[thepiesleys]

My eldest boy is 13 and really is adamant that we are runing his life by taking him to NZ. According to him it is not going to be a pleasant experience and he is coming home as soon as he is 16!?

I know it is terribley hard for him to leave his friends and footclub etc, but i keep trying to promote everything NZ has to offer us as a family( me, OH and 3 boys) but it would be so much more if he could perhaps hear from kids his own age - so my request is

do any of you have teenagers ( particularlyboys) who have made the move successfully, if so what sort of things did they do to meet friends (apart from school) say at weekends, and what generally do they think of NZ?

I am alternating between feeling upset and sorry for him and telling him to be thankful for having an opportunity a lot only dream of and to stop whinging!!

looking forward to your views

Sue

[StevieD]

Teenagers huh! There is nothing to do other than hope it is just one of those awkward teenage things. There are plenty of people on here who have made the move with teenage boys/girls, so sure they will be able to help you out.

Good luck

Steve

[SarahEDH]

This may not help, but -- the only thing that ever helped with my teenager (now grown) was to acknowledge her feelings and not try to persuade her of the advantages of something she was really opposed to. All I could say was "I know you don't like this, and I'm sorry, but this is where we are. I understand you aren't going to be happy right now and I'm not asking for that. We'll get through it."

SarahEDH

[katandbob]

I have 2 teenage boys, 16 & 18, both constantly remind me that we have moved them to hicksville country (they mean the whole of NZ) the moan about the crap TV, food - well basically everything, the eldest is starting work next week (reminding me that he gave up a Very good apprenticeship in the UK) and that this won't be half as good!

I have tried to explain and in the end I am tuning out to their moans - and hitting the red wine!!!! :o

All I can say is your not alone - but when yours starts school then he will make friends - the youngest did not want to go back to school - so he is sitting at home on an xbox till his apprenticeship starts - he was told FEB - OH HECK - I said where do you want to work - Countdown. Pac & slave or Warehouse! :laugh
I cant have him isolating himself for 4 mths.

I wish we had moved a few years ago when they were 13, then they at least have a few years to adjust before the workplace.

Once again good luck and don't take it out on yourself too much, as he may change his mind and stay in a few years - he will after all grow up in these next years (if teenage boys ever do grow up!) :nice1

Kat

[pieeater]

Our boy was 11 when we brought him and he really didn't want to come.He loved playing Rugby League and going watching games.Heavily into wildlife.He was doing really well at school etc.etc.It was heartwrenching when he left his friends.On the first day here we just stuck him and his sister on the bus and waited nervously for them to arrive home.Yuk he hated it,thought the kids were pushy,he struggled,they had little in common with him.Now 5 years on he loves it, has a group of close friends and the Teachers love him,he's still doing very well,working towards his N,C,E,A,s,he's a country boy now though,rides a trail bike.Loves the beach,plays mean guitar,got a cute girlfriend,he's sorted.He's a much 'Bigger' person for the move here and whatever the future brings I feel that the move here was certainly good for him.I'll try and get him to give his perspective for you but no promises,you know what theyre like.

[off2nz]

We moved here in May of this year with our 2 daughters - a 15 year old and a 17 year old. The 17 year old really wanted to come and is enjoying herself but the 15 year old didn't want to at all. She was going to leave NZ and return to England as soon as she was 16 (in one month today), she hated us, we've ruined her life, etc, etc. I must admit that we have certainly paid for it with her tantrums and her bad behaviour since being here but she's not mentioned about going back to the UK for a month or so. She's made a few friends and seems to have accepted that this is life now. So I wonder whether the same will apply to your son - once he gets here and sees everything for himself and makes friends he may well accept life.

I know how hard it is for you though with what you are having to go through at the moment - stay strong and good luck.

