[katiejay]

I saw my brother, Michael, on Sunday. He lives nearest to me of all my family - 2 miles away in the next village, but I only see him every few months, at family gatherings - BBQ's, weddings, that sort of thing. He's not big on talking about his feelings, and has never mentioned New Zealand to me once in the years we've been planning this. But on Sunday he said, out of the blue, just as I was leaving for home "when you go to New Zealand, I'll never see you again". He had that lopsided smile of his, and his eyes were so sad. I was choked, unprepared for it, and I just replied "we don't have to talk about this now" before I hurried off.
The thing is, we are going - nothing will change that (unless NZ doesn't want us, of course) - so talking about it won't alter the fact, and he's just so sad. For him to speak about it now, it must have been playing on his mind, and he must have accepted the reality of it. And he's so sad, already, and there's over a year to go.
I feel selfish, because although I'll be sorry to leave my family, I want New Zealand more. I think I need some advice on what to say to Michael and the rest of my family - simple words that won't embarrass them, but that make them understand why this is important enough to hurt them for. Isn't it cruel?? Michael has a fear of flying....... :wah

[NannyOgg]

KatieJay
I sympathise totally. And whilst you are making the choice that you want NZ more than seeing him on a regular basis he also can make the choice as to whether he wants to see you more than face a trip to the docs to get some drugs for the flight - how often you will see him is not just down to you is it?

I usd th edrugs first time - they are great.

Harsh I know but also true x

Take care

nanny x

[diforsyth]

The world is no longer the big place it used to be. If you left for NZ 40 years ago then chances were you never came back. It only takes 24 hours to fly between NZ and the UK now and the cost is not prohibitive, so tell your brother that you will see him again.

You may even find that with the communications offered across the internet nowadays that you might actually be in contact with him more than if you stayed 2 miles away.

David.

[StevieD]

Yeah, I can second that, my brother only lives 2 miles away and we hardly see each other, and have only just started talking again after a silly spat.

But there are plenty of programmes designed to help people overcome fear of flying, and the drugs are useful too.

If he wants to expand his horizons, he has more motive than ever now that you are on your way. And you aren't moving away from them, because of them, you are just moving home.

Good luck Katiejay, whatever you decide to say.

XX Steve

[katiejay]

Thanks for your wise words - I shall certainly recommend drugs to my brother!! And you're right - the world is a small place. Maybe me going will help him get over his phobia??? That's one way for me to twist this round and make it right!! :o
I've been thinking about this all afternoon, and I think I'll just 'phone him and say exactly what's in my heart. That way, if either of us cry a bit it won't be so embarrassing!!
You may even find that with the communications offered across the internet nowadays that you might actually be in contact with him more than if you stayed 2 miles away.
David.
That's probably the biggest truth of all - me being thousands of miles away will bring us closer together!
Kay

[NannyOgg]

Have you picke dthat phone up yet girl?! :nice1

[Bergita]

You know, I haven't even told my parents our plans yet. They're in the middle of a move, and they live so far away as it is.... But today I spoke to my father on the phone, and he is planning to visit every 6 months now that he's retired, and I just can't bring myself to break it to him that in a year I plan to be gone.

Telling your family and friends that much as you love them, you're going to leave anyway is difficult. It breaks my heart, but now I have a small child and I don't want her to have to live in fear. I guess I just have to trust that they'll be supportive and understand my reasons. But a bit later...

So how does this help you? Not at all, but I feel your pain.

[katandbob]

we were close to Robs bros and sisters, and we were all best friends...went out together at weekends..etc, they totally lost the plot, were in denial till we left, and the week before were really upset, but they ring (the seamans mission near my S-i-L office is doing a roaring trade in phone cards)...at a bbq recently we were web chatting ...felt strange holding a cuppa instead of a stubbie thou! but they have got over the initial abandonment issues, and now we have more to talk about other than what we did at work....they are taking great pleasure in telling us how HOT it is over there, and we talk about how even thou its winter, the sun shines, we go exploring!

they are all renewing their passports...even thou they said they wouldnt visit! cost etc...so in the end, you dont loose them, you just adapt your relationships....And MSN & SKYPE are great for video calls....ie for the non speed typers!

hope your call went well

Kat

[katiejay]

Well Nanny, I've put it off for another day. It's really strange - I usually have no problems at all telling everyone who'll listen exactly how I feel........But my big brother - not a chance! I will call him, though, I will.
Bergitta - it may help to know that we did the same with Chris' mum. He put it off and put it off, and then one day she was the one who came out and asked him if he wanted to live in NZ! Turns out we're so enthusiastic about the place without really knowing it, she'd guessed we wanted to go. She wasn't at all against it - she gave us her blessing straight away and said she'd wished she'd done the same herself when she was younger.
Sometimes I think it's the pictures we build up in our minds that frighten us more than the reality. I've replayed in my head the conversation I will have with my brother, but I know it won't be anything like that in truth.
After all is done, we do what we have to do. My spirit's gone to a land I've never seen, and no-one who loves me would want to tie me here with no spirit.
You people are great by the way. Where else can we pour our hearts out and have others understand exactly how we feel, and rally round. I feel like I'm gaining a family, not losing one!
I'll be here for you, too, when you need me............ ;) Blub....

