[Debbie]

Stop the world, I want to get off!

Well at least off this emmigration roll-a-coster.

Please someone tell me this is normal.

I've come to a point, for a reason I can't put my finger one, where Im compleatly non plus about the whole idea of going to NZ. Can't say I don't want to go but can't say Im thrilled at the thought either. This is new to me, I've always been scared but convinced about what we are doing. For the first time I've got MAJOR doubts about IT. What is bugging the hell out of me is that Im not able to say what IT is. I don't know what has caused this apathy or I would do something about it.

I would just sit back and ride this black mood out in the thought that I will either discover what the IT is, research IT and then make an informed-ish decision, or this mood will pass and I'll put it down to experience. However, i have my ITA interview looming any time now and Im not sure I can convince NZIS that I'm viable candidate feeling like this.

I know that I need to hold it together, get the interview out the way and then sit back and re-evaluate NZ. This way I'll have time to work this through but still keep the option of going open. If I muck up the interview we loose our options.

I try and convince myself that feeling neutral about NZ is a good thing, it means I have lost the fantasy of it being some form of promised land. But I'm not convinced. I worry that if NZ is loosing it's shine and Im not even there will I cope when/if we do get there.

So sorry for the downer, not even sure this forum is the right place for this. More venting my problem than expecting a solution. But if anyone recognised this and has come though the other side let me know Im not loosing my marbles.

Feeling sorry for myself again, it will never do. Where is that stiff upper llip when you need it.

[willsken]

I think this is a normal feeling. I have been though this feeling already and I'm not as far along in the process as you. I really think that if you didn't have these doubts (black moods) you would be abnormal!! :uhoh

The whole process is very very stressful and we all have different reactions to stress. You say that your interview is coming up. Are you nervous about this? Are you like me, you convince yourself that you don't really want something just in case it doesn't work out and then you can say to yourself...well it doesn't matter I didn't want it that much anyway!!

Ask your self this, have your reasons for wanting to go changed at all? Is there something major you have just found out about NZ that has put you off? If not, this is the normal feeling most people get. Sit tight try to stay positive so the interview goes ok THEN, and only then, step back and decide if you want the move. It will be YOUR choice then. :yes

Hope things work out OK for you :nice1

Nicola

[Aydon]

Yep - myself and MAydon have been going through these same things - no specific reasons - just a "downer".

I am presuming (Hoping?) that it's normal - it's a big step we are taking, but if we didn;t want to do it we wouldn;t have applied int he forst place - nothing has changed majorly. Have a hot bath tonight, open a bottle of red wine and a bar of Dairy Milk - then tomorrow you will be ready to smile at interview and say how much you are looking forward to the new life :)

[Babette & Andy]

Debbie - you're feelings are totally normal, as far as I'm concerned :wah To me it's an indication of making this lifechanging decision with your eyes wide open. You're not expecting NZ to a total paradise, you're realistic in your expectations, which should help when facing the many challenges that lie ahead when you get there. Agree with Nicola - have your orignal reasons for embarking on this rollercoaster changed?? Maybe attending one of the forum meetings (next NW meet before Christmas) will help alleviate some 'fears' / 'doubts' etc etc you may be having a the moment - by simply meeting with a group of people who understand what you're going through.

Hang in there, and use the forum to voice your thoughts etc. PM me if you like. Hope you find out what IT is - and then please share it with us so we can all work at IT :yes

Hugs
Babette

[willsken]

Yes, I have to add, the last time I felt like this I made a list of all the hopes and reasons I had for wanting to go and compared it with the positives for staying in the UK. I will say I don't have 100% reasons for wanting to go, but with 2 little boys futures to think of and a get out of a rut challenge for me and the OH it's pretty much 99.9% :raebanana

I think you need to have a look at the positive threads and perhaps go on some of the web sites that show off the beauty of the country, just to see if you can pick yourself up a bit. :yes

Hey, and just remember, right up until the moment of actually going, you don’t have to!!!! Keep the process going for now and I’ll bet that once you have your interview you’ll feel better. I remember waiting for my qualifications to be assessed and by the time I had heard back I was so disillusioned, NZ was the last country on earth I was moving to, :wah BUT the minute I opened the envelope that said all was OK I was dancing round the room having completely forgotten the feelings on a few minutes before!!!! :D

[Debbie]

Thanks all, Not loosing my marbles just yet then, just as well.