G

[Brijan]

Hi, its a really sticky one. We came out from the uk 4 years ago with our three kids aged 17, 15 and 12, our oldest son at 17 hated it from the moment the word emmigrate was spoken, he came out with us but insisted on returning to the uk, he has been to see us a few times on holiday and his attitude is mellowing, he has a returning residents visa so we hope in time he may return. i don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this problem however at 13 i think there is more chance of him settling into life in NZ and enjoying it.
Our younger son who was 15 and our daughter who was 12 now tell us if we went back to the uk they would stay here in NZ, they both talk with a kiwi accent now and its difficult to understand them---or maybe thats a teenager-parent thing.
we still firmly beleive we did the right thing even though we miss our son and our life here in Wellington is good (if a bit windy at times) and in our case we have more time to do the things we would probably never done back in the uk.
We hope things settle down for you and all goes as you wish, best of luck, Brian and Jan :)

[thepiesleys]

Thanks to everyone for your replies it makes me feel better knowing i am not the only one who has 'ruined their childs entire LIFE!' Sorry just had a kevin and perry moment.

sorry again if you dont know who kevin and perry are!

Sue

[thepiesleys]

oops

[Diny]

Another very interesting thread - I don't think it's just teenagers who cause the angst though, I think it's just kids in general.

Our 2 are much younger - 9 and (almost) 11. They were fine about coming here, and to be honest are 'OK' about being here. But even after a year and a half, although they've got tonnes of mates and a varied and active social life, they still see their future in the UK. Any comments made about 'when I grow up' are always regarding what they're going to do 'back home'.

This is fine though, we're a transient family and although I love NZ there's a huge world out there. My kids are happy for the here and now but I doubt they (or us) will grow old here.

Hang in there - all you can do is show them the options - the choice is thiers.

Diny

[Carol]

i don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this problem :)

nope there truly isn't.

Just as there is no "right or wrong" place to live.
"Cause unless you make the absolute best of what you have got - you are going to spend at least half your time being unhappy.
And I guess that's what worries parents.... I know it does me.

I have the opposite problem.
If I am truly truly honest - I wouldnt want to spend the rest of my life here.
BUt the rest of my family are very happy to do that.

And so - as they are the most important thing to me - I shall stay.

It's a tricky one isn't it?

[Moorf]

Just to put another spin on this, it's weird for me to hear/see lots of parents worrying what their kids will say/think when they are told they are moving, and that some parents might actually be swayed by their kids wants. I come from an R.A.F family and, like it or not, every 3 years we moved - sometimes from country to country. It never occured to me or my brother that we might have a say in this - we did what our parents did with no questions asked. I went to boarding school from 10 yrs old, no say in that either, and I basically did what my parents thought best and would never think to question them.

Not saying one way is better or worse, but for me I find it strange when the kids appear to have a say in where or what their parents do.

I guess I'd have made a crappy mum! :o

[KerryS]

Just to put another spin on this, it's weird for me to hear/see lots of parents worrying what their kids will say/think when they are told they are moving, and that some parents might actually be swayed by their kids wants.
I went to boarding school from 10 yrs old, no say in that either, and I basically did what my parents thought best and would never think to question them.

Not saying one way is better or worse, but for me I find it strange when the kids appear to have a say in where or what their parents do.



I could have written this - although I was only 7 when I started boarding, which was due to my Dad going to work out in the Middle East.

I was shocked when a guy I work with told me he was 'having' to go to the Gold Coast on holiday because his children wanted to go to the theme parks there. I never had any say in where I spent my holidays as a child - we were never consulted in anything like that.

[Diny]

Not saying one way is better or worse, but for me I find it strange when the kids appear to have a say in where or what their parents do.



If becoming a parent taught us one thing it was that the world doesn't revolve around us alone.

Although the ultimate decision in any move we make is made by hubby and myself, we always take the opinions of the kids into account.

We'd never allow them to dictate where we go and what we do, but on the same score, we'd never blast ahead with our plans knowing that it was breaking their hearts.

It's a matter of striking a happy balance ...... the hard bit is finding that happy balance.

Guess this is another one of those topics that will produce a variety of opinions.

Looking at it from another angle, the idea of sending my kids off to boarding school to enable OH and I to persue a career etc in a different country/location, to me is a complete none starter. But it obviously has/does work for alot of people.