[Gumbygreeneye]

I've noticed on reading these hallowed pages that a number of people mention relatives or friends who make it difficult for people to leave. I mean this more in the sense that their reaction is not one of sadness but of offense. It of course can be that this is just their way of expressing hurt.

Here of course it seems genuine sadness but in itself can be a lovely compliment to know how much of a part you played in someone's lives.

We've been so lucky in that everyone has been so lovely about us going that it makes us feel the loss ourselves a little more. ...unless they're trying to get rid of us!

However you only get one shot at your life and you can't live it for others! Quite rightly people are saying it's not that far. Get him to do a few short haulers with stop overs for a few days.

Also, you may actually get to see more of some people than you would if you stayed. When mum and dad come over it'll be for a few months, if I don't pack them off within five minutes of them arriving. Lets face it, relatives and some friends though I love 'em can be a pain in the PR :exit

I quite agree on the comment you made about others on the site understanding exactly how you feel. It's a great source of comfort. Plus when I get bored I just shut the laptop. When was the last time you could do that with a relative and them not give you grief. There's always MSN.. oops my connection's slowed... down to... nothi............

[Diny]

I know what you're going through. When we broke the news to my family that we'd be moving to the other side of the globe everybody was 100% supportive. They always knew it was part of the grand plan. Everybody that is except my sister. We are VERY close (in fact the whole family are joined at the hip - just the way I like it). Her reaction was very puzzling. It was almost as though she was majorly ****** off with me, she became very distant, cut conversations short, was very abrupt when we did chat and turned into a stranger almost over night. At the time I was devestated, I had no idea why she was being so 'snotty' with me. Anyway, it works out that she too was devestated, the fact that she was losing her sister and best friend was tearing her apart, her 'moods' were just her way of masking the pain she was feeling.

Here I am 12 months post immigration. The lines of communication are very much up and running between the UK and NZ - thanks to internet, webcams, text messages and cheap deals with telecom, I chat as much with my family now as I did when I was living in the UK. I've had a trip back a couple of months ago (and I can report that we all just picked up as though we'd seen each other the day before) - and all of us are going home for 8 weeks at Christmas.

I miss my family so much it hurts, some days it's crippling, but picking up the phone or connecting the webcam usually does the trick. It's true how people comment on the world being such a small place these days.

17 years ago we lived in Darwin Australia, those were the days of expensive phone calls, hand written letters home once a week and very high air fares. Believe me, living as an ex-pat these days is a sinch compared to that.

The reality isn't as bad as the build up. These days living overseas to ones family and friends doesn't mean goodbye forever. If both parties are keen to keep in touch then there's nothing stopping you do so.

Reminds me of my great uncle, he emigrated to Australia from the UK when he was 20 years old - left several siblings and his parents behind. It was 50 years before he returned for a holiday. He was an old man and a stranger to his family - now that I DO find sad. However part of me believes that where there's a will there's a way ...... if Uncle Roger had really wanted to visit home before the 50 year mark I'm pretty sure he could have found a way to do so.

I never say goodbye, I always say 'see you soon' - it makes departing so much kinder on all concerned.

Diny

[Glo & Gil]

HI all

I think I am luckier, my brother + family have decided that they will make a try for NZ as well & if God bless we will be on the same land.

But I do understand the various opinions & I think family get use & finally accept the fact that loved ones make the move for a better future. We are only humans and it is always hard to accept any kind of seperation.

have a good day

glo

[felix]

Very sad Katie..had all types of dynamics and aggro when Kate myself and our 3 kiddies left. Don't feel bad..its your life..you only get one and YOU MUST DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everytrhing else comes second.. I have a sister who will never ever come over here..but I guess you will be able to go home now and then..we have been here 15 months and we will return for 4 weeks July 2007..who knows when there after. Your brother could consider fighting his fear..it can be done. We got very, very little support from anyone when we went..personally I wonder how much these people REALLY love us..personally if it were my sibling I would be utterly delighted for them and would ensure that they got my support. Sometimes poeple get way too wrapped up in what is bothering them rather than what is right for their loved one. Let no one douse your spirits or will! It is a really wonderous place and I would wish to be nowhere else in spite of all the problems this move has bought....you have a lot to look forward to..our lives have never been better!! Best wishes Dom XX

[Debbie P.]

I can totally identify with everyone who's had problems telling their family. We still haven't told my mum that we're planning to leave in 15 months' time. She made enough fuss when I left home to live in London a few years ago, so I just don't know how she'll react. And should we tell her when she's alone or should we arrange a meeting with my 2 sisters (who live nearby) there to cushion the blow? It's SO tricky! We tested the ground by telling Martin's mum first, as we thought she'd be the easy one, but she took it really badly - she just said 'Well, I won't be going there to visit you' and that was that.