Nicola, I think you are in part right, I was never keen on doing the interview bit. I think it's a bit of a get out, if I muck it up whilst I feel like this then it's because I was having doubt, not because I wasn't good enough. Also I feel its been hanging over me since the day we decided to use me as the applicant almost 10 mths ago.

We went through the mind map OH did right at the start of all of this last night and all of our reasons still hold true with the possible exception of us not being as well off in NZ as we initially thought. But we both agree that with no mortgage as long as OH gets work we will manage to pay the bills and feed ourself which is all that matters.

Thanks Nicola you are right, we have 2 small children, a great life in the UK that can't progress any further than where we are and a want for change.

Just have to keep telling myself "plan for the worst, hope for the best but most importantly live the moment"

And if all else fails, 'stick my pants on my head, two pencils up my nose and plead insanity'.

debbie

[Aydon]

And if all else fails, 'stick my pants on my head, two pencils up my nose and plead insanity'.

debbie

Don't forget to say "wibble" :)

[zardell]

Oh Debbie - we went though all this (and still are if the truth be known) but at the end of the day, you must remember what made you apply in the first place and if you still think you'll be going to a better life then give it a go.
We have lived abroad before (South Africa) and enjoyed every minute of it. Although it transpired that S.A wasnt the place for us we had a wonderful time whilst we were there. And at least we can say we have been. We are not sat here wondering what might have been. Even though we now live back in England,maybe that wont be for too long and then we'll be off for another adventure, this time to N.Z...........who knows??
Just remember, you can aways come home and coming home will not mean that you have failed. NO WAY. It simpy means that you will have dipped your toes in someody elses water and decided that you prefer to swim at home. Now, how many people do you know that can say that???
Good luck and remember. Get that all-important 'stamp' in your passport and then you can decide as to whether or not you use it.
Take care :cheers

[suzie b]

Guess we are going through similar feelings to you too.Someone mentioned to me that we could take our boys for a better life and then when they are older they will leave nz to earn more in europe.However,thaat is true wherever you live.

Although you can return ,financially I feel it would be a dsaster as we would not be able to get on the housing market easily again.

I think you have to be realistic but not let that stop you following your dreams.

I am a lawyer here in the uk and from the threads i have read it may be difficult to get work in my specialism crime(no jokes!).Is this enough to stop me going ,not sure.are ther any other lawyers out there in my position.Anyway, I digress but you are not alone.

[Diny]

Totally normal feelings - don't worry.

We all have different ways of getting through this immigration process, some sail through without the slightest hint of angst - others worry and doubt their motives every step of the way.

My main 'issue' right from the start was ...'if it ain't busted why try to fix it' ...... in other words, our life in the UK was great, nice house, nice area, good school, fantastic family etc. However, maybe we were in a very comfortable rut - who knows. Been here 4 months now and I'm happy we made the move. Something in the back of my mind tells me that it won't be a permanent move but I'm very happy we made it. Yeah I have the worries about getting back on the UK housing market etc, I worry about the future of my boys (I'm still very 'so so' about the education they're getting out here), I miss family & friends more than I ever imagined and I still long for the comfort of my 'Staffordshire security blanket'. Maybe some will scoff at my feelings, others will be sympathetic towards them - there is no right or wrong way to feel.

Just remember that whatever your emotions are at the moment - they are normal and you can bet your bottom dollar that there's others out there feeling the exact same way.

Diny

[Voice]

I agree with Diny and also think your anxieties are totally normal.

Like Diny we had a really nice life in the UK, nice schools, cars, kids in good schools etc, BUT, hubby and I still looked at each other and said "Is this it?" the thought of living that life, however nice, for the rest of our lives just felt mind-numbingly depressing! So we came out to NZ for a look-see and decided to go for it.

Even so, I felt the whole emigration process was a bit like rolling down a hill, and it felt impossible to stop and stand up after a while, I too started wondering if we were doing 'the right thing' and my anxieties increased as we got further into the process and burned more of our UK bridges, the house sold very quickly, the Visa's came through no problems and hubby's job here provided a house and car for the first year! In the end we took the view that 'fate' seemed to be making it all work, so we'd just go with the flow!

We have been here six months now and we really like it, it's a different life but in a good way, we have no mortgage and no loans which is a great feeling, but we live on less and buy fewer things, which actually I like! We came here because we wanted less of the material stuff and more of the stuff that matters, family time and a more laid back way of life, and THAT, we have in spades :)

I hope you soon feel less anxious and that your interview goes well.

