[leachio]

:( :wah :(
Not having a good few days, the only place I could think of where someone else might fully understand is the Forum!!!!!

NZ police found us via email in sep 06, some may say it's fate, im happy with that! Anyway we are now awaiting our ITA and hope to jet off mid 2007 (although a ticket for tmrw would be great). So whats the prob i hear you cry? Well for me it's mainly my teenage daughter who will be 17 in March, she is a good kid deep down but decided to leave home in Oct 06 after she let some clowns in whom burgled us! Instead of facing the music she ran home to Scotland, and left behind her immediate family, her f/t college course and her wkend job. Now she lives with another family member but stays in bed till 2pm, gets drunk too often and has just spent new yrs eve in police custody!!!!! (nothing major) I have cried so often over her and we have talked about things till Im blue in the face, she states no major/obvious probs and has no reasons for the life she is living. Incase you are thinking bout the NZ side of things, when we first talked of moving she quite calmly said she thought it was simply too far and as she would be 17 by then we said ok if thats what she wanted we wouldn't make her come, however just before the news of the burglary came out she said she would come over and try it, I was overjoyed! Now it's back to square one except she tells me I should not worry bout her coz she's not the 1st and won't be the last to get drunk and into trouble. Maybe my being a nurse gives me slighltly more of an insight as I see things some don't.

On top of that which is my main concern as her mum, I have to deal with my mother-in-law whom has been for 4yrs a surrogate mum as mine is 150miles away. But! Once the news was announced she literally went nuts! Very very irrational, threatning all sorts, pointing a large finger of blame right at me, I was making her son take her grandkids to the other side of the world, how could we have a better life without her in it, she will be signed off work with sedation when we go...........etc etc. Now every time someone mentions it to her, at work, socially or wherever the flood gates open. The for sale sign has just gone up so that was another hurdle! Fortunately my OH, her son, has taken the "well we are going so get used to it" approach although not quite as harsh sounding as that!

I feel that with so many uncertainties going on, the house selling/or not!!! Getting a posting and start date, then medicals, ITA etc etc All the while keeping 2 small kids going and a job, I just could do without my 1st born going off the rails and seeming not to care and also just pray that mum-in-law sorts herself out a bit.

Thank you anyone who reads and Im sure Ive read threads from people in NZ with teenage troubles so I know Im not alone. Feels kinda therapeutic just writing about it, and all happy ending stories welcome!!!!!!!!!!!

Amanda, daniel, Jack & Ella Maud xx

[StevieD]

Big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }} Amanda.

You are in such an unenviable position. But take a breath, and think about how far you have come and take stock of the situation.

The M-I-L situation was probably a knee jerk reaction, and it has probably been simmering below the surface. She probably wishes she hadn't said what she did, and is understandably upset at losing her grandkids and son to the other end of the world.

As for your daughter, that is another matter. She is doing the growing up in one huge chunk. It is unfortunate that she has decided to do this just as you are looking at emigrating. All you can do is provide a mothers love and an understanding ear, and hope that she sees sense in her actions. She is finding her feet in the world, and she is right in suggesting that she isn't the only kid who will get drunk and end up in trouble with the police! It shows an outlook that has some grasp on reality!

We wish you all the best, hope it all turns out for you.

Stevie D xx

[stu70]

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your family. It is a tough situation to be in no matter what the age of your child. May she find peace and make the best use of her talents. We are all born with unique talents and I pray she makes you proud of her someday. Don't let anything bring you down. Life is never all rosy and it is not our position but the disposition that makes all the difference. Good luck.

[leachio]

Bless you Stevie, you were 1st to welcome us and I feel reassured every time I see ur ever changing avatar!! I still have no joy with changing the things!!

Thank you and i hope to stay in touch once we've both made the big move :)

Amanda

[StevieD]

:) just dropped you a pm Amanda

Re avatars.

Go to user CP, on the lhs you have your options like signature, change avatar etc.

Select change avatar and browse for your pic you want to use. Select and bob's your uncle. Only problem is that the picture has to be less than 100x100 pixels or 12k (I think!)

Do a search for avatars on google, you should find loads to use!! :nice1

[NeilV]

Sorry, haven't had kids myself yet, but your daughter sounds v much like my youngest brother, and he feels [now] that it was just something he needed to work out in his head. unfortunately seems some kids need to burn themselves before the learn what "hot" means, but thankfully most get away with a small blister and learn quickly.
I pray that your daughter will be one of these.