Diny

[K&CS]

Sue, I don't have teenagers myself (I've got another 4 years before I reach that lovely stage), but have you always said to him that this is a permanent move? Although our kids were too young really to voice too many objections, we always made a point of saying that we were moving over to NZ to see if we liked it (and hopefully we would), but if we decided after a few years that we'd be better off in the UK, then we'd return. I think that softened the blow and indeed it's true for most people - you never know until you get here whether or not it will be permanent. Have you discussed visiting the UK for holidays or friends coming to stay? Also that he'll be able to keep in touch via email/msn/skype etc? All these things could make it easier - that it doesn't mean he's turning his back on everything/one he cares about for good.

More likely than not, once he's been here a year, he'll be happy and not wish for his old life. I think at the moment, it's important that he realises he doesn't have to say goodbye to everything forever.

Also, bribery and corruption could go a long way - is there anything he really really wants that you've never let him have (say a dog or something)? Whatever it is (well within reason anyway), could you promise him that when he arrives in NZ?

Good luck - he'll come round, I'm sure.

Kate

[KerryS]

Diny - you are a far more selfless person than I could ever be... it's a good job I don't intend to have children!
I guess my siblings and I were always on the move, and for us going to boarding school was the only way that my parents could actually guarantee stability and a decent education for us. I don't regret what they did though, they were providing us with what they thought was the best option under the circumstances.
I loved school - although I was very upset that it wasn't quite as Enid Blyton made out...

[Diny]

I loved school - although I was very upset that it wasn't quite as Enid Blyton made out...


Oh nooooo - I would have been disappointed about that too.

Diny

[jubjub]

Its a bit late for you guys,but bring them over in the womb... they dont know any better!:p :D

Sorry, thats not much help, but I dont envy you guys having to persuade them to leave their current life, its awfully scary when you are that age to lose anything familiar.

[Moorf]

Looking at it from another angle, the idea of sending my kids off to boarding school to enable OH and I to persue a career etc in a different country/location, to me is a complete none starter. But it obviously has/does work for alot of people.




Worked for me, but not for my brother - he hated his boarding school. Mum and Dad pulled him out before his O Levels so he could concentrate on those instead of his homesickness. Whereas I loved it. I do know, having spoken to my parents since, that it was a heart-wrenching decision to give us a stable base for education, I expect that it's not much different from the decisions made to take a family abroad away from family and friends.


... it's a good job I don't intend to have children!



Kerry, I wonder if boarding school has anything to do with it - a high percentage of my fellow boarders (girls obviously), including me/us, have chosen not to have kids!!

[sidabrine]

Continuing the bribery theme, tell your teenagers that they can drive a car when they're 15, that should do the trick (take it as a bitter joke, I myself would never ever entrust a car to a 15 year old!!!) :roll

[GeordieLass]

Just to put another spin on this, it's weird for me to hear/see lots of parents worrying what their kids will say/think when they are told they are moving, and that some parents might actually be swayed by their kids wants. I come from an R.A.F family and, like it or not, every 3 years we moved - sometimes from country to country. It never occured to me or my brother that we might have a say in this - we did what our parents did with no questions asked. I went to boarding school from 10 yrs old, no say in that either, and I basically did what my parents thought best and would never think to question them.

Not saying one way is better or worse, but for me I find it strange when the kids appear to have a say in where or what their parents do.

I guess I'd have made a crappy mum! :o

Ooh! Me too! To all of that!

And funnily enough about the kids thing, I'm 27 and was talking to a schoolfriend a while ago about how odd it is that so few of our group of friends have kids now. I don't think we've ruled them out, just "not yet". I don't know if that's a boarding school thing or just a sign of the times. The Daily Mail does keep telling me that I'd better hurry up and procreate because I'll be a dried up husk the minute I turn 35!

My sister and I were both very happy at school and, importantly I think, a significant number of the other boarders were also forces kids and in exactly the same boat. I always thought it odd as a child that some of the day pupils at the school had only lived in one house their whole lives (all ten years of them, heh!) when in the same period we had moved seven times.