[veronica]

As everybody else says, sounds normal. And expect to have the same feelings when you get here too. To me it seems a normal reactiom to the tiredness that results from stress overload.
The only thing is having got this far if you stop now the 'what ifs' will haunt you forever.

[jubjub]

Classic case of the "wobbles", they are just part of the process, some get them sooner than others, others dont get them until they are about to step on the plane!

You will feel better once you have a definite answer to the interview, that will take one barrier out of the way. Just try and get to decision from interview stage, and take it from there.

[shagen]

What you are going through seems pretty normal. When went through it. Bear in mind, the roller coaster ride just does not stop at the "interview" part but is bound to continue :roll :uhoh :yes .

Hang in there, and believe it or not you'll be over in NZ soon.:nice1 Things will move faster once the interview is over. Well, at least that was for us.

Good luck.

[Smiler]

Debbie

I'm with all of the above. It may not be your last case of colleywobbles but it's entirely normal, after all you're not just jumping on the bus to go shopping.

Hang in there, re-assess when you feel the need (and after your interview)
and always come on here for help and support. We are all at different stages and is nice to know someone feels/felt the same. But in the end you will know what's right for you.

Chin up

Deborah

[Debbie]

Thanks everyone, Its been a hard few weeks but your support means loads.
I think 3 thinks have come together to form the problematic IT
1) this dreaded interview
2) I have a great life in the UK, if there was a problem here it would make giving it a go there a lot easier. As Diny said "if it's not broke..." One of the reasons we have it so good here is that we re-evaluated and re-organised our life's 5 yrs ago and moved away from city jobs. We choose to find a job in an area we wanted to live then find a house. We've been very lucky and OH has a 15 min commute so can see the kids first thing and before bed. I would be loathed to give that up.
3) There has been a lot of reality / more negative posts on NZ recently, the information they give I appreciate and they need to said only unfortunatly for me they came at a wobbly moment.
My FIL, who I do not normally see eye to eye with has been the only person who has responed positivly to our venture. The usuall convasation has gone something along the lines of, "NZ?, Do you have a job there?" to which we say "No". Then they all seem to ask "Do you have family there?" to which we say "No" after which there has been a whole range of negitive comments from, "I wouldn't have thought you would go THERE", "Is this something your OH wants to do?", "Why are you doing that?", and the final straw was when someone asked "Are you not happy living here?".
There is an old saying which goes along the lines of ' If 6 people tell you your dead, lie down'. Well everyone, (with exception of FIL) I know and have told has either said out right or implyed that this is a bad idea.
Dispite this negativity Im still not convinced it's a bad idea, Im just now not convinced it's a good one either.

One thing is for sure, With the help of this forum I will be making a more informed choice, knowing the good and the bad side of NZ and I'll get through this with my sanity.

Thanks again for your support.
Debbie
P.S I've stopped telling people what our plans are.

[herseymusic]

Debbie - that sounds like a very pragmatic attitude. Good for you...

This is interesting; there seem to be very different reactions to "moving to NZ" in the UK and the States.

I've been back and forth to NZ 3 times now, and my friends and family always say, "Wow, that sounds amazing! Go for it!"

Whereas it seems like a lot of people from the UK who express a desire to move get the response, "You must not like it here."

Maybe I'm making assumptions, but it sounds like those in the UK are reluctant to admit that there's a better place in the world to live than England. I thought it would be the Americans who felt this way!

Can anyone shed light on this paradox for me?

[Voice]

I think we all have to bear in mind that sometimes people react negatively because of what the effect of your plans will be on them. For families left behind this is obvious, but I also found that some 'friends' were negative purely because they were jealous or because they had never been 'brave' enough to take the risk themselves. The really honest people said 'I envy you' or gave a good reason why they personally wouldn't make such a move and were suprised that we didn't hold the same reservations.

Even so, you have to do what's right for you and your immediate family (and by that I mean those who will be coming with you) In the end we chose to live our lives for ourselves rather than everyone else and that meant accepting the risk that it would all go pear shaped!

It's an anxious time so be nice to yourself. What does your other half think about it all?

[veronica]

America is made up mainly from immigrant families or descendents of them. So the idea of immigration isn't so alien. the UK families many have never LIVED anywhere else, although they are more likely to have travelled overseas for holidays. that help.

