[montana]

Not sure if there has been a thread on this already - couldn't find one. Just wondering if anyone has great tips for making friends. I am very outgoing and have moved around quite a bit - and have never had any trouble meeting people or making friends. For some reason it seems more difficult here? Could have much to do with the fact that I am doing a self study course for my qualifications here- so I don't have the work or school contacts and no kids. I guess the obvious ones are community classes and groups and volunteering which I plan to start doing soon.

The other thing was that I read on here somewhere (Diny was it you?) that one of your neighbours said he thought it was good you sort of kept to yourselves in the beginning because kiwis couldnt stand foreigners acting like they owned the place (or something to that effect). That is probably a generalization but scared me off a little from just knocking on our neighbour's doors and introducing myself! I am also very conscious of not coming off like a loud American so I try to be a little subdued. :0)

Anyone else have similar experiences or any input?

This website has been great - I have met some really nice expats so thanks for that!

[Diny]

The other thing was that I read on here somewhere (Diny was it you?) that one of your neighbours said he thought it was good you sort of kept to yourselves in the beginning because kiwis couldnt stand foreigners acting like they owned the place (or something to that effect). !

Yeah it was me who mentioned that. Not sure whether he was being abit 'general' or not though. However, I could see where he was coming from.

I've replied to your PM.

Diny

[Moorf]

Hi Montana

My experience has been very, very different and all I can do is relate my experiences.

I have found, both here and in various other places I've lived in, that keeping yourself to yourself can be frowned upon and the longer you leave it the more likely you are to get sarcy comments when out and about and the more likely people will decide for themselves what you are like. I've also been told on several occasions that "they'll only ask twice" - meaning if you pass up too many invites they won't bother again. It's up to you how much or how little you want to be involved.

You'll find, or at least we have in all our properties here, that people here like to know their neighbours.

To some that might seem like being nosey and you'll soon get the balance right for you (believe me, I have neighbours who thought it was ok to come right on in and put the kettle on... without knocking... soon put that right..).

Another way to do it is to build up a locality if you can - try and visit the same shops / library and you'll start building up a rapport with shopkeepers, share gossip about the area / people. If a quick trip to the local supermarket turns in to a full on debate on the local crime/kids/irrigation system then great - take it for what it is - friendly banter. They're less likely to do this in the Pak'n'Scratches / Woollies etc but to be expected.

What about a part time job? My library job introduced me to loads of people, and I still see a few of them socially 8 months after leaving? What about a short craft course or something that interests you - on a recent cheese course I met lots of girls and had a lovely day and I now have a new friend from that. The local cafes all know us and just a couple of weeks ago one of the girls who served us asked me out for a drink locally. And, of course, there's the Chch evening out that is currently being arranged and I'd love to meet up for a coffee if you're flexible on times as I too work from home. :nice1

Sorry, I'm rambling.

At the end of the day Kiwi's are just people who are getting on with their lives and might, or might not, have time for you. Yep, some might even decide they don't like you. So what. There's always one.

I can't speak for all of NZ, and perhaps we've got lucky, but all I can relate is what I find. Hope it helped.

Moorf

[montana]

Thanks Moorf and Diny,

Must admit when I saw that over 60 people had read my post but not responded my paranoia level really went up! I started thinking "Oh well I guess everyone else found it really easy to make friends and it is just me!" Or that everyone thought I should just suck it up and quit whining about not meeting people/making friends.

The point of my post was to stop feeling sorry for myself and take a positive step to meet more people. I thought other people may have thought of something I hadnt or that maybe I was unwittingly breaking some cultural rule I didn't know about! Personally I have found it harder to make friends here than anywhere else I've ever lived. I do think in large part that has to do with the fact that a)My course is self study, so not meeting people that way b)no job yet c)no kids. I don't mean that to sound defeatist- those are just the usual avenues where you do meet people. But I have made a big effort and been really friendly, and sometimes I do feel its not received the same as it might be somewhere else.

I guess like everywhere else though, kiwis are just people too and it helps to remember that. People have their own lives, families and interests and many times just don't have the time to get together unless you put forth a huge effort first.