[Diny]

The Daily Mail does keep telling me that I'd better hurry up and procreate because I'll be a dried up husk the minute I turn 35!
.


I was 33 when I had my first child and I was classed as a geriatric mother !!!! Really I was .... it was written on my hospital notes in black and white for all to see - charming eh.

Diny

[Debbie P.]

The Daily Mail does keep telling me that I'd better hurry up and procreate because I'll be a dried up husk the minute I turn 35!.

Speaking as someone who's 36 and has just been told that it may be very difficult for me :wah , I wouldn't delay it too long. I always thought there'd be plenty of time but now the newspapers are saying that's not true. Wish they'd been saying that a few years ago...

The funny thing is how much I care - never thought I would.

[gil]

Speaking as someone who's 36 and has just been told that it may be very difficult for me :wah , I wouldn't delay it too long. I always thought there'd be plenty of time but now the newspapers are saying that's not true. Wish they'd been saying that a few years ago...

The funny thing is how much I care - never thought I would.

Of my four, I had Will at 36 and Franca at 37.........

Gil

[gil]

I was 33 when I had my first child and I was classed as a geriatric mother !!!! Really I was .... it was written on my hospital notes in black and white for all to see - charming eh.

Diny

How times change Dny, I was 27 having my first and I, too, was then clased as a geriatric mother, notes and all!!!

Gil

[willsken]

Just to put another spin on this, it's weird for me to hear/see lots of parents worrying what their kids will say/think when they are told they are moving, and that some parents might actually be swayed by their kids wants. I come from an R.A.F family and, like it or not, every 3 years we moved - sometimes from country to country. It never occured to me or my brother that we might have a say in this - we did what our parents did with no questions asked. I went to boarding school from 10 yrs old, no say in that either, and I basically did what my parents thought best and would never think to question them.

Not saying one way is better or worse, but for me I find it strange when the kids appear to have a say in where or what their parents do.

I guess I'd have made a crappy mum! :o

It has never been an issue with us and for that I thank my lucky stars. Both the 9 year old and the 13 year old can't wait to go. That being said they were never asked, just told it was going to happen. We did it in the most positive way we could and after going there and having such a good time last year they are excited. I'm firmly in the camp that what's best for them is my decision at their age.

[Debbie P.]

Of my four, I had Will at 36 and Franca at 37.........

Gil

Yes, and my sister-in-law had her 2 at 38 and 40. But I guess it's not OK for everyone. Mind you, she had gone through years of IVF before conceiving naturally anyway!

[olivia]

Ooh! Me too! To all of that!

And funnily enough about the kids thing, I'm 27 and was talking to a schoolfriend a while ago about how odd it is that so few of our group of friends have kids now. I don't think we've ruled them out, just "not yet". I don't know if that's a boarding school thing or just a sign of the times.

I rented a house at university with 6 other women. We are all 32 or 33 now and out of the 7 of us only 3 are married and only 2 of us have children. I was the first to have a baby and i was 31. So i think it is definitely a sign of the times. However my sister-in-law is pregnant with her third at 31 having had her first at 18 but then she has never worked and the 3 kids all have different dads so maybe it's a socioeconomic thing.

Olivia

[K&CS]

I was also classed as a geriatric mother when I had my first at 29 (pregnant at 28)! I had my 3rd at 37 and had no bother, but that was probably a lot to do with the fact that he was my 3rd. As far as I'm aware, it's easier to get pregnant once you've already been pregnant. It's a fact unfortunately, that your fertility diminishes once you reach 35 (especially if it's your first) - having said that, the odds are still stacked in your favour if you decide you want children at that age. I think they drastically diminish once past 40 though.

Kate

PS - sorry this has gone slightly off topic now hasn't it?

[KerryS]

I'm 31 and my friends are all just starting to have babies. 3 last week in fact, which made for an expensive week! I do know others who are like me and have said they don't want children though.

People keep telling me that my biological clock will kick in soon and I'll hear it ticking away. I've told them all it's digital and so there will be no ticking going on here!