[Bean]

Interesting thread.
Debbie we had similar negative responses when we told our friends and families our plans to move to NZ. I found it all a bit distressing and asked my best mate why wasn't everyone more positive. She told me that in all honesty she would miss us, and that it felt a bit like a rejection of her and our friendship. "I geniunely want you both to be happy but at a subconscious level it feels like I'm not good/interesting enough for you to want to stay here".
Now she isn't an irrational underconfident person and I'm glad she told me her feelings as its made our family and friends behaviour easier to understand. I hope that this doesn't make me sound like some kind of big headed girl who thinks that the whole of scotland will mourn her relocation, but it helped to explain the less than enthusastic response we have been getting......compared to the :nice1 that has greeted other (distinctly madder) plans we have hatched.
Funny old world......

Bean

:yes

[leosus]

This is interesting; there seem to be very different reactions to "moving to NZ" in the UK and the States.
I've been back and forth to NZ 3 times now, and my friends and family always say, "Wow, that sounds amazing! Go for it!"
Whereas it seems like a lot of people from the UK who express a desire to move get the response, "You must not like it here."
Maybe I'm making assumptions, but it sounds like those in the UK are reluctant to admit that there's a better place in the world to live than England. I thought it would be the Americans who felt this way!

Can anyone shed light on this paradox for me?

I would have to disagree with that only because of this "American Pride" BS that is everywhere here.

Especially now with the war, I hear all the time if you aren't supporting this, or that then you shouldn't be here- just move to Iraq I have been told. The terminology we use is all about pride, and let me tell you, there have been very few people who understand at all why I would even dare to leave the US on holiday, let alone for good!

Our symbolism is funny too (to me at least). I remember this summer shopping for paint at the Lake of the Ozarks which is a fairly redneck area of the country, and looking at samples next to a mother and daughter who were looking to match the wallpaper border for her bedroom. I glanced over at the border and it was this obnoxious "painting" of a Harley Davidson motorcycle, a bald eagle, and our flag, all bleeding into each other. I almost puked, they just loved it.

It's true, we do have everything you could want here, and more, and more, but that's my problem. People here generally have no sense of reality, or sensitivity to the rest of the world. In my opinion we are an extremely selfish nation who thinks we run the world, and would run it with no thought to anyone else's opinions. The US is an ego-centric, self centered idiot's paradise, and unfortunately that's what a lot of our country is made up of.

No, I find very few Americans who understand why I want to leave, even the ones who are unhappy here. "It's so far" I hear. EXACTLY, I think. "Far from what," I say "Far from everything" (ego centric attitude at work)they say. "That will be what I want to be closest too, so it won't be far at all."

[GeorgeM]

To my knowledge not one of our friends or family were unsupportive of our move. (Perhaps that should get us all paranoid and make us worried ... :) ).

They all said that they would miss us. Some said that they would visit, others that they probably wouldn't (either too costly, or too far).

A good number said that they wished that they could make the move too but that there were either good reasons (normally to do with family) or excuses for not doing so. Several said that they wished they had the nerve to do it but didn't, and knew that they would live to regret it in 20 or 30 or 40 years time.

If any friend had tried emotional blackmail to encourage us to stay it would have made me think very hard about the nature of that particular friendship.

With family it is different - you're landed with your family for good or ill, and at the end of the day your brother/mother/aunt etc is still your b/m/a regardless of how they treat you. But you still have to deal with any familial emotional blackmail in a detached way. Ask yourself - if you were watching the same plot unfold in a play or a film how do you think the person wishing to migrate should behave? The answer would probably be that the person trying to make the potential migrant feel guilty was being unreasonable and selfish and should be ignored (albeit in a tactful manner), and that the person wanting to move overseas should go for it.

[willsken]

I have to say that I also have experienced very little negativity. Maybe that because no one likes me and won't miss me???? ;)

My Dad has already expressed an interest at spending a couple of months every other year in NZ. This is great and if this happens we will see more of him (If you count the hours) than we do now.

My sisters OH asked me how could I leave my lovely family behind. I just replied that I am going to give my boys a better quality of life. They are my sole motivation and that as much as I would miss them all, my little men came first. :yes

[sweetpea]

Hey, and just remember, right up until the moment of actually going, you don’t have to!!!!

Willsken, I love that! In moments when I'm thinking "What the heck am I doing?" the thought of just not stepping onto the plane after all is liberating. Not that I'd actually not go through with it, but the fantasy...

My parents are kinda bleh about the whole NZ thing, but I got lucky in that my sister and her family announced that they were moving to the Philippines for a couple of years, so the heat is off me for now :D It helps, too, that my parents haven't even made it from Illinois to California to visit (in 7 years :uhoh), so it's not likely they'll be the ones making the trips back and forth.