Thanks for your advice Moorf. I had started looking into volunteering and community clubs when I put the post up and they are materializing. :0)

Here's to fast friend making for everyone!

[sizzlingbadger]

I read your post last night but decided that I had to have a think over my reply.

For me it's been really easy getting to know people, we have three kids. I've met a really broad range of mums and we've been invited to loads of bbqs, parties etc. So this is by far the best place I've lived as I put myself out there this time rather than hiding in the house like I have done in the past. Even though I did try and meet people everyone seemed to be pre judgemental on me being young and having 3 kids in the UK, here they don't seem to be bothered in fact the more kids the better :)

For my husband it has taken a bit longer. He knows most of his work colleagues now. 16 mths on from moving here he's finally getting to know some of the parents I know and getting to know the locals on the train better. He does find it really hard to put himself out there and finds it awkward with the small talk but it is working.

As Moorf has said try and get involved in some local classes, visit the library every other week is another good way of meeting people. Most people go into hiding over the winter months anyway and when the sun comes out you'll probably find yourself invited to some neighbours bbqs. We broke the ice by holding our own bbq for a birthday party/house warming last Nov as we moved in in July it was really quiet at the weekends. It is again at the moment until it warms up and then we're usually invited out most weekends which is great for the kids.

Go introduce yourself to the neighbours, just so they know who you are and never turn down an invite :) Good Luck shouldn't take you long.

[K&CS]

Hi Montana

Whereabouts in Chch are you? If you fancy a coffee some time, give me a shout!

I have to agree with what Helen has said - there is no advice I can add to that really. Only that real friendships can sometimes take time - what starts off as a casual acquaintance can take a year or so to develop into a strong friendship - just try and be patient. Would be really interested to hear what part of Chch you're in - I've found people to be very friendly here, but my circumstances are a bit different (3 kids).

Good luck and try not to get down - you'll have a good network of friends eventually!

Kate

[jubjub]

I am not much help either, cos I met folks through antenatal classes and coffee groups with the baby. But one bit of advice I heartily agree with is what Moorf said, dont turn down an invite, even if you are not really in the mood, go anyway, you may be surprised, and if its not what you want, you can always make a polite exit.

I accept all invites I get (turn up to the opening of an envelope as they say), but it means you meet more and more people as time goes on, I now go to the shops and I generally bump into someone I recognise from somewhere!! Not got any really close friends yet, but a couple of folks I can ring for a coffee, or a playdate for Andrew, and that does me for now.

An evening class or something does sound like a great idea, or have a look in the local community centre/library notice boards for walking groups or something?

[katandbob]

hi I will reply :) ....but I have only been here a little while, but I am basically in the same boat as you, as we know no one from this area, ie from the forum.
I have one friend, who I made through taking up her offer of riding her horse, and she in turn has invited me to her riding club meet, so I met them all a week last sunday for an hour or two riding Nic'd horse, anyway I bumped into 4 of them at a saddlery warehouse sale at the Ascot hotel on Sunday, THEY all said hello and stopped for a chat, there was one woman that was just hacking her horse out when I was waiting for Nicola and the riding club at the reserve, she recognised me too, even remembered my name!....And all this because I said yes to one invite.

I find that if I say hello and answer their questions, which in turn end up into conversations.

So say hi, if they ignore you then they are not worth knowing, one of my neighbours has not said a word since we moved in, despite my smiling through the window when shes having a fag on the doorstep...she went further into the garden! So you see there are some that like to keep to themselves....I didn't take it personally, more like they are fed up of living next to a rental! :roll

I am off to a Hunt ball, invited by Nicola and the others at the riding club, this will give Rob a chance to meet the husbands/OH's as other than the work mates he has he has not made any friends either....my work mates are all gardners/men, I say hello and chat, they like to poke fun at me being a POM but I am slowly getting to know them, I think it just takes time.

To be honest I cant wait to meet up with Helen in September at the airport! :cheers it will be nice to chat.

well good luck and when your feeling down, just pop on here like I do :nice1

Kat

[sarahw]

Hi there,

I found it a little hard to start with - I was at home all day studying full-time correspondence course with UK Open University whilst hubby was out at work all day.