I'm sure once the NZ gang awake, you'll soon hear many tales of similar difficulties adjusting to parental choices. In the meantime heres a comforting hug from me [*HUG*]

Here are some past threads that might help:

http://www.emigratenz.org/forum/showthread.php?t=8267&highlight=teenager

http://www.emigratenz.org/forum/showthread.php?t=7477&highlight=teenager

[Singel]

{{{{ LOTS OF HUGS }}}}}

We feel so sorry for your predicament. Keep everything crossed for you :nice1 :nice1

[wiki]

And very big hugs from me too.

It sounds to me like you have two very distinct problems:

1) Mother in law sounds like she is only thinking of her self and what she's going to miss out on - not what you as a young family could gain by going to NZ. I like your OH's attitude, and maybe along side that you need to point out the advantages you hope to gain for your children by making this move.

As others have said on other threads, webcams can make a huge difference in bridging the divide and trips back to the UK or for her to go to NZ aren't impossible, even if the costs are high.

Ironically, when I went to the UK aged 22 I wished that one of my family would kick up a fuss like that and tell me not to go. It wouldn't have changed my mind, but it would have been nice to be missed! My family are born nomads and living halfway across the world is very normal for us lol.

But your daughter is a very different story. At only 17 that's a very tricky age.

If she went with you, it wouldn't have to be permanent - could you maybe sit down and try to deal with her. Ask her to commit to 2 years with you all in NZ so that she can see what the place is like and if she'd like her future there. Promise her a ticket back to the UK on the day after her 19th birthday - just so long as she gives it a go.

And perhaps emphasis that moving to NZ is scary for you, and that you're going to need all the help you can get and that having her with you for emotional support would mean a lot to you. Tell her you'd cope much better with her along ... it might not be true, but if you sell it to her in the "I need you" way, rather than the "you need a mother" sense she might just come round.

best of luck - I really do feel for you

[Hannah]

Amanda, I really really feel for you. I wish I could change things for you, for the better. My children are 8 and 11, so i'm not there yet, but i (just about) remember myself being 17 and its not a time I'd like to rush back to. I remember feeling like I knew everything and no-one else knew anything, no-one cared how I felt and it was unfair that life didn't revolve around me. I left home at 16 and went through many of the difficult times teenagers seem to inevitably face these days - refused contact with my parents until several yrs later. Felt fully justified at the time - I look back on that time now and think what a pain in the butt I was. But i could only grow up at my own pace, in my own time and through my own experiences.
Sounds like what Stevie said could be a positive thing - she's doing her growing up fast, which means she'll come back to you at some point with a whole lot of experience behind her. I would not change a thing about my life so far - as awful as my teenage years were (sure my parents would like to change some things though!). My experiences have made me who i am now and i'm proud of that - i've learnt too many good lessons to want to go back and change things. I wonder if i'd had a less turbulent time whether i would be as wise and grounded as i am now. I feel sorry for my parents who had to put up with me, and also proud of them for doing so.
I hope one day that your daughter feels the same. I guess you can only do what my folks did - sit back and remind them you love them, and wait.
Big cyber hugs coming your way
Hannah
PS and as for mother in law - shows how much she cares about you all, as strange as that sounds. If she jumped up and down and said 'whoopee, you're going, thank God' then i'd be pretty worried!

[pinkpiggy]

Amanda,

I will PM you but here just for you are some

{{{BIG HUGS}}}

[shakyle2906]

Big hugs from me too, can only sympathise what you are encountering.

Sharon
x

[leachio]

Thanks sooooooooooooo much to everyone so far! I feel hugged, its nice :)

[marcia]

Amanda

firstly have some

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Can't help with the teenage daughter, we only have boys, (hope they are better as teenagers - but still waiting to find out!!)

Re the family and mother in law - well don't give up hope yet that she will see sense.

My parents don't have any other grandchildren - we have taken all of them away - but they totally understand why we wanted to leave and can't wait to come and see the life we are creating, and what NZ offers our kids in the future - they have been great, they bought a computer and I was teaching them for months before we left how to send email, photos etc, go on MSN and skype, so at least they could keep in touch easier - they were obviously devasted when we left, they managed to hold it together when we parted but I know from my sister that my mum was not well for a week, not sleeping etc, but I'm sure once they come and see what our life here is like they will feel much better.

