it would be giving you more encouragement. You just have to try and not react and make the situation worse. If you have kids then look at them and imagine them going away, maybe for ever.....
Having said this then none of it should stop you going for it. Its your life and you have to chose how you want to live it.

[Kim39]

I'm another who really can't add to this now as others have said most words, but i do have a different slant on it all. There isn't a guilt trip being put on me, but quite the opposite and considering the desperate situation i find myself in also. You see, as i sit here writing this in a total mad house, (we have the shippers coming in tomorrow) my situation is a little different.

Only a few weeks ago my sister, was diagnosed with Breast cancer and Spinal cancer. Now, we are not at all close,but at the end of the day she is my sister. I didn't know which way to turn!! As the last few days have progressed, and we are getting closer to D-Day, i decided to have a chat with my dad about the situation we find ourselves in. Do i delay this for a few weeks, or fly as planned? Well the answer was quite a definate "you do it son we'll be fine" but my concern is, he is on his own (mum died 9yrs ago from the disease), he lives near to me, but my sister lives in Cornwall. He is 76yrs old and doesn't have the confidence to get behind the wheel and take himself off to Cornwall to be with his daughter for a few weeks.

Now what i am trying to say is even though my family now has a situation that we have to deal with, my dad and sisiter are still prepared for me to take myself 12000 miles without a word of disgust. Maybe i'm one of the lucky ones here who's family is backing us all the way. Spoke to sis last night and all she was concerned with was, we're we going to be alright. Its amazing how faced with a uncertain future she can still be concerned for her little brother.

Anyway i hope things turn out ok for you in the long run, which i'm sure they will.

Kim

[Smiler]

Kim

What a wonderful, unselfish, brave person your sister is.

Deborah x

[Miffy]

Big { { { Hugs } } } for you.
Hang on in there.

I was going to suggest some practial solutions but smiler beat me to and said eaxtely what I was going to say.

[Avalon]

Kim,

Would also (again) mirror exactly what Smiler said. What a wonderful and beautiful family you have. Thats the kind of family I have, and I hope that should I ever have children, I behave as wonderfully as they have.

Im currently wearing my "pink ribbon" as its breast cancer week here, so my donation can be for your sister.

{{{HUGS}}}}