I started to go crazy at home on my own after a few weeks & volunteered for a charity related to the degree I was studying. Best thing I ever did - within 6 weeks of volunteering I was offered a year's contract working part-time. I met loads of lovely people & have a wonderful network of friends - I would call 5 of those I work with close friends, which is quite unusual for me to find so many good friends in one place.

Wives & girlfriends of hubby's workmates have also been good people to get to know.

We met some people from the forum, some of our best friends moved over here once we'd made the move too, which helped having someone at the end of the phone - even if not on our doorstep.

Then the neighbours - as Moorf says - some neighbours are extra friendly - we were lucky - ours were lovely & they were going on a late 'OE' (retired couple!!), but their son & wife & kids who are our age moved in for the year. I get on with the daughter-in-law very well - we often can be found chatting over the garden fence (or phoning each other!!) and in each other's houses or the shopping mall together. Will be sad when she moves 5 mins drive down the road next month when her parents-in-law come back!

I also did art classes at evening class & although I didn't make any lasting friends there it felt good to be out with another bunch of like-minded people.

19 months after we moved here we are spoilt for choice who to go out with/invite over & often get 3 or 4 invites for the same day.

Relax, it will happen, it just takes time. Be assured, things do get easier & if you're friendly & outgoing you won't have a problem. As I had to remind myself - it took me 30-odd years to build up the friendships I had at home, so they were going to take time to develop here.

Amazing how quickly it did happen though!

[Smiler]

Must admit when I saw that over 60 people had read my post but not responded my paranoia level really went up! I started thinking "Oh well I guess everyone else found it really easy to make friends and it is just me!" Or that everyone thought I should just suck it up and quit whining about not meeting people/making friends.



Hi Montana

No it's not just you. I find it excruciating to 'put myself out there' and also to reply to your thread.(And yes I can see some people going :eek: at that!) Working from home means it would have been easy to turn into a hermit or the mad woman that feeds the birds.

I struggled at first, OH had a normal job, meeting people and working in an office and I was stuck at the end of an internet connection. :( I hated him coming home and telling me what he had done, who he had met, when I hadn't even managed the shopping, but s-l-o-w-l-y I met some (now very) good friends from this forum. I began to be more confident in going to places, cafes, shops etc. I function better on familiar territory, so once I knew a place, I managed to go back alone. Me sitting having coffee alone with a book, bliss, but unknown before.

I joined pilates, yoga and like Sal says, never turned down an invite, even the opening of an envelope and even when I had to go on my own. I also joined a dance class twice a week (think Dumbo in a tu-tu here) and made friends and coffee mates, people that said hello in the supermarket. None of that was easy for me, but I didn't fancy sitting in on my own forever, while my UK friends lived their lives.

We've now moved to a smaller community, where the doc's receptionist knows your name without asking and the deli lady says she has your fav Kumara cakes in that day and as people approach you, you will find it easier to move forward. Some may think Stepford wives but I like the fact my neighbours say, welcome to your new home with a bottle. Another lovely forum member took me to the pub ladies night :cheers and I certainly wouldn't have gone on my own.

I'm booking art classes at the local gallery after chatting to the owner for an hour and a half! and I helped the post office lady mend her printer, just because I asked her how her carpy day was (and she told me). I've done voluntary work with the elderly and children in the UK and in the future I'd like to work with the elderly again. There's a scheme here where you can give 20 mins to people and help them out in the home.

It doesn't happen overnight and I cringe at the tears I had missing my friends and feeling sorry for myself, but believe me you can do it. Just breathe in, straighten those shoulders, SMILE and say Hi my name is ..........

Good luck.

[thomas family]

Hi Montana

I think most people find it difficult to make new friends, its a case of where do you start! Well from my own experience it takes time and you just need staying power! When we first moved in to our house we sent informal invites to all our neighbours in the cul de sac and held a coffee and cake morning only expecting a few to turn up, that morning they all arrived bearing lots more cake. :) My kettle was never turned off and it now allows us to at least know who are neighbours are and they always wave to us and pop in occassionally.