I really do think I am far too selfish to consider children, I have so many things I want to do for me first.

[K&CS]

Kerry, it must be really annoying to have people tell you that - like it's any of their business anyway! I have a number of friends who don't want children and I would never even think of smugly saying to them 'you'll change your mind'. I think it's good that people who don't want children don't have them - there are enough unwanted children in the world today anyway!

[Carol]

I think it's good that people who don't want children don't have them - there are enough unwanted children in the world today anyway!


Too true.

I've taught a fair number of them over the years..... :(

[Moorf]

I really do think I am far too selfish to consider children, I have so many things I want to do for me first.



That's my overriding feeling too - and at 38 it hasn't gone away!!

Anyway... someone might get this thread back on topic soon! :D

[thepiesleys]

I think i can firmly say that the age of kids - especially teenagers being seen and not heard has well and truly died - i speak as a mum and a secondary school teacher. As Diny said my children do not call the shots but we do talk big issuses through with them, what amazezs me is teenagers (mine and others) readiness to object and keep it going ( altough mine does know when to drop it)
If something is going round in circles with no approaching compromise he does get told this is how it is - deal with it. You have to take into account their inability to see the bigger picture and end the hostilities.

But on the whole they really are convinced that 'adults are from Mars and teenagers are from Venus' and we do not come in peace...

My son does seem more accepting now i have told him that NZ might not be a permanant thing and to look at it as a great adventure and come to think of it so do i. ( i cant remember now who suggested that but thank you) he also has the promise of trail bike...

.

As for having kids in the first place I was 28, 33 and 39 ( i am now 41), most of my close friends had (and i dont mean to offend here) a token child in their mid 30's and my two closest are quite frank about the fact that they have'nt found parenthood a great experience. I am commonly known as 'sue with the kids' as i am the only one in my circle with more than 1 - they all think i'm nuts!

I just like the chaos that my home and life normally are - which is probably how i've lasted teaching teenagers as well - i work well under pressure!!



Ps ...does anyone know anything about trail bikes??...

[Carol]

Yes - it is tough having them, feeding them (properly), teaching them right from wrong, about making decisions, about study and discussions about ALL sorts of things happen in our house that would NEVER have even been mentioned in the company of my mum and dad - or their other grandparents.


They are the absolute centre of my world. And life before them seemed to be such a long time ago - it's hardly worth remembering.

:D

[katandbob]

Yes - it is tough having them, feeding them (properly), teaching them right from wrong, about making decisions, about study and discussions about ALL sorts of things happen in our house that would NEVER have even been mentioned in the company of my mum and dad - or their other grandparents.


They are the absolute centre of my world. And life before them seemed to be such a long time ago - it's hardly worth remembering.

:D

Oh So true....my sentiments exactly (my happiest memories are of being at home with my kids) and although they are having a bad time of it, I hope that things will change ASAP and I am trying to see it from their perspective. ;)

[willsken]

Have to agree that the kids are the centre of your world. I had mine when I was 23 and 26. I am glad I had them when I was younger because I didn't really enjoy them when they were younger and I got it out of the way!! :p They are 10 and 13 now, much more to my liking. You can actually have really nice conversations with them now. :yes

[Kim39]

We were facing this problem 12 months ago with our eldest, we were the worlds worst. As Diny said, we involved our 2 girls in everything about this move as we felt their opinions counted as well, but she kept saying was it wasn't what she needed at this stage in her life....jeeze she was only 13!!! Anyway after about a month of being here i mentioned about returning home only to be faced with....well your on your own dad, and whats your point answer. Now this totally stumped me, but realised herself and her sister hadn't even started school and they were well and truely in holiday mode. Lets see what the reaction would be when they started school....same answer i'm afraid:laugh She loves it out here, and doesn't even miss her pals back home much. She has the ability to communicate as and when she wants but doesn't really use it. It all comes down to how each child, adult even adjusts to what is put in front of them at a certain stage in their lives. They either knuckle down and give it a crack, or just admit defeat immediately. I'm just glad mine gave it a crack.

Just want to say good luck with it all

Kim