Whatever we do, it's got to be soon. The other day, my sister told me she wanted to rewrite her will to make me the legal guardian of her 2 children in case something happens to both her and their father. I felt really awful not saying anything about the fact that if I WAS their guardian I would probably drag them halfway across the world away from their grandparents and friends - something that I'm sure she would not be happy about. So I'm under pressure to tell her... but I can't tell her before telling my mum! Aaargh...

[off2nz]

I'm really sorry to hear of all the trouble some of you guys are having with telling your relatives and their reactions.

When my hubby told his parents they were stunned to say the least and his mother said there is absolutely no way she would ever come to see us and if we wanted to see her again we would have to go back to the UK. We've been in NZ for nearly 8 weeks now and when we spoke to his mum on the phone last weekend it turns out that they have been completing their passport application forms and are planning on coming over in November 2007 to see us!!! Now who's stunned! I never would have said it.

I agree with comments that other people have made as far as it's your life and you've only got one chance to live it. Good luck.

[David with a dream]

Hi KatitJay,

My big sis lived about 2 hrs drive from me and we saw each other once or twice a year. Just like any bro/sis we did argue and we have had our up's and down over the years. She now lives in South Australia and I really do miss her very much and I guess not having her just up the track has really hit home these last few months. So I can really understand what you are both going through...Good luck......David

[katiejay]

When you think about it, talking to someone on the 'phone, you could be next door or thousands of miles away - it really doesn't make any difference. So I was thinking - that's not so bad - and there's email and webcams...... And then I thought, when do I have most fun around my brothers and sister and the rest of the family? At family gatherings, that's when.............seeing the new babies, watching the nieces and nephews growing up and pulling their legs about when they were little, cheating at board games with my big brothers, mock-arguments about the rules, reminiscing about funny things mum did.........that's what I'll miss. You can't sit around in a group on the 'phone and smile to yourself watching one of them get a ribbing about their hairline or their golf handicap.
My sister moved to France 18 months ago and she flies back every couple of months or so and insists on a family gathering every time she comes. And I've just twigged why.......You don't get that feeling with friends, however close - that continuity - like we've been this way forever, and always will be. So I'm going to make the most of it, because all this while I thought I wouldn't really miss it that much, and I was wrong. I will miss that, and they will, too. But we've got 18 months to fill with memories and say the things that get left unsaid in families because we've been this way forever, and always will be. I just have to find the way to do it............I might write them all a letter or do a speech or tell a story, I don't know. But somehow, I must get across that these are rare and precious times and we must treasure them, because my future is inevitable, and after all this, I still want NZ more. :)

[Moorf]

You can't sit around in a group on the 'phone and smile to yourself watching one of them get a ribbing about their hairline or their golf handicap.




Very true, but webcams, whilst feeling a bit strange and alien in terms of "closeness" are something I love using now. I sat and watched last week as my neice opened up her birthday pressies in the morning - both ends had the webcams and microphones going and it was so lovely to chat and feel a part of it - I got to see all her pressies and she put the cards to the camera so I could read what great-granny had written etc.

Kate it's a shame your bro has a fear of flying. We had a "flight fund" when we arrived and we used that to fly over our brothers and sisters and their families, would your brother be persuaded to do a "fear of flying" course with one of the big airlines if you paid or something?

Alternatively, my best friend has a terrible fear of flying and I am so glad I managed to talk her into going to the Doc's and getting some tablets as we managed to enjoy a lovely holiday together in the Caribbean, the first time in her 36yrs she'd flown, she died the next year, life's too short not to give these things a try....

Or there's always the route by sea....

[NannyOgg]

Katiejay

Moorf mentione dthe fear of flying courses - I did a one day one with Virgin at Crawley near Gatwick called Fly Without Fear - it was excellent - and took away some of the sourcery elemnt of flying for me.
x

[katiejay]

would your brother be persuaded to do a "fear of flying" courseWell it's worth a try, isn't it? He's pretty stubborn for a man (what am I saying???), but I'll suggest it. the sourcery elemnt of flying - Nanny, that IS scary! :laugh Appropriate for Nanny Ogg, though!
I'm off to visit my sister in France tomorrow for a couple of weeks. I'll have a good old chinwag with her over a bottle of gin and some tonic, and see what she suggests - she's very wise when she's drunk!
The webcam is a definite essential, I think, even though I'm trying to get away from 'toys' and gadgets. How's broadband over there, though - you obviously don't have a problem with the connection speed where you are, Moorf?
life's too short not to give these things a try....I'm so sorry about your friend, Moorf. I hope you have fond memories of her to comfort you. How brave of her to conquer her fears, though - a lesson for us all.
Kx