As smiler already said never turn down an invitation, even though it might not be quite what you are looking for at the moment you never know where it might lead.

Smile, if you're smiling, somene will always smile back.
:)

[montana]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. They really have made me feel more positive. As many of you have said, you really do just have to put yourself out there. I think being in a new country makes that hard sometimes. I was dealing with so many other things I really didnt feel like myself.

But looking at it rationally means forget the pre-judgments you think people may have about you (because they might not), forget the fact that some people just may not like you (and if they don't then there are plenty of other people around that will and remember that you are a nice person who is indeed worth knowing! (no matter where you are from) I expect there will still be hard days and tears, and sometimes it is hard to put yourself out there when you don't feel like yourself. But, you have to give it a try.

And, it just takes time. I've only been here 3 months. Perhaps I can't expect a fully booked social calendar just yet. Soon though! :clap

[veronica]

Hiya, Pete and I have been in a different situation to most as we get a lot of company running the backpackers but we have met our neighbours and class them as friends. with us its been pretty equal with them coming to meet us and us going to them.
But if you are in chch you are more than welcome to come and see us, we run two businesses so are fairly busy but will PM details if your want some more contacts.

[montana]

Hi Veronica, Thanks very much for that. I've tried to PM you back a couple of times but it is saying there is something wrong w/ the site and to refresh my browser. Not sure what that means but I assume they didnt go through
Anyway, may stop by at some point but if for some reason I don't see you, will look forward to meeting up at the Twisted Hop!

[Melza7]

Crikeys you have some long posts there.

Just saying gidday! I SOOO know what it is like trying to make friends, while in Canada I was very lonely, only made one friend - so now I am back in Christchurch I have been going on websites to help people that are now in my situation - NEW to town and trying to make friends!!
Different when you are at skool huh!
Go to www.gumtree.co.nz - post an advert on there.
I have PM you today.
Ciao

[Moorf]

Melza - there's a couple of us girls meeting for a coffee next Thursday if you'd like to join us? That goes for anyone who fancies elevenses and a catch up in Chch :nice1 PM me...

[jodieinchch]

Elevenses, sounds cute!

[Moorf]

It's like brunch but without the bacon :D

[auskiwi]

So, what exactly does "elevenses " mean?? :o

[Avalon]

"A nice sit down with a cup of tea"
Usually around 11am when you are totally bored with work and feel that you have done enough for for the day.

[Melza7]

I will be working, 8.30am - 5.30pm, 5 days a week! Thanks for invite thou!

[K&CS]

Anyone remember Tom on the Good Life saying 'twenty past ten - time for elevenses'. Always makes me think of that when someone says elevenses.

[auskiwi]

Oooh, elevenses sounds like a WONDERFUL idea! How about twelvies, onesies etc, etc too...I could happliy sit around and drink tea all day long...wouldn't get these 5000 boxes packed though! Ugh.

Amy (the stressed out, packing fiend who is planning to have a large box burning bonfire when we finally get settled somewhere in NZ!).

[wilson182]

Melza - there's a couple of us girls meeting for a coffee next Thursday if you'd like to join us? That goes for anyone who fancies elevenses and a catch up in Chch :nice1 PM me...

Hey Guys


Why on a Thursday??.......That SO Unfair:wah


(dont mind me Im only Jealous:D :yes )

[Moorf]

S'ok, I'm jealous you've got a job!! :D (except on sunny weekdays !!)

[Melza7]

Hey Sonia
I have pm'd you a few times... hope to hear from you soon! Hey I just had a cuppa with my mate Clare - and you know her!! ha ha

[Avalon]

Oooh, elevenses sounds like a WONDERFUL idea! How about twelvies, onesies etc, etc too...I could happliy sit around and drink tea all day long...wouldn't get these 5000 boxes packed though! Ugh.

Amy (the stressed out, packing fiend who is planning to have a large box burning bonfire when we finally get settled somewhere in NZ!).
I do "Second Breakfasts" quite a bit if that helps :D

[Melza7]

Hi ladies, did you end up catching up for cuppa?
I might go to Twisted Hop on Sat.