Now my MIL, Kevs dad died in 2004 really suddenly, and Pat his mum, has spent a lot of time with me and our youngest, who was only 4 months old when Barry died, she lived just around the corner and would come at the drop of a hat to babysit etc, and spent a lot of time with us. She even came to NZ in January last year on the reccy trip, but she was really ill when we arrived back, she put it all down to jet lag, but she actually was on the verge on pnuemonia, it took 6 weeks for her to recover, she said she could never make the trip again!!!!!!!! She then started being very negative about NZ and pulling it down, and it got to the point where we daen't even mention it. She said there was no way she was going to learn to use a computer, and she had no where to put one etc, all very negative and left us feeling awful, but Kev took the attitude, its tough, we're going and she'll have to get used to it, if she won't fly she won't see her grandchildren again cos we're not coming back!!! Pretty harsh - but you have to think of your own little family unit and what is best for them.

Anyway Pat did come around, Kev sat down and asked her why she was being so negative, and couldn't she see what an opportunity we had been given, she hadn't realised she was being negative.

Kev's brother and his wife, moved in with her before we left, which made it a bit easier, it didn't feel as if we were deserting her. He also has a computer, and said he would give her lessons, but she has ended up asking my dad to show her - he has more patience and doesn't use the lingo!!!

I had a shock yesterday morning when the phone rang and it was Pat on the computer via skype!!!!!!!!!!!! :clap

So give your MIL time, she may come around, and if she doesn't at the end of the day, she has chosen her life, she can't choose yours as well!!

Good luck - chin up - it is hard work, it takes it out of you emotionally and physically, but it will be worth it in the end! :nice1

[Asli&Mark]

Hello Amanda,

Hope you sort out the problems with your daughter. And I would suggest you to ignore your mother-in-law. My mother and Mark's are not so supportive either. They both say it is too far...

For the hugs check below :)

http://www.unbf.ca/altiustu/arsiv/2006/10/bedava_kucak.php

Just press "Play" translating would be a challenge now even for me :)

Asli

[Ruth&Mike]

Hi Leachio,
We are as you know in the same situation as you -NZ recruiting Cops and Nurses ( Why do us lot always get married to each other?)
However like a mature wine im slightly older than you and am 43- Ruth is 2 years younger (She is gonna be happy Ive put her age all over the forum :D )
Although older and wrinkley it gets no easier- I am an only child, Ruth is one of two sisters. When I broke the news to my parents that my intentions were to leave the UK I got a joint effort of "Why are you leaving us here to die on our own" and from my Dad "When you fly the kids out book a flight a month later to come back and bury your mother! :( " (They had been slagging the UK off to pieces 6 mths before)
Ruths parents stated they would not come and visit us because of health reasons- and my father cant fly more than two hours anyway.
I have now started to drip feed them progress as the saying goes -time is a great healer, talking about SKYPE every other word. (Laptop and eye cam coming up for chrimbo present)
It does not answer your questions on how to deal with your mum, but you are not on your own, time will help you out!
As re teenage kids ......ive got two and it all to come!!!
Remember the reasons why we sat down and filled that application form in 3 months ago, then went to London got beasted in a Gym and then ran up and down the Mall, then the interviews?
This is the first of many wobbles we will have before we get there.

Stay safe

Mick

[Nienke]

Nothing to add to what has been said here, just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry, and send you some big {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} as well.

[jo-and-jeff]

Amanda,

I'm so sorry to hear about all the things with which you're having to deal right now.

Regarding your daughter, the behaviours you describe are classical symptoms of depression. Based on your description of the chronology of events, I think that it is entirely possible that she has been unable to forgive herself for being responsible for your house getting burgled, and she has taken the "escape" route because she is burdened by guilt and she doesn't feel as though she can face you. At the age of 17, with little life experience to give perspective, an event that momentous can be quite traumatic and shattering to the psyche.

I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I do think that, rather than take the approach "it's something she'll have to work through", if you are able to talk to her and provide her support (as thankless an effort as those things might seem to be at the time), it may help her to resolve her issues. If you haven't already, let her know that you forgive her about what happened, and that you've moved on, and that you'd like her to be able to move on as well. See if you can get her into counseling; this might be very important and necessary for her to be able to get on with her life. Some people can get past depression on their own, but many need help to do so, and there is absolutely no shame in that.

I do hope that things improve for you, and that you and your family are able to get these issues resolved so that you can enjoy a happy life once you finally get to New Zealand.

Best wishes,

Jo

[leachio]

:clap :clap
Thank you, I can tell you had a good old read of my thread bless you all! Time will heal and I just pray that she see's the error of her ways before she becomes a serious victim of them. I look forward to our move more than ever now, it's like a big forum family on here!!!!

I would do a 'waltons' stylie goodnight but frankly I couldn't get past half a dozen usernames ...................

Thanks Amanda xxx :)